Advice

Is the perfect partner dall, dark, and handsome? Is he a leather jacket-wearing bad boy? Maybe she’s an effortlessly beautiful model, or a geeky gamer girl.

The real answer, of course, goes much deeper than that. A perfect partner should be judged not by their looks, but by their actions. EliteSingles polled 10,000 members from around the world about how they would like their future partner to act in a relationship. Some of the results may surprise you.

Participants were asked to agree or disagree with a series of statements about the behavior they expect from their partners. According to the survey, the top five things singles would like their ideal partner to do are:

1. Share his/her concerns with me: 91%
2. Include me in his/her plans for the future: 86%
3. Accompany me to a family member’s birthday party: 84%
4. Give me freedom to have time (hobbies, interests, etc.) for myself: 83%
5. Find the time to talk to me every day: 80%

The study also delved into things EliteSingles members didn’t expect their future partners to do. Men and women gave mostly the same answers, but they expressed a significant difference in the way they expected their partners to show affection. Only 2% of women wished for their partners to show affection through sex, while men were averse to being shown affection by receiving compliments. Only 3% of men said they expect praise from their partners.

Other key differences between Mars and Venus focused on household chores and fashion choices. Fifty-nine percent of women said expect their partners to do housework, compared to 38% of men. What men were more interested in was lingerie - 62% of men said they would like to be surprised with sexy underwear, compared to just 26% of women.

As silly as some of these stats may sound, and as easy as you may think it is to write them off, expectations are essential to relationships. Standards are necessary and healthy, as long as you don’t saddle a partner with an excessive number of expectations or expectations that are unreasonable.

EliteSingles psychologist Salama Marine offers this caution:

“The problem is when you feel obligated to fulfill your partner’s expectations: when you start to feel limited in your decisions or not free anymore to do what you want; or when your needs are completely forgotten to only respond to your partner’s expectations. If this is the case, then it’s a sign that there is a problem in the relationship.”

If you find yourself in that situation, there’s only one solution: communication. Discuss your expectations with your partner clearly and openly, and be sure to listen to them in return. "Good communication will allow you to negotiate and compromise,” says Marine.

For more information on this dating service please read our Elite Singles review.

A recent article in news website Refinery29 explored a much-ignored topic in dating: the fact that now, the word “dating” is almost a dirty word, at least among those actually doing it.

In the article, the author argued – singles using dating apps and online dating sites don’t like to use the word “dating” to describe what they are doing, but prefer to use a more casual term, like “hanging out” or “Netflix and chill.” But if we are honest with ourselves – dating is exactly what we are doing. So, why not call a spade a spade?

Over the past few years, there has been a growing aversion to using the word “dating” to describe interactions between people who meet on Tinder, POF, OkCupid, Bumble or Hinge. There is little to no mention of the word date when two people message back and forth, because for some reason, that sounds so formal. It sounds like a promise, an admission that we are looking for a relationship, which is too much pressure. Besides, “dating” could end badly, and people could get hurt. It puts emotions front and center, when people would rather put their emotions aside in order to hook up or see who they can meet next.

Since when did a date turn into something that it’s not?

Dating is all about getting to know someone, to see if they might be a romantic fit. What we have been doing slowly over the past few years in “dating culture” is to take the emotion out of it. In other words, make it less stressful and serious. After all, if all you want to do is hang out, have sex, or “see what happens,” why call it a date?

But here’s what Refinery29’s author presents: we all know what we are doing on Tinder. We are seeing who we might want to be with – physically, romantically, in a relationship. We don’t want to shake hands and call it a night. We want something intimate from the exchange – hence, it’s dating.

There’s something else going on, though. We are afraid of actually connecting with someone and getting hurt. We hide behind screens. We assume that there will always be someone else out there, someone better than the person in front of us, or prettier, or more successful, or better in bed. We are always looking. Which means we are never present in the moment.

And that’s where the magic happens, in the present moment. That’s the only place it lives.

So instead of swiping and moving on, hanging and chilling out, ask someone out on a date. Call it a date. Really take the time to get to know your date. Then see if your experience with “dating” changes.

