Advice

It’s not unusual to hear dating referred to in terms of hunting some exotic animal. Whether you’re talking about watering holes frequented by the single, ways of talking guaranteed to bait the unsuspecting, or being flanked by friends aiding you in the hunt, it can feel more like you’re heading out into the Serengeti than to meet a new friend.

And that’s exactly what we have to keep in mind - that you’re looking to meet a new friend with whom you also share romantic chemistry. You’re not looking for a trophy to put on your wall, or an exotic pet to take home. Perhaps you’ll share some “animal attraction,” but that should be where comparisons to the animal kingdom end.

Neither are you meeting with a member of some tribe with a completely different culture and language. Chances are, when you head out to your first date - especially one you’ve met through an online dating site - you already have a few things in common. You might even already have the spark of a potential connection.

Why, then, do so many treat dating like a Most Dangerous Game? If you had moved to a new town and wanted to make some new buddies, would you approach that like a safari? No, chances are you’d keep your eyes open when you frequented places and events you were interested in, and strike up conversations with people who seemed like they’d potentially be fun to be with. People want to get along; they want to find people who “get” them; they want to belong. Unless you happen to be dealing with someone with a massive chip on their shoulder, dating is not so different.

So as you head out on your first date, or even randomly approach someone new, remember: you’re not Teddy Roosevelt in Africa, and you’re not a spaceman making first contact with a being from another world. Approach them like you’d approach making a new friend; try to make a good first impression, but still be true to yourself and your personality. If you’re compatible, and you share an attraction, that’s really all you need. Leave the pith helmet and the khaki vest at home.

Everyone’s pretty much familiar with the various “clever” ways of taking a self-portrait. Probably most familiar is an angle popularized by a certain social networking site, and favored by women - the camera is held above head height, pointing down at the face (and often, down the shirt as well). As it grew in popularity, however, it became a bit of a cliche (thankfully - the bobble-head look is neither accurate nor especially attractive!). Unfortunately, the men seem to have come up with their own cliche pose - but this one could actually put off your viewers!

I like to refer to this pose as the “up-the-nose.” It is the direct opposite of the “bobble-head look”; the camera is held somewhere below the height of the face, and is pointed upward. There are a few reasons why someone might possibly favor this pose: since it’s at a strange angle, the nose and the jaw line is somewhat distorted. Thus, if someone was self-conscious about their nose or their chin, taking a photo where you can’t determine what it really looks like might be an attractive option - at least in theory.

In practice, there is so much wrong with this pose. From an aesthetic standpoint, the forehead is tiny and the chin is huge. The nose is reduced to a pair of nostrils, almost like a pig snout. But what’s even worse are the psychological implications for the viewer.

By placing the viewer “below” the subject, it appears that the subject is looming above, looking down at you. While the subject might feel this makes him look powerful or tall, in reality it can make the viewer feel intimidated or that the subject is attempting to dominate them. In short, it’s a good way to send a message that you’re on some kind of power trip - without ever saying a word.

Which is a shame, really, because it’s possible that these photos stem from nothing more than the fact that the web cam is placed at an unfortunate height and it never occurred to them to fix it.

Thus, if you or someone you know is suffering from “up the nose” shots, do your best to eradicate this poor excuse for a self-portrait! Perhaps a little gentle education might be best; most people don’t actually intend to intimidate or turn off their readers, and they’d probably be all too happy to fix the problem. Remember: we want to see what you really look like. A genuine smile and happy eyes will let the real you shine through, and is always far more flattering to the nose or chin than a pinhead “up the nose” picture.

When tips for writing your online dating profile are discussed, knowing what you want is usually first and foremost. It’s important to really know who you are - your flaws, your strengths, what attracts you - so that you can better figure out what you require to be happy, and thus more easily find someone who would make a great match. Because, after all, you’re looking to become one half of a pair, and how can you find your literal “other half” if you’re not sure what you’re working with in the first place?

And yet.

Sometimes we’re absolutely sure of what we want, what we need, what we’re looking for - and then we meet someone that turns all that on its head. Simple chemistry and matters of the heart completely eclipse our logic.

Note: I’m not talking about someone who is “bad” for you, or someone who directly contradicts what you know you need. No, I’m talking about someone who possesses qualities you didn’t even know you needed, or didn’t think actually existed, until you met someone with them. Someone who doesn’t rewrite your rules, but suddenly fleshes them out better and differently than you could have imagined.

Maybe you’re completely self-aware and you don’t need such redefinition of your rules. Still, the possibility of meeting someone outside your box, someone who expands your worldview and your love view, still exists. So when you’re perusing the profiles of others, when you’re scanning through emails you’ve received, keep one small part of your heart open to considering someone different. One date is, on the whole, not that great a sacrifice to have a new experience, and even if you don’t find love, you might learn something new about yourself.

After all, if all we’ve ever been served is oatmeal, how will we ever know if we’d love cake, unless we try some?

There are certain basic rules we try to follow when we’re on a date – like being on time, chewing food without spitting it in the other person’s wine glass, and refraining from talk about the ex. But what about your mobile phone? What are the rules for texting or answering calls while on a date?

Many people feel that they have to have their phones near them at all times, in case that very important call comes in. Maybe your date sits down at the table across from you, and the first thing he does before asking you how you are or what you’d like to drink is – he takes his phone out of his pocket and places it on the table.

