Advice

I was 38 when I found out that I had contracted Herpes. My 'donor' was the third man I'd ever slept with and had been completely asymptomatic. We stayed together for almost a year after my diagnosis, but eventually split for many reasons that were unrelated to our STD status. In fact, I think we both stayed in a very dysfunctional relationship for far too long because we felt we were damaged goods.

Tidbit #1: DO NOT STAY IN AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, JUST BECAUSE OF AN STD

If you have an STD and that is the only thing keeping you in your current relationship - or you have convinced yourself that you can ONLY date others with your STD, please reconsider your position. I have shared my 'status' with dozens of men over the past two years and have NEVER been met with an angry or disrespectful reaction. In fact, most men thank me for being up front.

Tidbit #2 : DO NOT SHARE YOUR STD WITH EVERY GUY YOU THINK YOU MIGHT WANT TO MEET

In the beginning, I made the mistake of feeling obligated to be up front about my STD when a man wanted to meet me. Fortunately, most men still wanted to meet me. Unfortunately, most men thought that since I was telling them about my STD, I clearly wanted to have sex with them! After a few awkward experiences of me politely explaining that it was not necessary to come to a first date stocked with Trojans, I learned that it makes much more sense to meet someone first. In most cases, I found that I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with the men I met, so the topic never needed to be discussed. However, if I went on a few dates and the chemistry was there, I knew it was time to have 'the talk.'

Ever struggled to determine whether you were in love or simply caught up in the enticing whirlwind of short-lived lust?

While it may be difficult for you to tell the difference between love and lust, your brain, according to Dr. Rick Hanson, experiences the two emotions very differently.

When people are in love, Hanson writes for BigThink.com, two areas of the brain are activated: the caudate nucleus and the tegmentum. The tegmentum sends dopamine, a neurotransmitter that helps control the brain's reward and pleasure centers, to the caudate nucleus, one of the brain's aforementioned reward centers. When the reward centers are activated, whether it be by falling in love, winning the lottery, or snorting cocaine, the brain begins craves whatever triggered the pleasurable feeling. In the case of love, the source of that feeling is the person you have fallen for.

We are motivated to pursue love, then, by our brain's desire to experience pleasure, and we are also motivated to pursue love to avoid pain. A person who has been rejected in love experiences activation in the insula, the region of the brain that is responsible for responding to physical pain.

When people are in lust, rather than deeply in love, entirely different systems of the brain are activated. One of these, the hypothalamus, is primarily concerned with the regulation of basic drives like hunger and thirst. The other, the amygdala, is responsible for emotional reactivity. Together, the hypothalamus and the amygdala are involved in "the arousal of the organism and readiness for action," like the fight-or-flight response that determines our reaction to stress and fear. These brain systems are also involved in "energizing activities that feel emotionally positive like cheering on your favorite team - or fantasizing about your sweetheart."

The differences between the neurological experiences of love and lust may help explain the differences in their subjective emotional experience. Being in love may feel softer (more, as Hanson puts it, "Aaaaahh, how sweet!") than the fires of lust (the feeling of which Hanson colorfully explains as "Rawwrh, gotta have it!") because lust triggers a reaction in regions of the brain that are devoted to high-intensity responses and love does not.

It is not just lust, however, that drives us to want to have sex with our partners. Dopamine, the neurotransmitter that is increased when feelings of love are experienced, triggers testosterone production, which is "a major factor in the sex drive of both men and women."

What's the best way, then, to determine if you're really in love or only in lust? Hire a neuropsychologist!

I was standing in line at the grocery store recently when I overheard this conversation between a man and woman:

Him: Hey, what's up?

Her: Hi, how are you?? Missed you last night at Sonia's party...

Him: Yeah, it's been really busy lately. We should all get together sometime when it calms down.

Her: Great, how about tomorrow?

Him: Umm....tomorrow isn't good for me. We'll catch up soon.

Her: Ok, how about the day after tomorrow?

Him: Uhh, I've gotta run. Tell Sonia hey.

Her: I was thinking we could go to the beach...it's been so nice lately.

Him: I really should go. Talk to you later. (He turns quickly and walks away.)

Her: Okay, then I'll call you tomorrow to figure out the details. See you Sunday!

As you can see, this conversation didn't end so well for her. Instead of engaging him in conversation, she bombarded him with requests and he felt overwhelmed. You may be an independent, no-nonsense kind of person, but this doesn't mean that you show your interest by being forceful or demanding. Even if he was interested in her, she just killed her chances of having a date with him. He's too overwhelmed to continue their conversation, and at this point, will likely screen her calls.

Contrary to some movie themes, dating isn't about knowing what you want and going after it, it's more like a dance: you engage, reach out, and then see what happens. It's crucial to keep an open heart and mind, instead of trying to control a conversation or situation.

While the interaction between the man and woman at the grocery store seems exaggerated, these kind of encounters happen every day, even if they are more subtle. Asking a man or woman out on a date shouldn't feel like an attack or an order. It should flow in the conversation; first, two people must connect. The most important part of any relationship is how you communicate, whether you're meeting someone for the first time or been with them for ten years. Being respectful, curious, and engaging is the best way to let someone know you're interested.

