Communication

It’s a revolutionary time in online dating. Now your physiology will be making decisions about who you should date, instead of having to rely on your own decision-making process to swipe left and right.

The new Tinder app debuting on Apple Watch called Hands-Free Tinder, created by developers from Austin-based integrated marketing and advertising firm T3, links a person’s heart rate to their interest in potential matches. Since pulse rates quicken when you are attracted to someone, the technology tracks this and suggests that you are a match. If there’s no quickening of heart rate? Then it’s an automatic rejection.

The process is entirely automated, meaning you don’t have to do the swiping yourself. The watch app does it for you. (Which kind of takes the fun out of Tinder, doesn’t it?) By simply looking at someone’s picture, the app will determine whether to reject or accept a match, all based on the user’s heart rate.

The Apple Watch won’t be the only wearable technology getting the new Tinder app – it will also become available soon on Google Play, so Android wearables will offer Hands Free Tinder, too.

“Swiping left and right is a thing of the past,” explained the developers to the UK’s Daily Mail. “After we found out that the Apple Watch could detect heart rate, we went to work developing hands-free Tinder. Now you can follow your heart to the right match.”

An article in Tech Times pointed out the precariousness of relying on heart rates to monitor attraction or interest in a potential date. Hands-free Tinder does not discriminate. If you are excited in that moment, whether it’s because you saw an old friend or took the first sip of a delicious drink, then your watch will right-swipe for you. The same thing goes if you are excited in a bad way, like if you witness an accident or suddenly remembered that you didn’t turn the stove off when you left the house. It will swipe right for you in these instances, too, because your heart rate goes up. So it’s important to not allow yourself to be distracted while you’re using the new app.

The smartphone helped propel online dating into the mainstream, making it easier than ever for people to choose or reject matches based mostly on a few photos. It has also encouraged our tendency toward laziness, especially when it comes to dating. Instead of manually accepting or rejecting matches, the next evolution of online dating says it will be done for us. Where’s the fun in that?

For more information on this dating app you can go ahead and read our review of Tinder.

People say “there are plenty of fish in the sea,” but sometimes the online dating sea feels more like a swamp. You encounter creature after creature, stumble through quicksand, and occasionally find a rare flower amongst the moss and mold.

When you do find one of the eligible ones, the pressure's on. What's the best way to break the ice so they don't run away, thinking you're one of the swamp creatures? A study published in Evidence Based Medicine may have the answer.

Scientists from Barts, the London School of Medicine, and The University of North Texas teamed up to uncover the secrets of the perfect online dating profile. They performed a meta-analysis of 86 psychology, sociology, computer, and behavioral studies, and compiled surprisingly specific guidelines for expert online dating.

Conversations beginning with open-ended questions consistently had the highest response rates. Open-ended questions allow the recipient to choose from many possible answers, thereby keeping the conversation flowing. A simple yes or no question, on the other hand, stalls the conversation as soon as it's answered.

Initial exchanges also fared better when response times were quick. That may come as a surprise to those who are worried about appearing over-eager. Speedy replies were not a turn off, so no need to keep a date waiting.

In news that isn't surprising, messages that included spontaneous wit and humor were well received, as were messages that disclosed personal information. The former puts the recipient in a good mood, exerting a powerful influence on the way they imagine they will feel with you in the future. The latter makes them feel closer to you.

Generic messages are not advised, nor is overt flattery. Potential dates want to feel special, so avoid the cut and paste, but we are also not inclined to accept compliments we don't think are credible. Strike a balance somewhere in between.

End every conversation on a positive note. We're hardwired to remember the end of an experience better than the beginning or the middle, so we judge the pleasure of an experience based primarily on its conclusion. That's the best time to reveal positive things about yourself.

Do not wait too long to turn an online chat into a face-to-face meeting. An earlier switch is associated with better outcomes.

First impressions really do count. Keep the first conversation fun and honest, because that's how your match will think of you during future exchanges, and get offline as soon as you feel comfortable.

