Advice

Sue and Steve are a couple who have been married for years. When I see them interact, it’s adorable; they share inside jokes and affection without annoying everyone else in the room. They perform small tasks for one another without sighing about it. Perhaps most importantly, they genuinely seem to like one another. It’s clear that they love each other, and that they’re quite a good match.

It’s also clear that the way their relationship works would never work for me.

Do they do anything wrong? No. But their personalities are both drastically different from mine. Steve is the kind of guy who happily holds a purse while standing outside the dressing room door, while I prefer the kind of guys who would rather split up and do the shopping independently. Sue teases Steve incessantly, and while it doesn’t appear to bother him at all, I might take it a little more personally if I were in his shoes. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with Steve, or Sue, or my own preferences; they’re just different.

Why, then, do we tend to compare our relationships against those of the people we know? Being in a relationship can be a precarious tightrope walk, balancing the needs and wants of two unique people. Why should we copy the balance techniques of someone who’s top-heavy, when our own weight is skewed to the left?

However, that doesn’t mean that we can’t gain any insight from relationships that aren’t our own. Instead of looking at exactly how couple interacts, try focusing on the end result. For example, instead of thinking, “She waits on him hand and foot!” notice that they try to help each other whenever they can. Instead of thinking, “I could never handle such mean teasing!” focus on the fact that they constantly laugh together. The end result is what you want to emulate; the method of getting there may differ.

We’ve all been there at some point; someone you’ve always considered a friend in the past suddenly becomes more appealing. Or maybe there’s always been a little bit of chemistry, and it’s growing. Now you’re thinking about moving out of the friend zone and maybe turning the situation into something more. What to do?

It seems like a situation fraught with peril. It’s always risky, initiating romance with someone, but when you feel like your friendship is also on the line it can be all the more paralyzing. But honestly, it doesn’t have to be that bad - if you keep a few tips in mind.

First, and most importantly, move on the situation early. Yes, that’s right, the opposite of every “will they or won’t they?” plot you’ve ever seen on TV. There are several reasons why this is preferable. First, if it’s going to work out and you can feel the chemistry building between you, there’s really no point in waiting. Secondly, if you do get rejected, your feelings won’t have been that strong in the first place and it will be all the more easy to bounce back. And finally, there’s nothing to gain by dragging it out, feeling more and more strongly and pining away. It doesn’t help you in any sense. So get an answer, one way or another, as soon as you can.

There’s one glaring exception to this - if the object of your affection is in what appears to be a happy, stable relationship. Yes, there’s always a chance things aren’t really as they appear, but getting involved with someone who’s married or seriously taken, whether or not they’re your best friend, has a slim chance of long-term success. Better to look elsewhere, if you can.

Finally, regardless of whether your love interest says yes or no, be prepared for awkwardness. If they’ve said yes, remember that your relationship is changing, albeit hopefully for the better. Don’t stress out about a transition. And if they say no, they undoubtedly want the friendship to stay the same just as fervently as you do, and they don’t know what to do about it, either. So take a few days to get over your bruised ego, and when you’re feeling ready, carry on like you were before. The more adult everyone is about the situation, the quicker the strangeness will pass - and it will pass.

It’s not uncommon for friends to grow into something more, but whether or not you get the outcome you’re looking for, a strong friendship can weather it just the same. Don’t let your feelings drag you into the realm of pain and pining - an answer, one way or the other, will be far kinder, and will more easily allow you to preserve your friendship.

A kiss is a whole lot more than touching lips.

So says Sheril Kirshenbaum, in her new book The Science of Kissing: What Our Lips Are Telling Us. Kissing, properly known as "osculation," is far more than a show of affection - it is a way of judging compatibility between partners and determining the likelihood that their relationship will last.

