Advice

If you keep one tip in mind as you head out to your dates, consider making it this one: don’t apologize for yourself.

“Hmm,” you might be thinking. “I don’t apologize for myself! Tip mastered!” But it can be far more insidious than you realize. Particularly when we first get back into the dating scene, it’s natural for many of us to apologize for, well, just about anything: Our job, if we’ve been unemployed or we think it’s not successful enough; our appearance, always a popular one; even our interests and hobbies if they’re a bit uncommon.

Sometimes we verbalize our apologies - either explicitly, or by making self-deprecating comments and jokes. Other times we may not say anything about it at all, but we’re thinking it the entire time: “I’m sorry, I’m not slimmer, more exciting, more attractive.” It might not be spoken, but every action and word reflects it.

The problem is, if you’re uncomfortable with yourself, others will become uncomfortable too. They might not consciously realize what’s going on, but they might feel ill-at-ease. If the apologies are verbal and constant, even if they’re “jokes,” they can wear on a person even more.

So, tell yourself: you don’t need to apologize for who you are. In fact, when you’re confident about yourself, the same effect happens in reverse: others want to get to know you better and feel lighter in your presence. Who would you rather date: someone who likes model airplanes, but turns red and mumbles about it when it’s brought up, or someone who gives a big grin and states why they like it in a matter-of-fact way?

The same principle applies even if it’s something you’re not necessarily proud of, like the neighborhood you live in, for example. The fact is that when you find someone compatible, they’re going to like you for who you are - but first, you have to feel the same about yourself. Having that self-confidence is really the first step.

Thus, when you’re sending emails and going on dates, even writing your profile, remember: you don’t have to apologize for yourself. It might be more difficult than it seems, but that simple statement can be the first step to the self-confidence you seek.

There is no one on the planet whose work fascinates me more than Dr. Helen Fisher. Dr. Fisher is a biological anthropologist, a research professor, and a member of the Center for Human Evolution Studies in the Department of Anthropology at Rutgers University. She is also the Chief Scientific Advisor of Chemistry.com and the author of five books on sex, love, marriage, gender, and personality.

The latest of Dr. Fisher's riveting research revolves around a subject every romantic holds dear: love at first sight.

Does it exist?

And if so, does it last?

Love at first sight, Dr. Fisher explains, isn't only a human phenomenon. The animal kingdom also experiences its own brand of instant attraction. Scientists have recorded instances of love at first sight in hundreds of species, including elephants, orangutans, baboons, beavers, dogs, chimps, and more. Even Charles Darwin witnessed it, between a pair of ducks: "it was evidently a case of love at first sight, for she swam about the newcomer caressingly... with overtures of affection."

Humans inherited the ability to fall in love at first sight from our animal ancestors. Like other mammals, the female descendants in our primordial past had a monthly period of heat. They had to procreate within that limited amount of time, making it essential that they were able to meet and attract a mate quickly.

First meetings are still important, though we no longer have only a brief window in which to reproduce. We form a strong impression of someone within the first three minutes of meeting them, using only the limited amount of information we are able to gather during that time. For the lucky ones, that impression is one of attraction.

Believe it or not, men tend to fall in love faster than women. Because their brain circuitry for romantic love is more quickly triggered by visual cues, they are more likely to feel instant attraction than their female counterparts.

That may sound like a case of lust rather than love, but lust and love involve very different brain networks. "You can have physical intimacy with someone you are not 'in love' with," Dr. Fisher writes in the Chemistry.com blog, "and you can be passionately in love with someone you have never kissed. But these brain circuits can trigger one another, leaving you wondering for a moment if your attraction is purely physical."

Love at first sight shouldn't be dismissed as shallow or fleeting. Instant passion can last and become genuine, deep attachment. The question you must ask, Dr. Fisher writes, is "What percentage of the day and night do you think about him or her?" Romantic love is an obsession, so if you can't get your beloved off your mind, you can be sure it's the real thing.

