Communication

Dating app Tinder has had to deal with a lot of security issues, despite the app’s verification system using Facebook Connect.  In theory, because of Facebook’s security measures, only “real people” can join Tinder, so users can sign up with some reassurance the profiles they'll encounter will be real. But lately, this has not been the case.

Spammers and scammers have been able to lure users away from Tinder and onto their sites, typically, with spam bots - fake accounts pretending to be real people that flirt with users in order to redirect them to adult sites - and take their money. In the past, Tinder users could block profiles, but they couldn’t report spam.

According to website Tech Crunch, things have changed. Users can now not only block accounts but also report spam. Tinder also made a technical update to address the issue, and the update was effective at cutting down on the in-app spam. Unfortunately, the spam bots just found another avenue - SMS. Phone spam for Tinder users skyrocketed.

Instead of luring Tinder users away while they are inside the app, the spam bots changed their scripts and started collecting mobile numbers from the users, sending those users text messages with links to the spammers’ websites. 

It can be really misleading for users to receive text messages from spammers who are pretending to be people. One example Tech Crunch used that came from a spam bot read like this: “sorry my phone’s almost dead and out of mins too. If you go on Tinderpages.com ill be there. Im sweetgirl4u on it. Sorry its free tho if you confirm your email.”

Tinder is still racking up complaints, so it seems the technical update hasn’t actually made a difference. According to security researchers, this is beacuse Tinder was successful in getting rid of the in-app spam bots but not the spam bots themselves. Lead researcher Raj Bandyopadhyay explained to how they conducted their research, and what it meant for Tinder:

“Our topic modeler looks for phone number related complaints, and then classifies them using Data Scientist to validate correlation. In this case, we isolated complaints related to Tinder, and then compared them to historical complaints. This gives us a high degree of confidence that the spike is specific to Tinder activity and not just an overall spike in spam. In addition, it is important to re-emphasize that this is a pattern we have frequently seen – fraudsters migrating to phone after being thwarted online.”

So it seems text messages are becoming the spam bot avenue of choice, since online technology has improved so much. Now, mobile security needs to catch up.

A recent article in XO Jane was from a female online dater with a dilemma: she can’t seem to get any responses to her online dating profile. “Online dating has made me feel more alone and rejected than ever,” she said, noting the twenty emails she sent to potential matches with zero responses.

She is mystified by the lack of responses, something that happens to men on a regular basis but a lot less often to women. It does shake your confidence when you put yourself out there and receive no feedback, but why does it become an interesting story when it happens to a woman, but is still a regular occurrence for a man?

There is a double standard with online dating. Men have to reach out far more than women, and they get far more rejections and radio silence. Perhaps there is something to learn here about giving people a chance.

The writer does admit she got messages from a few men who “weren’t her type.” While I’m sure she reached out to the men she found most attractive, I can only assume the guys on the website were doing the same. And if she isn’t going to give a chance to the guys who messaged her, then why should she expect others to give her a chance?

Dating is a numbers game when you are reaching out to people online – you have to put a good amount of effort in, and depending on the site, use its features to your advantage. For instance, if it is OkCupid, answer a lot of questions and post your own for other site users. Start a conversation. Engage with the other online daters. If it’s eHarmony, check your matches every day and complete your entire profile and questionnaire before you opt out. If you are doing Match.com, then make sure you are checking all of your matches, posting new pictures, and changing your profile description on a regular basis to engage new members.

There are so many people online dating that sometimes it can be difficult to stand out from the crowd. But you have to make the effort, use the tools/features provided, and be diligent about checking your matches and reaching out to as many potential dates as possible, even if you aren’t sure about their profile. Remember, someone could be judging you for one line, like if you admit to “liking 90’s music” or are “a fan of the Muppets and cats.” So try not to apply the same judgment to others. Give everyone a chance, even if something in his profile doesn’t click with you.

People are more interesting than a profile, and they deserve a chance, just like you. So expand your options, keep an open mind, be diligent about sending out messages - and watch your own responses increase.

There are few sources I trust to dish out genuinely good dating data, but Christian Rudder is at the top of the list. As one of the founders of OkCupid and the genius behind the OkTrends blog, Rudder has been granted an inside look at dating habits that no one can beat.

Recently, he turned that insider access into an article for The Guardian that exposes a few of the online dating secrets he’s learned over the years.

