Communication

Online dating is more popular than ever thanks to dating apps like Tinder. Forget those long profiles written on your laptop, scrolling through matches in the privacy of your home. Now, online dating is a social event – you can swipe while you have drinks at the bar with your friend!

Online dating has become the go-to method for most singles looking for love, but that doesn’t mean people are getting the hang of it. In fact, dating apps have inspired more people to try online dating – but they might not be so successful in getting dates.

Here’s where hacks can be helpful in making your whole experience more successful:

Be active. Don’t just swipe once a week, or message only occasionally. In order to get more matches, you have to show that you are involved. Check in at least once a day, and start swiping and messaging. You will notice that your match list increases, too – when you are more active, you are presented with other more active members. The reverse is true for those who aren’t actively swiping.

Be discerning, but not too much. There is a trend among men of swiping right on every profile, because they hope to increase their opportunities. This isn’t so effective, because there are plenty of apps that do the mass swiping for you – which are recognized as bots. When you act like a bot, you get fewer matches. The reverse is true too – if you are too picky and swipe left way more often than right, you lessen your choices. (Remember, other users are swiping left, too.) Keep an open mind, with some boundaries.

Choose photos wisely. Don’t choose a bunch of group photos, or pictures of you in hats or sunglasses. Include some body shots and headshots without props, so your matches know what you look like. Also, think of photos as conversation starters – post a couple of you playing guitar or hiking in the woods so your dates get an idea of what you like without having to read the profile (which they might not even do unless they like the photos). And it’s a good idea to smile.

No endless messaging. Many dating app users make a mistake of messaging back and forth and creating an emotional connection online before meeting in person. What happens if there is no spark when you are sitting across from each other? Instead of investing in the online communication, try to get to the date sooner, so you can see if you click in real life. Remember, the dating app is only a tool to meet people – the rest is up to you.

Use it or lose it. That’s the motto men on Bumble will have to live by from now on. The dating app just announced that male users are now required to reply to women's messages within 24 hours or they lose the match.

Bumble has always been unique. At first glance, you’d be forgiven for mistaking it for Tinder 2.0 - but look closer and you’ll notice the key difference that has made the app a hit in its own right. Once a pair is matched on Bumble, only the woman can send a message. If she doesn’t do it within 24 hours, her match buzzes off into cyberspace, never to be seen again.

By requiring women to make the first move, Bumble takes a feminist stance and places power firmly in female users’ hands. The new update levels the playing field between the sexes even further by requiring men to respond within the same timeframe.

Bumble CEO Whitney Wolfe told Mashable that the goal was to make it an “even keel” experience. "She was held to 24 hours to reach out to you,” Wolfe said. “We feel it's only fair you're confined to the same rules." Previously, men had unlimited time to answer messages.

"I know the whole idea is that it's empowering women, but it also just puts the ball in the guy's court and starts a 'wait and see' game," New Yorker Lauren Drell told Mashable. "It means we need to rush but then a guy can take their time in replying back and vetting options."

Wolfe also says that by applying the 24-hour restriction to all users, they can't "rack up" their number of matches anymore - a common practice on other platforms. "It's helping objectify women less," she explained.

A final goal for the new rule is to prevent ghosting, an increasingly prevalent phenomenon in online dating. According to data from Fortune magazine, 80% of Millennials have been ghosted at some point. Bumble has found that the number of messages sent and chats initiated has significantly increased since the introduction of the time limit.

Male responses to female-initiated chats have gone up 18%, and a chat is 70% more likely to continue once there is a reply. The app has also witnessed a 9% increase in women sending the first message since men are replying to their initial message.

Bumble is confident that the good news will keep coming. Along with being the most frequently requested feature, says Wolfe, testing in the UK found that the male 24-hour timer increased response rate by 20%.

Many people are hesitant to try online dating, and it’s no surprise. Setting up a profile, messaging, meeting new people, making conversation, and trying to find connection can be a daunting (and time-consuming) process.

Even though meeting people online is extremely popular now with date-friendly apps like Tinder, the process can feel overwhelming or scary for the uninitiated. Or for those who have burned out from online dating, they might not want to go back to it. As a result, many people talk themselves out of online dating altogether – claiming they just aren’t ready to start meeting people. But is there something else going on?

