Dating

Jennifer Lopez recently admitted to online magazine YourTango that she doesn't like being alone, and she's owning that about herself. She was unapologetic in her declaration. Many people feel the same way, even though we may not want to admit it.

Being alone is a scary prospect. Maybe you are independent in some ways, like in terms of your career or financial status (as is Jennifer!), but when it comes to relationships you can't picture yourself single for any significant period of time. In fact, the thought of not having someone to turn to in the middle of the night - lacking a partner's support - might make you panic.

Do you jump from relationship to relationship? Do you avoid breaking up with someone who isn't right for you in order to avoid being alone? Do you demand too much, too soon from new relationships because you miss that feeling of intimacy?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, the thought of being alone probably frightens you. Are you willing to let these thoughts go, to change your attachment to relationships? Maybe jumping from one relationship to the next isn't serving you, and is leaving you feeling more desperate and alone after each break-up. But it doesn't have to. You are in more control than you think. You have the power to choose to love someone because you want to love him, not because you need to have love in your life.

It's time to turn those feelings around, so instead of acting out of fear, you'll be standing on firmer, healthier ground. When you are in a better place you will have an easier time finding the right person. More importantly, you can feel safer that you will find the right person instead of another Mr. Right Now. You can feel more secure.

First, I ask you to do these exercises. When you're head and heart are in a more supportive space, you can make better decisions about who to love:

Practice gratitude. Daily reflections on what you have in your life right now can shift your thinking. Often, we're so focused on what we want that we neglect to acknowledge all we have. But it's just as important. List five things every day that you are grateful for.

Understand you are whole. You don't need someone else to be "complete." You are a perfectly whole, capable, loving human being. Instead of assuming that you have a "better half," concentrate on all that you are right now.

Rely on your support network. Friends and family are invaluable, so don't forget about them when you're thinking about a new love. They provide support when we're low and between break-ups, and they are there to celebrate with us, too when good things happen. Cherish them.

Pursue what you love. Instead of focusing on a new relationship, think about other areas of your life where you can experience something new. Is there a hobby you've always wanted to try? Do you want to start painting again? Nourish activities you love, which can be fulfilling, too.

Do you know when you're on a date and when you're just hanging out? If you're confused about the difference - you're not alone. It's getting harder and harder to tell for a lot of singles.

According to a new study by Christian Mingle and JDate, there is a lot of ambiguity. Their online survey of 2,647 singles of varying ages (18-59) shows that 69% of respondents are confused about whether an outing with someone they're interested in is a date or not.

Maybe the confusion comes in with the definition of a date. According to the data, only 22% agree that "if they ask me out, it's a date," whereas 24% think it's a "planned evening with a group of friends."

So why all the ambiguity? According to the study, technology might have something to do with it. Fifty-seven percent of 18- to 24-year-olds say texting has made it more difficult to determine whether an outing is an actual date. But among older daters, that isn't necessarily true. Only 36% of 35-44 year-olds think that texting has made it more difficult.

The ambiguity isn't gender-specific either - both men and women generally agree. Mostly, opinions vary by age. The younger the dater, the less likely he or she is certain whether or not it's a date.

"In today's modern world there are so many factors contributing to blurred lines and mixed messages when it comes to dating and relationships," says Rachel Sussman, Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker who analyzed the results of the study. "I see clients every day who are struggling with how to navigate muddled waters in a new or long-term relationship, and this study by ChristianMingle and JDate confirms these issues exist across the country."

Expectations for men to pay on a date seem to be declining, too. Only 69 percent of men say the man should foot the bill for a date (vs. last year's study of 78 percent). This might be part of the dating ambiguity issue, too, because if the outing isn't clearly defined, there's no need to offer to pay as a gesture of affection or chivalry.

While singles might not agree on what constitutes a date, they do overwhelmingly agree (by 85%) that online dating is a socially acceptable way to meet people. Also, two out of three know couples who have met through online dating sites. Ninety-four percent believe that online dating expands their dating pool.