To find our more about the dating site in which uses Dr. Fisher's research to help match their members, you can read our Chemistry.com review

1. Women really do love dogs. Nicolas Guégen and Serge Ciccotti found that a man's likelihood of obtaining a woman's phone number increases three-fold when he's accompanied by a dog.

2. Red is the most attractive color. One experiment found that men asked women dressed in red more personal questions than women dressed in green. Another experiment found that men sat closer to a woman wearing red than a woman wearing blue.

3. Women are attracted to wealth, but not men. Female participants in a study were more interested in a man with an expensive Bentley than a man with a more average car. Male participants showed no difference in how they rated the attractiveness of a woman based on her car.

4. Women love to be kissed on the neck. Next to the mouth, the neck is women's favorite place to be kissed. 96% of women expressed their love of neck kisses in a study, compared to only 10% of men.

5. Women are more likely to fake a climax if they're in love. Apparently faking an orgasm is a sign of love - women who are in love are more likely to fake it, presumably to avoid disappointing the partners they care about so deeply.

6. Casual sex is not indicative of low self-esteem or a bad family life. Contrary to the beliefs of many, women with a higher number of sex partners are definitely not "damaged goods." They show no signs of low self-esteem or challenging childhoods...in fact, men in some situations prioritize women with many sex partners over less experienced women.

7. Cheaters might be identifiable by their faces. An experiment found that humans are better able to recognize the faces of cheaters than non-cheaters, without knowing anything about their sexual history. Cheaters' faces may give off subtle visual cues that make them identifiable.

8. We're all guilty of staring. People tend to look longer at attractive faces than unattractive faces. A beautiful face also distracts us from tasks, causing us to take longer to complete them.

9. Your voice changes around people you're attracted to. A lower-pitched voice is connected to higher states of physical arousal in the presence of someone you're attracted to.

10. Speed dating probably isn't the most effective way to meet your match. Your chances of getting frisky with someone you meet at a speed dating event are only 6%, and your changes of relating to someone are even lower, at only 4% .

A friend of mine recently went through a tough break-up. I met her one afternoon for lunch and she couldn't stop crying, and was disturbed because she didn't think the pain would ever go away. A rush of old memories flooded me while I was with her. I remembered those feelings of helplessness, of being in love with someone who was no longer in love with me.

I tried to say comforting words, to give her hope. But the truth is, breaking up is hard. It's like a wound that takes time and patience and care to heal properly. If you have a gash that isn't treated, it gets infected and it won't properly heal, leading to worse problems. This is why it's so important to give ourselves a break after a break-up - and the time we need to heal our hearts.

Following are some tips if you are suffering from a recent break-up:

Nurture yourself. When you first break up, it's devastating heartbreak. Do simple things to help nurture yourself, whether it's taking a hot bath, watching a silly movie, reading a great book, or anything else that might help lift your spirits or take you away from your situation for a bit. Take this time to be loving to yourself.

Don't blame yourself. It's easy to think of reasons why you caused the break-up, or what you could have done differently to make it work. Stop blaming yourself. Instead of thinking what you could have done differently, know that you are on the path to healing and knowing your wants and needs in a relationship better than you did before.

Keep your distance from your ex love. As tempting as it might be to reach out to him or her, even over text or email, resist. Making that call or sending that text won't give you what you want (like your old relationship back). Instead, give yourself some distance. Even though you feel lost and want to be reassured by your old love, likely it will only make you feel worse. When you feel like reaching out to him, call a friend instead.

Reach out to friends. It's not easy to be vulnerable, but friends and family are there to support you through hard times. Don't be afraid to pick up the phone and ask them to come over and eat dinner or watch a movie with you. Being able to talk with friends is an important part of letting go.

Know that this isn't your last relationship. It might seem like the end of the world, but it's far from that. Remember that you will find love again, and your heart will be open to it. Just give yourself the time and space to heal first.

