Profiles

They say variety is the spice of life, but perhaps the truth is even more extreme; it can be a sign of life. As human beings, we’re constantly changing; we do different things with our hair, we age, our face is constantly in motion with a range of expressions to match our varied emotions.

Now consider the type of photos that many of us choose for our online dating profiles. When you’ve experimented with “selfies” long enough, you start to notice that there are certain faces that you personally think makes you look more attractive. There might be certain angles that are more flattering, and proper lighting can make all the difference. Maybe you’ve discovered that some hairstyles work better on camera than others.

On the one hand, all this experimentation is good; if you learn what works for you, you’ll probably have more photos you’re happy with. On the other hand, take a look at the photos you opt to show others; you might find the variety is dwindling.

Do you see the same face, at the same angle, with the same slight smile in all your photos? Might want to rethink that. It’s not just that it’s sort of creepy seeing the same “face” over and over again; it’s that it’s probably not that representative of what you actually look like in person.

Consider how different a face looks when it’s serious and when it’s in a broad smile. Even a fake, “pretty” smile and a genuine, laughing-with-squinted-eyes can be vastly different. Would someone recognize you walking through the door if all they’d seen is one frozen expression?

When choosing the photos you’ll be using on your online dating profiles, consider that variety lends a more genuine, honest touch. Not every picture might showcase what you consider to be your best side; on the other hand, not every restaurant’s lighting is the most flattering, either. By including photos with a little variety, you’re demonstrating that you’re not afraid to be yourself, even when you’re not airbrushed to perfection. The reader will feel more of a connection to you; even better, your date won’t be shocked the first time you crack a different expression.

On the internet, we tend to be skeptical of anything that looks too good to be true - because, quite frequently, it is. Thus, when you encounter a profile that seems to hit all the right notes with you, it’s not a bad idea to copy and paste a bit into an internet search; is this really a great writer or a one-size-fits-all winner?

Don’t be shocked if your search returns more than one hit; after all, many people sign up for multiple sites, and it stands to reason that they’d crib from their own work for at least some of it. However, if the name, location, and general stats are all drastically different, but the profile itself is identical, it might be time to ask some difficult questions.

That being said, every plagiarized work has to come from somewhere, right? It may not be incredibly likely that you’ve stumbled upon the original author, but the chance does exist. If you’re willing to give your potential match a chance regardless of their questionable profile ethics, tread carefully and critically - do your email interactions sound like the same “voice”? Does this person display any other red flags you might otherwise normally ignore? You can also try the direct approach: ask them point-blank, “Are you aware this profile is used elsewhere on the internet in x different locations?”

If your profile has been sitting unchanged for some time, there’s also a chance you’ve unwittingly been copied elsewhere. Try doing a search for your own profile; you might be surprised at what comes up! The chance of being mistaken for a plagiarizer, or worse, a scammer, is yet another reason to update your profile regularly. And eluding a search engine shouldn’t be your only focus; your profile may have been great when you first wrote it years ago, but does it accurately reflect who you are today? Remember, you want someone to be interested in you as you are now, not a previous version.

An internet search engine seems like an unlikely companion in online dating, but it can be a great ally. Not only can it be an aid in assessing your own gut instincts, it can prevent you from some embarrassment of your own.

Some people causally use terms of endearment. Everyone is a “sweetie,” a “hon,” a “dear.” These rare people manage to use such terms with people they’ve just met - and, even more surprisingly, they never come off as condescending. There’s just something in the tone, in the expression: not a hint of malice.

However, if those very same people were to write a profile or a first-contact email, and they didn’t make any modifications, they’d quite possibly come off as annoying, patronizing or even offensive.

The issue is similar to that of using humor in a profile: you lose so much when you erase the tone of voice, timing, or facial expression that it’s easy to get the wrong idea. It’s true that some people can get away with using affectionate titles at first meet - but that’s because they’re using the entire package, not just the words themselves.

Furthermore, a first meeting in person is just not the same as a first-contact email. Even in person, simply standing in the same room is not a free pass to get familiar. Using an affectionate nickname at the end of a night of conversation is one thing; putting your arm around someone and calling them “sweetie” before you’ve even been introduced is quite another.

That’s essentially what you’re doing when you start a first-contact email in a way that’s overly familiar; you’re jumping over natural steps, forcing a connection when there isn’t one yet. No matter how compellingly a profile is written, you can’t really know someone until you’ve met in person for at least some amount of time. And, equally importantly, they can’t really know you. Not yet.

In person you may well feel an instant connection, like you’ve known each other for years. You may move more cautiously, taking things slow, revealing more of yourself when you’re ready. You may find that you’re on a date with a pleasant person and nothing more. The key is, you won’t really know if calling someone “hon” is appropriate until you’ve met. And honestly, even then, not everyone really is a “hon.” Some names fit better than others, and your date doesn’t want to be a one-size-fits-all.

So as you write your first-contact emails, remember that you’re dealing with a stranger, no matter how inviting their profile was. You can be warm and friendly, yet still polite and appropriate. There’s plenty of time to get familiar later; enjoy this stage as well.

We spend a lot of time thinking about what to put in our online dating profiles. After all, we’re trying to encapsulate our entire personality, with multiple facets, into a few paragraphs. It’s a task we take seriously, so perhaps it shouldn’t come as a surprise that our profiles can get a little, well, serious.

