Advice

When people sit down to construct an online profile, they’re often hung up by two little words: self-summary. How do you condense a person into a few paragraphs? How do you condense yourself, when you know yourself best of all? What’s white noise, and what makes you “you”? It’s a daunting task for even the most self-assured, and nine times out of ten we wind up with a dry resume about our jobs, our location, and our Friday nights spent watching TV - even if none of those things are actually important to us.

So how can we go about livening up a profile, making it better reflect who we are? Well, there’s definitely more than one approach - there’s nothing that says you have to conform to a one-size-fits-all format when it comes to an online profile.

Let’s say you’re a creative person who writes well. Why not think of fiction as you write your profile? Oh sure, keep it honest, but insert a little fun and imagination. Maybe instead of your 9-to-5 job you’ve got a daily battle avoiding zombies and vampires (metaphorically, of course). The trick here is to add whimsy, but not so much that you seem like you’re literally living in a fantasy world. If you can pull it off, you’ll come up with a profile that sticks in someone’s mind - who else has zombies and vampires?

If fiction isn’t your forte, go honest and conversational. Instead of thinking of your profile as a resume, think of it as the first letter you write to a pen-pal, or a friend. Ask questions, include anecdotes. By making the profile a little more personal, the reader will feel as though you’re speaking right to them, and that you’re acquainted already.

Perhaps you feel these styles are a little advanced, but you’d like to liven up your profile just the same. Well, as you sit down to write, remember that what makes you “you” doesn’t have to be defined by your job or even your hobbies. Maybe you’re the only person you know who likes to take your shoes off and walk in the rain. Maybe you make it a point to hit every tourist trap you can on road trips and buy a magnet. Include the little details, the reasons your friends and family love you.

Your profile can be entertaining and even fun to read; it doesn’t have to be a dry resume. However you decide to spice it up, remember to edit as well - that it hangs together, that spell-check didn’t auto-correct something embarrassing. It might not win a literary prize - but it could catch the eye of someone interesting. That’s not a shabby reward either!

After researching why people fall in love with one person rather than another, Dr. Helen Fisher and her colleagues, Arthur Aron and Lucy Brown, determined that every man and woman is a combination of four personality types, each driven by a specific hormone or neurotransmitter:

1. Explorers (dopamine)
2. Builders (serotonin)
3. Directors (testosterone)
4. Negotiators (estrogen)

We've already discussed the primary characteristics of each personality type, but that's only a piece of the puzzle. Each personality type is primarily attracted to partners who fall into a specific category, and the personality types also determine how two people are likely to act in a relationship with each other. Let's take a closer look at how each personality type may affect who and how you love:

Explorers: Explorers are generally attracted to other Explorers, a case in which opposites do not attract. "The Explorer/Explorer match is generally strong," explains Telling It Like It Is, "because Explorers love adventure and want an partner to share their spontaneity." An Explorer seeks someone who shares their optimism, natural curiosity, and occasional impulsivity. The downside to an Explorer/Explorer relationship is that people who fall into this category are not particularly introspective, which means that the relationship may lack depth and the partners may avoid having the difficult, but critical, conversations that are necessary to any serious, long-term relationship. Explorers may also find themselves in sticky situations when their adventure-seeking and impulsivity go too far.

Builders: Like Explorers, Builders are typically attracted to other Builders. Serotonin-driven Builders seek order and stability, making them the personality type most likely to marry and least likely to divorce. A relationship of Builders is strong, as both partners are motivated to bring people together and work hard to maintain the connections they establish. Builder partners will most likely make "sensible decisions about money, family and feelings together and value security above almost everything."

Directors & Negotiators: Where Directors and Negotiators are concerned, opposites do attract. These personality types are different but complimentary in many ways. Negotiators see the big picture, while Directors focus on smaller details. Negotiators have a knack for seeing all angles in a situation, but often fail to take action. Directors, on the other hand, are decisive but often act without fully analyzing all available information. Directors and Negotiators are also highly compatible socially, as Negotiators are skilled at "smoothing over Directors' inappropriate comment," while Directors "admire the diplomatic nature of Negotiators."

