Profiles

Have you been online dating a while? Do you feel like you aren't getting matched with the right people? Are you sending emails that get no responses? Rest assured, it's not you. But there are a few things you can do to help garner more interest online.

Often people think if they post a couple of pictures and answer basic profile questions, and then potential dates will come running. But this isn't the case - for most of us, we have to put in some effort in order to reap the results. So how do you attract more people to you?

Following are a few tips that are often overlooked when creating a profile or sending email messages. If you take the time to do these, you'll see better results:

Tell a story. There is a phrase writers often tell each other when crafting a good story: "show, don't tell." This means, instead of just saying "I like to mountain bike," provide some detail. Talk about your trip to southern California and how you rode through treacherous canyons and encountered snakes or coyotes along the way. You get the point. Tell a story, don't just make a statement. Make it come alive - then you have a conversation starting point.

Send more emails. How many emails should you send to potential dates every week? Five, ten, or twenty? Try fifty. If you aren't getting responses, it's because you aren't reaching enough people. Not everyone is going to respond to your email, no matter how great your profile may be. Be careful to not be generic, though. If you don't have the time to craft a lot of emails, then make the few you do send really count. Read the profiles of your potential dates, and talk about something they mentioned. Make your email stand out.

Have a friend look at your profile. Sometimes we can't be objective when we're trying to sell ourselves. We either think we're bragging, or we don't see ourselves in a clear enough light. Leave it to your friends to help tell you all of your wonderful qualities, or to help steer you away from revealing too much or talking about your ex. They can give you perspective and help you to shine.

Use a catchy subject line in your emails. This is important but overlooked. "Hey what's up?" isn't going to draw attention anymore than a blank subject line. Instead, headline with something she said in her profile. "Scuba diving in Costa Rica?" or "Would love to meet a Dodgers fan" can help in getting your email read.

Avoid the negatives. Maybe you had a bad break-up, or maybe you know exactly what you want to avoid in your next relationship. But your online profile is not the place to communicate it. Focus instead on the things you DO want - your interests, your home life, what you like to do on weekends. It's a new relationship, after all.

It’s easy to over-inflate an online dating profile; we start writing, we get carried away on a stream of consciousness, and the next thing we know we’ve written a novella that suddenly seems necessary. Alas, most readers won’t find such length necessary, and they’ll move on after a glance. So how do we streamline our profiles? One fast and easy way: look for redundancy.

Redundancy doesn’t mean repetition within the profile, though of course that could be edited too. No, instead this requires a little thinking - not about yourself, but about your intended audience: those who have signed up on an online dating site.

Thus, the first, most redundant statement is probably something along the lines of: “I’m looking for love.” No kidding! So is everyone else. Now, there are exceptions; if you’re looking for something different from the general culture of the site, it’s best to spell it out. So if you’re looking for a one-night stand on a site that prides itself in matches ending in marriage, you might want to clarify your intentions. If you know you’re in the vast majority, however, it might be best to stay silent on the matter. Your profile’s very existence is doing the talking for you.

Similarly, when it comes time to talk about what you’re looking for, possibly the most redundant statement is a variation on the following: “I’m looking for someone attractive.” First, that’s another no-brainer - of course you’d like to date someone you find attractive. Secondly, it’s not a helpful statement: everyone’s definition of attractive is subjective anyway, so you’re not actually narrowing the field much. And finally, it can make you appear shallow; everyone values appearance, but you value it so much that you’re actually talking about it.

Talking about the physical side of romance in your profile is a related, and even less classy, cousin. When people say they’re looking for love, or a long-term relationship, everything that goes with that is implied (unless, again, you’re looking for something different from the norm). Specifying your skills or preferences in this arena is the equivalent of moving too quickly - or boldly propositioning someone in person before you’ve even said hello. Sure, it might work for some people in some circumstances, but understand the risks before you go that route.

Why is eliminating redundant statements important? Well, you’re shortening your profile, for one thing. By removing the bits that don’t need to be there, you’re highlighting what’s left. But also, because these concepts are so understood, when you leave them in you’re running the risk of coming across as cliched, cheesy, or crude. There’s nothing wrong with starting with a cliched statement to get the creative juices flowing - but when it comes down to the final draft, are you making redundant statements?

