Profiles

Sometimes it seems like there are more people claiming to be experts on dating than there are actual people dating.

(Do I fit into that category? Don’t answer that. Let me retain my illusions of usefulness.)

Most of them are probably hacks making things up or regurgitating tired advice they read in Cosmo, but a few - a special few - are genuine experts who deserve their guru status. And few fit that description better than Christian Rudder, the data whiz behind OkCupid’s legendary OkTrends blog and recent author of a piece in The Guardian.

“I have led OkCupid’s analytics team since 2009, and my job is to make sense of the data our users create,” Rudder writes. “As people bring technology deeper and deeper into their lives, it can show us profound and ridiculous things about who we are as human beings.”

Anyone else loving the sound of “profound and ridiculous” as much as I am? I have to know: what exactly does OkCupid know that we normal folks don’t? Rudder was kind enough to offer a few examples:

1. Women have a sensible approach to ageing. You wouldn’t know it from watching The Real Housewives, but apparently women are actually pretty down-to-earth about the ageing process. At least where choosing a partner is concerned. On the whole, at every stage of her life, a woman prefers a man who is roughly as old as she is. On the other hand…
2. Men get older, but they don’t really grow up. It sounds like a tired stereotype, but in this case it seems to be true. Whether men are in their 20s, 30s, 40s - or even at 50 - they strongly prefer women in their early 20s. 20 and 21 are the most favored ages, though a few men are willing to go as high as 23 or 24. Yikes.
3. White people are really obsessed with their hair. After looking at 3.2 billion words of profile text, Rudder found that the top five phrases for white men and women include multiple references to their hair (plus prog-rock and outdoor activities). For other large racial and ethnic groups on OkCupid, hair is rarely a topic of discussion. For example:

• Black men: dreads, Jill Scott, Haitian, soca, neo soul
• Latino men: Colombian, salsa merengue, cumbia, una, merengue bachata
• Asian men: tall for an Asian, Asians, Taiwanese, Taiwan, Cantonese

For more dating secrets from OkCupid's resident data expert, stay tuned for Part II and check out Dataclysm: Who We Are (When We Think No One’s Looking).

Is there any place more filled, teaming, brimming with boring clichés that online dating? Even most Hallmark cards aren't this cheesy.

This probably doesn't come as a shock, but I'll say it anyway: your clichés aren't impressing anyone. If you want to find a date online, you have to stand out from the crowd – not sound like everyone else in it. Next time you’re tempted to type one of the following phrases, don't.

• “No baggage.” Not only is this boring, it's also kind of rude and unrealistic. A human being with no baggage doesn't exist. Yes, that includes you. How can you expect someone to have no "stuff" in their past when you have stuff of your own? What “no baggage” really means is “I’m setting myself up for perpetual disappointment” or “I’m not actually ready to date another Homo sapien.” (But, um…hopefully you’re not planning to date anything else, either.)
• “Knight in shining armor.” We're back to that "perpetual disappointment" thing again.” This is yet another totally unrealistic expectation, not to mention a completely outdated concept. Have you forgotten what year this is? This is 2014, not 1420. In this century, we like relationships to be a little more equitable and the “battle of the sexes” should no longer be a battle. No battle means no armor needed.
• “Looking to make friends.” Friends are great. I love friends. You love friends. Everyone loves having friends. But a dating site isn't the place to meet them. Putting this phrase in your online dating profile is bound to bring up more questions than it answers. Does this person not have any friends already? Why not? What's wrong with them? Are they lying to seem coy or unthreatening? Do they really know what they want?
• “I don’t take life too seriously.” In other words, you're totally directionless and coasting through life. It's not that life should be taken seriously all the time – because it shouldn’t – but if there's any aspect of life about which you ought to be serious, it's probably your partner. Shouldn't finding love with someone special be one of the most serious quests you undertake? If what you mean by this phrase is that you're fun, adventurous, full of humor, etc., then find a different way to show it.
• “My _____ is/are everything to me.” Fill in the blank. It could be a pet. It could be children. It could be your career. Whatever it is, what it says to potential dates is "You're competing for second place…at best.” Way to make someone feel special.
• “I’m bubbly.” Are you champagne? In that case, great. If not, everyone knows that’s code for “loud and annoying.”

