Dating

A recent article in The Wall Street  Journal pointed out the importance of using correct grammar in your online dating profile. According to surveys done in recent years by dating websites OkCupid and Match.com, grammar is by far one of the most important aspects of an online dating profile. If you mix up “your” and “you’re,” many daters will move on to the next.

But why is this? Aren’t people more concerned with great photos, as we’ve seen with apps like Tinder and Grindr? Why should online daters care about how people write – it isn’t necessarily an indication of who they are in real life or how great a match they would be. Besides, aren’t most daters attracted to physical appearances rather than writing style?

Apparently not. Match.com found that 88% of women and 75% of men in their survey of 5,000 singles said they cared about grammar most, putting it ahead of a person’s confidence and teeth.

The WSJ attributed this trend to the rise of dating apps and the common use of text slang, with abbreviations like YOLO (You only Live Once) replacing standard phrasing and sentences. While messaging has now become more of a convenience than an art, grammar has fallen by the wayside, and one way to make yourself stand out among the millions of other daters out there is to approach communicating with someone as though you put in some effort. After all, most dating apps don’t require much more effort than a swipe.

In other words, think about your professional life and how much time and care you put in to communication with your bosses and co-workers. When you send an email to a group of work colleagues, chances are you spell-checked it before pressing the “send” key, and most likely it isn’t filled with acronyms for every common phrase. If you apply the same protocol to online dating, it might seem a bit formal at first, but it definitely scores you more points. The person receiving your message is more likely to take you seriously because it looks like you have put in more time and effort.

In other words, you come across as smart and caring. Thoughtfulness goes a long way.

Grammar has been important in the online dating scene for a while, even before the popularity of texting and dating apps made bad grammar much more common. Dating websites like Match and eHarmony encouraged users to use complete sentences in their profiles and check for spelling errors. Wouldn’t you be turned off if someone you didn’t know turned in a report or emailed you with a couple of brief sentences, rife with misspellings?

A little effort goes a long way.

We all know the heady feeling of passion – how it makes us feel and how we crave it in our love lives. There is the rush of emotion when you get a text from the object of your affection, or see him standing in front of you. There is that warm feeling that comes over you when you kiss, when you have sex, when you are wrapped up in each other. Desire, passion, lust – these are extreme emotional highs that we crave.

Maybe you’ve been on a few dates with someone who fills you with that passion. You’re already planning trips together, dreaming about how perfect he seems for you. You look forward to the relationship progressing, to moving in together, to him being “the one.” You fantasize about your love, and how he brings out such emotion in you.

Then a few weeks later, the sex isn’t so hot. He isn’t so attractive. He has this annoying habit of interrupting you every time you start to say something. His house is a mess and you feel like his mother when you clean up after him. He is still in touch with his ex girlfriend. He starts calling you less and less often, and isn’t so excited to see you anymore.

Needless to say, the seeds of passion have not brought the bloom of long-term love that you were craving in the first place.

When it comes to long-term relationships, these passion-filled romances don’t typically stand the test of time. They are intense, but like every high, at some point, you must come down. And then comes the true test of the relationship.

Long-term relationships require a deeper connection than passion. They often take a long time to grow. Which is why it’s not the best idea to reject dates who don’t bring out that passion you crave right away.

Passion isn’t just about heady, immediate lust. While that is always tempting to follow, it’s important to consider what you truly want: a life filled with short-term, intense flings? Or a long-term companion where love grows deeper?

Seeking long-term love as opposed to chasing passion isn’t about settling. It’s about understanding what you really want. It’ thinking about more than heady feelings of lust – but rather, about mutual respect, kindness and about having a real and lasting connection with a partner. Passion wears off no matter what relationship you are in, so you have to ask yourself: what is left after that? Do I even like the person I’m with?

What is it that I’m really hoping to have?

Most of us crave deeper connections. We don’t want someone who is just around for the good times, and takes off when things get rough or boring. We want someone we can trust, who we like, who makes us laugh, who respects and cares for us, who is committed for the long haul. This isn’t the stuff of passion – it is the stuff of deep relationships. Be clear about what you want before you keep chasing passion.