So much of online dating is actually introspective: what am I really looking for? What kind of person am I, really? What are my strengths and weaknesses? This type of thought is truly a positive thing, and a wonderful way to let you figure out your priorities and send you on the path to a successful relationship. That being said, while it can be an excellent writing exercise, your deep thoughts do not have to be on your profile, published for the world to see.

Here’s the thing: no one’s expecting to have a life-changing moment from a profile. They’re not going to have an epiphany about life, or fall instantly in love. In fact, you don’t want someone to fall instantly in love with your writing; you want them to fall in love with you, when you meet in person. The writing’s just to reassure them that you sound like you might have a good time together if you meet.

This is, incidentally, the reason why you also strive to keep a first-contact email short and sweet. Too long and you’re likely trying to forge a connection that doesn’t need to be there yet. By limiting the first-contact email to a few sentences, you’re forced to keep the content light and fun.

You can’t predict whether you’ll ultimately have chemistry with a given person, so when you’re agreeing to that first date, would you rather have fun, or be greeted with intensity and probing questions? The profile is hinting that the date will go one way or the other.

So as you write your profile and first-contact emails, try to keep the gloom, doom and introspection to a minimum. It doesn’t mean you’re presenting a shallow facade, nor do you have to change your actual behavior. Think of it this way: working through problems in therapy is wonderful - but you don’t need to relay every step of that on your profile, either. Why not let readers see the polished, enlightened final product instead?

There are two common problems in online dating profiles. The first is sarcasm; the second is blunt honesty. Neither of these are a surprise; what is a surprise is that they’re essentially the same problem - with a very similar solution.

There’s nothing wrong with the concept of sarcasm in general. Dry wit can be very funny, and usually when people call themselves sarcastic they’re envisioning a sense of humor that is smart and sharp and, well, funnier than most people. They likely view it as an asset.

However, that’s not always the actual message they’re sending. “Sarcasm” can be abrasive, hurtful, and cynical. It can be a way for someone to be out-and-out mean whilst trying to avoid any consequences (“Sheesh, don’t you understand sarcasm?”). And even if they temper the sharp edges of their humor in person, it can often seem worse on a profile - you’re lacking the kind eyes, the softer delivery, the smile or goofy face, the tone of voice. Everything seems harder in writing.

Honesty is much the same. In general, honesty is a wonderful quality to have. Those who are honest are generally proud of it. They see themselves as genuine, compassionate, someone with integrity.

But honesty can be misused as well, and it can come across negatively on a profile - again because you’re lacking additional context. Perhaps the writer has the best “bedside manner” when it comes to delivering a hard truth, but all you see in the profile is, “I’m not afraid to tell it like it is.” In person, you might believe that someone really cares and respects their friends and the greater truth; on paper, they might look more like someone who enjoys delivering painful news.

Both qualities can come across as harsher than intended on a profile, because they’re both subtle arts - skills that require sensitivity, elements of tone and facial expression. You can’t really include that in a profile. However, if these are qualities that really help define you - ones that you absolutely must talk about - try to soften the writing as much as humanly possible. It may seem like overkill, but your true sense of humor or genuine personality will probably be immediately apparent upon meeting; try not to shoot yourself in the foot first, with a profile that’s less compassionate or funny than you intended.

So, you’re constructing your online dating profile, and it’s time to select pictures. You’ve got a few nice-but-bland shots of your head and not much else, and you want to jazz things up a bit. You want to demonstrate your interests, paint a broader picture of who you are, share a peek into your world. This is absolutely the right track to be on - which makes it all the more disheartening when someone goes astray. And they can, quite easily.

When it comes to choosing pictures, remember two key elements: yourself, and action. Perhaps one photo of some scenery from your trip to Europe is acceptable, particularly if you’re proud of the photo you took yourself, but understand that it’s not going to be incredibly interesting to the viewer; if they want a pretty photo they can find tons of stock images online.

However, a picture of you standing in front of Stonehenge is a horse of a different color! Suddenly you’re telling a story about who you are. You’re sharing a day you enjoyed. You’re proving you were actually there and not just using stock photos. Since it’s candid, you probably look much more natural, more accurate to real life, and even possibly more attractive than a carefully staged “selfie.”

The same two elements apply when you’re talking about a hobby instead of traveling. Sure, you might not think “action” when you think of knitting, but taking pictures of the latest sock you made will suck the life out of it even more. Instead, try posting a picture of you modeling the first sweater you ever crocheted - even if you’re laughing at how it turned out. Maybe especially if you’re laughing.

We want to see you fishing instead of your catch of the day. Maybe you’re being silly, peering around the stacks in the library or over the top of a novel, instead of a stack of what you’re reading. Remember: just because a picture is a hit on your social networking site doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll work for your profile. Your friends and family already know you; they’re content with just seeing your shoes and some fall leaves. Your relationship with a potential match hasn’t progressed that far yet.

So as you choose the images you’ll use in your online dating profile, make sure the picture really is telling a story, and not just part of one. Some stories are best saved for later; in the beginning, the potential match doesn’t necessarily care about the details of your hobby - but they’ll care that you clearly enjoy it.