Communication

I often hear complaints from both sexes about online dating. Guys think that they have the harder time, because they have to pursue. A lot. Most of them assume women get too many emails and therefore never respond.

Women on the other hand, feel that they have it tougher. They think the guys send sexually aggressive emails, hoping to just see who’s down to hook up rather than go on an actual date. Most of the other guys are either mass-emailing women, or they just don’t know what to talk about and don’t even bother to engage with women outside of the standard phrase: “how was your day?”

Together, it makes online dating tough for both sexes.

I don’t think it’s a competition for who has it worst. I think that there is a lot of room for improvement on both sides. Instead of spending more time complaining about the opposite sex and their online dating strategies, try thinking about what you do personally – what do you say in your profile? What is it that you are actually looking for? How are you coming across to strangers?

When you focus on what you can control in online dating – you and your profile – then you can begin to make some changes and see what works and what doesn’t instead of just complaining. Here are some suggestions if you’re having trouble thinking of what to say in a first email, or if you’re not having much luck:

Guys:

Read her profile. Chances are, if she’s online dating she’s left you a lot of valuable information about what she likes in her profile. Start from there – send an email specifically about something in her profile so she sees that you read it, that your email is a bit more personal. It makes a good impression.

Put some time into it. Don’t just mass-email 100 women because you think only 5% will respond. That’s because they know you’ve just sent a mass email! Instead, pick the women you find most attractive and send them a personal message. It’s not about writing a novel, it’s about being less generic in your approach.

Ladies:

Answer more emails. Instead of just writing guys off (unless they are being inappropriate), try responding to more emails. Agree to meet more guys for coffee. There’s nothing wrong with deciding later whether you want to pursue him or not. Don’t discount him until you get to know him.

Be polite. There’s no need to write a nasty response or let your emails go unanswered if you feel he’s not exactly right. It’s very easy to say a quick “thanks, but no thanks.” After all, he took the time to write. So if he’s polite, he deserves a little respect in return.

The dating service Coffee Meets Bagel was built on three simple principles:

1. Your friends are the best conduits for your dates.
2. Meeting quality people doesn't have to be complicated or awkward.
3. Unless you choose to share it, your dating life should be private.

Instead of offering the overwhelming number of potential matches that most dating services do, Coffee Meets Bagel sets itself apart by highlighting only one person each day. You can either "like" or "ignore" the profile, and if both parties indicate interest in each other, they're directed to a private phone line (courtesy of Twilio) where they can text message for a seven-day period. If all goes well and they choose to meet up in person, CMB offers a discount at a local restaurant or café.

The idea is a solid one, but Coffee Meets Bagel has not yet managed to achieve the mass appeal of its biggest competitor in the mobile dating sphere: Tinder. Still, CMB has received $2.8 million in funding and recently launched its largest app update yet.

The big news in CMB-land is a new IM system within the Coffee Meets Bagel app. Like before, the IM feature has a seven-day expiration date, but now users can chat immediately without having to switch back and forth between apps.

Instant messaging is hardly a revelation in the world of online dating – in fact, it's downright standard – but CMB has found a somewhat unique approach to implementing it. With in-app messaging, Coffee Meets Bagel now has far more control over its users’ experiences, and many more opportunities to learn about their users by studying behavior data.

CMB is a “quality over quantity” dating experience. The focus is on making meaningful connections between users, not on connecting as many users as possible. On top of that, users are never introduced to random strangers, but rather to Facebook friends of friends. The company has found that members who exchange text messages within the first 24 hours are more likely to exchange their real phone numbers later on. They also, on average, chat at 2.6x the volume of those who didn't swap texts within the first day.

That unique approach to mobile dating, plus the new IM system, may be what Coffee Meets Bagel needs to take things to the next level. But founder Dawoon Kang says that stigma is still the greatest challenge faced by dating services:

“What we observe is that a lot of people hesitate because they don’t want to feel like they are ‘actively’ trying to meet someone. Making people understand that a dating app is just another channel of meeting someone has been a challenge.”

If you’ve tried out Tinder (or any dating service, for that matter) you’ve probably run across your fair share of bizarre conversations. It's a strange world out there. Sometimes the weirdness borders on amusing, but all too often it's annoying or downright creepy.

