Love

Online dating is all about first impressions. After all, there’s a big pool of daters out there – if someone doesn’t interest you or work out from the start, there’s plenty more to meet! You might think - why waste time with someone who didn’t text back right away, acted nervous throughout the night, or canceled your first date three times? No thanks!

But what happens when you are the one who wants a do-over?

Sometimes, you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression. But if you do, it’s important to own your mistakes – and try to improve upon them. I’ve provided two real-life examples, though some of the details I changed for privacy’s sake:

Drinking Disaster

Jessica met Ryan over Tinder, and they immediately hit it off. After a few drinks Jessica was feeling bold and started flirting heavily, something she usually doesn’t do. Then she leaned in for the kiss, biting down hard on his lip. He was wondering what to do as his mouth started throbbing. Jessica suggested taking off to her place, but not before she fell over trying to get down from her barstool. She made it outside before throwing up. Ryan helped her to a cab and sent her home by herself – and the whole experience turned him off Tinder for a while.

Two weeks later, he got a text from Jessica apologizing for her behavior and asking if she could get a second chance. “I didn’t really see the point, but we did have good chemistry so eventually I agreed. I needed to find out who she really was.” This time, she didn’t drink and took her time instead of giving in to the chemistry. Two months later, they’re still dating. He was able to look past her initial behavior after he got to know the real Jessica.

Questionable comment

Stacey saw Jake’s picture on an online dating site, and decided to contact him. They had a few exchanges, but something he said in passing really bothered Stacey so she stopped communicating. When she went back to the same dating site a few weeks later, he still popped up as one of her matches, so she decided to give him a second chance. After rescheduling their date three times because Stacy’s work got too busy, Jake was annoyed, but still agreed to meet her. When they did meet, they clicked.

After talking to him in person, Stacey realized that she had misunderstood Jake initially because she had taken his online response the wrong way. If she hadn’t given him another chance to prove himself – and if he had given up on meeting her after cancelling so many times – they never would have connected and fallen in love. His good heart won her over, and they have been dating ever since.

Have you turned someone down because of a first impression? Maybe it’s time to give someone a second chance.

Single Man, Married Man – a new book written by a group of men specifically for single women – proclaims to offer brutally honest advice for women who are looking to get hitched.

The book has outraged many feminists, and for good reason. Some of the advice offered in the book includes this as fact: “all men” want to get married – if they tell you otherwise, they are “lying.” Another piece of advice from one of the book’s single authors: “No matter where a woman is in life, she should always be able to cater to her man’s needs.” A divorced co-author advises that when a man gets his ego stroked, he will be more inclined to love you.

The book also offers reasons why a man you are dating isn’t taking the relationship to the next level – namely, that it’s your fault. One author writes: “It takes a lot to hold their attention, and men tend to lose interest in romantic partners when they stop being, well... interesting.”

In other words, women need to start giving more massages, complaining less, and stroking their guys’ egos a lot more often. Then they will more likely convince their men to put a ring on it. (Speaking of Beyonce, one of the writers even suggests keeping Destiny’s Child’s “Cater 2 U” on repeat on your playlist).

The book is certainly gaining a lot of attention in the press because of its apparent sexism, and its authors maintain that it is “brutally honest” because they want to help women. Two of the main authors spent three years interviewing more than 300 men online and in person to arrive at their conclusions, so they stand by them.

So what does this mean? Should women take a step back and consider catering more to the men in their lives? Or should the guys who authored this book admit that creating a controversial book would help them sell more copies?

The truth is, no matter how many people you interview, or how much research you do, or how many coaching sessions you conduct, dating is still mysterious and fickle for everyone. Some tactics work with some people, others don’t. Some people have chemistry together, others don’t. You can’t force a relationship to move forward if that’s not what it is meant to do. There are no tricks. Dating is much more nuanced and individual. Blanket advice of how each gender should behave doesn’t really move the conversation – or the dating scene itself - forward.