Did someone just talk about exposing secrets? Yep, it was me. Get hyped.

In case you missed it, head back to Part I for the first round of reveals from Rudder. If you’re all caught up, read on for the last 4 secrets to be spilled:

1. The British are really into Haribo and kebabs. Ok, that’s not exactly what Rudder said, but it’s close. Rudder compared Britain’s OkCupid profiles to those from the rest of the English-speaking world, and pulled out the words that are (at least according to his algorithms) most British.
   • The 30 words people in the UK use most when talking about themselves are: Newcastle, Bristol, wot, wasters, Camden, Brighton, tw*t, Portsmouth, Biffy, Clyro, trousers, trainers, Glasgow, feeder, Plymouth, consultancy, bloke, moaning, Haribo, kebab, nan, Ibiza, Essex, lecturer, Stereophonics, bolognese, Yorkshire, housemate, bugger, and sh*te.
2. Beauty is an exponential quantity on OkCupid. As attractiveness goes up, so does the number of messages received each week. It seems like basic logic, but Rudder takes it further. The data forms an exponential function - “That is,” he writes, “it obeys the same maths seismologists use to measure the energy released by earthquakes: beauty operates on a Richter scale. In terms of its effect, there is little noticeable difference between, say, a 1.0 and 2.0 – these cause tremors that vary only in degree of imperceptibility. But at the high end, a small difference has cataclysmic impact. A 9.0 is intense, but a 10.0 can rupture the world.”
3. Even when looking for a job, women are treated like they’re looking for a date. Rudder examined interview requests on ShiftGig and plotted the data against the attractiveness of the applicants. The male curve is linear, but the female curve is once again exponential - meaning that a man’s looks has no effect on his prospects, but a woman’s looks most certainly do.
4. The best questions to ask on a first date are probably not what you’re expecting. Two of OkCupid’s match questions stand out as being remarkably predictive of compatibility: “Do you like scary movies?” and “Have you ever traveled alone to another country?” In approximately ¾ of long-term couples who met on the site, both people answered those questions the same way - a much higher rate than expected. “In fact,” Rudder concludes, “successful couples agree on scary movies – either they both like them or they both hate them – about as often as they agree on the existence of God.”

Is there any place more filled, teaming, brimming with boring clichés that online dating? Even most Hallmark cards aren't this cheesy.

This probably doesn't come as a shock, but I'll say it anyway: your clichés aren't impressing anyone. If you want to find a date online, you have to stand out from the crowd – not sound like everyone else in it. Next time you’re tempted to type one of the following phrases, don't.

• “No baggage.” Not only is this boring, it's also kind of rude and unrealistic. A human being with no baggage doesn't exist. Yes, that includes you. How can you expect someone to have no "stuff" in their past when you have stuff of your own? What “no baggage” really means is “I’m setting myself up for perpetual disappointment” or “I’m not actually ready to date another Homo sapien.” (But, um…hopefully you’re not planning to date anything else, either.)
• “Knight in shining armor.” We're back to that "perpetual disappointment" thing again.” This is yet another totally unrealistic expectation, not to mention a completely outdated concept. Have you forgotten what year this is? This is 2014, not 1420. In this century, we like relationships to be a little more equitable and the “battle of the sexes” should no longer be a battle. No battle means no armor needed.
• “Looking to make friends.” Friends are great. I love friends. You love friends. Everyone loves having friends. But a dating site isn't the place to meet them. Putting this phrase in your online dating profile is bound to bring up more questions than it answers. Does this person not have any friends already? Why not? What's wrong with them? Are they lying to seem coy or unthreatening? Do they really know what they want?
• “I don’t take life too seriously.” In other words, you're totally directionless and coasting through life. It's not that life should be taken seriously all the time – because it shouldn’t – but if there's any aspect of life about which you ought to be serious, it's probably your partner. Shouldn't finding love with someone special be one of the most serious quests you undertake? If what you mean by this phrase is that you're fun, adventurous, full of humor, etc., then find a different way to show it.
• “My _____ is/are everything to me.” Fill in the blank. It could be a pet. It could be children. It could be your career. Whatever it is, what it says to potential dates is "You're competing for second place…at best.” Way to make someone feel special.
• “I’m bubbly.” Are you champagne? In that case, great. If not, everyone knows that’s code for “loud and annoying.”