Chances are, you’ve heard that when it comes to an online dating profile, short and sweet is better than well-meaning but long-winded. First-contact emails are much the same; they shouldn’t be generic, but there’s no reason you can’t say what you need to in a paragraph or so. However, many people simply consider this a rule that must be followed. If we actually think about the reasoning behind this “rule,” it won’t only ensure that we won’t forget it; it might enhance our profile overall.

First, think about the experience of the reader, sitting behind their screen, somewhere across town. They’ve already looked at fifteen profiles, and here comes one that looks like one giant block of text. They scroll down... and down... and down. Who has time for that? It might be incredibly interesting, but they’ve already clicked away - they can view three profiles in the time it’ll take to read this novel.

“Well, I’ll only attract those who like to read, then,” you might be thinking. Perhaps - but in actuality those who are well-read have probably come to the conclusion that most random people on the internet aren’t the best writers. Again, you might be the exception, but you’re going against years of experience that’s taught them otherwise.

Next, consider that a profile that is exceptionally long is probably not a page-turner. So what’s creating that length? Chances are, a lot of filler. Also potentially some tangents. Unlike a conversation, in which you have immediate feedback and which naturally has twists and turns, when you’re writing a profile you only have your own stream of consciousness. Not exactly something you connect over.

Finally, imagine that your potential match is not across town behind their own screen; instead, they’re in person, standing next to you at a bar or a movie queue or some other place you’d naturally strike up a conversation. They approach you. What would you rather hear: a confident hello and a witty remark, or a five-minute summary of their life story?

Keeping a profile short and sweet isn’t about arbitrary word limits; it’s about creating an impact and avoiding unhelpful filler. When you next sit down to edit your profile, remember: you’re not submitting an entry to a literary magazine, you’re striking up a conversation. Does your profile reflect your purpose?

When you first sign up for an online dating site, it can be intoxicating - or overwhelming, depending on your perspective. All those choices! You’ve heard that there are plenty of fish in the sea, but suddenly you’re getting a true glimpse of what that can mean - zooming out until you’re looking at an entire ocean (and knowing you’re still only seeing a tiny fraction of what’s really out there). As tempting as it can be to just dive in or shut down altogether, remember that there are actually perks to zooming back in, and taking profiles just a few at a time.

First and foremost, there’s a glazing effect - meaning your eyes get glazed over after viewing a few too many profiles at once. Everyone starts to seem the same. Furthermore, your first-contact emails start to seem the same, too. We might all be tiny ants in this big ol’ world, but hardly anyone is comfortable being constantly reminded of it; nothing accomplishes that more than a copy-and-paste email.

Once everyone starts to sound the same, it’s even harder to keep track of those profiles you’ve viewed. Maybe someone caught your eye the other day, but you had to run out on an errand and didn’t have time to contact them then. Now, unfortunately, you can’t find their profile! You thought you remembered their name, but apparently not. And retracing your steps is next to impossible. It’s hard enough finding someone who really piques your interest, but potentially losing them before you’ve even sent an email is doubly frustrating.

An entire site of potential matches can be daunting, so a good way to manage profiles in small amounts is to make good use of your custom searches. Perhaps one day you look up a specific interest or keyword. Don’t bounce from once search to the next - you’ll only potentially confuse yourself. Instead, limit yourself to one or two specific searches a day, and commit to really reading those profiles. Keep a blank document open and list your keywords, as well as profiles you’ve found interesting (their usernames, perhaps with links to their actual profiles). Later on, if something seems vaguely familiar (maybe even on another site), you can at least check whether they’ve grabbed your eye before.

There’s nothing wrong with taking a broad approach to perusing profiles, but sometimes it can be difficult to give profiles the attention they deserve when you’re overwhelmed by the numbers. It’s fine to send out several first-contact emails - after all, it’s akin to saying hello - but make sure you can handle, and recall, those you’re contacting!

