Profiles

Let’s face it – our information is out there digitally for all the world to see, or at least those who are interested in Googling our names. But we like to know what kind of privacy controls are still in place for our social media accounts. We don’t want Facebook sharing our posts with just anyone, and perhaps you keep your Instagram account private, too.

But what happens when Facebook starts to encroach on what you like to keep separate? For example, Facebook has a “suggested friends” page where it connects you with people in your social circles – maybe someone you knew back in high school or through a previous employer, and you would like to friend him/her. But what happens when the suggested friend is someone you don’t care to see again – say a Tinder date gone wrong?

Apparently, this is happening more and more, but strangely, no one really knows why. News website Motherboard investigated the link between Facebook and dating apps like Tinder and OkCupid, to see where the connection lies and if they are sharing information unbeknownst to their users.

According to Motherboard, Tinder, OkCupid and Facebook all deny sharing information with each other. Plus, most of these unwanted contacts that are suggested to Facebook users share no Facebook friends nor do they have a shared workplace history or any other connection besides being a potential or previous date.

So exactly how are these apps and Facebook tracking movement (and connections) we don’t necessarily want them to see? Shouldn’t your online dating life be kept separate from your social media circles until you meet someone special and YOU want to include them in your circles? Probably the last person you want to see as a Facebook friend suggestion is your one-night stand from two weeks ago or the date who stood you up.

So why does this keep happening? The answers are unclear. As the companies deny sharing information, there are other ways that your connections can leave a digital trail that makes its way to Facebook.

One such way is through your phone. If you message one of your dates, even if you don’t save the contact information, depending on your Facebook settings the service is able to pull contacts you have messaged and called on your phone to help expand your social circles. Motherboard found one such notice from Facebook while testing this out. The article says: “Facebook does say it bases its suggestions in part on ‘imported contacts,’ but this is something users have to opt into on the mobile app or desktop... I don’t ever remember agreeing to import my contacts, and yet when I checked my “invite history” page I had 900+ contacts saved, apparently were continuously syncing and updating, that I promptly removed. Facebook warned this could make my friend suggestions ‘less relevant.’”

Another reason could lie in Facebook searches. Chances are before a date you want to look up some information about a person over social media, doing due diligence to get to know the person you were about to meet. Perhaps you searched for them on Facebook, which would mean they could show up as a suggested friend – after all, Facebook knows you looked for them, not that you were interested in dating them.

At any rate, these digital connections will continue to increase, so it’s important to be prepared to see people you may not want in your suggested circles. If nothing else, just delete.

When you swipe right on someone’s profile, you have a good idea of your physical preferences and what kind of person you are attracted to. Maybe you like a certain body type or hair color or height, but after that, it gets a little more complex. Maybe you like a particular person’s smile, or that they seem to have a wicked sense of humor or arty style in their photography.

While swiping is making it easier to go through profiles and accept or reject someone at whim, is it becoming more automatic the longer we swipe? Are we careful in our choices, or do we casually and without much thought say yes or no? Do we want someone (or something) else to do the swiping for us, someone who knows our preferences as well or even better than we do? It would save time and effort, but do we want to disengage from matching entirely?

At least one researcher is asking the question. He thinks we can be consistent enough in our picks that a computer can pick up on what we like and do the swiping for us. And why shouldn't this be an option?

Harm de Vries, a post-doctoral researcher at the Université de Montreal, thinks computers would make excellent choices on our behalf, and set about proving it with a recent study.

According to an article in PC World, De Vries scraped 10,000 photos from Tinder and gave a computer his opinion of 8,000 of them. Then he let the computer determine his likes and dislikes for the remaining 2,000, thinking this sample was reflective and large enough to be pretty accurate. Unfortunately, it managed to be right only 55% of the time. In other words, it wasn’t much better than closing your eyes and swiping arbitrarily.

De Vries decided to test a larger sample, so he pulled almost 500,000 photos from OkCupid. With a greater number of images to work with, the computer achieved a higher success rate – 68% - but still managed to correctly agree with only two out of every three choices made by DeVries.

Still, De Vries is hopeful that computers can assist in the decision-making process. He thinks even services like Twitter can benefit from computer learning, which is still pretty accurate even compared to human learning. "One of my friends who collaborated with me got to learn my preferences and he managed 76 percent accuracy, so even for humans it's pretty hard."