There’s no doubt that Tinder has changed online dating. Instead of checking profiles on our laptops in the privacy of our homes, Tinder has turned swiping and judging potential dates into a game that people share openly. In fact, it’s become an addiction for some. Even when they meet a date they like, that they want to keep swiping and seeing who else is out there.

In fact, having so many choices has turned us into dating “robots,” according to one essay in The New Inquiry. That is, on Tinder, people mindlessly swipe. Perhaps they message a few people, or arrange to go out on a few dates, but the intention when using Tinder is not to focus on building a relationship, but on swiping. In fact, they argue that being on Tinder is promoting the idea of being “chill” and conveying to your dates that you have no expectations with a date leading to anything (even if you do).

In fact, being “chill” is such a prominent part of dating app culture, that people have essentially taught themselves that their feelings should be removed from the equation, in order to be open to even more opportunities. More is better, right? Online daters have become “emotionally disassociated,” as the authors of “Tinderization of Feeling” argue, simply because it’s so emotionally draining to look at so many photos, have so many options – because what happens if you make the wrong choice? What happens if you emotionally invest in a date only to have them reject you?

Today, rejection seems almost intolerable, though rejection historically has been a natural part of dating. But if you make the date feel more casual – i.e. a “hang” or just meeting someone for 20 minutes before you start swiping again – there's no real rejection. You will always be looking for the next, better option, instead of having regret over not dating someone. Because….what if there’s someone better?

The authors of The New Inquiry article argue the problem all comes down to having too many choices. They say: “Living with a sense of overwhelming choice means exerting an insane amount of emotional energy in making the most banal decisions.” People can barely make a decision about what to watch on Netflix, there are so many options…it’s no different with dating. So with Tinder, the swiping becomes a game, because we don’t leave any room for more complexity and the intricacies involved with getting to know someone and developing true feeling for them – we don’t know how to deal with a potential date beyond the yes/no initial factor.

So, swipe, message, meet, maybe sleep with, then move on becomes the norm.

But you can choose differently. You can have control over how you want to date by taking more time and getting to know your dates. By rejecting the yes/no one-second response time of Tinder in favor of a more considered approach. What if you took your time, and invested emotionally in the potential of one of your dates? What if you took a risk?

Love doesn't just happen without effort, without risk. If you want to keep swiping and dating, you'll probably end up in a series of unfulfilling, emotionless flings. But if you put yourself out there? The rewards and risks are much greater. But isn't that the point of love?

There is a better and more effective way to date. You just have to be willing to get past all the swiping and figure it out in person, on a real date. You have to be willing to risk rejection - real rejection - as well as love.

For more about this dating app, please read our review of Tinder.

Dating is a peculiar thing. Most of us hate doing it, because it feels like a waste of time when you go through the motions and still don’t meet anyone worth pursuing. It might feel pointless to join online dating sites or download apps, spend time messaging, and then when you meet potential dates, realize the match isn’t right less than ten minutes into your drinks.

But here’s the thing: dating is the process by which you get to the actual relationship. There’s just no other way.

Of course not everyone is going to be a good match, compatible, or even someone you find attractive. But this doesn’t mean you quit the process and then hope love stumbles on to your doorstep.

In fact, the opposite is true. The more time you put into dating, the more likely you are to develop a relationship. And I don’t just mean because you will be meeting a lot of people, but because you will be taking time out of your schedule to make finding a relationship a priority.

When you invest your time and effort into something, it might not yield results right away, but it creates an environment for success to happen. Take for instance, another type of life goal you have. Say you want to lose twenty pounds. Do you wait around, thinking that eventually you will lose this twenty pounds because fate will step in and help? Or do you join a gym, or a running group, or start an exercise regime?

You won’t yield results right away. As with any goal worth achieving, it will take time, effort, and some determination on your part. It won’t be easy.

It’s the same thing with work – you can’t expect a promotion without putting the time and effort into your job. When you focus your intentions on what you want, and you make time for it in your life, then you see real progress. Even if you don’t get that coveted promotion, you’ve gained skills that you can take to another, higher-paying or more prestigious job – because you have put in the time and effort. It’s never wasted.