If you want to put your best foot forward and drum up the most interest from potential partners, you won't be surprised to learn that it all comes down to your profile photo.

Okay, not all of it. Some people do actually read the words you painstakingly chose. But let's be real: the profile pic is the first thing someone sees, and it has a lot to do with how well you sell yourself online.

Before you start contemplating plastic surgery, remember that the perfect profile picture isn't about conventional beauty. There are plenty of other factors that go into a photo that catches eyes, and none of them have to do with how well you apply eyeliner or how much time you spend in the gym.

Zoosk conducted a study of 4,000 online daters and discovered some of the more unexpected elements that attract attention online:

• Yes, your pet is cute, but your furry friend is not helping you find a date. Photos with animals lower the average number of messages received by 53% for both men and women.
• Posing with human friends also lowers your average – by 42%.
• Women get a 60% boost in messages received if their profile picture is taken indoors.
• On the other hand, men get 19% more messages if their photo is taken outdoors.
• A full body shot is must, regardless of your gender. It'll give you a 203% bump in your incoming messages average.
• Ladies: your selfies earn you 4% more messages. Gentlemen: sorry, your selfies lower your incoming average by 8%.

What you're seeing here are some similarities, but also a couple of key differences. Take that last one: why is it we think it's normal for women to take selfies, but think it's vain for men to do the same thing? Shocker – we have double standards were beauty and gender norms are concerned.

Those double standards continue into the text of the profile. Zoosk's research came to the unsettling conclusion that honesty is the best policy for men, but that women should keep their mouths shut about the big issues until later on. Looking at the data, Zoosk found that:

• The words "separate" and "divorce" up men's incoming messages by 52%. Mentioning children means another 7% boost.
• For women, on the other hand, mentioning the same words causes the incoming messages average to drop by 7%.

So what does that mean? Does that mean women should hide their pasts while men should celebrate them? Does it mean that online dating is fundamentally broken?

What it really means, more than anything, is that online dating sites serve as a microcosm of society as a whole. Regardless of gender, double standards are firmly in place – and we'll never beat them online until we beat them offline.

For more on the dating site that commissioned the study you can read our review of Zoosk.

Anyone who says online dating isn’t tough is either lying, delusional, or hasn’t actually ever touched a computer before. As easy as it is to create a profile and start clicking through potential dates, actually finding someone you connect with can be a challenge. Dating is hard, therefore online dating is hard.

Occasionally you find yourself in a rut. Or maybe you haven’t even started in the first place. Either way, there are things you can do today – right now – to give your online dating experience a much-needed boost.

1. Start! What’s stopping you? Are you still worried online dating might not be for you? You won’t know until you try. Take the plunge.
2. Give your profile a makeover. When was the last time you updated your profile? Can you remember the last time you looked at it? Actually, can you even remember what you put on it in the first place? You are constantly evolving and your profile should be too.
3. Delete all the mirror selfies. You have friends. Get them to take your picture instead. No one cares what your bathroom looks like or what you wear to the gym.
4. Upload a silly picture instead. Professional headshots belong in two places only: on your LinkedIn profile and in a casting director’s hands. No one is looking to date a carefully crafted (and probably Photoshopped image) – they want to date the real you. Someone with a personality. Show it off in a fun, free-spirited snap.
5. Ask a friend to be your online dating support system.  Online dating can be intimidating, but nothing cuts down on the intimidation factor like having a trusted friend by your side. Motivate each other to keep meeting new people whenever the going gets tough.
6. Be proactive. Don’t wait for someone else to make the first move. Take action! Your potential pool of dates expands rapidly as soon as you start initiating conversations instead of waiting for others to do it. You may not always get the response you want, but you’ll gain confidence from knowing that you tried.
7. Set goals. As with most things in life, you achieve more when you set goals for yourself. Have you seriously thought about what you want out of your online dating experience? If you’re not sure, how can you find the person who will give it to you? Write down your goals – both short-term and long-term – until you have a clear picture of what you’re looking for.