What does Fisher have to say about her research? We'll find out next time.

Dr. Helen Fisher helped develop a popular dating site's matching system. To find out more about this dating service you can read our Chemistry review.

In today’s modern age, digital images are more easily available than ever before. Point-and-shoot cameras are increasingly cheaper; the cameras included on phones are of much better quality than they used to be. Even many laptops and desktop computers have webcams, again of better quality than they used to be, included. Yet, there’s still a staggering number of people on online dating sites who put little to no thought into selecting their default picture.

Granted, you don’t need to go to a professional photographer and have an artsy shoot to go along with your brand-new profile; most people have something acceptable floating around on their computer or on the internet already. However, not all of them choose the acceptable picture. Perhaps due to insecurity, passive-aggressive anger at having to provide a picture, or maybe just laziness, there are pictures on profiles out there that look like they’ve been taken underwater (when they haven’t). There are even some that are flipped sideways, or upside-down.

Having a default picture that is such bad quality it’s comical will lose you far more interest than it will gain. Hardly anyone likes the task of finding a flattering, clear default picture, but a picture that doesn’t make you feel like you need your eyes checked will earn you more viewers, even if it’s less flattering than some. At the bare minimum, your default picture should be at least as good quality as your picture ID - and hopefully more flattering.

So what can you do to get the best possible picture? First, don’t rely on the increased quality of your phone or webcam. Learn how to make your pictures the best you can - how your phone or camera responds to light or motion. It would be a shame to miss out on a great shot because of inexperience.

Next, don’t just take a few pictures and run with what you have if you’re not happy with it. So maybe you turn on the webcam and grimace at how you look today - that’s fine. Come back tomorrow, or when you’re in a better mood. Have something funny on TV in the background - whether we’re serious or smiling, our eyes reflect our mood, and we tend to look better when we’re feeling lighter.

Finally, don’t be afraid to scour the social networking photo galleries of your friends and family. They might have a great candid shot of you that you don’t know about, or never thought to crop and bring the focus to yourself.

Your photo doesn’t have to be a work of art, but it should at least be recognizably you! Don’t hide behind a poor photo; the confidence to be yourself - and show it - will take you much further than a picture that blurs the real you.

A relationship is a balancing act between two individuals, two unique personalities. However, when we talk about people who are in the “wrong” kind of relationships - those that are literally bad for them - our reasoning is very self-oriented: low self-esteem, for example, or deep-seated issues from childhood. It begs the question: could the biggest “trick” to finding the right person be to actually focus on yourself?

Well, yes and no. No one’s perfect, and it’s entirely possible that one could have habits or patterns of behavior that are, in some small way, destructive. However, that doesn’t always mean that they’re literally keeping you from finding the right person, or keeping you from being happy in a relationship. The human mind is an amazing thing, and we perform amazing balancing acts on a regular basis. Even if you do have something you might want to work on, it’s entirely possible that your brain compensates for it the majority of the time.

However, there’s nothing wrong with a little self-awareness and reflection, or even outside professional help. Because the brain is so amazing and complicated, sometimes it takes a third-person perspective to make connections between apparently unrelated things. And even if there’s not anything directly affecting your love life negatively, it’s never a bad thing to get your priorities in order and better understand who you are and what you need.

Of course, once we’ve gotten our self-esteem raised and our issues worked out, we always come back to the basic truth of a relationship: that it’s between two people, with two personalities, two distinct histories. Self-reflection doesn’t necessarily help you relate to other people - or does it? Understanding how you cope and react to stress might give you insight into how others behave. If your own hang-ups are out of the way you can better focus on the big picture. If your self-esteem is intact you won’t put up with unacceptable behavior.

It’s easy to feel helpless in the world of dating; you’re dependent, waiting for someone else to come along, or to email you back, to share that spark. But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do in the meantime. As any negative relationship will show you, the destiny of a relationship often starts with the self - so why not set yourself on a positive path?

