Advice

People like to say that “relationships are work.” And, in some respects, they are. Communication, for example, is a skill that needs to be developed and occasionally requires maintenance. Also, you tend to think about not only your own happiness, but the happiness of someone else; thus, you’re expending twice the mental effort. But some aspects of a relationship should not be difficult; these should be the easy parts. Below are just a few.

First and foremost, you should not have to work to be attracted to your partner, especially at the beginning of your relationship. This doesn’t mean they have to be drop-dead gorgeous, or that you should have lust at first sight; however, you should have chemistry. If you have to talk yourself into your first goodnight kiss, you’re already putting too much effort in.

Secondly, they shouldn’t be already attached to someone else. Yes, there are exceptions to every rule, but by and large if you spend all your energy pursuing someone who’s already in a relationship, you’re setting yourself up for pain. Additionally, if you’re looking to make your potential partner choose between you and another, you’re probably more likely to get a response by walking away from the situation than allowing yourself to be the “other person.” It’s a painful, exhausting way to begin a relationship - and the beginning of the relationship should be the part that’s exciting and easy.

Finally, merging two schedules and two lives can be difficult and full of compromise; however, it shouldn’t be hard to find the motivation to make it work. Some people become so set in their ways that they dislike the slightest disruption; well, thinking of two instead of one is definitely a disruption, but often a welcome one. You might need to shift around your schedule to manage hobbies and dates, work and time together; it can be a pain, but there are certainly worse problems to have. Someone who doesn’t want to put in the effort at all might not be emotionally ready for a relationship.

There are aspects of relationships that need vigilance; however, the majority of it isn’t complicated at all. It’s true, however, that we aren’t really taught or prepared about being in a successful relationship; we have to find our own way. So make it easier on yourself - don’t let yourself get in a relationship that’s difficult from the beginning.

Past relationships can affect our current dating lives, no matter how long ago the break-up took place. This is especially true if our partners were cheating, or somehow betrayed us. The big question is, how do you move on to love and trust someone else?

This can be a tough road, but in order to fall in love again, you have to be willing to be vulnerable. With vulnerability comes trust. There are no short cuts. What you can do to speed the process of healing along is to take stock in what went wrong in a past relationship, so you can acknowledge and move past it. As soon as you reclaim your emotions and refuse to be a victim of past relationships and destructive patterns, you can assume a place of power and control over your life and circumstances. And find a happy, trusting relationship.

Following are some ideas to assess and help you move on:

Acknowledge what you learned from the experience. In every relationship, our partner teaches us something about ourselves, even if they cheated. Ask yourself what your break-up revealed rather than focusing on blame. What would you do differently in your next relationship?

Identify your fear and confront it. While it's easy to assume all men or women are cheaters after we've experienced such hurt, this is not the case. Be open to the fact that love and trust do exist, and will be part of your life again. You are in control of your actions and decisions going into your next relationship. Don't let fear limit or control you.

Let go of anger and blame. This is admittedly the toughest. When we're wronged, we want the perpetrator to suffer as we are suffering. But the reality isn't so neatly balanced. The more we stay in a mindset of "how could she do this to me?" the more we are only hurting ourselves in the process and delaying healing. Instead, take a step back from your anger and ask yourself what you would do differently in your next relationship. Focus on moving forward and what you've learned.

Reign in the jealousy. If you are in a new relationship and feel like you can't trust your boyfriend or girlfriend because of the past, take a step back. Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt unless he or she is giving you good reason to be suspicious. If you have a pattern of dating cheaters, ask yourself what the common red flags you might have ignored are, and why you're attracted in the first place. If this happened once and you're afraid of it happening again, don't cause unnecessary pain and anger by assuming the worst. Be open to finding love again.

One of the most common fears about online dating remains being scammed. Most media probably only serves to perpetuate that fear; it seems there’s always some new story about an innocent who meets someone on an online dating site who wasn’t what they seemed.

