Dating

Like with online dating, Tinder seems to give females the advantage over males, at least in terms of your chances for getting a date.

Many guys complain that women have it better in the dating world because women can choose who they want to date, while guys are left saying "yes" to every woman's profile they view online or on an app like Tinder, just to improve their chances of meeting someone. (Women tend to be more picky, and say "no" to most men, probably because so many men just swipe right to everyone.) While online dating does seem skewed, apparently some tech geniuses have decided to make the odds work in the guys' favor.

Instead of manually going through all the matches Tinder sends his way, one techie decided that he could automate responses. According to website ValleyWag, former Microsoft developer Yuri de Souza details "how he reverse engineered Tinder to mass-like every girl on the network." He was sitting around one Sunday afternoon mindlessly swiping right on all of his female matches, hoping that one would swipe right back, when the idea struck him.

" [I] recalled my friend telling me how he would spend hours swiping right on Tinder just to accumulate as may matches as possible," de Souza told ValleyWag. "This had me thinking, why can't I reverse engineer Tinder and automate the swipes? After all, I'm pretty darn good at taking things apart!"

He was successful, and went to share his idea with other guys, only to find he wasn't the only one or even the first to try to game the system.

While it seems counter-intuitive to accept matches that you don't even see in the hopes of having more choice in who you want to date, this is the thinking behind guys looking to game the dating app system. (An article in New York Magazine last year naming the most successful online daters included a guy who admitted to saying "yes" to all women on Tinder to improve his chances, so this might have inspired a lot of guys to follow his lead.)

Other tech-savvy users have created shortcuts and automation to help them (and other guys) avoid the challenging task of looking through so many women's profiles. It turns out, people aren't even willing to spend the time to look at photos anymore, let alone read words in a profile.

What does this mean for dating? While it's understandable that guys are frustrated with their lack of choice (and womens' general avoidance of swiping right unless a man really intrigues her), is reverse-engineering the best way to meet a woman? Maybe apps like Tinder, fun and game-like as they are, are not the best avenue for many people. Instead of casting a large net and hoping to catch someone - anyone - why not try to focus on what you want? If you're putting it out there that you can't seem to meet a woman, then likely creating an automated way to say yes to everyone on Tinder isn't going to improve your game.

Maybe it's time to try another site or app that is more conducive to your search. Better yet, try something more old-fashioned. How about you approach a woman in person and ask her out? That will make you stand out from the Tinder crowd.

For more on this dating app please read our Tinder review.

Dating is a mystery, even for those who have been doing it for a while. Men and women misunderstand each other all the time when they are in relationships, so it’s only natural that communication problems would occur while you are just getting to know each other. Even before the first date!

Texting is a great tool to help us keep in touch, but it’s also created a whole new level of second-guessing and misunderstanding when it comes to dating. How many times have you stared at a text, trying to interpret it – even if it’s only “hey, what’s up?” We might think – is he asking me because he wants to see if I’m busy, or is he just being casual and reaching out to say hello? Then we might wonder: when should I text him back? Should I wait another five minutes, another hour, another day??

We drive ourselves nuts sometimes trying to figure out what’s going on in someone else’s head. But the truth is very simple: we don’t know. We can’t make assumptions. But we should also listen to our intuitions. If we find ourselves wondering too much about his motivations but afraid to ask, we should probably take that as a hint that you're not on the same page romantically speaking.

Following are some typical texts that men send, and what they really mean:

Hey, want to meet for a drink in an hour? [It’s 9:00pm.]

We might think he’s interested in us after all, but chances are, he’s not looking for anything serious and is seeing what you might be up for. Know what you want before agreeing or getting excited about seeing him again - the ball is in your court, so don't settle for less than the relationship you want.

It’s been fun hanging out, but I’m really busy right now with work. Maybe I’ll call you when I’m back in a couple of weeks.

Translation: I’m not really interested, but if I haven’t met anyone else I find attractive in the next two weeks I want to leave my options open. Time to date other people.

I don’t know…where do you want to go tonight?

This might be frustrating if you feel you are always planning the dates, but probably the guy hasn’t put much thought into where to go or what to do. He might spend a few minutes on Yelp before the date, or he might just want you to pick a place because he doesn’t want to take you somewhere you’ll hate. If you feel strongly about planning, then pick the place. If not, just leave it open and see what happens.