Thankfully, the Internet makes it easy to disengage from the creeps. It takes no effort whatsoever to ignore a message and hardly anything extra to block or report a user. But where's the fun in that? Why take the high road when you could take the low road, where all the fun is?

Anna Gensler, a 23-year-old artist, has a much more interesting way of dealing with the deadbeats of online dating. She began drawing nude portraits of the creeps who contacted her via Tinder, and posting the results to Instagram (NSFW, of course) alongside their offensive messages. And then, for the cherry on top, she sends the finished product back to the culprit for a final review.

Slate spoke with Gensler about her unique approach to turning harassment into art. “I feel like this gets me in trouble a lot,” she said of her inspiration for the project, “but when someone does something I think is rude, I always want to give them a taste of their own medicine. I’m an artist, and I try to use art as my weapon, even though that sounds so lame. So I thought, ‘What is something I can do to make me feel the way that they’re making me feel?’”

She settled on drawing them “sad-naked,” the most immature thing she could think of, because “their pickup lines are the most juvenile, basic things, but also still oddly offensive.” Each of her portraits is based on the guys' profile pictures, but modified to be as unflattering as possible. The subjects are all made chubbier, scrawnier, or just not particularly well-endowed.

Not satisfied with taking on the creeps of Tinder, Gensler joined OkCupid in hopes of finding new subjects worthy of her artistic intentions. She even put a blatant warning on her profile – “I’m going to draw you naked if you send me rude messages” – and a link back to the Instagram. Whether or not it deterred potential creeps is unknown, but it did intrigue a surprising number of nice guys who found the project funny and requested a portrait of their own.

And what about the guys who receive Gensler’s works of art? “There are a few approaches,” she explained. “Some of them get really angry and say a bunch of mean stuff. Some of them get a little bit offended ‘and say, “Why am I so fat? My facial hair doesn’t really look like that. My nipples are smaller than that!’ They think I didn’t do them justice. Some people just block me. But a couple of guys have actually said smart things after I sent it to them.”

Do you have an iPhone or Android phone? Chances are, you didn’t purchase one or the other by chance: you had a definite preference.

Are You Interested, a dating app for singles, decided to test out its own user base and how their dating preferences correlated to the type of phone they used. We know that things like ethnicity, income, and height play a major role in how much success a dater has online. But could your phone have an influence too, considering how much time, money and effort we put into them? In some cases, yes.

AYI found that iOS users were contacted 17% more often than Android users. Turns out, those who prefer Apple products are more desirable dates. I looked into Cupidtino, the dating site dedicated to lovers of all products Apple, to see some profiles of the most desirable users, but found that it is now defunct. I guess more options are better, even for those dedicated to Apple lovers.

Android users seem to be the ones doing the pursuing, while Apple users tend to wait to be contacted. According to the study, Android users were 12% more likely than iOS users to contact someone on AYI.

The dating app company was able to examine 20 million interactions between their users, pulling from a portion of the 2.4 million mobile downloads of the app. Since other online daters can’t see what phone the other person has, AYI looked at what type of dater owned which type of phone. Interestingly, both groups skewed male, but Android users tend to be slightly older, with 42% between 45 and 60 compared to only 29% of iPhone users. Sixty-seven percent of iPhone users were under 45.

In addition, income seems to be a factor. Android users were 30% more likely to make under $60,000 than those with iPhones. Also, 83% of singles making over $150,000 owned an iOS device.

Marital status is another factor, with Android users being 20% more likely than iOS users to be divorced. Another interesting finding from the study: iOS users tend to drink 50% more often and take drugs twice as often as the Android users. On the flip side, they were also 18% more likely to work out every day compared to Android users.

In terms of education, iOS users were twice as likely to have a Master’s degree and 55% more likely to have a Bachelor’s degree. A whopping 72% of Android users had not completed college.

AYI studied profile information from 13,690 of its mobile app users in the United States for the study. For more information on this dating site please read our review of Are You Interested.

Professional online dating assistance has been around almost as long as online dating. For a fee, you can have someone write or “spruce up” your profile, craft email messages, or help you get more responses for your outreach efforts.