Everyone’s familiar with the really big online dating sites - the ones that have commercials on television, the ones where you might run into your next-door neighbor. Usually, it’s a good idea to go to the big-name sites, for several reasons: there’s less chance it’s a scam, there’s probably better oversight and safety, and a bigger pool of people means more potential matches.

However, niche dating sites abound. If you have a hobby, love, or preference, chances are there’s a niche dating site out there waiting to match you up with someone who feels the same way. When should you start exploring these niche sites?

First, and most simply, you should check out a niche dating site if there’s something that you prioritize highly. If, for example, your religion is an extremely important part of your life to the point that you wouldn’t consider dating someone of another one at all, well, maybe it’s a good idea to check out a site devoted to singles of that religion. If your dream match loves the work of Tolkien as much as you do, maybe you could check out a fantasy/geek site, or one that matches you up based on taste in books, to see if there’s anyone who fits the bill. If it’s so important that it supersedes most other preferences, it’s probably at least worth exploring a site devoted to that topic.

A niche site can also be a refreshing change of pace. Maybe you’ve been on one site for quite some time, and you’re seeing the same pictures, the same potential matches, week after week. It might be worth just checking out any other online dating site, so why not try a niche one for a complete contrast? It’s worth a peek all the more if it’s a free site.

As you branch out into niche dating sites, try to ensure that they’re reputable - much like a cart selling wares on the street, you want to be just a little extra wary, and keep your eyes open for a scam. However, many niche dating sites are just that - sites devoted to bringing together people with a specific common interest. If you find one that appeals to you, it might not hurt to at least give it a trial run. Who knows what you might find?

For information on two of the more popular niche dating services you can read our Senior People Meet review and our MillionaireMatch.com review.

"Women like guys in expensive cars."

No, that's not an entry on the list of the Top 100 Most Pervasive Dating Stereotypes Of All Time - that's an actual scientific finding, reported for The Globe And Mail by columnist and car aficionado Andrew Clark.

This finding is the result of four studies conducted by researchers at the University of Texas-San Antonio, the University of Minnesota, and Rice University. 1,000 men and women between the ages of 18 and 57 received "romantic priming" and then answered a series of questions, a survey that lead to the discovery of the stereotype-confirming epiphany above.

"There was little word on the fellows," writes Clark, "but it's a fair bet that gay males would be more attracted to a guy driving a 2012 Porsche 911 than a dude driving a Civic. Straight men would probably be more likely to experiment with the Porsche driver and I'd bet that 30 per cent of them would go all the way with a guy driving a Lamborghini Aventador."

The study's principal author is Dr. Jill Sundie, an assistant professor of marketing at the University of Texas-San Antonio. Sundie compares women's attraction to men with expensive cars to common mating rituals found in nature: "Porsches can serve the same function for some men that large and brilliant feathers serve for peacocks," she says. She also explains that conspicuous consumption "appears to be a behaviour that is much more likely to occur if the guy is seeking short-term relationships, and he is thinking about a situation where he might be able to get one of those short-term relationships."

Clark facetiously adds his own thoughts on the matter: "Other scientific discoveries from last week include, 'When it rains you get wet' and, 'If you stop eating you'll eventually die.'" He goes on to list "Inhales oxygen. Exhales carbon dioxide" as another clear signal that a man is only looking for a short-term relationship.

Women, according to Sundie, don't show signs of the same inclination to spend money in order to attract a mate. "Obviously women spend plenty of money on expensive things," she says. "But the anticipation of romance doesn't trigger flashy spending as it does with some men."

In other words, gentlemen, a flashy car is a great lure to hook women when you're fishing for a one-night stand. And ladies, keep an eye out for that flashy car if you're looking for no-strings-attached fun, but you might want to resist the seductive allure of that Bugatti Veyron if you're looking for something serious and long-term.

In elementary school, students are often sent to “interview” older family members, neighbors, and acquaintances. They might be asking them what life was like during a certain point in history, or how they became successful in their careers. However, it never seems to occur to anyone to talk about how and why their marriage has lasted decades, or how to make a long-distance relationship successful.

Yes, it’s important to remember that every relationship is unique, comprised of at least two unique individuals. Still, there’s nothing wrong with having a wide array of tips and tricks to choose from. The problem is that we tend to regard relationships as almost unknowable - and think that those who have made them work must be privy to some knowledge, handed down in a secret ceremony by the light of the full moon. In reality, it’s possible they’ve simply never been asked.

So next time you’re visiting family or friends, put on your journalist hat and look around. Who’s in an apparently successful long-term relationship? Who would you like to emulate? Instead of thinking of love as some mysterious, uncrackable code, interview the masters of the trade and ask them to share. The worst they can do is say no.

Now, remember - occasionally appearances can be deceiving. There’s always the couple that looks perfect but isn’t. Sometimes elderly couples might operate on philosophies that you find outdated or non-applicable. That’s okay - mentally file it away. Who knows what insight it might give you at another time?

What you’re striving to do is not literally copy an established couple, but gain as much general knowledge as you can about relationships and the various ways to handle them. Then, in your own relationships, you can use what works, discard what doesn’t, and make up a few rules of your own as you go along. This is what you would do if you were raising a child, starting a new job, or moving to a new place - why not apply it to love as well?