Online dating is a wonderful thing, but it is a double-edged sword in many respects. We can meet a lot more people this way, but having the ability to meet more people also means we have to suffer through a lot more bad dates. A LOT more.

Let me clarify – this isn’t a bad thing. It’s just the thing that people tend to complain about when it comes to online dating. “There are so many bad ones out there,” is the cry from most. But even if you only had one date a month, chances are you wouldn’t click with most of those dates either. The irony is, most people aren’t romantically suited for each other – a part of online dating that we must come to accept.

The point I’m making is this: you’ll have a lot of first dates. And by comparison, relatively few second dates.

This isn’t to say you are failing at online dating, or that there just aren’t many “good ones” out there. It just means that you (and other online daters) are meeting a lot of people at any given time, and most of them aren’t going to click with you. In fact, most won’t lead to a second date. And that’s okay.

Second dates mean that there is some chemistry felt on both sides, that there might be an opportunity to move forward into a relationship. If one person didn’t feel a connection on the first date, she probably isn’t willing to try again for date number two (although I believe we should error on the side of giving more people an opportunity for a second date, where they will likely be more “themselves” than on a first date). Chemistry is an elusive concept. It is something that is felt – and not always by both people.

If you aren’t getting many second dates and want a bit more success, there are a few things to consider changing. Number one – are you mixing up your meeting place? After a dozen coffee dates at your favorite coffee joint, things can get a little stale. Try branching out and doing something more creative, not necessarily more expensive. Go for a walk in the park or a hike. Try a wine tasting event or strolling a flea market. Try a more inspiring date and it might mean that you have more fun together in general.

If you are expecting instant chemistry or love at first sight with your dates, you’ll be waiting a long time. Most people don’t feel chemistry with someone until they have built up trust. If they do feel chemistry right away, it typically fizzles pretty quickly because you don’t really know each other. Don’t rely solely on your animal instincts. Instead, take things slowly, get to know the person sitting across from you, and don’t take it personally if there is no second date.

When it’s right, there will be many more dates after the second.

There is a temptation many online daters succumb to, perhaps without realizing it. While the point of online dating is to widen your social circles and meet people you otherwise wouldn’t meet in real life, there is unfortunately a timing issue.

Most people start communicating with their matches online before they make plans to meet in person. There is a “getting to know you” phase, complete with flirtations, shared intimacies, and lots of texts back and forth. For some, this process can go on and on for weeks before the two decide to meet in person.

By that time, anticipation has been built. Maybe you throw on your cutest outfit or favorite pair of heels, or style your hair for the occasion. You have butterflies in your stomach, excited to think how well you connected online – so surely you must also connect in person, right?

Not so much. Many online relationships fizzle by the time two people meet and discover that in person, there is just no chemistry between them. Certain personality affectations are hard to guage online, and people get a false sense of who the other person really is when they only communicate online.

For one, it is easier to fantasize when you aren’t seeing each other face to face. Maybe your date is really witty over text, but avoids eye contact in person. Maybe he’s painfully shy, or maybe he’s not exactly what you pictured in your head. Regardless, there is a gap between the person you fantasized about and the person sitting in front of you.

Secondly, people tend to cultivate a false sense of intimacy online. It’s easy to share more personal information when you aren’t looking each other in the eye. When you date in person, there is a more gradual build, as there is a certain level of trust that has to be gained before you open up. When you are only communicating online however, it’s easy to overshare. You can text at all hours, so there aren’t any boundaries for appropriate timing, or what you can feel free to say. Maybe you are more bold about flirting online, and would never say those things to someone in person. So what happens when you finally meet? There is a certain vulnerability that can make both people feel uncomfortable or awkward around each other, which can lead to a lack of chemistry.

And lastly, you don’t want to maintain an online relationship with someone who keeps putting off meeting you in person. They might not be who they claim they are. Do you really want to make an emotional investment in someone who isn’t eager to meet you in person, no matter the reason?

It is better to meet in real life sooner rather than later. Don’t build up an online relationship thinking it’s the same thing as actually dating. It’s not. Meeting face to face is the only way to assess how compatible and attracted to each other you are.

