Dating

Many of us are so focused on the destination, we rarely enjoy or appreciate the journey to get us there. I believe this is very true with dating. We're so focused on finding the right person - the one who will make us happy - that we tend to forget about what brings us happiness right now.

The journey is as important as finding that special someone. In all likelihood, you're not the same person you were five years ago. Your relationships help you evolve, whether or not they last for years or just a few short weeks. All of our dating experiences, no matter how brief, contribute to who we are right now.

Instead of focusing on the end goal of finding Mr. or Miss Right, I suggest to start 2014 on a different note. Embrace your single lifestyle instead.

It's time to look at dating from another perspective. We're so tied to the idea of our Mr. Perfect (maybe you've even made a wish list of everything you desire in a perfect partner) - that we don't really see the person in front of us when we're dating. Maybe he doesn't rock your world in terms of chemistry, or maybe he's not physically what you pictured but he makes you laugh, or maybe his career and education don't match yours but he's smart, sweet and kind. Are you going to agree to a second date, or just write him off because he's not what you imagined?

I suggest that if you're uncertain or indifferent about a first date, you agree to go on at least three dates with him/her before you decide he just isn't for you. The point is, sometimes our preconceived notions of who someone is clouds our judgment. You can't know someone after only one date - even the person you felt incredible chemistry with. It takes time, so be willing to spend it. Plus, you'll probably get to know some interesting people along the way.

Sometimes it's hard to put yourself out there, too. Meeting people requires effort - it requires you to get out of your house when sometimes you don't feel like it. Occasionally it might feel like another job. But it doesn't have to. A few tweaks to your priorities and schedule can help.

For instance, instead of lining up several coffee dates (snooze - don't you feel like you have the same old conversations?), try doing something you like instead. Want to squeeze in a workout? How about indoor rock climbing with your date? Or if you would like to take your dog to the park, suggest you walk dogs together. Just think of what you'd like to do anyway and incorporate it into a date. It makes the date more interesting and more fun, and helps motivate you to keep meeting more people.

Happy dating!

February 14th is around the corner, which is typically not a holiday singles get excited about. Maybe you see co-workers getting fancy flower arrangements or chocolates, or happy couples embracing in the street, and you would rather the holiday just pass quickly so all the fuss could stop.

But Valentine's Day isn't just about couples, it's a actually a celebration of love in general. When I was single, I made sure to celebrate with my friends, who were my ultimate support network. Others might want to treat themselves to something they've always wanted to do. There's no reason to sit out this holiday just because you're single. Make it a point to celebrate. It's all about love.

Here are some ideas for whatever makes you happy.

Celebrating with friends:

Dinner and a movie. Do you want a relaxing night at home? Gather a group of friends together and make it a potluck, or cook dinner together and enjoy it with a good movie. Don't feel the need to watch a rom-com; there are plenty of comedy shows and stand-up acts that will make the evening a little more fun.

Listen to music. Sometimes, there's nothing better than hanging with your friends and listening to some live music. Is there a dive bar near you doing anything special, or a smaller theatre where local bands perform? You don't have to spend a lot of money or include a date to make it a memorable evening.

Meeting men:

Going out with the girls. Valentine's Day is actually the best day to meet eligible men. The taken ones are with their significant others, wining and dining - but you and your friends can go to a bar or club and be sure you're meeting men who are truly single.

Sports bars. Where is the best place to be on Valentine's Day if you want to meet men? Go where no guy would venture to take his significant other on February 14th - the local sports bar. Enjoy a game and a beer and have fun chatting it up with lots of single men.

Taking care of you:

Book a spa appointment. If you're not excited about getting together with friends, treat yourself. This is a day to take care of you, so book a massage or facial and enjoy. Relaxing at a nice spa is a great way to spend your evening, and you'll be in good company.

Sign up for a new class. Maybe you're looking for something a little different to move your life forward. Have you been wanting to take an Argentinian cooking class or check out Zumba? Have you always wanted to rock climb? Now is the time to explore - on Valentine's Day.