The fact is, innocent people do get scammed from time to time, in all areas of life. You could be taken advantage of by the contractor who works on your house, or by the “teens” going door-to-door for a “fundraiser.” Not everyone we encounter has only pure intentions.

“But wait!” you may be thinking. “If I see someone in person, I can judge them more accurately, and use my gut instincts. The internet is scarier because you can’t see the person on the other end.”

Fair enough. If you’re not sure if online dating is safe enough for you, here are some questions to consider: Do you ever buy anything online? Do you put your current location or activities out on any social networking sites? Are your blogs or social networking sites open to the public? Have you ever exchanged contact information with someone you’ve just met in real life, whether it’s a new acquaintance with a mutual interest or someone you’re romantically interested in?

If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, you’re already engaging in more “dangerous” behavior than online dating - the only difference is popular perception.

So, how do you stay safe when you take the plunge and join an online dating site?

First, be reasonable about your personal details. Don’t spell out exactly where you work or live if you can help it. Share that information when you feel more comfortable and have met in person. Never give any financial information out, like your credit card number, no matter how convincing the tale. Use your gut - yes, it will still work even over the internet. And when you meet in person, use all the usual safety precautions - a public place, all information given to a friend or family member, and anything else that may make you feel safer.

But remember: you know how to take care of yourself. You navigate the waters of life every day, and probably identify and avoid the sharks without even thinking about it. Why should online dating be any different? Use your brain, and your instincts, and you’ll be fine.

Dating is often confusing. When you are attracted to someone who seems interested at first but then pulls away for no apparent reason, it can be maddening. You wonder: Did I say something wrong? Did I do something offensive?

And other times, a date can act flirtatious one minute and then cool the next, and you're left wondering how they really feel about you.

When your date is giving you mixed signals, what does s/he really want, and how can you know? Should you pursue or move on? Following are some tips for determining what's really going on.

For men:

My first suggestion is, a woman sending mixed messages might have been interested in you, but then you said or did something that turned her off. So be honest with yourself: did you come on too strong? Did you treat her disrespectfully? Did you make fun of her, or criticize her appearance? On many occasions, men think they are being charming or funny but women can take comments or gestures the wrong way. So pay attention. And don't try to provoke her if she rejects you or turns cool toward you. Instead of trying to be playful and flirtatious, just walk away. If she's still interested, she'll let you know.

Or, she could be playing hard to get. As much as I hate to admit it, "The Rules" are still followed in today's dating world. Many women feel that if they act distant or uninterested in a man, it will cause him to want to pursue her even more. Unfortunately, I think this only sends more confusing messages to daters. My advice: be honest with her if you're really interested. If she continues to keep her distance or acts cool, then let her go. If she really wants to pursue a relationship with you, she will call back.

For women:

When men send mixed messages, it likely means they aren't interested in anything serious. If a man thinks you're moving forward too quickly or asking for a commitment when he doesn't want one, this can cause a breakdown of communication. A man can disappear and reappear if he feels like he's being suffocated. So give the relationship a little time and space to develop naturally. If you have been going out for a while and he still doesn't know what he wants, then maybe it's time to move on to someone who does.

Another possibility is that he could be playing games. Some dating books advise men to play "hard to get" because women are attracted to men who are mysterious and confident. Or perhaps some men have found that this behavior was successful in past relationships. Regardless, you have to ask yourself if it's worth putting up with the emotional roller coaster ride to go out with this kind of man. In my opinion, save your emotions for someone who's willing to be more honest in his approach.

When I ask my friends to tell me about their dating dealbreakers, I get a range of responses. Anna will only date fellow vegetarians. Jack refuses to date women who do not share his political affiliation. Jenna won't date smokers, Michael will only date people who want children, and Jess has a strong aversion to men with beards. Dealbreakers are as diverse as those who use them to separate partners with potential from dates that are doomed to be disasters.

One dealbreaker, however, is on almost every list: clinginess.

