Dating

I spent a few days in Chicago and was reminded that in many parts of the country, fall is brief and winter comes around when you least suspect it. One day you are enjoying a nice afternoon in the park, the next the wind is nipping at you and you find yourself searching frantically for your heavy coat.

So how do you plan for a great date with all of this crazy and unpredictable weather?

While dating in good weather is an ideal situation because you can take advantage of the outdoors, cold weather offers a lot of opportunities that you might not even think about. Before you make plans for drinks, dinner, or a movie, consider some of these date alternatives:

Visit an art gallery. Maybe you can't enjoy a nice hike or the beach, but there's plenty of culture to be found in every city. Check out a neighborhood you haven't visited much to see about local galleries, or if your city has an artwalk, then check it out with a date.

Take a cooking class together. Nothing is more romantic than cooking for each other. In this case, learning how to make a new dish together in the comfort of a warm kitchen.

Painting parties. Getting together with other singles for a glass of wine and a blank canvas might seem intimidating, but it's a great and different way to break the ice with your date (so to speak). Don't worry, you don't have to be Monet, you just have to be able to hold a paintbrush. Painting parties are happening across the country - check your local listings for dates and times.

Improv/comedy theatres. Instead of a movie, try supporting your local theatre instead. Many cities offer a stand-up night at certain clubs, or have a theatre dedicated to improv comedy troupes for very reasonable prices.

Check out local festivals and events. Cold weather offers some interesting opportunities, like beer tasting and bratwurst, or nighttime hayrides, or perhaps a harvest festival with food, warm cocktails, and music. Check local listings for events near you.

Pick a museum. Has it been a while since you visited the Natural History or contemporary arts museum? Chances are, they aren't high on your must-see list when the weather is nice. But winter months are perfect for museum tours, and offer you an active date (strolling through exhibitions) rather than a passive date like ordering drinks at the bar.

Enjoy the season!

As we near the end of the year, prepare for tons of messages stating that now is the time to be impulsive. Whether it’s because of the supposed impending apocalypse that likely won’t happen or just the typical “go crazy on New Year’s!” message, now is apparently the time to shake things up.

Personally, I’m not one who likes to set change by a clock - isn’t that a bit counter-intuitive, anyway? - and I’m not much for New Year’s resolutions, either. Still, I can appreciate the sentiment behind it: if you can easily point to several areas in your life you feel you need to improve, there’s no time like the present to get on it - whenever the present may be.

I’m also not one for the concept of impulsivity; while impulsive acts can lead to positive change, they can just as often lead to injury or the inability to face one’s coworkers ever again. So instead of taking the simple concept of impulsiveness at face value, let’s think about the “good twin” instead: bravery.

After all, when people talk about being daring or impulsive, they’re really talking about bravery. They don’t really mean you should scale that building while drunk because it seems like a good idea; they mean you should talk to that attractive person you’ve been too shy to approach. They don’t mean you should suddenly gamble your life savings at blackjack; they mean you should finally work up the nerve to stand up for your great ideas at work. Bravery means overcoming the fear that’s holding you back, not the common sense.

So perhaps we can incorporate a little bravery into our dating lives - not because it’s the end of the year, but because there’s no time like the present to start. We can approach people in public, or take the step to make that dating profile once and for all. A little extra bravery can help you increase your self-confidence; it can make you strong enough to ask for help when you need it. It’s something strong, enduring, and actually nothing like the fleeting, wild, ill-thought moments of impulsivity.

So as the year comes to a close and you’re inundated with messages urging you to do something crazy and impulsive, make a well-thought plan to do something brave instead. Even if you’re like me and not one to do things by the calendar, it can’t hurt to start the new year with something to be proud of, instead of something to regret.

There is a murky time in almost every relationship where you wonder, "are we still just dating, or are we officially a couple?" And while you might want to know where you stand, it can be difficult to bring it up in conversation. After all, things have been moving along so well. Why ruin it with such a serious topic?

But then again, you don't want to waste time. You want to know where the relationship is headed.

So, how do you judge for yourself? How long do you date each other before you have the conversation about making it exclusive?

A recent poll conducted by DatingSitesReviews.com found that most people (54%) consider how long you've been dating the most important factor in determining your relationship status. In other words, the longer you've been dating, the more you can consider yourself an item. The majority of respondents (26%) felt that if you were dating for more than two months, you were in an official relationship. Nineteen percent felt that dating one to two months granted you the right to call it an exclusive relationship. Only 9% felt that two to four weeks constituted some kind of commitment.

Another important factor besides how long you've been dating: saying those magical three words: "I love you." Nineteen percent of respondents felt that when you said these words to each other, your relationship was official.

One interesting finding was that people don't necessarily view sexual activity while dating as a casual thing. Fifteen percent of respondents felt that a relationship was official once they'd had sex. Nine percent felt a relationship turned serious when you went away on a trip together.

Surprisingly, a traditional gage like meeting your date's parents didn't really factor in to most people's opinion of when you become a couple. Only one percent felt that this was proof that your relationship was official.

And for those who date a bit more casually, only one percent felt that the defining mark of an "official relationship" was when you move in together. So, don't keep dating lots of people until you find someone you can share a bathroom with - most of the men or women you date will think you're an item well before that point.

Bottom line: most people felt that the length of time you've been dating is the gage by which to determine whether or not you're in a relationship. So if you've been dating someone for a while without discussing what you both want, then you might want to talk sooner rather than later.