It's the stuff of romantic movies: the story of two best friends who are secretly in love and seem perfect for each other - the same hobbies, interests, and maybe even career - but they are too afraid to reveal their feelings. Of course in the movies, they end up falling in love and everything works out perfectly, and all of their friends and family wonder what took so long. But in real life, it's not so easy.

Friendships and love are a tricky mix. Many people don't want to risk losing the friendship just to see if they can be in a relationship together, so they choose to remain silent. What happens if you reveal your feelings and your friend rejects you? If one person doesn't feel the same about the other, can things go back to the way they were? It's hard to remain friends if a romantic relationship doesn't work out. It can be awkward for both of you to carry on as though nothing has changed.

On the other hand, it's likely that your feelings don't live in a bubble, and that maybe your friend has gotten a hint from you from time to time that you might be interested. Maybe both of you have refused to talk about it.

I think more often than not, the truth will eventually come out, because it's hard to hide growing feelings of love. It's good to be prepared to face your feelings about your friend and be honest with him about how you feel. Otherwise, you can't move on with your own life.

If you're wondering what to do, following are some questions you can ask yourself to see if a romance with your friend is something you'd like to pursue.

Does he talk to you about his dating life? If he's confiding in you about the women he dates - what sex with them is like, how he feels about them, what romantic gestures he wants to make, likely he feels that you are nothing more than a friend. If he mentions "you're like a sister to me," then this is another sign he isn't thinking about you in a romantic way. If you want to preserve your friendship, it's probably best to move on.

Do you feel that you can be in a long-term relationship with him? Sometimes we mistake feelings of attraction towards friends of the opposite sex for real love. Maybe you're physically attracted to him and want to see what it would be like to have sex, but you're not interested in anything long-term. Do you want to end your friendship over a curiosity? Make sure you know what you want first.

What would you do if it didn't work out? Sometimes friends embark on a romantic relationship, only to realize that it's not working as they hoped. What would you do after a break-up? Could you go back to being friends? Would you be at peace with taking a break and not seeing him for a while? Be reasonable about your expectations.

Does having a healthy body image contribute to a better relationship?

According to a new study by Tallinn University, women who were satisfied with their body image were found to maintain happier relationships, too.

The study was based on survey data drawn from 256 women between the ages of 20 and 45. Nearly 72% of respondents were cohabitating with their partners and 28% were married.

After studying the responses, lead researcher Sabina Vatter noticed that women who were satisfied with their relationships were more likely to be satisfied with their body weight regardless of whether or not they had an ideal body type or weight. She also discovered that these findings corresponded to higher levels of self-esteem and low self-consciousness.

"This shows that body and body weight can create general satisfaction, which would be forwarded to feelings for a romantic partner," Vatter said.

Additionally, those participants who were dieting or who just came off a diet were more likely to be self-conscious about their bodies. They were less satisfied with their body weight, weighed themselves more often and had higher BMIs than those who had not been on a diet. They also reported lower satisfaction with their relationships.

Women who were most critical of their body image were found to have less satisfaction in their relationship, including their sexual relationship with a partner.

According to Vatter, "These findings suggest that our satisfaction with body size, shape and weight has more to do with how happy we are in important areas of our lives, like our romantic relationships, than it does with what the bathroom scales say."

The study didn't mention any other factors related to body image as part of the survey, but focused specifically on the connection between body image and relationship satisfaction. Many women compare themselves to an ideal body type they can't duplicate but perhaps see in magazines, causing more feelings of anxiety which can also impact relationships.

According to the study, those women who have greater levels of acceptance and more self-esteem about their bodies (and less inhibition) are able to have happier and more fulfilling relationships, including the sexual component. But it goes both ways - happier relationships can help create happier feelings about your body.

"When a woman was satisfied with her relationship, she was also satisfied with her body weight, which also applies vice versa," said Vatter. "Higher body-weight satisfaction results in higher satisfaction with a relationship."

