Advice

Do you search through online dating profiles, filtering out your options based on a list of ideal traits you want in a partner? Do you fill out the questionnaires according to your desired traits, and weed through profiles that don't match these ideals?

As it turns out, this could prevent you from meeting The One.

According to new research from Northwestern University and Texas A&M University, people tend to be more picky when online dating than when meeting someone in person. People liked potential partners that matched their ideals when reading their profiles, but those same ideals didn't matter once they met in person.

"People have ideas about the abstract qualities they're looking for in a romantic partner," said Eastwick, assistant professor of psychology at Texas A&M University and lead author of the study. "But once you actually meet somebody face to face, those ideal preferences for traits tend to be quite flexible."

The researchers concluded that attraction between two people is more three-dimensional than just matching a list of qualities each prefers.

"People are not simply the average of their traits," he said. "Knowing that somebody is persistent, ambitious and sexy does not tell you what that person is actually like. It doesn't make sense for us to search for partners that way."

Because online dating offers so many options (and new faces every day), we like to think that all this choice is helpful in finding the right person. In actuality, you could be dismissing someone on paper (or online rather) based on one or two traits you don't like, but if you were to meet in person, you could be attracted to the person as a whole despite not having some of the traits you find generally attractive. Again, romance and chemistry are unique to each couple, and often you don't know where you'll find it.

My advice based on this helpful bit of research is: be very open in your online dating filters. Instead of ruling out men or women of a certain age, income, height, weight, personality type, etc., have an open mind. Make a short list (three things) that are "must-haves" and the rest make negotiable. This way, you're opening up your options and may discover you connect with someone you otherwise would never have dated.

The more open you are to dating outside your "type," the less likely you'll repeat the same relationship mistakes of the past. When you're in new territory, you have new experiences. You might even say, "I would never have gone out with him based on his profile, but I'm so glad I did!"

We're entering holiday season, which means tons of parties, dinners, and other social gatherings - with tons of couples. When you're single, this can be an emotional time of year. You may wonder, why does everyone else seem to find the right person, but not me? Instead of throwing yourself a pity party because you don't have a date for holiday festivities, try another approach.

Because we just had Thanksgiving and Christmas is right around the corner, we should all take time to be thankful for what we do have in our lives, rather than being wistful about what we don't. No matter what you think is missing from your life, chances are, you have more blessings than a lot of people around you. It's good to take some time and remember all of the things that bring love and happiness to our lives. Plus, it helps put us in the right frame of mind for dating. I have a list to get you started:

Family. Does Mom call you on a regular basis, just to check in? Is your sister the first person you call when you need advice? Family is so important to our general sense of belonging, so enjoy them this holiday season. Even if Aunt Susie gets a little nosy or difficult when she has too much egg nog. They are your family, and that is cause for thanks.

Friends. Your friends are the ones who are there for you, through thick and thin and many bad dates as well as good ones. They cheer you on and comfort you when you're down. Friends provide a sense of community, support and companionship. They also are fun to go out with when you need a break from all the holiday stress. Isn't that worth celebrating?

Your previous relationships. Even if they didn't work out, every relationship has something valuable to teach us. Every one of your exes left you a changed person, and helped you grow - even if the relationship itself seemed like a mistake. So, be grateful even to those partners who hurt you: they only helped make you stronger.

Your livelihood. Maybe you followed your passion and now make a good living from it, or maybe you managed to keep your boring desk job amidst a recent round of layoffs. Regardless of where you might want to be in a year or five years, be thankful for where you are right now. You are gaining valuable experience, and you're better off than many people who are looking for work.

Your neighborhood. Do you live in a city where you can walk to restaurants, or to work? Is there a special café where you grab your coffee every morning? Or do you live in a small town where you see the leaves change each season? Perhaps you love tennis, hiking, or just being outdoors? Regardless of where you live, be grateful for what is immediately around you, and find the beauty in it.

My friend Rachel is frustrated. She graduated from college last year and, like so many other recent graduates, employment seems like a pipe dream. For months, she's been applying to job after job after job - online, in person, over the phone - and no one is hiring. She asked for my advice over lattes last week, and this is what I said: I don't know a lot about the business world, but I do know a lot about online dating...and they're a lot more similar than you think.

I've already shared a few of the similarities between job hunting and online dating, but there's more where that came from. What else can searching for a job teach you about searching for love online? Plenty! Like:

• You have to know what you're looking for. What do you want out of your career? Lots of vacation time? A burgeoning bank account? A chance to help with humanitarian issues? You wouldn't want to spend your life working in an industry that doesn't meet your needs, and you wouldn't want to settle down with a partner who doesn't meet your needs either. Take time to think seriously about what you want out of a relationship. If you don't know what you're looking for, you'll never find it.

• Be open-minded. Having too many dealbreakers is a dealbreaker itself. A great job can come from an unexpected source, and likewise love can come when you least expect it. If you're too focused on your idea of the "ideal" date, you might miss the person who's actually perfect for you.

• Don't be afraid to take chances. The end of a job interview is awkward. You shake their hand, and then what? What do you say? Do you act like you've already gotten the job? This is a time to be bold - offer the handshake, express your strong interest in the position, and ask for the timeframe in which you can expect to hear back from them. Make it clear that you're ready for a "second date." And when you're actually on dates, use the same tactic. If you want a goodnight kiss, go for it. If you want a second date, ask for it. There is no reward without risk.