All of us have our own personal lists of dating “deal-breakers.” If you’ve been on a date recently, chances are you’ve encountered someone who did something you can’t accept – whether it’s spitting his food when he talked or grabbing your leg under the table – or maybe she lied about her weight in her online dating profile.

Some of these things are upsetting, and when they happen more than once, they can become dating deal-breakers.

Deal-breakers vary for all of us, but usually have to do with a lack of respect or consideration for the other person. We don’t like being lied to, talked down to, having our dates assume we are “DTF,” or any of an array of bad behaviors.

Details magazine recently polled fifteen women to find out their dating deal-breakers, and most shared a very specific experience that they are sure never to repeat. Sometimes, one person’s actions can leave such a bad impression that they become the benchmark for what you don’t want in a date.

It’s good to remind ourselves of what some typical deal breakers are when it comes to dating – so we can demand better behavior of our dates. It’s great to keep an open mind about everyone, but it’s also important to balance this with respecting yourself, your time, and your emotions.

Following are a few red flags to watch out for that you can consider dating deal-breakers:

She’s rude to waitstaff/ valet/ etc. If she refuses to tip the valet, gets testy with your waiter, or otherwise treats people in a rude or dismissive manner, this is a huge red flag. There’s no need to spend your time with someone who doesn’t see people as equals.

He leaves you hanging. Does he text you last minute only to cancel? Does he show up late every time you’re supposed to meet? Does he neglect to text or call? If he’s flaky, it’s not because he’s too busy, it’s because he is disrespectful on your time. Move on.

He is aggressive sexually. If he grabs your leg, your backside or other body part without your permission or against your wishes - or if he presses you for sexual favors when you’re not ready or not interested, walk away.

She talks a lot about the ex. Take the hint – if she’s not thinking about you on the date and talking about her ex, chances are she’s still hung up on him, even if her ex makes her angry. A date isn’t a therapy session, or a walk down memory lane. Time to go.

She is critical. Does she tell you what you should order, how you should dress, or what she expects? Nobody should be so controlling or demanding, especially when you’re just dating. If she makes you feel “less than,” run the other way – that’s a deal-breaker.

You'd be forgiven for thinking dating is an extrovert's game. With all the messaging and the meeting and the inevitable talking, dating sounds like an introvert's nightmare. The kind where you wake up screaming and then realize you've wet the bed.

But even the shyest of the shy need love and companionship, right? Online dating is for everyone, and in fact may even offer advantages for introverts.

First, online dating can be done from the comfort of your own home (or whatever space you're most comfortable in). Second, it doesn't involve any of the pressures of meeting via traditional methods, like striking up conversations with strangers or jostling for space in crowded bars. And third, it eliminates the pressure of needing to having insightful, witty, flirty conversations on the fly – all of your communication can be done thoughtfully, on your own time, over a series of messages.

With that in mind, here are 5 tips for introverts dipping their toes in the online dating waters.

1. Proceed at your own pace. Your friends are swiping like crazy and you'd almost swear they go on dates 10 days a week. Don't feel pressure to do the same. Go on one date a week, one date every two weeks – whatever works for you. And if it ever feels overwhelming, take a break.
2. Be honest in your profile. Own your introversion. You can outright call yourself an introvert in your profile or, if that's uncomfortable for you, indicate it in more subtle ways. Mention how much you value quiet time, or how happy you are curled up with a book. Drop enough hints and people will get the picture.
3. Choose your dating service wisely. Some dating services may be more suitable than others. A site highly focused on compatibility, like eHarmony, may make you feel more at ease. Or a service like Bumble, that only lets you communicate if mutual interest is established. Or perhaps a personality-specific niche site, like ShyPassions.com.
4. Screen carefully for compatibility. Isn't that what everyone is doing online? Well, yes, kind of, but this is about something very specific. If going out every weekend isn't your style, avoid profiles with tons of party pics. If, on the other hand, you're looking for someone to bring you out of your shell, perhaps the party pics are exactly what you need.
5. Share your interests. So you're not into loud clubs and vodka-soaked dance floors. That's OK. Tell people what you are interested in. You'll attract suitors who are interested in similar things and – added bonus – possibly have a first date built right in.