Here are 10 nuggets of kissing wisdom Kirshenbaum offers her readers:

1. Red is ravishing. Playing up your natural assets is the key to developing an effective beauty regime. In studies, red is consistently rated the most appealing color of lipstick.
2. Kissing has a long and glorious history. According to Kirshenbaum, the earliest literary evidence for kissing appears 3,500 years ago, in India's Vedic Sanskrit text.
3. Humans aren't the only creatures who love locking lips. Other social animals smooch or engage in behaviors that approximate kissing. Bonobos, a type of Chimpanzee very closely related to humans, have been known to kiss for 12 continuous minutes, while giraffes show affection by entwining necks.
4. A good kiss goes far beyond simple chemistry. While basic attraction is important, Kirshenbaum believes that it's ambiance and emotional connection that really make a kiss spectacular.
5. You'll never forget how to ride a bike, and you'll never forget your first kiss. Researchers at Butler University found that your first kiss is unforgettable - even more so than losing your virginity. The explanation for this phenomenon is unclear, but Kirshenbaum theorizes that a person's first kiss is an exceptionally strong memory because it is his or her introduction to sexual behavior.
6. The nose knows. Humans subconsciously determine compatibility based on a partner's natural scent, which is easily analyzed during a kiss. On a superficial level, Kirshenbaum notes, basic hygiene is an important indicator of whether or not a relationship is worth pursuing. Beyond that, scent appears to have a direct connection to the details of someone's genetic makeup.
7. Humans are hardwired to enjoy stimulation on their lips. Scientists have found that a disproportionate amount of space is dedicated to processing information from the lips in the human brain, so the smallest sensation can create a huge splash.
8. Kissing can be addictive. Significant amounts of dopamine, a feel-good reward chemical involved in addiction, are released in the brain when we smooch. As the novelty of a new relationship wears off, and with it our initial obsession with our partners, the levels of dopamine in our brains also decreases.
9. First impressions count. According to a S.U.N.Y. Albany study, 59% of men and 66% of women claimed that they ended a relationship because the first kiss didn't measure up.
10. Kissing is a key ingredient in a lasting relationship. Kissing may reduce stress by decreasing the level of cortisol, the stress hormone, in the body. Locking lips also releases oxytocin, which helps us bond with new partners and stay attached to long-term loves.

When Cher sang "It's in his kiss," she was onto a whole lot more than a catchy pop song.

What do romantic comedies, Sudoku puzzles, and Twitter have in common?

They were all tools used in experiments in TruTv's countdown of "10 Dumb Sex & Relationship Studies." We've already covered some of the most ridiculous research collected by Nick Nadel in Part I, so let's jump straight into more highlights from the list:

Dubious Study #4: Researchers at the University of Valencia in Spain studied 84 male students, who were asked to solve a Sudoku puzzle while an attractive woman was in the room. They found that the cortisol levels of some men were so high they had reached the level of a person jumping out of a plane. Contact with an attractive woman, the researchers then reasoned, can cause stress hormones to reach dangerously high levels.

Nadel's Take: This study is just plain ridiculous. "Who did the researchers bring in for this study," he wonders, "Sofia Vergara? Just how hard up are these guys that they can't solve a simple Sudoku while in the presence of a pretty face?"

My Thoughts: Maybe it was a really hard Sudoku puzzle?

Dubious Study #5: Women love men with mystery, according to a team from Virginity University and Harvard, who found that women were more drawn to the Facebook profiles of men who showed little interest in them.

Nadel's Take: Isn't this basic dating wisdom that everyone learns in elementary school? Was a scientific study really required?

My Thoughts: Once again, I find myself taking Nadel's side, with one important addition - yes, it's a well-known fact that women are drawn to men they think are unattainable, but men are also consistently drawn to women they think they can't have. Playing hard to get works both ways.

Dubious Study #6: "Children of divorce tend to lag behind in math test scores and interpersonal skills," says a doctoral candidate at the University of Wisconsin.

Nadel's Take: Divorce isn't easy on anyone, but does it deserve to be blamed for everything?

