Communication

A new crop of dating apps are positioning themselves for the needs of the ever-changing online dating market by declaring themselves “Anti-Tinder” apps. And it seems people are ready to welcome something new.

Despite the popularity of Tinder, there’s been a big backlash against this type of “hot-or-not” dating app. The world of online dating has become bigger and easier to join, and as a result, daters jump from one profile to the next, on a seemingly endless search for someone "better." In other words, daters are fast adapting an ADD mentality towards dating. The attention span of most daters is about as long as it takes to swipe left.

If you like the results that you’ve achieved through Tinder, you can stop reading this now. However, most of the people I’ve talked to like the accessibility of Tinder, but they don’t like the endless stream of matches that go nowhere beyond a couple of texts.

Enter the latest “Anti-Tinder” dating app Talk or Not. Talk or Not hides the photos of its users so matches aren’t made by looks alone. According to its release, it allows users more control by “revealing user photos piece by piece only when a conversation is mutually exchanged.” In other words, you get to see if someone is hot or not only after you have a conversation.

Talk or Not was developed by graphic designer Britney Bachmann and content specialist Garrett Shawstad, who were both online dating and wanted a different experience than what Tinder provided. “It’s an odd thing to put yourself out there for the world to see,” said Shawstad, summing up the need for more privacy and selectiveness when it comes to online dating.

But Talk or Not isn’t the first app to compete with the likes of Tinder by putting conversation before photos. Dating app Willow, launched back in August of last year, is the creation of 23-year-old Michael Brunch, who also wanted to create an app with a “talk first, reveal photos later” philosophy. “We believe the best way to get to know someone, and find out whether you like them, is by talking to them,” the app’s website states. “A good relationship begins with a good conversation.”

Twine Canvas, launched in early 2014 also hides the photos of its users to be revealed once a connection is made. Rather than focus on conversation however, it is more visually-based, encouraging users to post photos of what they are interested in and let connections flow from there. Even dating app Anomo lets users hide their photos behind avatars, only revealing what they actually look like when they feel comfortable enough with a match.

Is more privacy a good thing when it comes to online dating, or just another marketing gimmick? It’s hard to tell at this point – but one thing is for sure: you can’t tell if there is attraction with potential matches until you meet in real life. So maybe instead of all the games, you cut to the chase sooner rather than later to determine if you’re a good fit.

The rise in popularity of Bye Felipe isn’t accidental – it’s due to more and more women speaking out about unwanted or even abusive messages they receive through dating apps and online dating sites.

Online dating has become mainstream, thanks to the rise in popularity of dating apps like Tinder, which have made it easier to meet people now more than ever. However, along with all of these new opportunities (and new people joining the game) come some unwanted messages and trolls looking for a platform to vent their anger rather than connect with someone.

Most of us (especially women) have been subjected to some unwanted or even abusive behavior online. We receive messages propositioning for sex without even meeting face-to-face first, or abusive messages claiming that we are untrustworthy, shallow, ugly, etc. from men we’ve only exchanged a couple of text messages with. This can be shocking, hurtful, and even scary – turning many victims off of online dating altogether.

It’s only natural for online daters to wonder what exactly they are signing up for when they experience this kind of abusive behavior.

Unfortunately, because some people are skeptical of the effectiveness of online dating, a few abusive emails are enough to write off the whole practice. But this is the wrong approach. It’s better instead to look at online dating as a whole, rather than just its worst aspects (and worst customers).

Instead of looking at all the online connections that are positive (or even ordinary), we tend to focus on the messages that have been upsetting, suggestive, and otherwise unwanted. We dwell on the negative, confirming our fears about meeting people online. But the truth is, millions of matches are made every day with no abuse, and no fanfare either. The vast majority of matches are between ordinary people looking for real-life relationships. If we get caught up in the actions of a small percentage of trolls, we miss opportunities.

We should not ignore the problem. Clearly, online dating sites have to clean up the process to be able to filter out this kind of bad behavior. A lot more work needs to be done.

But if you want a chance to meet people outside of your current networks of friends, family and co-workers, online dating is your best opportunity. But be smart in your approach. Research different websites and apps. Obviously apps like Tinder are very popular, but that means they also attract a lot of dating trolls. If you are looking for something more serious, you might want to invest in a site like eHarmony where there is more of a screening process among users.

Don’t give up on online dating because of a few bad apples. Give it another chance. Try a new site. Ask your friends to help. These small steps should help you improve your overall experience. For more information on the services mentioned you can read our Tinder review and our eHarmony review.

Another year, another crop of studies trying to solve the problems of online dating. Maybe I shouldn't get so into them, but I can't help it. If science can help us get even a little bit closer to finding love, I'm all for it. The end of 2014 and beginning of 2015 predictably brought on a slew of new research with some interesting insights to share.

One study published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences found something that's unlikely to surprise you: men who post more selfies to social media sites are more narcissistic.

The research uncovered a connection between a penchant for posting selfies and four personality traits: narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy and self-objectification. Narcissism and psychopathy were both linked to the number of selfies posted, while narcissism and self-objectification appeared to influence the tendency for men to edit photos of themselves online.

There are some things in life it's ok to be afraid of. Jumping out of a plane? Terrifying. Knocking down a hornets' nest? Traumatic. Online dating? Not so much.

You've heard all the horror stories – from benign bad dates to to psycho stalkers and unscrupulous scammers – and it's easy to let them scare you off. But first, let's address one simple issue: all dating is terrifying. No matter what, it always feels at least a little unsettling to let a stranger into your life. Not to mention how frightening it is to think about the potential heartbreak that could be waiting at the end.

