How To Date Like A Social Scientist: Part II

Love and attraction are about as inexplicable as it gets, but that doesn’t mean scientists aren’t determined to try. More and more studies are attempting to uncover the secrets of attraction, especially when it comes to dating online, the big question being: if we figure out how the process works, can we learn to hack it?

Eli Finkel and Paul Eastwick of Northwestern University are two of the researchers studying online dating. In a breakthrough 2008 study, the duo found that, although men and women say they look for different things in a mate (men tend to prioritize looks, while women prioritize money), there’s no difference in the types of partners the two sexes actually choose in real life.

Finkel and Eastwick took their research farther, finding that there’s little association between the traits people claim that want in a partner and what they are actually attracted to when they meet potential dates face to face. In other words, that laundry list of must-haves and dealbreakers you’ve created is probably useless. At the end of the day, attraction and compatibility just don’t work like that.

In part, Finkel and Eastwick say, this is because the way we pair up on online dating sites is different from the way we evaluate our relationships later on. When we search through profiles on an online dating site, we’re in “joint evaluation mode,” in which we compare multiple potential dates against one another based on factors like income and attractiveness. On the other hand, when we make relationship decisions, we’re in “separate evaluation mode,” in which we judge only one person against the question “Are they right for me?”

In joint evaluation mode, we are likely to focus on the qualities we think are important rather than the qualities that are actually predictive of a healthy relationship. A profile on a computer screen is unable to convey the information we really need to know – hence the importance of in-person meetings, where the real work of assessing compatibility can begin. So although online dating sites do a great job of expanding the dating pool for users, they “do not always improve romantic outcomes; indeed, they sometimes undermine such outcomes.”

Still, despite their limitations, Finkel and Eastwick aren’t totally down on online dating services. When asked if he would use them, Finkel responded enthusiastically:

“Hell yes. It’s probably a bit worse than meeting people organically through one’s existing social network, but, outside of that option, it’s probably as good an approach as any. But it’s important to realize what online dating can and can’t do. It can expand the pool of potential partners, making available a whole slew of people who otherwise would have been unavailable. That’s a huge, huge benefit. But, at least thus far, it can’t figure out who’s compatible with you. That’s your job.”

Related Article: How To Date Like A Social Scientist: Part I