Almost everyone who’s met someone through an online dating site has some version of this story:

“I was on a first date with someone new, and we hadn’t spotted each other yet. I saw them before they saw me. When they finally realized who I was, I saw their face fall, plain as day. Apparently I wasn’t as attractive as they’d hoped, even though I felt I’d been honest with my profile pics. Anyway, the rest of the date was ruined. I was terribly self-conscious, and I felt like my personality was being silently judged - would I be ‘good enough’ to overcome my physical deficit - so of course that only made me feel worse. What a waste of time.”

Yes, it’s a tale we’ve heard or experienced before. But what’s interesting is that almost everyone also has some version of this tale:

“I was meeting someone for the first time - it’s always hard to recognize someone in person, even when you’ve seen a picture - and they found me first. Right from the moment they said hello, it felt like something was off, so I don’t know what I could have done to prompt such a cool reception. It was so strange - online they were so bright, lively and engaging. In person they were cold, dull and distant. I did my best to carry on but it cast a chill over the whole date. They looked more or less like their picture, but the personality was completely different from the profile.”

These two stories could very well be two sides of the same date. In short, we place far too much emphasis on the first moment we lay eyes on each other - for better or for worse. We’ve clearly liked the profile of our date well enough to want to meet, but we’re still meeting for the first time on that first date; are we really expecting our date will fall for us at first sight? How many people have you instantly loved?

Rather than reading too much into the first flicker of an expression, we need to consider the date as a whole - especially once you’ve gotten into good conversation. But we’ll never make it that far if we’re obsessed with what our date is thinking; in fact, if we’re too wrapped up in that we’re probably not even listening to the conversation.

The fastest way to doom a first date is to decide it’s already doomed. Sure, everyone has dates that get off on the wrong foot, and everyone has dates where there’s just no mutual chemistry. The question is, are you naturally incompatible with your date, or did you create a self-fulfilling prophecy based on nothing more than a facial twitch?

Divorce isn't an easy thing to go through. It can leave you feeling vulnerable and lonely, especially if you'd been growing apart from your former spouse for a while. It can also make you afraid to move forward in your love life. How do you decide when you're ready to date again, and what will it be like?

There's no doubt it takes time to heal, so if you're recently divorced it's good to give yourself a break and don't jump into a new relationship head-first. Also, if you have children to consider you might want to take things slowly before you introduce someone new into their lives. (And you might also prepare yourself - you'll likely be dating people who have children and busy schedules themselves.)

So how do you go about dating, or deciding whether you're ready for a new relationship? Everyone is different, so it's important to know yourself and what feels right for you. Following are some tips on getting back out there:

Take time to heal. Resist the urge to start dating because you're lonely. Maybe your kids are out of the house and it feels empty, but this isn't a good reason to form a new relationship. It's important to get to know yourself first, outside of who you are as a partner. Try a new hobby or sport that has always interested you. Make new friends who are single. Take baby steps to try and craft a new life for yourself that feels good to you.

Dip your toe in the dating pool first. I have a recently divorced friend who has been married twice and has had several long-term relationships. And after every break-up, he finds a new relationship almost immediately, throwing himself into his lover's life, only to have it end again. Instead of going straight to the next relationship, I think it's important to take a break. Give yourself a chance to grieve your divorce and understand what you really want. Then when you're ready, sign up for an online dating site and start going on dates with more than one person.

Be honest with your dates about where you are. Keep your options open, and let your dates know you're not ready for exclusivity. There's no need to jump into anything. It's important to be alone as well as to be with someone else, so let yourself have that experience.

Date outside your type. I know most of us have a type that we are attracted to - whether it's the dark-haired emotionally unavailable type or the blonde, reserved and non-communicative type. If you find yourself gravitating towards someone who reminds you of your ex, it's probably a good idea to take a step back and evaluate. Don't repeat old patterns. Date someone you would normally not consider, and see how it goes. Now is the time to experiment!

Take it slow. Dating is different for everyone. Don't feel pressured to act or move forward according to some kind of timeline of what "should" happen or what your date wants. Dating isn't a race, it's a process. If you're not ready for a relationship, or to sleep with your date, don't feel that something is wrong. Pay attention to your own timeline and go with what feels right to you.