Few things kill attraction faster than a needy partner, so before you pick up your phone to check in with your sweetie for the 5th time in the last three hours, hit the pause button and ask yourself: Am I a clingy date? Here are 5 signs you're guilty of this top turnoff:

1. You've adopted all of your partner's interests. Being curious about your partner's hobbies and pastimes is normal. It's natural and healthy to want to learn more about each other, and in the process you'll likely discover some new interests and a few other things that you're definitely not interested in pursuing. Taken too far, however, this kind of curiosity becomes obsession. If you catch yourself doing things that you dislike or find boring, just so that you can spend more time with your date, it's time to take a few steps back from the relationship.

2. You communicate constantly. Good communication is an asset to every relationship, but don't make the mistake of confusing "communicating well" with "communicating continuously." Over-communication is a clear sign of relationship-ruining clinginess. In an age in which communication is easy and practically instantaneous - email, instant messages, texting - it can be tempting to be in constant contact with a partner, but resist the urge to check in every 10 minutes.

3. You invade your partner's privacy. People in a relationship share many things with each other, but they are not obligated to share everything. Ask questions about your date's life, but don't bombard them with so many queries that they suddenly feel like they're being cross-examined in court, and never cross the boundaries of reading their text messages or hacking into their email account.

4. You do not take time to lead your own life, or give your partner space. Every couple - no matter how much they're in love or how long they've been together - needs to take time apart. Give your partner space to be alone, to see family and other friends, to pursue separate interests, and to grow. Give yourself the same thing.

5. You let fears and worries get the better of you. If you find yourself worrying constantly that your partner is being unfaithful or is thinking about dumping you, you've entered full-blown clinger territory. A relationship can only last when it's based on respect and trust.

If these clingy behaviors have worked their way into your relationship, consider the reason. Is something wrong with the relationship itself, or is it an internal issue that you need to deal with? Once you've identified the source of your clinginess, you can work to eliminate it.

Online dating can be frustrating, for one simple reason: there’s no possible way you can totally control the situation. Nor should you, really; after all, you’re trying to find a new friend, not purchase a ready-made significant other. Still, waiting for a compatible person to respond with interest can range from irritating to unbearable.

Generally, friends, family and experts might counsel patience at this point. “Patience is a virtue,” they might say. And while that’s true, it’s not very practical advice. Yes, you should be patient in the broad, general sense. But in the short-term, practical sense, it might be a good idea to get away from the computer screen and do something else.

Ever hear the old saying, “A watched pot never boils”? It’s not entirely true - a watched pot will boil eventually, but you’ll be feeling a heck of a lot more bored and annoyed than if you had simply walked away and done a bit of a crossword puzzle. Waiting for anything - your turn in line, the power to come back on after a storm, the winter holidays - becomes more pleasant and easy if you’re distracted. The same applies to dating; why tear yourself up while you wait on the unknown?

Methods of distraction can vary, depending on the situation. Short-term waiting can actually be more difficult - when you’re waiting for a response to a first-contact email, for example, and you can’t seem to stop checking your inbox. In those instances, any tried-and-true method of distraction works - go see a movie, hang out with friends, go to sleep for the night. And try to diversify your interests - sending emails to more than one person at a time can take a bit of the sting out of an individual rejection.

But what about waiting in the long-term sense, in that you’re “waiting to find the right person”? It might not be as unbearable on a day-to-day basis, but it can wear on someone over time. Distraction can help here, as well, but it’s not about short-term meaningless actions, it’s about living a fulfilling life. Once you’ve ensured that your profile is edited and you send several first-contact emails out a week, tell yourself that you’ve done everything you can from your end for now, and move on to another activity. Your life is not dependent on the presence of a significant other; thus, why wait to have fun, hobbies, or a social life until you find the right person? And to quote another old phrase, “time flies when you’re having fun.” Suddenly the quest to find a significant other is just another milestone to reach, instead of something to hinge your happiness upon.

Perhaps “patience” is not a virtue, but a skill - the art of relinquishing control without torturing yourself. If you find yourself obsessively checking your email or your profile, remember: step away from the screen, and find a distraction, big or small.