So as much as we take dating advice from many sources, we should also be discerning. If something doesn’t feel right to you, pay attention. If you’re working too hard to try and “make things work” with your current love, maybe it is time to let go. To find out more about the book "Single Man, Married Man" you can check out the authors website.

Story time: I once knew a couple with an elaborate story about how they met in a bar in New York City's East Village. Except none of it was true. They had actually met on a dating site, but were too embarrassed to tell people – even most of their friends – that they'd met online.

It always baffled me. Are we really still having this discussion? How is it possible that the infamous online dating stigma is still clinging to life?

Despite the fact that most people have tried online dating and/or know someone who did, it appears there's still something of a dark cloud hovering over it. And it's ridiculous. It's time for a big wind to blow through and send that cloud packing.

Thing is... you're the wind. We all are. That cloud isn't going anywhere until we take a stand and send it on its way. The next time someone asks where you met your partner or whether you've ever tried a dating service, it's your responsibility to be honest. Here's why:

• Because you did. Let's just start with the most obvious reason, ok? You did it. Own up to it like the adult you are. The only reason you should ever need to be honest about something is because it's true.
• Because it shouldn't matter what other people think. Why devote time to worrying about what your co-worker thinks when you could spend that time being in love with your awesome partner? Hello, priorities. Own who you are and own your decisions.
• Because everyone is doing it. Maybe they aren't all being upfront about it, but they're all doing it. They've at least tried it, when they were drunk and curiosity got the better of them. If it's everyone's deep dark secret, it really shouldn't be anyone's deep dark secret. We all have a responsibility to get over our embarrassment.
• Because there are way more embarrassing ways to meet. Meeting online is a smart, sane option in 2015. There are way crazier, way stupider, way more embarrassing ways you could have met your partner. I won't specify, but I'm sure your imagination can fill in the blanks with some pretty deranged stuff.
• Because all you need is love. By which I mean, you have found someone amazing and you love them – that is the most important part of the story. What could possibly trump that? Almost anything flies (even most of the stuff you came up with for the last point) when the end result is people in love.

Cloud, your days are numbered.

A recent article in the Boston Globe discussed the disappointing journey of online dating. Many single people start the New Year off by setting an intention to find a partner – so they sign up with an online dating site. And after a few weeks or even months of effort, they are exhausted and ready to throw in the towel on dating altogether.

In other words, they are burned out from dating.

If you’ve ever done online dating, you will know what dating burnout means. Often, when you sign up with a new dating website or download a new app, your expectations can be high that this time it will be different. This time you can meet someone special. But then, after a few bad experiences or lack of chemistry or matches, it’s easy to become frustrated and think that online dating will never work.

Online dating is tough if you aren’t finding the right person, but should you always point your finger in blame when things don’t work out? There are more singles than ever in the U.S. – roughly 50% of all adults, so it’s not that there are “no good ones left.” But if you are experiencing dating burnout, it is hard not to believe it.

It’s important to look past all the bad experiences, and try to start each date on a clean slate. This isn’t wishful thinking, it’s what is required if you want to move from a negative place to a more positive place – because the first rule of dating is that you attract people of the same attitude to you. How can real chemistry happen if you aren’t willing to approach a new date with fresh eyes, even after a hundred bad dates?

I’m not saying dating is easy – far from it. But nothing in life worth having is easy. Nothing really valuable comes because we can order it off a menu, or a dating app. Instead, it comes from the work we put in. It comes from our mistakes, which help us to learn what works and what doesn’t.

If you want a true partner, it might happen through online dating, and it might not – but you have to be ready to wipe the slate clean each time you meet someone new.

So online dating isn’t the problem. If you want your dating life to change, you first have to examine yourself and see where you might be holding back from others, or how much you might be judging. Not everyone is going to be Mr./Ms. Right, but you will have a better time when you let go of what you can’t control (other people) and take control of what you can (you).

Peace and love for 2015! 