• Be sure to follow up. Every career expert believes in the power of the post-interview thank you note, because follow-up is key. It shows you're serious about the job, and gives you another opportunity to make a memorable impression. Post-date follow up is equally important. Send a quick message to say what a great time you had and make plans for Date #2. A relationship won't happen unless you make it happen.

Who knew getting hired and getting hitched would have so much in common?

It's easy to get what we want these days. Information is available 24/7. We can buy a new refrigerator at 2:00am from Amazon and have it shipped the next day. We can text our friends and ask them to grab a drink now, without actually talking or planning in advance. Everything is available at our fingertips. Patience is not something we cultivate in our culture.

So how is this affecting our relationships?

I think patience is one of the most important aspects of dating and building a relationship. Sure, we all hear the fairytale wedding stories of how two people met, fell in love, and married within a few weeks or months. But for most people, it takes time, effort, and patience. Two people must first learn about and trust each other. They must be willing to grow the relationship and practice communicating effectively with each other. Often, we get too impatient waiting and think that instant chemistry is the key to our happiness. Chemistry is merely one step in the process - it takes a lot more to make things last!

Many of us make lists of the perfect man or woman we'd like to be with, and tend to date as though we're on a mission to find exactly what we want. Men and women both do this, expecting dating to be easier when actually it makes meeting people that much harder. The truth is, people aren't made to order. We all come with great qualities as well as weaknesses and baggage. The first step to having a solid relationship is to understand this and accept people for who they are. Don't try to change or mold them into what you want. And if you date only one type of person, you close yourself off from new opportunities and seeing where things might lead if you date a little differently - outside of your "type." These things take patience.

Maybe you're in a new relationship, but worried about where it's going. You'd like a magic crystal ball to ensure that you're not wasting time. If you're getting bent out of shape already, relax! Take a step back. Have you experienced the gamut of emotions with this person? Have you laughed, cried, fought? Have you seen him get angry? Have you seen how he reacts to setbacks? When you're dating, it's easy to put your best foot forward, but that doesn't mean you or your love interest will be so well-adjusted when life throws a few curveballs. That's where the relationship gets tested. It's good to know what you're facing, so take your time and get to know each other.

Plus, it's good to enjoy yourself in the early stages of romance - don't be so quick to rush to the finish line. Patience is the key.

There are some who, when they begin online dating, don’t like to share that fact with family and friends. Perhaps some of them don’t share any of their romantic details, regardless of how they met, but others still fear judgement, still worry that online dating carries a stigma. However, if the relationship is successful, sooner or later you’ll have to introduce your significant other to the members of the rest of your life; how will you handle the situation then?

There are a few common approaches to this issue. Some prefer the “wait and spring.” Essentially, they remain completely silent about any new relationship until they’re practically ready to get married. Then they announce everything all at once.

It’s not a completely illogical choice. If you’re worried about being swayed by family and friends, simply cutting them out of the equation is certainly one way to stay on track. But the secrecy can lead to more negativity than it’s worth. For example, you might have to lie to friends before you’re ready, or your family may treat your significant other with more suspicion because they’re come out of nowhere.

If you’re worried about a stigma associated with online dating, acting like you’ve got something to hide is certainly counterproductive. Perhaps a better approach might be one I call “baby steps.” Mention casually that you’ve met someone new. You don’t have to go into details if you don’t want to; saying something like, “It’s too soon to get into” tends to cut off most prying questions. You might mention that you’ve been “hanging out” with a “new friend.” Then, when you’re finally ready to reveal your relationship, it will reflect more of a natural progression, instead of an ambush.

Remember: if you act strange or ashamed of online dating, people will think you have some reason to. Regardless of how you met - whether it was through an online dating site, at the post office, in a fender-bender - it’s now your story, and it’s no more or less romantic and valid than anyone else’s. Don’t be afraid to share it - who doesn’t like a good how-we-met tale?

We’ve all encountered dry spells in online dating. Just like the dating world in general, there will inevitably be periods of time in which there simply don’t appear to be any compatible people posting their profiles. Or perhaps there are a few possibilities, but they haven’t responded to your first-contact emails.

Thus, when an email shows up in your inbox, it’s a relief. You’re excited. The dry spell is broken! And the last thing you want to be is... critical.

However, there’s nothing wrong with critical thinking when reading a profile, or an email. Not only is it a basic line of defense in safety - pay attention to those red flags and warnings going off in your gut - it can simply save you time and effort that might otherwise wind up wasted.

For example, take the email filled to the brim with compliments - compliments which are, upon further examination, completely generic. Has this person even indicated they’ve actually read your profile? If not, why are they sending an email that is most likely copied and pasted? At best, they’re lazy. At worst, they could be trying to pull some sort of scam.

It can be difficult to cast a critical eye. After all, you’re part of the online dating world; you know how nerve-wracking it can be to contact someone new, and how much it stings when you’re rejected. However, it can be helpful to remember two things: first, that you’ve put time and effort into your own profile and emails - why shouldn’t you expect the same respect from others? Secondly, you’re not looking to hand out rewards or make the world fair; you’re simply looking for a compatible partner. Dating someone who isn’t compatible is ultimately a waste of time for the both of you.

Finding the right person ultimately means walking a fine line, one that involves keeping an open mind for potential matches as well as staying assertive about what you want and need. It can be tempting to veer off-course, particularly when the opportunities have been slim for some time; still, staying true to yourself will help you find the right match for you all the faster.