While the definition of a date might be more and more ambiguous, it seems that online dating is gaining more and more acceptance as time goes on. We'll see what the results say next year.

Are you ready for a new reality TV show about dating? MTV is betting you are.

The new show doesn't center around one bachelor or bachelorette. Instead, the goal of this show is for the 20 singles participating to find true love with the other contestants, which makes the playing field a little more equal. The twenty contestants are stranded together at a resort, which makes for a lot of drama and temptations.

Here comes the catch - each of the contestants has been matched in advance with another contestant on the show - thanks to a staff of dating experts. But the contestants don't know who their matches are. If they all figure out their matches by the show's end, the whole group splits one million dollars. Now, that's incentive to find love. Or is it?

It's an interesting premise, because it allows us to see on the screen how these participants think of connection and love, and what qualities they might consider for someone to be a good match. Do they look for physical chemistry, or what interests they have in common with someone else, or do they look for contestants who share similar backgrounds or careers? Often, what we think makes someone a good match for us doesn't necessarily translate to a real-life connection. Maybe we fall in love with someone who is very different from what we pictured. So maybe these participants will have to let go of some of their assumptions.

At the end of each episode, all the contestants are required to couple up, and they are told how many couples are correctly matched, but not which ones. From the beginning, you can see that some singles are motivated to follow their hearts, while others are looking at strategy and who seems the likeliest fit, whether or not they feel anything for the person. I guess a million dollars can make you rethink your own intuition and judgment.

Jon Caramanica states in his review posted on The New York Times website: "It's striking how casually and easily the participants try one another on for size, and how quickly they're willing to mistrust their own instincts in favor of what the show - via the "truth booth" -tells them about their compatibility. Shanley and Chris T. bond within minutes, but when it's revealed they're not a match a day or two later, Shanley moves on with barely a thought, leaving Chris T. slightly stunned."

I'm interested to watch the show because of this human element - what we value, and how much we trust our guts as opposed to what others tell us might be good for us. Would you be willing to be paired with someone who didn't make you weak in the knees if it meant that you got financial reward? That's reality TV, I guess.

Have you ever been on a double date? I'm a big fan of group dates, because it takes the pressure off. Some daters feel more comfortable and relaxed when they don't have to think of all the conversation like they do in a one-on-one date.

But what if you're on a double date with your friend and you find yourself drawn to your friend's date? In fact, you've barely heard two words your own date has muttered. You're too busy staring at your friend's guy - his beautiful green eyes and sexy mouth. The chemistry is there. You can sense he's interested in you, too. Should you pretend not to notice, or do you pull your friend aside and ask her if you can pursue him?

This can be an awkward moment, especially because you have history and a friendship with your friend and likely you're just meeting her date. There's no reason to think that things might work out between you, or that you would know how your friend might feel about it. One question to ask yourself is: how committed is your friend to her date? Is this the first time they are meeting, or have they been going out a while?

If this is a first date and your friend doesn't seem to be too interested, it might be a good idea to pull her aside and let her know how you feel. After all, chemistry is a powerful thing - and if you feel it, you want to see where it leads.

On the other hand, if your friend has been dating him a while or has expressed real interest, then you might be crossing a line by asking if she'd be okay with you dating him. They might not be together, but you don't want to interfere if she started dating him first. If it doesn't work out between them, or if he doesn't feel the same way about her, tell your friend before you start pursuing him.

Think of it this way: would you want your friend to run off with your date, even if you weren't sure if you were interested in him? Probably not, because you at least want a chance to see where it goes. And if you were interested in him initially, it can still feel like a betrayal if she doesn't consider your feelings along with her actions.

Bottom line: Talk to your friend before the date, and let each other know where you stand on this issue. If it is a first date for both of you, then be willing to let your friend pursue your date if you're not feeling it. But if she's been dating him a while? Try looking for someone else.