Dating is the same. If you put in the time and effort, you will start to see results. But this means challenging yourself – going on more dates, giving more people a chance who you wouldn’t normally consider, thinking outside of your comfort zone. You have to stretch yourself to see what you are capable of.

As I say in my book Date Expectations, dating is a process to get to really know yourself and what you want. But you have to make the time for it.

We’ve all heard (or seen via Instagram) the news about Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton dating. They met as co-workers on the set of reality TV show The Voice, and now, since they both split from their respective spouses, they have become a very public item.

But what does it mean to work alongside the person you’re romantically involved with – do many people do it, or is it just something most people think about?

If you have been wondering (or considering your own workplace affair), Match.com has crunched the numbers for you to reveal a few facts on the subject. They surveyed thousands of singles in their latest “Singles in America” study, and revealed information on workplace dating.

Following are some interesting stats that Match found in regard to workplace dating:

• According to Match, one-third of singles have dated someone they work with, and more than half say a happy relationship is more important than their career.
• Of the 35% of people Match surveyed who have dated someone they work with (37% of males, 34% of females), 55% of them don’t even try to hide the romance – much like Gwen and Blake, who have been documenting it themselves via Instagram.
• An almost equal number of men and women (57% of males, 56% of females) say that a happy relationship is more important to them than their careers.
• The majority of people surveyed agree that flirting with a co-worker is totally fine (75% of men and 66% of women) - but do it after work. Forty-three percent of people surveyed said they prefer to flirt with colleagues after work rather than during the day at the office (39%). And a whopping majority of 92% said they would never flirt with their boss.
• Don’t put it in writing – only 14% of people said they have flirted with a colleague via email.
• Men are more likely to act on their feelings, regardless of the potential consequences. Forty-three percent of men vs. only 35% of women are inclined to flirt in the office. Fifity-seven percent of men vs. 29% of women fantasize about having sex with one of their co-workers, and 46% of men vs. 15% of women would consider having a one-night stand with someone they work closely with.
• Of the people surveyed who admitted to dating someone at work, 65% of them have had a one-night stand, 56% have had a friends with benefits relationship and 80% think about sex at least once a week.

As we kick off 2016, there's no denying online dating has gone mainstream. We're firing off Match.com messages while waiting in line for coffee, swiping through Tinder profiles on public transportation, and hoping we don't run into anyone from work on OkCupid.

But while online dating has become the go-to for millions of singles, it's not the only option available. Remember that thing called the real world? Yeah, it's still around too. And some people even prefer to date that way.

For the screen-shy, 2016 could be the year to ditch online dating for good (or at least a trial period). There's just one catch: you have to remember how to meet someone face-to-face. Here are 5 resolutions to make if you're burnt out on online dating and want to get back to basics.

1. Put the phone away. Part of this is about avoiding temptation. With your phone in hand, you'll be much more inclined to open Tinder for a sneaky swipe or two. This is also about openness. You don't look approachable when your face is glued to a screen. And without that source of entertainment, you're much more likely to look for entertainment elsewhere – like actually talking to people.
2. Leave the house. Online dating is awesome because it allows you to meet tons of new people from the comfort of your couch. Offline dating? Not so much. You'll score exactly 0 dates if you don't make an effort to turn off Netflix and get out of your PJs. The more you interact with people, the more likely you are to meet one who sparks your interest.
3. Know your audience. What does your ideal date like to do? You could go to a bar and hope for the best (and you'd hardly be the first person to meet their significant other that way), but there are better methods. Go to places – like clubs, meetups, events and group activities – that you're interested in to increase your chance of meeting people you're attracted to.
4. Say “yes.” When a friend invites you to something social, say yes. Say yes even if you're tired, or had a stressful day at work, or only have a few more episodes to binge watch before you finish the series. You never know who else said those magical three letters too.
5. Take risks. Online dating is all about lowering risk. It's hard to feel the full sting of rejection when it's coming from behind a screen. In real life, you have face a potential “no” head-on. Be bold. Talk to the good-looking person at the end of the bar, or pass your number to the neighboring table at a cafe. Bravery is the best way to secure yourself a date in 2016.