Whether we realize it or not, many of us have a distinct “type” to which we tend to be attracted. It might be something physical - broad shoulders, dark hair, petite build - but often it’s more a cultural or personality type - the athlete, the quiet, studious type, the counter-cultural guy in black. When we see someone who fits our “type,” without necessarily realizing it, we take a second look.

Many people try to resist the idea that they have a type; they want to be as open-minded as possible to what may cross their path. And to be sure, that’s not a bad idea; no one wants to miss out on a possible match because they’re only focused on one kind of person. But being aware of your type can be helpful, too.

For example, maybe you tend to be attracted to something that, time and again, doesn’t actually work for you. Once you become aware and accepting of this fact, you can start to try to figure out why, and maybe break out of your rut.

Still, having a “type” doesn’t have to be a negative. Quite often it doesn’t represent anything deeper than that it’s what you’re drawn to. Some have always preferred Clark Kent, others have always preferred Superman. The key, then, is recognizing you prefer a Clark Kent - and then figuring out how best to seek him out.

This is where custom searches can come in handy. If you know you tend to prefer women who are romantic and traditional, think about what that sort of person might like in terms of, say, music and movies, and adjust your searches accordingly.

“Okay,” you might say, “but though I know the person I’d like probably likes action flicks, they aren’t actually my favorites. What can I email about?”

First, start with your searches. Find profiles of people in whom you’re interested. Then, read over their profiles. Chances are, there are other reasons you’re interested in them - you do probably have common interests, even if it’s not how you found them. Email about those. Barring that, ask them something about their profile; you’re not required to list all your common interests at first contact.

Remember that the ultimate goal is to find someone with whom you’re ultimately compatible. Sometimes that means common interests. Sometimes, though, you’re simply drawn to each other. There’s nothing wrong with contacting someone who catches your eye, no matter what the reason - you can figure out if you share chemistry, and long-term compatibility, as it becomes relevant.

Physical attraction isn't everything.

But it is something.

We all want to be thought of as attractive, even if we don't want to admit it. After all, your profile photo is one of the first things a woman sees when she spots your profile on Match.com...so it's only natural to want to make sure it's leaving an impression (the right impression).

There are a lot of strategies out there for boosting your sex appeal, and they cover everything from grooming habits, to style, to body language. You could spend days lost in a flood of well-meaning blog posts and magazine articles claiming to know the secret to sexiness, but wouldn't you rather skip the BS and get straight to the good stuff?

Here's what science has to say about boosting your sex appeal:

1. Don't hide your scars. Scientists at the University of Liverpool found that men with facial scars are more attractive to women who are looking for short-term relationships because they symbolize health and bravery. Women are equally attracted to scarred and un-scarred faces when looking for long-term relationships.
2. Know what your grooming habits say about you. Bald men are perceived as intelligent. Men with beards are considered sociable, but men with mustaches are thought of as introverted. Stubble manages to break boundaries, giving the impression that the wearer is both smart and social.
3. Choose your photos wisely. Outdoor photos and photos that show skin make you seem outgoing and sociable. But don't go overboard - women are less likely to date men they consider too good looking. A woman may worry that a man with good looks and high social value is out of her league, and will leave the relationship in search of something better.
4. Practice good posture. Taller men are typically more successful with women than shorter men. There is a connection between posture, power, and confidence (and few things are sexier than power and confidence). Tilt your chin slightly up in photos to appear more masculine and attractive.
5. Emphasize your masculinity. Masculine faces are perceived as more attractive and more dangerous, which also triggers attraction. A study also found that more muscular men reported more lifetime sex partners and short-term flings. If that's not a compelling reason to hit the gym, I don't know what is.

Oh, and if you're going after the supermodels, be prepared to work hard for it in all ways but one. The more attractive the woman, the higher her standards for nearly everything - masculinity, fitness, attractiveness, attentiveness, age, income potential, parenting skills - except for one glaring omission: intelligence. Apparently beauty doesn't care much for brains.

For more information about the dating service, please read our Match.com review.