Women place a lot of expectations on themselves when it comes to relationships. We invest emotionally, even when we aren't sure how he feels. We think that if we work hard to show a man how much we love him, how much we're willing to sacrifice, he's bound to love us back.

Life often doesn't work this way.

It's hard to be single, especially when you see your friends getting coupled up, one by one. Maybe you join a slew of online dating sites hoping to meet the right person, or maybe you decide the man you're dating could be the right one, so why not commit to him? Unfortunately, when you choose a partner based on a timeline instead of your own conviction and happiness the relationship will likely fail.

When women date, especially as we grow older, we can accumulate a sense of urgency (the biological clock) as well as a sense of fear (we'll never meet the Right One and we'll be alone forever). So our choices seem very limited and we panic. Maybe we reach out to the first available guy, or maybe we commit to a man who doesn't really care to be in a relationship, just to avoid being alone, or maybe because we think that's all we can have. But in reality - it's quite the opposite. More than half of the U.S. adult population is single. That's more than enough choice. The key is being patient enough to find the person you really want, and having the courage to communicate your needs.

Following are some tips to help you embrace dating instead of the fear of being alone:

Take it slow. When we feel chemistry with a man, it's hard to stop ourselves from jumping into a relationship headfirst. We want to fall in love! The problem is, we can't know someone after one or two dates, so we have no idea what he wants or who he is. How many times have men just disappeared after a great date? So even if you do feel chemistry, it's best to take things slow. Really get to know him, and take your time. There's no rush to the finish line when it comes to forming a lasting relationship.

Communicate your own needs. Are you the one who's always making plans or calling, only to have him cancel at the last minute? Do you find yourself wanting more every time you're together - more intimacy, more communication, more attention? Maybe it's time to stop chasing him, and move on to someone who does the pursuing. There's no use trying to move a relationship forward if you're the only one doing it. You deserve someone who feels the same way about you.

Don't settle when it comes to love.

Our smartphones have changed the way we do...well, pretty much everything...and dating is no exception. Some people remain dating purists, committed to only communicating via phone call, abiding by the 3-day rule, and never, ever using an app to meet someone. Others have fully embraced the new technological era, and are probably swiping their way through matches on Tinder as we speak.

I have no doubt that both sides have valid points, but frankly I prefer to consult someone (or in this case, something) a little less biased: research. A new study examining mobile's impact on dating and relationships has shed a teeny bit of light on how our smartphones affect our love lives. Here's what the study found:

• To call or not to call? That is the question. When asked, women tend to say they prefer men to call before meeting face-to-face, while men say they feel a call is too forward. The data, however, tells a slightly different story. Around 1/3 of both sexes agree that it's less intimidating to ask someone out via text, although 68% of singles say they still want to chat on the phone or in person to schedule dates. We modern techies typically type, but seeing as confidence is widely considered to be the most attractive trait in a partner, maybe the text is doing us a disservice. Perhaps we should opt for the proactive approach and pick up the phone.
• Stop with the 3-day rule already. If things didn't go well on your date, put everyone out of their misery and end things sooner rather than later. Just do it like the nice, responsible adult you are, please - don't be one of the 50% of singles who said they would consider breaking up with someone they were casually dating with just a few swipes on screen, or the 24% who said they would end an exclusive relationship via text. On the other hand, if things went well, make your feelings clear in low-pressure way. A simple thank you text sent within 24 hours of a good first date keeps you on your date's radar and opens the door for further flirty conversation.
• Your smartphone speaks louder than words. The iPhone vs. Android battle is fierce, and it turns out which side you fall on reveals insights into your personality and behaviors. Android users are apparently the politer daters - more likely to pick you up at home, pay for the first date, and send a post-date text. They're also more trusting of their partners - nearly 50% said they would allow someone they're dating to look through their phones!

So are smartphones good or bad news for our love lives? It's hard to tell. But what we do know is that they aren't going anywhere any time soon, so we're far better off learning to love them as another tool in our dating arsenals.