My Thoughts: Divorce is rough on all involved, there's no doubt about it. It should come as no surprise that the end of a marriage - or any other traumatic experience - may have negative effects on other areas of a person's - child or not - life.

Dubious Study #7: Women who marry men who are less attractive than they are have happier marriages, according to a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology.

Nadel's Take: These findings represent nothing more than the stereotype that men place more value on physical appearance than women, while women seek out support and stability.

My Thoughts: There is also plenty of research, as Nadel points out, that suggests that people seek out partners with matching levels of attractiveness. So perhaps what all these studies are really telling us is that love and attraction cannot be quantified and explained - merely enjoyed.

Read the original post here.

It’s not uncommon to hear a line spoken in movies that goes something along the lines of: “You don’t get to choose who you love.” Is that accurate, or is it a cliche? Are we really slaves to the heart, or do we make a conscious decision to love someone?

If you were an alien visitor observing the speech of Earthlings, you might think there was no free will in love at all. You might hear about two people who were “meant for each other,” or who tried to “fight destiny” and failed (and usually the failure is a good thing). You might hear that one person was “irresistibly drawn” to someone else, and wonder if they meant that literally.

But on the other hand, you might hear a fair bit about choice, too, at least in Western culture. Someone might worry that their friend is “making a big mistake” in staying with the person of their choice. You might hear someone wonder where they would be if they had made a different decision, or conversely, hear them say that accepting a date was “the best decision I ever made.”

So where does the truth lie? Perhaps somewhere in the middle. For example, you probably have very little control who you’re attracted to or infatuated with - as anyone who’s ever been on a date with someone who was great but just didn’t share that “spark” can attest. Basic attraction comes from some primitive (or maybe highly sophisticated), chemical level. You can’t fake it.

That being said, you certainly do have a level of control over it. For example, if you’re attracted to someone who would be a terrible choice - maybe they’re married, maybe they’re abusive - it might be painful on the level of breaking an addiction, but it’s possible to avoid staying with them. On a less dramatic level, no one’s perfect, and we all weigh their pros and cons somewhere in our minds before deciding that the overall package is acceptable.

Perhaps you don’t get to choose who you become infatuated with, but love is something else, something acquired over time, hours spent together. By the time you’ve reached the point of love, you’ve probably made countless decisions to do so - and hopefully they really are some of the best decisions you’ve made.

When you’re first getting to know someone, it can be tempting to fall into tried-and-true dating habits: staying in, going to same familiar places, developing a routine. While there’s nothing wrong with this, it might be a good idea to throw in something a little more challenging, right from the beginning - an adventure, something with a bit of stress and excitement.

Why? Well, one of the simplest reasons is that you don’t want to wait until you’ve been in a relationship for months before you see how your partner handles the slightest bit of stress. Maybe you’ll find you work extremely well together. Maybe you’ll find that your partner is an very poor loser, or that traveling stresses them out. Maybe you’ll find that you’re the one who doesn’t function very well without an exact plan to follow. Are any of these relationship-breakers? Absolutely not - but it’s good to have a well-developed and practical picture of each other and your relationship, to be aware of both the good and the bad aspects.

On the other hand, you might find that the two of you make a great problem-solving team or fantastic partners-in-adventure. Tackling a fun challenge together, early on in your relationship, could actually help promote a feeling of togetherness, as you and your partner develop as a “team” - the two of you against all else. If you find that getting lost in the mountains together or taking on a rock climbing wall doesn’t work for you, that’s fine; you can work on finding other things that do. But if it does, you’ve found activities that could bring you closer together than seeing a movie or having coffee.

There’s nothing wrong with traditional dates and activities - but try not to leave the fun, out-of-the-box ideas until you’re trying to “spice up” your dating life. Having an adventure together, whether it’s a road trip to see a concert or urban geocaching, could be an eye-opening experience or bring new depth to your relationship - and could be just plain fun!