Now, a company called Personal Dating Assistants is taking this business to a whole new level. Men are hiring professional PUAs (pick-up artists) like the team at PDA to help write their online dating profiles and email messages. So if you’re a woman on sites like OkCupid or dating apps like Tinder, that cute guy might not be as clever as you think. A professional could have written that flirtatious email from your online match to help him get laid.

Personal Dating Assistants has been making headlines around the web for offering this new service, but I’m sure they aren’t the only ones marketing PUA business. The PDA team helps daters choose photos, ghostwrite messages, and even scout for attractive women, depending on their physical preferences (i.e. blondes or brunettes?).

The company website explains it like this: “Dating online for men is more than just a numbers game. Locating, and attracting beautiful women is also a fiercely competitive sport, and requires a significant time commitment if you want real results. To win dates regularly, a typical approach isn’t gonna cut it.  For that, you need an industrial strength solution."

This is where PDA comes in, promising to “play the online dating game.” They offer to spruce up your profile and converse with matches (“a la Cyrano de Bergerac”) until the object of your affection discloses her contact information.

The service boasts a high response rate for their creative efforts, but it’s not cheap. Packages range from $380 per month (“Weekend Casanova”) to $1520 per month (“International Playboy”). The company backs its efforts by stating on the site: "After our pimping process, you will be amongst the top tier of men online for response rate %, standing out amid the crowds of commoners.”

The appeal to men is tempting, if for no other reason than they are tired of sending out a disproportionate number of emails to women on online dating sites. This could save them a lot of time and trouble. On the other hand, women aren’t really getting a fair deal. After all, they might think they’re chatting with a charming, likeable and creative guy, but then what happens when they meet in person? And will this be yet another hurdle for women to jump in the online dating game, discerning who is real and who might just be using a PUA service to lure them in?

Dating takes time and requires effort. Cheating the system won’t work in the long run, so guys – I suggest saving your money and using it for your dates.

eHarmony recently launched a new service called eH+, which provides professional matchmaking for those willing to pay a fee for more personalized service. Now, the company is introducing Ashley, the matchmaker behind the new service.

Before you start envisioning sessions with Patti Stanger and some TV-worthy drama, Ashley is much more focused on understanding her client’s perspectives. She finds out where they seem to be running into roadblocks in their love lives, and what might be holding them back. She works with them through one-on-one conversation, feedback, and a focus on finding a mutually beneficial relationship.

According to eHarmony, Ashley’s focus is to create a great connection with her clients so that she’s better able to help you find a long-term, lasting relationship. She’s earned Master’s degrees in Marital and Family Therapy and a Doctorate in Psychology, so she’s trained to work with people to help cultivate healthy relationships.

So what does all of this personal service cost? It’s not cheap at $5,000 per year. But if you really are focused on finding the right relationship and you don’t want to spend hours in front of your computer pouring over profiles and sorting through all of eHarmony’s guided communication, this might be for you.

In fact, with eH+ you don’t even need a computer. You can talk to Ashley via phone or Skype (or however you prefer). She also calls you when she finds a match for you. It’s a good option for busy professionals who are looking for a little more personalized service, like hand-picked matches and follow-ups after dates.

eH+ sounds similar to traditional matchmaking services that provide one-on-one support to their clients, but instead of relying on a smaller pool of people, eHarmony can pull from its vast database to find you quality matches. In essence, eHarmony’s matching system is still doing the technical work of sifting through thousands of profiles to find the right matches for you, and the professional matchmaker is providing an extra level of service to help you improve your dating skills and connect with the person who is the best match.

According to eHarmony founder Neil Clark Warren, eHarmony has now 762,000 paying members, up 50% from last year. They won’t disclose how many people have signed up for the eH+ service, but Warren claims there has been great response.

eHarmony has its sights set to the future, though – and they are moving beyond the dating world. The company’s next focus is matching people with the right job. “Sixty-five to seventy-five percent of people in US are not happy with their job,” according to Warren. “They can be if they match on both the cultural basis with the company they work for and on individual personality basis with the person to whom they report," he said.

A new kind of LinkedIn based on eHarmony matching? I’d be curious to check it out.

To find out more about this dating site you can read our review of eHarmony.