Tired of feeling like you’re in a dating rut? Sometimes Tinder is fun, but it doesn’t yield the long-term results you crave. If you really want things to change, you’re going to have to explore other options and mix up your routine.

Change is hard – it requires getting out of your comfort zone and putting in some effort. I think that Tinder has been such an attractive app because it takes all of the effort out of dating, leaving it to be more of a game to pass the time. Don’t get me wrong – there are couples who met over Tinder, but they also made an effort to meet each other in person, too. Dating has to happen for a relationship to evolve.

Instead of relying on your dating apps like Tinder, it’s time to explore your options. Traditional online dating sites – especially those that charge a fee for their matching services – tend to attract daters who are a little more serious, a bit more invested. Mix up your routine by joining Match.com or eHarmony, and enlisting a friend to help craft your profile. (I find that many people aren’t very accurate with describing themselves – either they try to create a certain “image” and don’t come across as trustworthy or real, or they downplay their assets, thinking humility is a good trait to attract someone romantically. It’s not.

Matchmaking services are also an interesting option, because they are a little more curated and provide a higher level of customized service. If this kind of thing intimidates you, start with a service like “It’s Just Lunch.” It’s Just Lunch provides a way to cut to the chase, where you are set up on a simple lunch date with a match to see if you click. It’s casual, but at least you get to meet in person to see if there’s any chemistry, rather than dealing with messages from dating apps which go nowhere.

Dating apps are a good thing, they just aren’t able to provide a different type of experience – they are for quick views and snap judgments, and people move rather quickly through them. When you meet someone via an online dating site or service however, the process moves a bit slower – you message back and forth, you are encouraged to meet in person, and you get a chance to “date” rather than sort through endless options. There’s something to be said for taking your time.

When you’re online dating, it’s hard to not take rejection personally. After all, your matches rejected you romantically! It doesn’t get more personal than that, right?

Wrong. Online dating is to some extent, a numbers game. That is, anyone who is online dating is bound to get rejected because of the sheer number of people doing it, whether your match swiped left on Tinder or wrote a heart-felt rejection message over eHarmony. Not every love connection is going to work out. In fact, most of them don’t.

Instead of taking it personally when you get rejected online, following are a few things to understand and help you gain perspective – so take heart:

It’s not personal.

Rejection happens to everyone. If you’ve been online dating long enough, it can get downright discouraging. But this doesn’t mean you’re hopeless. It just means that there are a lot of options out there, and some people aren’t willing to take the time to get to know the real you, and that’s okay. Some people will choose to get to know you, too. Like everything in life that’s rewarding, online dating requires a bit of patience and perseverance.

What would you have done differently?

Online dating gives us a unique opportunity to see and evaluate our own behavior apart from our familiar circles of friends and family. Dates are subjective, but they react to how you present yourself. Were you in a bad mood on the date? Are you harboring judgment or anger? These things can come across to your date, so pay attention to what is going on inside of you, as well as your date.

You’ve rejected people, too.

Think back to those people whose messages you ignored, those profiles you swiped left on. Chances are, you have done your share of rejecting, too. Was it personal? I’d bet in most cases, it wasn’t personal at all – just a preference. So don’t take it so personally when an online date rejects you.

Your date might have met someone else.

A lot can happen in one night. If your date was chatting with someone else and decided to pursue her, that’s a choice – it’s not a reflection on you. Or, your date might have gotten back together with an ex. You never know what might have happened to someone else or what they have going on in their lives, so don’t drive yourself crazy with analyzing every text or date. Just let it go, and know that someone else is out there.

There are still more people to meet.

As I just mentioned, online dating presents all kinds of new options, at any time you want. If you want to feel better after a rejection, spice up your profile, reach out to some new people, and see what happens. Online dating can get you down, but it can also be an ego boost.

A recent article in Marie Claire surveyed single men across the U.S. to ask them about the online dating profiles they come across, and what they felt women lied about most when writing their online dating profiles.