Dr. Helen Fisher - biological anthropologist, Research Professor in the Department of Anthropology at Rutgers University, and adviser for Chemistry.com - has become something of a fixture in my posts, thanks to her ground breaking research on love, relationships, and attraction.

In her most recent book, Why Him? Why Her?: How to Find and Keep Lasting Love, Fisher outlines the four personality types that she believes are the key to determining who you are likely to be compatible with, as well as how to find, attract, and keep them. Fisher conducted her research on Chemistry.com, where her questionnaire forms the basis of the site's matching system and has now been taken by over 7 million people.

After an initial study of 28,128 subjects, Fisher concluded that men and women are a combination of four personality types, each of which is associated with a specific neurotransmitter or hormone:

1. The Explorer (dopamine)
2. The Builder (serotonin)
3. The Director (testosterone)
4. The Negotiator (estrogen)

Explorers are adventurous, creative, and unafraid to take risks. They are driven by dopamine, which manifests as the desire for excitement, spontaneity, and novelty. Good examples of Explorers, Fisher told ABC News, are John F. Kennedy, Ernest Hemingway, and Angelina Jolie.

Builders, in contrast to the more free-spirited Explorers, are cautious, conventional, and feel at home in managerial roles. The soothing influence of serotonin makes them calm, sociable, and organized. Colin Powell, says Fisher, is a typical example of a Builder.

Directors are driven by testosterone, making them aggressive, logical, and analytical. They tend to be focused and tough, but can sometimes carry these traits too far and become single-minded and stubborn. Bill Gates, tough-minded and decisive, is an example of a Director according to Fisher.

Negotiators demonstrate many characteristics that are traditionally considered feminine, because they are primarily influenced by estrogen. They are verbally communicative, compassionate, and imaginative. They also show signs of empathy and idealism, and tend to think of the big-picture rather than smaller details. Fisher considers Bill Clinton a classic embodiment of the Negotiator personality type.

To determine your personality type, Fisher's test can be taken for free on Chemistry.com. Once you have determined which category you fall into, it's time to figure out who you're most compatible with and what your personality types say about the kind of relationship you're likely to have. We'll look at that, and more of Fisher's research, next time.

In general, online dating isn’t much different from the rest of the dating universe. You still have the same nerves; rejection still stings. You still begin with not much more than a “hello” and see how things progress from there. There’s always impatience and overanalyzing.

However, there is one key difference: when you approach someone in person, you’re tailoring their first impression in real time. With online dating, you get the benefit of a carefully constructed, pre-edited profile that shows you at your best, but you’re forced to take a one-size-fits-all approach.

For example: maybe you’re someone who likes going to comic conventions. If you’re talking to someone who’s obviously a comic fan, you can play up that aspect of your interests. On the other hand, if you’re not sure about their comic allegiance or you already know you have something else in common, like a passion for golf, you can focus on that instead.

In your online profile, you’d like to appeal to people from both sides of the interest spectrum. At the same time, you don’t want to appear like you’re hedging your bets and covering all the bases, saying cliche things like, “I like to be outdoors... or stay in. I like to dress up... or be comfortable in jeans.” What to do?

First, be honest. Don’t worry about appealing to all demographics everywhere; you’re trying to find someone compatible to you, remember, not to the world’s most generic person. If you consistently find you’re not attracting the type of people you’d like, maybe you need to emphasize some bits, or de-emphasize others.

If you find your golf people just don’t seem interested in someone who also likes comics and vice-versa, maybe it’s time to diversify your profiles. Try creating one profile at a niche site about comics, for example, and have another one for the people who share a passion for golf. If one strategy isn’t working, there’s nothing wrong with trying out a few others.

At no point are we talking about hiding who you are; we’re talking about fine-tuning your opening conversation. Everyone has a wide and diverse range of interests, but when we meet someone we tend to narrow them down to the few we likely have in common; depth comes later. There’s no one method for finding a compatible match; why not experiment with what works for you?