When we first set foot back in the dating world, we’re often looking for structure, for “rules.” We want to know the type of messages to send and profiles to write, sure, but mostly, we just want to know who to avoid. We understand that everyone’s definition of “right” is probably different, but surely everyone’s definition of “wrong” has something in common?

In truth, it’s not that easy. Yes, you can look for red flags - signs of bitterness, of someone who’s still seeking closure on a previous relationship, of someone who seems like they might be downright unhealthy or dangerous - but there’s still a world of smaller landmines to navigate.

For instance, the person you see every morning on your daily commute - is it worth taking a chance when you’ll still have to see them if it doesn’t work out? These are the small, personal questions that don’t fit neatly into a Dos and Don’ts list. But that doesn’t mean you won’t find tons of people willing to give you their opinions!

Based on their personal experience, friends and family members probably have several cut-and-dry lists for you: don’t date a co-worker, for instance, or always go after someone who holds the door open for someone else. But the problem is, even if these lists worked for them, it’s based on a) the sort of person with whom they’re compatible and b) the way they personally perceive others. Perhaps the door holding is the clincher for your Aunt Linda, but you would have noticed the fact that they asked if you had any food allergies before choosing a restaurant. Same basic quality, manifesting in different ways.

Plus, with every “Don’t” there’s almost always an exception to the rule. In some cases, such as dating co-workers, it’s a rule that is very frequently broken and often ends in success. The same holds true for another popular no-no, the long distance relationship. At some point, someone had to analyze their relationship in a mature way, and take a chance. Not everything fits in a teen magazine “Top 10” list.

And as you set out in the dating world, instead of collecting the rules of others, start making your own lists. What sort of qualities do you notice and appreciate? What negative tendencies do you notice in yourself and want to avoid? What’s holding you back? What’s worked in the past?

It might seem counter-intuitive to be so self-reflecting when you’re looking for someone else, but if you want to connect with someone else, you have to understand yourself too. Why should a one-size-fits-all rulebook be your best bet?

It’s not surprising that many in the dating world focus on finding The One. The One they’re meant to be with, The One who perfectly matches their particular quirks and strengths... The One who will ultimately make them happy.

Not surprisingly, that places quite a bit of pressure on everyone involved. Maybe this person is great, but are they The One? Maybe this person seems like they might be The One for me... but they don’t think I’m The One for them. Does fate even work that way?

You’re worried about making the wrong choice. Your date is worried about doing something to make them appear less than perfect. But what if there wasn’t a One out there? What if there wasn’t even a One Perfect Type for you?

The idea that there’s one perfect archetype that perfectly complements you seems a little unlikely to begin with. If there were one perfect person in the world for you, what are the odds that they’d be in your hometown, and not Singapore? Yet there are countless little old couples who have been happy for decades. What about the widow who had a great love that died early, found someone completely different, and was still happily in love for the rest of her life?

Perhaps the truth is that love and commitment are at least partially a choice. It’s not a matter of “settling” for someone who makes you less than happy; perhaps the truth is that there are hundreds of people out there who could potentially make you just as happy. You don’t want to spend your life trying them all, however, so you actively choose to be with one.

Perhaps that decision is daunting for some - the idea of someone who runs from commitment is not a new one - but it should be freeing as well. Because you aren’t trying to find The One, the only one in the world who could possibly make you happy. Your “perfect match” doesn’t necessarily have to fit every item on your checklist to make them perfect for you. In a true sense, you’re looking for a partner; someone to grow with, make discoveries with. If that’s what you’re truly searching for - not a clone or a fantasy - you may encounter one sooner than you’d think.

So who are you searching for?

Let's face it: dating after a breakup of any kind isn't easy. Dating after a divorce is even harder. And online dating after divorce, especially if you've never dated online before, can be downright terrifying. Some of you will feel like throwing in the towel before you've even entered the ring.

But here's the good news: you're not the first person to date after a divorce, and you certainly won't be the last. The process doesn't have to be stressful if you don't want it to be (and why would you want it to be?).

Here are a few things to keep in mind if you want to date after a divorce without driving yourself insane:

1. Stop thinking that online dating is for losers. Seriously, this stereotype is getting old. It's well past time to bury it. These days you're practically in the minority if you haven't tried it. In no way is online dating a sign of failure - it's an awesome opportunity to meet people you never would have met otherwise.
2. Remember it's just a date and there are plenty more out there. In fact, you don't even have to think of it as dating. Just think of it as a chance to meet interesting new people. If you click - great. If you don't - no big deal. Never be afraid to say "next" if it doesn't feel right.
3. Do your best to manage your expectations. Be honest, because it's the right thing to do, but remember that not everyone else will be. That person who sounds perfect on paper might not be so perfect in person. On the other hand, take a chance on someone who doesn't sound quite right in the beginning - you never know who's going to surprise you.
4. Meet as soon as you feel comfortable doing so. It's easy to create a fantasy version of someone when you're chatting online. Don't waste weeks wrapped up in make-believe only to find out that you're not actually compatible in real life.
5. There's no rush. Take it slowly, even if you meet and hit it off right away. If this is the person for you, the bond will grow in its own time.
6. Have a sense of humor about it. Crazy things can happen when you're online dating. The experience will be so much more rewarding if you can laugh at the lunacy when it happens.
7. Don't go looking for your next spouse right away. Have fun DATING. If you only date to find the love of your life, you'll probably be disappointed most of the time. If you're also open to meeting a new friend, making a business contact, or just enjoying a few hours of conversation with someone new, you'll enjoy the process so much more.