Online dating can feel scary, especially if you are uncomfortable with dating in general or tend to be introverted or shy. You probably hear advice like “put yourself out there,” or “you have to meet a lot of people before you find the one.”

This is scary advice for someone who isn’t very social, or feels uncomfortable in social situations. It’s easy to advise singles that they need to put more effort into their searches, but what exactly does this look like for someone who hates networking events or bars, or feels uncomfortable making conversation?

Sometimes, we make excuses because we are afraid to face our fears. But let’s be honest – in order to find a great relationship, you have to be somewhat social. You have to talk to new people, or at least try to meet them, which is exhausting or even terrifying for introverts.

The key is taking baby steps, and to ease the pressure on yourself to find someone great. There’s no magic formula (contrary to what some dating experts say), so don’t assume that saying the right things or acting in a way that doesn’t feel authentic to you is the only way you’ll be successful. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Following are three small steps you can take today to ease you into dating with a little more confidence:

Set small social goals. It’s good to practise your social skills, even if you aren’t looking for a date. Attend a networking event that you normally would decline. Make a promise to yourself to talk to at least two people before you leave. When you achieve these small goals, you start to feel more comfortable when you date, especially with the initial small talk.

Enlist a friend’s help. Kind of like joining a running group to motivate you in training for a marathon, online dating with a buddy can help jumpstart your dating life. You can check in with each other to reach out to more people and try to set up a couple of dates a week. If that feels too much to you, then try one date a week. Go at your own pace – this isn’t a race.

Remember, it’s just a conversation. Online dating can feel very “official,” like you are both being judged and interviewed. You both know why you are meeting, so there is a pressure to form a connection. But remove yourself from that mindset for a moment. In order to actually form a connection, you can’t be scrutinizing everything. It’s important to be fully present in the moment. Take the pressure off yourself with the reminder that you are just having a conversation – nothing more or less. And then see where it goes.

Take care of yourself. Online dating can take a lot of energy, so it's especially important for introverts to replenish. Make time to do things you love - sports, painting, horseback riding, etc. Spend some time alone when you need to recharge. Know what works for you so you can feel your best when you're on a date.

Popular news comedy television show The Daily Show covered an interesting topic recently – sexual racism in online dating. In the segment, produced by Jessica Williams (Daily Show correspondent) and Ronny Chieng, the two explore what this term means, and how it affects so many online daters.

There are definitely racial stereotypes when it comes to sex and dating, both overt and subtle. Most of us think of attraction in terms of physical preferences. Many women prefer tall men or strong biceps for instance. Lots of guys prefer thin women, or women with blonde hair. Physical appearances are important in attraction, so it seems to follow that many daters would state their racial preferences on an online dating site, too.

But as the segment pointed out, having race preference in dating is a kind of racial discrimination. While you might prefer tall men or blonde women, chances are you are willing to date those who aren’t, or at least consider dating them. Many daters however refuse to date outside of their own racial preferences, going so far as to state in their online dating profiles that they won’t date people of a certain race.

This is where the term “sexual racism” comes in. Williams and Chieng interviewed Zach Stafford, a writer for The Guardian who noted: “When someone says something like, ‘I don’t date black people,’ talking about all black people, that would be referred to as sexual racism.”

There are some stereotypes that persist in American culture about who is considered “beautiful.” And some races are viewed in a negative way, especially African American women and Asian men.

Williams and Chieng also interviewed OkCupid Founder Christian Rudder, who studied many online dating trends for his book Dataclysm, race preferences included. “There is kind of a systemic racial bias pretty much in every dating site I’ve ever looked at,” Rudder said in his interview. “We found that 82 percent of non-black men have some bias against black women… And Asian men get the fewest messages and the worst ratings of any group of guys.”

For black women, there is the cultural perception among non-black men that they are not as pretty as white women. While this sounds hard to believe, in the segment, some daters admitted to receiving texts and messages saying just that. And for Asian men, the stereotype that many aren’t sexually endowed persists, despite it being a stereotype, making them the least messaged group on any dating app or site.

In fact, Williams posted a profile of Chieng on numerous dating apps to see what happened. She swiped right for every profile he was sent. He received no messages or matches in return, proving Rudder’s assertion correct.

Have you encountered sexual racism in online dating? How have you responded? We’d love to know – please leave a comment or send us an email.