Even the most open-minded singles come to online dating with preconceived notions about who’s on the other side of the screen, but AYI.com is here to put those speculations to rest.

AYI collected data from some of its 50,000 active UK members to find out exactly who the average user is. Though technology might seem like a young person’s game, you may be surprised to learn that the average age of a male online dater is 44 and the average age of a female online dater is 42. Perhaps the younger generations have all migrated to Tinder and other mobile dating apps, preferring to search for love on-the-go on their smartphones.

Where appearance is concerned, there’s no shortage of online dating horror stories. But is it really as bad as it seems? Sure, not everyone is Ryan Gosling, but they’re not Gollum either. According to AYI’s research, the average height of a male online dater is 5’10”, while the average height of a female dater is 5’4”. Both men and women claim to be “about average” where body type is concerned. Admittedly, an “average body” is a completely subjective concept, but it’s also exactly what you’d expect if you’re trying to construct a profile of the “average online dater.”

There are also other ways in which average male daters and average female daters sync up. Both say they drink “socially,” exercise “once or twice per week,” never smoke, and have an average diet. See? The sexes aren’t so different after all.

Where some things are concerned, anyway. The average man and woman start to diverge when their personal history and family plans come into play. The average male online dater has never been married before, but the average female dater is searching for a new romance after going through a divorce. And because the average woman has already been married, she also typically has multiple children and says she isn’t interested in having any more. The average man, on the other hand, is not a parent and says he may consider having kids someday.

Career-wise, AYI members have plenty of options to choose from - from teacher, to civil servant, to retiree. But despite the wealth of options, most people select “other profession.” Which pretty much means one of three things: 1) They have an embarrassing profession, 2) They’re wealthy and don’t want to be judged by their money, or 3) They’re a super spy.

Personally, I’m going to be hoping for #3.

The Internet has been afire recently with the news that both Facebook and OkCupid have experimented on their users. Both companies have apologized or pseudo-apologized for their actions, while being careful to note that such online experimentation isn’t uncommon.

OkCupid took it one step further in their non-apology, candidly declaring that “if you use the Internet, you’re the subject of hundreds of experiments at any given time, on every site” and revealing two more experiments they’ve conducted on users.

The first was born out of OkCupid’s short-lived blind date app. To celebrate the app’s release, OkCupid removed all the photos from the site on launch day. During those seven photo-less hours, OkCupid noticed some interesting things:

• Users responded to first messages 44% more often
• Conversations were deeper
• Contact info was exchanged more quickly

In short, OkCupid functioned better without pictures. When the photos were restored, the conversations that had started blind melted away. “The goodness was gone,” notes the blog post, “in fact worse than gone. It was like we’d turned on the bright lights at the bar at midnight.” The blind date app revealed a similar phenomenon. When users got to the date, they had a good time more or less regardless of how physically attractive their partner was. “Basically,” the post reads, “people are exactly as shallow as their technology allows them to be.”

In a related experiment, OkCupid decided to test its original rating system that allowed users to judge each other on two separate scales: Personality and Looks. “Our thinking was that a person might not be classically gorgeous or handsome but could still be cool,” the blog explains, “and we wanted to recognize that, which just goes to show that when OkCupid started out, the only thing with more bugs than our HTML was our understanding of human nature.”

After gathering the data, OkCupid found that “looks” and “personality” were essentially the same thing to users. They ran a second, direct experiment to confirm their hunch that people just look and pictures and ignore profiles. A small sample of users were shown profiles that did not contain text, resulting in two sets of scores for each profile: one score for the picture and text together, and one for the picture alone.

The results were predictably disheartening: text is less than 10% of what people think of you. The blog says it best: “your picture is worth that fabled thousand words, but your actual words are worth…almost nothing.” Ouch.