Nowadays, some online dating sites and apps are trying something new: instead of creating a brand-new profile, they just take information from your preexisting social media sites. For those who don’t like writing about themselves, this is something of a relief; they’ve already suffered through once, and that’s enough for them. However, before you sign up for one of these services, you might want to check what your social media actually says about you.

First of all, there’s the privacy issue. What, exactly, will this dating service pull from your social networks? Let’s say you had all your information set to friends-only - will you need to make certain information public for the app to work? Furthermore, if you didn’t want it public before, how comfortable are you with the same info being used on a dating site? For those who are vigilant about protecting their privacy, getting the answers to these questions is vital before signing up to a specific site, lest you reveal something you didn’t intend.

Next up is the content itself. If you have profiles on long-established social networking sites, there’s a large chance that your information is outdated and potentially cringe-inducing. Maybe your favorite quotes are no longer from that movie everyone loved to drunk-quote in college. Maybe your goals are no longer the same. Maybe you’re now embarrassed that you included your childhood paper route in your work history.

Yet another aspect to consider is social network sites that include pictures. These pictures might include some that are also old and outdated, or worse yet, have been uploaded by friends and don’t necessarily feature your finest moments. Perhaps they even feature past relationships. Granted, whenever you ‘friend’ someone on the social networking site, you’re giving them permission to see all this and more; however, you’ve probably at least met them in person by then and are prepared for that level of vulnerability. If you don’t normally make such pictures public, make sure you know what will be seen by potential dates.

On typical online dating sites, you’re encouraged to do ‘maintenance’ on your profile, to keep it fresh and interesting and ensure that it still creates the first impression you want. Before you sign up with a site that incorporates your social networking profiles, make sure you fully understand what you’re signing up for - and then make sure it sends an accurate, positive and up-to-date message.

eHarmony is one of the biggest dating sites in the biz. 438 eHarmony members marry every day in the United States, making the site responsible for nearly 4% of U.S. marriages.

Granted, that data comes from a 2012 survey conducted for the site by Harris Interactive, but I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. eHarmony clearly has a good thing going, and they must have learned a thing or two about finding love online over the course of their 10+ year history.

The eHarmony blog recently tackled the topic of profile-writing strategies to optimize interest from potential matches. These were their picks for the 10 things you should never write in an online dating profile:

1. Never dismiss online dating. It's a classic "Don't bite the hand that feeds you" thing. If you want to meet a date online, it's probably best if you don't start things off by insulting online dating and the people who try it. Just sayin'.
2. Never lie. You're bored of hearing this one, so I'll keep it short: your lies only last as long as the conversation remains online. As soon as you're face-to-face with a date, it's obvious that you're shorter, older, a different weight, etc., so don't bother pretending otherwise.
3. Never list what you're looking for money-wise or baby-wise in a relationship. I have to (partially) disagree here. Sure, money is probably a conversation better left for a future date, but if you are a parent or it's important to you that you're a parent in the future, I vote for putting it in your profile. There's no point in wasting time with dates who don't share your plans re: children.
4. Never use your profile to write about the ex. Treat your profile like a first date. Your ex is not an appropriate topic of conversation in either situation.
5. Never whine. No one's looking for a pessimist to add to their life. Complaining about singlehood, previous relationships, and your bad dating experiences is not going to win over potential matches.
6. Never ramble. Your profile should be complete, but it should not be a dissertation on your life. Keep it concise and interesting, and make sure you leave some discoveries left over for when you're actually on a date.
7. Don't be too vague or use too many clichéd phrases. You enjoy having fun and spending time with your friends? Wow, what a coincidence - so do I. And so does everyone else on the planet. Yawn. Fill your profile with details that actually reflect you as an individual.
8. Never divulge too much personal information. We're talking contact info, place of work, home address...anything that identifies you and your whereabouts so specifically is just begging for a stalker.
9. Never indulge the inner narcissist. Be clear about what you want in a partner, but phrase it nicely. Ditch the sentences about what you 'deserve.'
10. Never leave things blank. It makes a bad first impression. If you can't put the effort into filling out your profile, what kind of effort are you going to put into a relationship?

For more on this dating site you can read our review of eHarmony.