I had a nice time with you tonight.

This is a good thing – even if he doesn’t make plans right away for a second date, he’s letting you know he had a good time. Don’t get anxious about the timing, just let him know you had a good time, too. Then if you’re feeling motivated, ask him out instead of waiting for him to make the next move. It’s liberating.

There is quite possibly nothing in this world that perplexes us more than that strange collection of physical and emotional responses we call love. Humans have been trying to understand it since the dawn of…well…humans, in poetry, in art, in music, and in laboratories.

Writer Olga Khazan, in an article for The Atlantic, explores recent research being done into the murky, inexplicable world of online dating. These studies are designed to determine “what makes people desire each other digitally,” she writes, “as well as whether our first impressions of online photos ultimately matter.”

What do social scientists know that you don’t?

First, your face plays an important role in your romantic fate – which means yes, your photos matter. Some evidence suggests that qualities like extraversion, emotional stability, and self-esteem can be read in a person’s physical appearance. For example, writes Khazan, “Hockey players with wider faces, considered a sign of aggression, spend more time in the penalty box.” On a basic level, then, strangers viewing your dating profile may be making judgements about your personality on a subconscious level, solely from your photos.

But pictures are not the end of the process. Nuances of personality are only revealed through interaction, and looks can be deceiving. Personality may supersede looks as we get to know someone – or, explains Khazan, “at the very least, we tend to find people more attractive when we think they have good personalities.”

Frequently, we end up pairing off with partners who match us in level of attractiveness. Which brings up another question: should you date someone who looks like you? Psychologists say the answer is no. Khazan describes another experiment, in which “subjects who thought they were similar to one another were more likely to be attracted to each other, but that wasn’t the case for those who were actually similar to one another.” Where speech is concerned, however, couples with similar speech styles are more likely to remain in a relationship than couples with differing speech styles.

Then there’s the question on everyone’s mind: will online dating actually lead to a relationship? A 2008 study by Eli Finkel and Paul Eastwick at Northwestern University attempted to uncover the answer, and found it to be much more complicated than a simple yes or no. Online dating does give us more options than ever before but, as Finkel and Eastwick discovered, that isn’t necessarily a good thing.

Stay tuned for their discoveries in Part II.

In a recent interview with Business Insider, eHarmony CEO Neil Clark Warren lamented the growing popularity of dating apps like Tinder, where users can swipe left and right after judging someone based on a few photos and short description. Many people prefer the ease and accessibility of dating apps to filling out long questionnaires or writing detailed profiles.

As a psychologist, Warren has touted the benefits of matching based on compatibility - eHarmony's mission and the basis of its marketing – as opposed to the pitfalls of just leaving things to chance. He believes that the game-like dating experience apps like Tinder offer could lead to superficial relationships that don't last for the long-term. 

"I’m sad about it, to tell you the truth, because it doesn't work," he told Business Insider. "It won’t work over time. These new apps tend to be so superficial. They will allure a lot of people into thinking that they belong together when they perhaps don’t belong together at all. They’re depending on superficial almost accidental compatibility. Compatibility is a serious matter, and it’s very deep and very important to figure out."

Tinder has taken the dating world by storm, almost rendering traditional online dating sites with algorithms and matching technology passé. Instead, Tinder has managed to present dating as more like a game - something that engages people and is easy to use, if not very focused on the end result.

But one has to ask: why should any dating app or online dating company be invested in people coupling up? It takes away their business in an industry that relies on sheer numbers in order to sell their product or attract investment dollars.

Dr. Warren however, maintains that he is focused on the end goal: matching people for the long-term, and doing it scientifically. He tells Business Insider that while "it isn't horrible to date people who aren't perfect for you," he thinks that these relationships will accidentally extend into something long-term, like marriage, where the partners eventually split. 

"These companies that are bringing out these apps, they haven't done any careful research about what works," Warren said. "They're just trying to throw something out there that makes money for the company."

He added: "As a psychologist, I've presided over the funerals of an awful lot of marriages, and I've seen people suffer a tremendous amount of pain who went through horrible divorces."