Tinder has just released an update to its app. Now, Tinder users in New York City (where the new feature is being tested) can play "matchmaker" with other users by sharing profiles in their social networks outside of Tinder.

WIth the new feature, these users can share profiles of other users on messaging apps like Slack, Evernote, and Gmail, or social platforms like Linked In, Tumblr, GroupMe, and Wunderlist. Tinder users however are not able to share profiles over Facebook.

In theory, a matchmaking feature on Tinder makes sense because of the sheer volume of users - it expands your network and opportunities even more. The downside of this latest update is that other people on Tinder can take your profile, post and share it wherever they want, and you have no control.

People post their profiles on Tinder knowing that other users of the app can swipe and accept or reject them, but like with online dating sites where users don't necessarily want their work colleagues or family members to know they are signed up - swiping and matching has always been done within the confines of the app. Even though you sign up on Tinder with your Facebook account, and photos are pulled from your Facebook page, your activity on Tinder isn’t posted to your Facebook account for all to see. The two are kept separate for privacy. 

Our work and love lives have generally been kept separate for good reason. Let’s say you have a business meeting with some important clients, who are connected through your boss (and to you) on a platform like Slack or LinkedIn. You probably wouldn’t want them to know how you present yourself on a dating app – as it could be very different from your professional persona. In Slack, you can send a Tinder profile you received to your entire work team if you want. In LinkedIn, you can share the Tinder profile with the general LinkedIn public. (This might make for a good revenge plot if you are upset with a co-worker or an ex girlfriend.)

If you share over Wunderlist, you can essentially make the profile you are sharing part of your “to-do” list. If you want to save and read someone’s profile later, you can do this when you share with Pocket.

Once you share a profile, the recipient gets a link to open the profile in Tinder. If they don’t have an account, they are prompted to join in order to view. (The shared links expire after 72 hours or five clicks, so at least there is a limit on sharing one profile.)

New York is a testing ground for this app feature, so it might be tweaked before it’s launched to other cities.

Will this new feature work for Tinder users? It's hard to tell, but it definitely will make online dating not only more interconnected, but more complicated. When you blur the lines between public and personal and don't give people the capacity to maintain some control over their own profiles, chances are, they won't stick around.

Some break-ups are worse than others, but all break-ups can take a toll on our mental and emotional state. How many times have you chosen to distract yourself from the pain and sadness you feel? Probably more than you think – sometimes by going out with friends, drinking, or having sex, and other times by throwing yourself into work, a hobby or a new fitness routine.

Now, more and more of us are turning to dating apps to swipe and feel that little “rush” from matching with a new profile or engaging in some flirtatious messaging. And why not? It’s healthy to flirt, to meet new people, right?

Not necessarily. Using dating apps as a distraction – to swipe through endless profiles – can work against you and delay the healing process after a break-up. As a writer for website Bustle described it: “An unexpected match with an attractive guy would briefly pull me out from under the cloud of sadness, and it validated my future dating potential in the most superficial way possible. At the time, I knew that it was wrong for the approval of random strangers to mean more to me than the unconditional support from my friends and family, but I didn't want to stop swiping: the next match could always be better than the last…After the fleeting glow from a witty text exchange faded, the positive feelings about myself did, too.”

Distracting ourselves isn’t always the best thing for getting over a break-up. Healing is a process – it’s good to feel your emotions and come to terms with your broken heart. Healthy transformation comes from this process of sitting with pain so we can let go and move on. Distraction only serves to delay our healing.

Don’t get me wrong – it’s good to throw yourself into something healthy, like joining a new running group or growing that garden you always wanted. But when you try and ignore your feelings, opting for quick fixes like the rush from swiping through a dating app, it can backfire.

The “high” you feel from superficial interaction is fleeting, and can leave you feeling worse than you did before – and more likely to swipe. In fact, swiping can become a validation exercise, rather than a healthy way to meet dates. You don’t want to confuse the app itself with your ability to connect with people.

Our self worth doesn’t come from how many matches or messages we get, or how many opportunities we have to meet new people. We have to feel grounded in ourselves – confident in our abilities, independence, and worthiness – rather than dependent on what others think – especially random strangers over text.

So next time you are tempted to login to Tinder after a break-up because you are in desperate need of distraction or validation, call your friend and go out for dinner instead. You’ll be happier and healthier in the long run.