Choosing who we are attracted to is not an exact  science – we are all attracted to people that don’t necessarily have our “favored” characteristics, like dark hair or an athletic body, but they can still possess something that we find very compelling.

The point is – do we want to control our choices, or have a computer just do it for us?

Dating app Hinge is taking after OkCupid by collecting its user data and publishing results that might help people better connect. The latest report outlines the best pick-up lines among users of its app – and as it turns out, the way to a woman’s heart might just be through her stomach.

To conduct the survey, Hinge recruited copywriters and data analysts to compose 100 original openers, and sent them to 22 percent of Hinge users, who were then given the option of sending these openers to their matches. After studying eight million impressions, trends began to emerge. Some were expected - daters who want to connect should definitely avoid generic statements like 'Hey, what's up?' as an opening line, for example. The data was refined and categorized to give more in-depth info about who was responding—including their gender, age, and location across the U.S.

Results of the month-long experiment showed the most effective conversation starters for women include food references. For instance, a guy could ask a question like: “Chocolate, red velvet, or funfetti?” referring to cupcake preferences, or “Best discovery: Netflix or avocados?” for example. Hinge noted that “women are 40% more likely than men to respond to openers that are food-related.”

Men were most responsive when asked out directly, and particularly if those messages were assertive (the types of messages most women don’t like, which should be noted). For instance, if a woman put herself out there and confidently asked “Drinks soon?” or “Free this week?” men were 98% more likely to respond favorably.

Males were also found to have shorter attention spans: If they don’t receive a response to a message within six hours, a quarter of them will drop out of sight, compared with only five per cent of women.

As far as age groups, the 35 and older crowd prefers pop culture references. For instance, they responded best to “Katy Perry or Taylor Swift?” or “Bears, beets, or Battlestar Gallactica?” The 20-somethings preferred introductions about lifestyle with lines like: “Better adventure: Rock climbing or scuba diving?” or “Sunday priorities: Exercise, sleep or aggressive mimosas?” The 18-23 age group seemed to prefer novelty questions like: “Pain reliever personality: Advil, Tylenol or complaining?” and “You’re having your portrait painted – what’s your backdrop?”

Regional responses varied too, with folks in Los Angeles preferring entertainment-related questions (no surprise), and users in the Mid-West liking the 90’s references.

Hinge connects people through Facebook circles, and is available for both Android and iPhone. For more on Hinge, you can read our review.

There is a temptation many online daters succumb to, perhaps without realizing it. While the point of online dating is to widen your social circles and meet people you otherwise wouldn’t meet in real life, there is unfortunately a timing issue.

Most people start communicating with their matches online before they make plans to meet in person. There is a “getting to know you” phase, complete with flirtations, shared intimacies, and lots of texts back and forth. For some, this process can go on and on for weeks before the two decide to meet in person.

By that time, anticipation has been built. Maybe you throw on your cutest outfit or favorite pair of heels, or style your hair for the occasion. You have butterflies in your stomach, excited to think how well you connected online – so surely you must also connect in person, right?

Not so much. Many online relationships fizzle by the time two people meet and discover that in person, there is just no chemistry between them. Certain personality affectations are hard to guage online, and people get a false sense of who the other person really is when they only communicate online.

For one, it is easier to fantasize when you aren’t seeing each other face to face. Maybe your date is really witty over text, but avoids eye contact in person. Maybe he’s painfully shy, or maybe he’s not exactly what you pictured in your head. Regardless, there is a gap between the person you fantasized about and the person sitting in front of you.

Secondly, people tend to cultivate a false sense of intimacy online. It’s easy to share more personal information when you aren’t looking each other in the eye. When you date in person, there is a more gradual build, as there is a certain level of trust that has to be gained before you open up. When you are only communicating online however, it’s easy to overshare. You can text at all hours, so there aren’t any boundaries for appropriate timing, or what you can feel free to say. Maybe you are more bold about flirting online, and would never say those things to someone in person. So what happens when you finally meet? There is a certain vulnerability that can make both people feel uncomfortable or awkward around each other, which can lead to a lack of chemistry.

And lastly, you don’t want to maintain an online relationship with someone who keeps putting off meeting you in person. They might not be who they claim they are. Do you really want to make an emotional investment in someone who isn’t eager to meet you in person, no matter the reason?