While this might be a little misleading - after all, to some extent, love happens by chance - be it through a dating app or an online dating site, or even while standing in line for your morning coffee. Connection happens, and sometimes it just has to be pursued, regardless of how compatible you are. But for those looking for more serious relationships, would you place your heart in the hands of Tinder or eHarmony?

Dr. Neil Clarke Warren left eHarmony a few years back, only to take control of the company he founded once again in 2012 to implement a turnaround strategy for its drastically sinking subscriber base. As it turns out, this new strategy has been key to eHarmony’s unprecedented recent success. This past week, the company announced that it has the highest number of subscribers in the company’s history, and has grown its base of users 54%.

This is quite an accomplishment, considering the growing popularity of dating apps like Tinder and Hinge. The market is crowded these days, so you have to effectively differentiate yourself in order to compete. Traditional online dating sites have struggled to make their offerings more competitive and accessible.

eHarmony is an especially interesting contender in the online dating industry. Going against the grain of its competitors who offer an easy sign-up process and a high number of matches, eHarmony has a rather lengthy and grueling sign-up process that can take up to 90 minutes to complete before you receive your matches. And you only receive a few matches at a time, ones that are selected by eHarmony, not you. On top of that, there is another “guided communication” process to complete with each match before you can just send them an email to meet for a date.

It seems to be working.

All of these steps are important to eHarmony’s goal: compatibility matching. This was the original intention behind the launch of the site, and founder Dr. Warren has remained firm in this vision, which numbers show is paying off. He brought in a new management team to improve the website and mobile design, the technology, and implement a new marketing program.

As a result, the company has gained subscribers who are also more willing to stay longer and pay more than in years past.

“eHarmony was created as a way for individuals to begin a relationship already a step ahead – with someone who is truly compatible,” said Dr. Warren in a statement. “We are proud of what we have achieved over the past two years, securing the largest subscriber base in our history. We are confident in our ability to continue to grow eHarmony in the future.”

With so many dating sites and apps competing for sheer numbers, it’s interesting that eHarmony’s more serious approach to dating and its focus on the goal - helping people find long-term relationships – is paying off. There is indeed a market, and a need, for people to find and make real-life lasting connections, and the continually growing numbers prove it.

Many singles get burned out on dating. If you’ve been out of a relationship for a while, it can be exhausting to go on an endless amount of first dates, join online dating site after online dating site, or even just drag yourself to another party that may or may not have any single people attending.

While I’m a huge advocate for putting yourself out there, taking advantage of opportunities (romance can come into your life when you least expect it), sometimes it’s more beneficial to take a time-out and regroup when you're feeling depleted.

In recent months, there has been an increasing interest in “unplugging.” We are constantly busy, always rushing to the next meeting, event, business trip, or date – so it’s hard to disconnect from our phones and our lives, even for a few minutes. The problem with all of this over-stimulation is that it burns us out. We put so much time and energy into our careers, social media presence, friends and family obligations that we often lose ourselves in the process. This doesn't make us very motivated to date.

How can you connect with anyone else if you have lost touch with yourself?

Instead of beating yourself up for not meeting anybody, or for letting your membership lapse on Match.com or eHarmony, remember we all need a break from time to time. Try these simple tips instead to help you regroup. Time-outs are good for all of us:

Pick a new hobby that makes you happy. Maybe you used to paint, or play volleyball, or were learning Italian before you got pulled into those daily obligations or got caught up in schedules and career. If there is a hobby outside of work and your family life that is all yours, then pursue it. We become the life we cultivate for ourselves, so make sure you incorporate joy into yours.

Meditate or do yoga. It’s important to embrace silence. We are surrounded by constant stimulus, so it is difficult sometimes to pull ourselves away from email, work, social media, or checking Tinder. But it’s vital. Take time to be quiet and strengthen your mind and body so you can be in a better place to connect with others when you go on your next date.

Find an exercise routine that invigorates you. Going to the gym is healthy but can get so boring! Get outside instead – go rock-climbing, biking, play volleyball, or take up a new sport that challenges you a little. An extra boost of energy and endorphins goes a long way.

Linger over dinner or brunch with friends. That’s right, no more scheduling meetings and appointments back-to-back on the weekends. Leave your afternoons free, enjoy spontaneous plans, and linger over that delicious meal with your friends. It will help you be more present and relaxed on your dates, too.