Now it’s a three-way date: you, him, and his phone. Maybe it will ring or buzz. Then what? Will he pick it up and take the call? Will he text people all during dinner, interrupting your conversation? Or will he let it buzz away, with both of you shifting uncomfortably in your seats as you try to avoid looking at it?

Needless to say, it’s not a great way to start a date, or to get to know each other. When you have your phone out and ready to receive texts or calls, you’re effectively telling your date, “you’re not that important,” even if you’re expecting an important call from work or from your family member or friend. While you might think your job trumps your date, this thinking going to work against you. She will likely believe you’re making yourself seem more important than you are, and that’s not very attractive.

If you do have a work or home emergency, then make it clear to your date that this is why you need to check your phone if it rings. But if you know to expect that emergency call while you’re out, it’s a better idea to reschedule the date when you’re less distracted or anxious.

Before mobile phones became a necessary part of our lives, we had to wait until we got home to check our answering machine messages, which wasn’t such a bad thing. Will the world fall apart if you don’t return that text right away or don’t answer that call? After all, who you’re with should be your focus on a date, not who might call.

So the best thing to do? Keep your phone in a jacket pocket or in your purse – out of sight. And turn the ringer off.

Perhaps you’ve decided to jump into the online dating pool. You’ve chosen your site, you’ve written a profile you don’t hate, and you’ve even gotten a few messages. You’re pretty satisfied... until you repeatedly read that you should update your profile from time to time. What! More work? Why mess with perfection? Isn’t adding something new - something that hasn’t been scoured and re-edited - asking for trouble? And if someone has already seen your profile, haven’t they already made up their mind? Why would they come back and look again?

While at first glance, it might be best to let sleeping profiles lie, that’s not actually usually the case. There are many reasons why it can be beneficial to switch up your profile. The first and most obvious of these is to update outdated information. If you have a few dates that turn into a little more - say relationships of two to three months - an entire year or more could add up very quickly. Suddenly your profile is talking about how you can’t wait to see last year’s summer blockbuster. And since it’s been awhile since you’ve sat down and really read the thing, you don’t even remember the “Winning!” reference you threw in that isn’t quite so topical anymore.

The impulse here might be to write a profile from the start that is a “classic” - one with no dated references or anything that could pin it to a specific time. While that’s not a bad idea for the majority of the profile, it’s actually good to throw in something that is very obviously “now,” even if it’s just the last movie you saw or book you read. It makes the profile feel alive, like you could have been on just a few minutes ago, instead of making a web site for posterity. The downside, of course, is that is needs to be maintained - so to make it easy on yourself, try to keep your current references all in one section that you can easily scan and change.

Some might think that once their profile is read, the reader will never be back if they’re not interested immediately. Not necessarily! Many sites will list when you last updated (again, another reason to keep up-to-date) and bump you to the top of the search list. Particularly if you live in a large city, the reader won’t remember every profile they’ve seen, and visit some more than once - especially if you’ve switched up your default picture. Thus, there’s no reason not to update or upgrade on occasion. And speaking of pictures, remember that those can get dated too, especially if the picture was already a year or two old to begin with!

It’s great to carefully edit and come up with a profile that really feels like you, but don’t feel paralyzed once you have it. Just as you are constantly learning, changing, and redefining yourself, so too can your profile. You shouldn’t let anything box you in and keep you from expressing who you are today - least of all your own words!

We are smack-dab in the middle of summer now, which means it's time for dates to get a little more creative. Dinner and a movie may sound good when it's pouring buckets outside or dropping several feet of snow, but unless you're faced with blizzards and thunderstorms, you should be thinking outside the dinner-and-the-cinema box.

Take advantage of the warmer weather by letting your outdoorsy side take the lead for your romantic rendezvous. Here are a few great summer date ideas:

1. Pack a picnic. It's kind of like dinner and movie, but with homemade food and real life people-watching instead of a cheesy rom-com. A picnic offers more opportunity for conversation than catching the latest theatrical release, plus it's the perfect chance to show off your skills in the kitchen.
2. Go for a bike ride. It's a workout and a date all wrapped into one! It's also an opportunity to be a tourist in your own city, and see the sights from a new perspective. If you really want to make it memorable, you can even rent a "bicycle built for two."
3. Go horseback riding. You like the idea of going for a ride, but biking isn't for you. Then try a horse instead. There's something undeniably romantic about horseback riding - just think of the irresistible knight in shining armor.
4. Spend an afternoon on the water. If you want a relaxing date, rent a boat and go for a cruise. If you want a date that doubles as a workout, try a canoe or a kayak. If you want to test your date's daredevil cred, go whitewater rafting.
5. Take a hike. Find a scenic local route and invite your date to explore it with you. Enjoy the resident flora (and maybe even a bit of fauna) while getting to know each other. You may even have a chance to impress your date with knowledge from your scouting days.
6. Try rock climbing. Dating experts always suggest indoor rock climbing as a creative date idea, but why do it indoors when you could do it outside? It may require an intro class if you and your date don't already have climbing experience, but what's wrong with that? That's date one and date two - already planned!
7. Go camping. Not right for date one, but perfect for dates that have hit the sleepover stage. Going on an outdoor adventure in a secluded spot removes all the distractions - like wondering whether it's appropriate to take a mid-date phone call or fighting over who's going to pay the bill - so you can focus entirely on each other.
8. Skydive. Yeah, it's not for the faint of heart, but a date doesn't get any more memorable than this. Scientists have proven that activities that get your adrenaline pumping also increase attraction, so not only will it be a thrilling rush, jumping out of a plane together will also increase the connection you feel to each other.