The number one thing guys think women lie about is their looks – whether it’s their weight, “athleticism,” height, or even whether or not they've posted an old picture from five years ago. Enough women have used tricks to make themselves look more “attractive” – from using old photos to Photoshopping their features to avoiding posting full-body pictures – so that men are automatically suspicious of how they portray themselves physically, and what they might be hiding. So ladies, no more cover-ups. Include recent photos, and a body shot as well as headshots. Since there are also studies on the wide range of taste men have, you should show off your “flaws” - likely, it means more dates.

Men also believe women lie about their age. Let’s face it – I think this happens for both genders, especially for men who want to date much younger women. There is an age bias in online dating, which contributes to this phenomenon, but perhaps we should all do a reality check. Do you really want to admit you lied about something so fundamental when you meet in person, especially if you really like the guy? It pays to come clean from the start, so trust won’t be an issue.

Men are also weary of women who post that they love their independence – and include lots of photos with their girlfriends as proof. If you describe yourself as "not clingy," the first thing a man will wonder is – how clingy will she be? Instead of saying this in your profile, talk about the trips you’ve taken or the things you like to do. There’s no need to prove your independence if you have it.

Perhaps thanks to the movie/ book “Gone Girl,” men also get suspicious of any woman who describes herself as “laid-back.” They immediately wonder if she’s very sensitive or highly reactive. Same thing with women who describe themselves as successful – if they have to say it, are they really? (Plus, men tend to lie about their own success.) Again, it’s best to avoid defending yourself to someone who has never met you.

The last and most important thing to note is that men don’t believe it when women say they want a “casual” relationship. When they take this statement at face value, often times, the women end up wanting more, so they avoid women who write this altogether. The important thing to remember is – be honest. If you want a relationship, you shouldn’t be afraid to admit it. In fact, it will help you weed out the ones who don’t – because you won’t succeed in changing them.

I hear a lot of feedback from people when I tell them I write about dating. It's a hot-button issue for many, and most of the time, they can’t wait to share with me all of their dating horror stories and the confusing messages they receive. In fact, this was the reason I wrote my book, Date Expectations.

But mostly, after the stories are told, they still want to know how to meet a great guy/ woman. Then, they want to know why it’s impossible to meet anyone decent on Tinder when practically everyone is on it. Then the last thing they want to know is: why should they even try online dating?

I admit, online dating is hard. Regular dating is hard. Thinking of the perfect message to send someone you’re interested in is daunting. So why even bother going up to a complete stranger and trying to start a conversation when it’s even more intimidating and stressful, and you can’t delete your line and start over again?

But I think most people have misconceptions about online dating. Looking for love is not like going to Amazon, reading the reviews, and ordering the jacket you want in just the right size or color. Dating is dealing with human beings – none of them perfect, all with some type of baggage or issues – but many people refuse to let go of their fantasies about the “perfect” partner, and think their made-to-order person is out there waiting to be found.

Before you protest and say you have an open mind, you've dated a lot of different people and none were right, let’s investigate. Think about the times you’ve scrolled through profiles on Tinder. What made you reject someone? Was he too short? Did she wear too much make-up? Did he have a job you didn’t like? Did she seem too fat? Typically, when we find something “wrong” with someone, we tend to ignore the other great qualities and dismiss without even some consideration. We think it’s because we don’t want to waste time. But really – when you date the people who have all the characteristics you like, chances are they still aren't quite "The One;" there are still flaws.

The truth is, romantic relationships require patience. Sure, you can have instant chemistry with someone (which helps the process along), but if you don’t have the same relationship goals, or you find out later you don't have much in common, or that he’s really a jerk, you are left angry and confused.

On the other hand, if you meet someone you like but aren’t sure about, chances are you move on to the next without letting the relationship unfold. We are in such a rush to get to the “end” – the relationship with the perfect partner – that we could totally miss someone who could be that, because we are derailed by what we think we want – good job, height, etc. – and not by what we actually want – someone who listens and understands who we are.

This takes time. This takes effort. I encourage all of you to date at a slower pace, and get to know each person. Love unfolds in front of you, sometimes when you least expect it - and more often, with the person you never would have expected.