So let's start by agreeing that online dating isn't any scarier than offline dating. And then let's take things a step further: online dating may actually be less scary than offline dating.

Really? Yes, really. Here are a few reasons why:

1. Technology is actually helping to make dating safer. When it comes to privacy, “there's an app for that.” There's no need to give out your number to strangers if you don't want to, because more and more companies are popping up that facilitate calls between people without divulging phone numbers. Other companies offer disposable, temporary virtual numbers than can be used instead of your real phone number. Background checks are also becoming an increasingly popular service, both from 3^rd party providers and from some dating sites themselves.
2. Rejection is easier when you aren't face to face. Hearing no (or maybe nothing at all) is never fun, but it hurts a whole lot less when it's between you and a profile instead of you and a person. If you have a hard time opening up to someone or even speaking to someone in the first place because you fear the possibility of rejection, online dating can significantly ease the sting. Think of it as a buffer than softens blow, allowing you to take even greater risks. Because with great risk comes great reward, right?
3. You actually know when you're dating someone. The idea of clarity around dating went out the window when the 21^st century hit. These days no one seems to know if they're actually dating or just “hanging out.” Good luck establishing intimacy with someone when you don't even know who you are to each other. When you've met on an online dating site, however, there's no ambiguity. That first meeting is definitely a date.

Technology is making everything else easier, so it's no surprise it's making dating easier too. Not so scary after all, is it?

While some resolved to actually use their expensive gym memberships and others resolved to spend more time with family in 2015, you resolved to double down on your online dating efforts.

The key to keeping any resolution to is to be smart about setting your goals. Saying “I want to find love this year” sounds nice, but what does it really mean? What steps will you take to get there? It's unclear when a goal is so general.

Instead, you need to set specific goals by working backwards. If the ultimate aim is finding love, start planning the particular steps that are going to get you there. For instance, “Join an online dating site.” If you haven't done that yet, that's a simple first step that is specific (you could even mention the exact dating site), easy to take action on, and measurable (as in, you can tell when it's completed). The more your goals follow those parameters, the easier you will find it to reach them.

Let's talk about some of the goals you could set this year:

• Choose 3-5 first date spots. The first date is an intimidating experience no matter what, but picking a setting that's familiar can help reduce your anxiety. Have a few go-to spots in mind so you're always ready with a venue that's comforting and relaxing.
• Plan conversation starters. I'm not saying your whole interaction should be canned, but it doesn't hurt to have a few conversation starters for when things get awkward. OkCupid's research has found that the 3 best questions to determine long-term potential are: Do you like horror moves? Have you ever traveled around another country alone? Wouldn't it be fun to chuck it all and go live on a sailboat?
• Follow up like the adult you are. That means two things. First, follow up no more than 3 days after a date (but realistically, the 3 day rule is silly – why not day 1 or 2?). Second, if you're not interested in seeing your date again, inform them politely. Don't pull a childish disappearing act.
• Upload new pictures. How current are the photos on your online dating profile right now? If the newest picture is a year old, it's time for a refresh. Make sure you go for variety – a close-up, a full-body shot, and snaps that show a little more about who you are and what you're into.
• Reread your profile. Most people write it once and never think about it again. It's not the worst possible approach, if you put a lot of thought into it the first time around, but it's not the best either. You grow and change, and your profile should to. Read it through and make sure it reflects who you are now, in 2015.

What are your dating resolutions for 2015?

It was really only a matter of time.

Beards have become such an integral part of pop culture it's almost surprising this hasn't happened sooner. Finally, the world has a dating app for men with beards and those who love them. The app is called Bristlr, because we now live in an era when E is an uncool vowel.

On the surface, Bristlr is exactly what you think it is. The app is a slightly tongue-in-cheek service that taps into the hipster/lumbersexual thing that's happening right now, and has no problem laughing at itself. The description of how Bristlr works is simply:

• Tell us where you are, and if you have a beard
• Got a beard? We find people looking for beards
• Want a beard? We find people with beards worth looking for
• Send messages to people you like and who like you
• Your life now contains more beard love, you're welcome

And then there's the to-the-point explanation of what Bristlr is: “There are many people with beards who like to have them stroked. And there are many people who don’t have beards, but would like to stroke them. Bristlr is the link between the two.”

And let's not forget the handy FAQ answer to “Is this a joke?” which reads: “In the sense that it’s a little ridiculous, yes. But Bristlr is a real thing being made.”

So yeah, it's a little funny. And Bristlr knows it's a little funny. And that's why it stands to be totally great.

Actually, it's just one of the reasons Bristlr could be your new favorite dating site. Although the premise is just the slightest bit silly, Bristlr is taking on some issues that are absolutely serious. Chief among them is the problem of spam. No matter who you are or what dating services you've used, you're bound to have come across the kind of lame, boring, generic messages that you know have been copy/pasted to tons of other people.

But not on Bristlr, because Bristlr informs you when a message has been sent to other people, as well as how many other people it's been sent to. It isn't complicated functionality to make, but Bristlr is one of – if not the – first to actually do it. Cool, right?

In addition to that handy little tool, Bristlr also lets users grade the quality of the messages they receive. If people regularly rate you highly, indicating that you spend a thoughtful amount of time on your messages, you'll receive a little star on your profile.

Founder John Kershaw says he's also considering adding Facebook-style status updates to the site, to encourage even more personality, honesty and transparency.

Honesty and transparency on dating sites? Yes, apparently it is possible. Thanks, Bristlr.