I have a love/hate relationship with New Year's resolutions.

In fact, you probably do too (who doesn't?).

On one hand, goal-setting is one of the most valuable things you can do. It's essential to set aside time to evaluate where you are, envision where you want to be, and strategize about how to move from one to the other.

On the other hand, everyone knows how difficult it is to actually stick to New Year's resolutions. You start out strong, you slip up once or twice, and then you abandon the whole thing. It can feel like you're setting yourself up for failure.

But hey – what is life without a few challenges? The potential for growth is too important to ignore, so make those resolutions and make 2015 the year you really kick their ass. Here are some ideas for your love life:

• Join a dating site. You may be here because you're already an online dater and are looking for tips, but you could be here because you still haven't taken the plunge and need some motivation. As Nike would say, just do it. This is the most popular time of the year for dating sites, so you'll be in good (and plentiful) company.
• Try something out of your comfort zone. That could be joining an online dating site, if you haven't already, or it could be trying something offline that pushes your boundaries. Join a gym if you've always been too intimidated to work out in front of others. Take a cooking class. Join a recreational sports team. You'll meet new people, add to your skill set, and boost your confidence.
• Be more open-minded. It's not just about challenging yourself where activities are concerned. It's also about challenging your preconceived notions about people. Say yes to someone you would normally say no to. Resist the urge to judge too quickly. Dump some of your dealbreakers. You may find something (or someone) you never expected.
• Get a handle on your goals. Do you want a fun fling? Are you looking for a partner who's marriage material? Are you just in the market for new friends? Be honest with yourself about what you want, and then be smart with your choices. They should be in alignment with your goals.
• Take action. You could wait around for something to happen to you, or you could make it happen. Which sounds like the better option? Be proactive in your search and don't think twice about making the first move. Being assertive is the best way to get what you want.

Here's to an incredible 2015!

The new polar vortex has made winter come earlier than planned. Before we can enjoy the turn of summer into fall, it seems that many cities across North America have been hit with snow, sleet and rain.

Just because the weather isn’t cooperating doesn’t mean you have to depend on bars and movie theatres as your places to go. Winter dating, especially around the holidays, is anything but boring! Don’t despair because you can’t take a nice bike ride together or have a picnic by the beach. Instead, embrace the cold with these fun date ideas:

Go wine tasting. Winter is the perfect time to find a nice local spot offering flights of the latest fall wines. If you live near wineries, you’re in luck! For most of us that don’t, local wine shops and bars often offer “tasting” nights and events for those who want to improve their palettes.

Take a cooking class. Can’t get warm? Take your date to a cooking class where you take fresh, local ingredients and learn to make something new and delicious. The best part? It warms you up and you get to share a hard-earned gourmet meal together as a reward.

Visit a tree farm. No matter your religious preferences, there’s something magical about visiting tree farms. The smell of pine can be soothing, and offer you a chance to enjoy the outdoors – followed by a warm cocktail or hot chocolate.

Go ice skating. Outdoor ice rinks are all the rage when winter hits. You can even find makeshift ice rinks in parking lots across Los Angeles, where temperatures rarely dip below 50 degrees. Check your local listings, and feel free to have fun and be a kid again. Isn’t this the stuff romance is made of?

Volunteer together. Good works can bring you and your date closer, and make your evening together more meaningful. Check local food banks, non-profits and religious organizations in your city to find out what you can do this holiday season.

Be a tourist. Visit a new art exhibit or the local history museum you never get around to checking out, just because it’s never on your to-do list. Explore the place you live – there is probably something you didn’t expect.  

Indoor rock climbing. Who said you can’t try outdoor activities when it’s snowing outside? Indoor rock climbing is a great way to get that adrenaline rush, and to enjoy a bit of a workout on your date.

Making s’mores. You don’t have to be around a campfire to enjoy this old favorite. Pull up a cushion by your fireplace (or stove) and roast a couple of marshmallows and some chocolate, a delicious way to spend the evening.