If you’ve spent any time online dating, you’ve run into some bad profiles, and likely some bad dates, too. How many of us have said at some point “online dating sucks” or “I can’t meet any good guys online!”

According to dating coach Evan Marc Katz at a Tedx Talk he did in May, there’s a reason for this negative perception, but it’s not what we think. He points out that men and women think of online dating very differently, because they have different experiences. Namely, men are typically the ones reaching out to women to try and capture attention and women are the ones sifting through a ton of unwanted messages. So neither one is getting what they want, and both are blaming each other.

Men tend to be reactionary when it comes to online dating. Katz claims they feel like failures at it because they don’t seem to get responses right away (and they tend to look for instant gratification), so they feel the pressure to come up with a more winning formula. This formula is casting a wide net – if they reach out to as many women as possible as quickly as possible, they have a better shot at getting responses and hopefully getting to that date.

The women however, are getting either mass emails, emails that are sexually forward, or long essays about why a man would make a good match. None of these tactics work, because women can tell when it’s a mass email, and they typically don’t respond to sexually aggressive or forward emails because it makes them feel unsafe, and they don’t read the long essays because there isn’t enough time! So guys experience more failure, they cast an even wider net, and keep on repeating the same mistakes.

As Katz says, if both genders understood what was going on behind the scenes, they would have a much better time online dating, and they would have more success. He goes on to give some tips to help:

Use the 2/2/2 rule. Katz suggests the following formula (over the course of a week) can accommodate both men’s and women’s objectives: start with 2 emails back and forth on the dating site, then move to 2 emails off the dating site via your personal accounts, then 2 phone calls (not a text), then go on the date. The point is to find a good balance for both of you, which makes the men more successful and the women feel more comfortable interacting. When you step back and try to treat online dating more like meeting for the first time in real life, you’ll be much more successful.

Think of how real-life connections happen. The reason people get frustrated with online dating is because it doesn’t feel as good as meeting in person and having attraction grow organically. But Katz maintains this can happen online, too. It's all about trying to connect instead of moving quickly through a bunch of candidates or dismissing most of your emails. Most guys get impatient, and most women feel uncomfortable unless there is some kind of connection before a first date.

Both sides just have to put in a little effort.

To find out more on how to find someone online you can check our reviews on some of Evan Marc Katz dating guides.

If you want to put your best foot forward and drum up the most interest from potential partners, you won't be surprised to learn that it all comes down to your profile photo.

Okay, not all of it. Some people do actually read the words you painstakingly chose. But let's be real: the profile pic is the first thing someone sees, and it has a lot to do with how well you sell yourself online.

Before you start contemplating plastic surgery, remember that the perfect profile picture isn't about conventional beauty. There are plenty of other factors that go into a photo that catches eyes, and none of them have to do with how well you apply eyeliner or how much time you spend in the gym.

Zoosk conducted a study of 4,000 online daters and discovered some of the more unexpected elements that attract attention online:

• Yes, your pet is cute, but your furry friend is not helping you find a date. Photos with animals lower the average number of messages received by 53% for both men and women.
• Posing with human friends also lowers your average – by 42%.
• Women get a 60% boost in messages received if their profile picture is taken indoors.
• On the other hand, men get 19% more messages if their photo is taken outdoors.
• A full body shot is must, regardless of your gender. It'll give you a 203% bump in your incoming messages average.
• Ladies: your selfies earn you 4% more messages. Gentlemen: sorry, your selfies lower your incoming average by 8%.

What you're seeing here are some similarities, but also a couple of key differences. Take that last one: why is it we think it's normal for women to take selfies, but think it's vain for men to do the same thing? Shocker – we have double standards were beauty and gender norms are concerned.

Those double standards continue into the text of the profile. Zoosk's research came to the unsettling conclusion that honesty is the best policy for men, but that women should keep their mouths shut about the big issues until later on. Looking at the data, Zoosk found that:

• The words "separate" and "divorce" up men's incoming messages by 52%. Mentioning children means another 7% boost.
• For women, on the other hand, mentioning the same words causes the incoming messages average to drop by 7%.

So what does that mean? Does that mean women should hide their pasts while men should celebrate them? Does it mean that online dating is fundamentally broken?

What it really means, more than anything, is that online dating sites serve as a microcosm of society as a whole. Regardless of gender, double standards are firmly in place – and we'll never beat them online until we beat them offline.

For more on the dating site that commissioned the study you can read our review of Zoosk.