It is better to meet in real life sooner rather than later. Don’t build up an online relationship thinking it’s the same thing as actually dating. It’s not. Meeting face to face is the only way to assess how compatible and attracted to each other you are.

An article in last month’s Vanity Fair attacked apps like Tinder as being promoters of hook-up culture among young daters. The article caused a wave of dialogue, backlash and upset, with many people wondering if dating apps were in fact “killing” the culture of dating and navigating relationships.

While technology has been blamed for bad behavior, dating app Hinge is aiming to distinguish itself from its popular and notorious competitor, Tinder. Instead of taking the bait and offering more Tinder-like services like many dating apps looking for success in this growing market, Hinge is taking the hook-up culture argument to heart. Instead of fighting the article's argument, the company is offering an update to its app in acknowledgment of the problem - with an “Intentions” feature.

The update offers a new profile page where users are encouraged up front to include their intentions for using the app, whether it’s to find a relationship, to date, or a casual hook-up. Hinge hopes that this gives more transparency in the online dating process.

According to Hinge, most of the people coming to its app are looking for something more serious than a hook-up. When the company surveyed 1,500 of its users, they discovered that sixty-three percent claim they are looking for relationships, 33% for dating, and only 2% for hook-ups.

The company’s last update called out daters who weren’t being truthful about being single, which has also caused an uproar among Tinder users. (A survey earlier this year found that more than 40% of Tinder users were already in a relationship.) Hinge now publishes each user’s relationship status (that the user shares on Facebook), so there’s no mistaking whether or not a user is single.

The company also added a new feature in August called HingePerks for its most dedicated users, offering discounts and contests for things like trips, ball games, and drinks. The first promotion was a free “staycation” at a Starwood Hotel with a spa service included. They have also offered concert tickets for social media participation (including liking on Facebook, tagging and sharing), as well as a free bottle of wine for the Hinge couple that posts a fun photo on Instagram.

Since its inception, the company has focused on its primary user base – young professionals, another way to distinguish itself from Tinder, which got its start on college campuses and whose demographic skews a bit younger than Hinge’s. In the last month, Hinge has promoted their “most eligible” male and female users according to profession, offering basic profile information. Hinge also asks their most embarrassing date moment and greatest career accomplishment to date.

Whether Hinge's strategy succeed in this competitive dating app market is yet to be seen. But it does offer daters a more interesting and engaging alternative to the dating app experience. For more on this dating app, please check out our review of Hinge.

We're officially obsessed with online dating, but that doesn't mean we're any good at it.

According to a 2013 Pew Research Center survey, one in five adults between the ages of 25 and 34 has used an online dating site or app. We're almost all on board with the idea of meeting through the Internet. We've become expert swipers, but we haven't become experts in presenting our best selves.

Are you making any of these common online dating profile mistakes?

1. Choosing the wrong photos. Your profile picture is the first thing anyone sees, so make it count. It should be flattering but accurate, not outdated or heavily edited. Include a range of images – casual, dressed up, in different settings, doing different things. Don't post group photos in which it's unclear who you are.
2. Being too generic. Everyone enjoys a good meal and spending time with friends. What really makes you unique? If you want to talk about food, mention specific cuisines or restaurants you enjoy. Paint a picture of the taco that changed your life. Universal interests don't offer any insight into who you really are and don't build a solid foundation of compatibility.
3. Lying about yourself. Shave off a few pounds here, add an inch or two there – it's an easy mistake to make. You want to make a good first impression and score the greatest possible number of dates. But in the end, you're setting yourself up for disaster. Sooner or later your lies will be exposed, and when the real-you doesn't match the profile-you, everyone loses. Dishonesty wastes your time and your dates'.
4. Leaving your profile empty. This should go without saying, but a surprising number of people choose to leave their profiles blank. Your profile exists to tell the world about yourself. You wouldn't want to date someone you knew nothing about, would you?
5. Writing a novel. On the other hand, there's no need to go overboard with your profile. Attention spans are increasingly short and schedules are increasingly packed. Few potential suitors have time to read your entire life story. Besides, if you say everything up front, there's nothing left over for the date.
6. Being too picky. It's good to be somewhat selective when it comes to your love life, but your profile shouldn't include a laundry list of deal breakers. There's a fine line between high standards and unreasonable standards. Focus on who you do want to date, not who you don't want to date.

Avoid these common online dating mistakes and you'll be well on your way to making a great first impression.