Romance

Here's a post-Valentine's Day reality check: happy couples may not be happy at all, just really good at deluding themselves.

Publications like Cosmo would have you believe that the secret to romantic success is seeing your partner as they truly are. And it does sound nice, but psychological research suggests it's the wrong approach. Instead, the key to a happy relationship is seeing your partner as you wish they were.

Just think about it for a second and suddenly it seems obvious: of course someone who believes their partner lives up to everything they've ever wanted is more satisfied with their relationship. How could they not be? Sure, they may be deceiving themselves, but can we say it's wrong if it works?

A study on the subject was published a few years back in the journal Psychological Science. A research team from the University at Buffalo and the University of British Columbia gathered together 200 couples who came to a courthouse in Buffalo, NY, to get marriage licenses. Then, twice a year for the next three years, the researchers questioned each person individually about themselves, their partners, and their visions of an ideal partner.

Afterwards, the answers were analyzed for certain patterns. The researchers sought out people who idealized their partners – those whose descriptions of their partner's traits matched their descriptions of their fictional perfect match (even if their partner did not self-report seeing those traits in him- or herself).

"If I see a pattern of traits that are more positive than what my partner says about themselves, that's what we mean by idealization," explains Dale Griffin, one of the study's co-authors. "That is, there is a correlation between my ideal set of traits and what I see in my partner that she does not see in herself."

Each time the researchers checked in with the couples, they also gave them a survey designed to measure relationship satisfaction. All couples reported a decline in happiness over time, but those who held positive illusions about their partners experienced significantly less of a decline.

The Psychological Science paper reports that “People in satisfying marital relationships see their own relationship as superior to other people's relationships” and that they also “see virtues in their partners that are not obvious to anyone else.” In fact, it gets even more extreme: “People in stable relationships even redefine what qualities they want in an ideal partner to match the qualities they perceive in their own partner.”

In other words, it's ok – and maybe even better – that love is a little blind.

Luckily, we live in the age of technology – so if you forgot to make plans for Valentine’s Day (and unfortunately it lands on a Saturday this year) – you might want to look to the app store for help.

If you are looking for a last-minute gift or card, here are some apps to try:

Red Stamp Cards - Need a thoughtful Valentine's Day card in a hurry? Snap a photo and you can quickly create a unique card for your Valentine with this free app. Cards can be tweeted, texted, emailed or posted to Instagram and Facebook.

BloomThat - If you forgot to order flowers and the local grocery store’s selection looks a little tired, this app can help you out of a last-minute problem. (And they can deliver their hand-crafted bouquets via bicycle in under 90 minutes, as opposed to florists where there is an 8-hour delivery window.) For iPhone users only.

Dating can be fun, but it can also be confusing and even a bit demoralizing. Regardless of whether you meet someone online, on Tinder, or sitting next to you at the bar, you can have an instant connection. And that connection can also go wrong if you don’t adhere to a few simple rules of good behavior.

I don’t mean The Rules, as in playing hard-to-get. I mean that despite the pull of chemistry between two people, there is still the fact that you two don’t know each other, and so it only benefits you to be on your best behavior.

If you’ve ever had one too many drinks and fallen down from the bar stool you’ve been perched on next to your date, or gone off on a political rant in the middle of a nice conversation, you might know a little about making a mistake that you regret because it cost you a future date.

Following are some guidelines in how to avoid a dating disaster (and moving on if it’s already happened):

Curb your drinking. This might seem obvious, but many people like to have a drink or two to “loosen up.” Know your tolerance before you consume. A few drinks can quickly turn bad – like if you suddenly feel sick and have to leave before you throw up on your date, or you can’t remember what happened past driving home in an Uber. There’s nothing sexy or appealing about dating a drunk stranger, so know your limits.

Avoid touchy subjects. Although politics is your passion, it’s good to avoid talking about Congress on a first date when you don’t know each other. Your date could mistake your passion for self-righteousness, especially if you try to convince him that you’re right. Instead of getting carried away with an argument, try stepping back, asking questions, and listening. This can quickly turn the conversation around.

Don’t get sexual right away. Despite all of the pick-up artists’ proclamations, women generally don’t like it when a guy comes on too strong, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Recognize that most women get hit on when they online date, and they don’t appreciate it – especially from a stranger. Instead of trying to seduce her, get to know her. That is a sure way to guarantee a second date.

Acknowledge and move on. We’ve all made embarrassing mistakes, especially while dating. There’s no reason to continue to beat yourself up over mistakes of the past – instead, acknowledge what happened, see what you can do differently, and move on. Regret has no place in future relationships.

When guys ask me for dating advice, it’s usually because they are frustrated and feel somewhat baffled by women. Most men are content to take a few rejections and move on (more so than women), but if a woman does something they don’t understand, if they are interested in her at all, they have to know:

What does she want? Or more interestingly: What did I do wrong?

This should be an eye-opener for women. Men are more aware of your actions, thoughts and feelings than they are given credit for. They are also more interested in what they can do better, how they can make you happy.

(An aside: Yes, men love making women happy. It’s what keeps them going in a relationship. We just have to let them know what we want.)

A man recently asked me about a woman he’s been dating for a few months. He just got out of a relationship, and she seems a bit standoff-ish, though he’s not sure why. She claims she’s interested in him, but then she pulls a disappearing act. She acts flirtatious and touches him one minute, and the next she pulls away or rebuffs him. He’s kept in a constant state of confusion, wondering what exactly she wants.

While I don’t know this woman and can’t speak for how she feels, I can address her actions and also how he can help himself in this situation. First, she might be a little skeptical of his intentions since he just got out of a serious relationship. In fact, he admitted he wasn’t sure how he felt about her.

When you don’t know how you feel about someone, you can’t expect her to love and be clear about her feelings for you, either.

This was tough for him to hear. After all, she was the one playing games and pulling the disappearing act. And it’s true: she wasn’t exactly giving the relationship her best effort, or maybe any effort at all. But neither was he.

Until you are clear on what you want from a relationship, don’t expect someone else to tell you. If you need time to assess how you feel, take your time. But allow your partner to take her time, too. Not everyone is certain about how they feel right away. And some people are more cautious with their hearts than others, because they don’t want to get hurt again.

If you are waiting for the other person to drive the relationship, you are letting them take control. It’s a partnership, not something to control. If you decide you want an exclusive relationship, let her know. Don't be afraid of having an intimate conversation about how you are feeling, or not feeling.

The new polar vortex has made winter come earlier than planned. Before we can enjoy the turn of summer into fall, it seems that many cities across North America have been hit with snow, sleet and rain.

Just because the weather isn’t cooperating doesn’t mean you have to depend on bars and movie theatres as your places to go. Winter dating, especially around the holidays, is anything but boring! Don’t despair because you can’t take a nice bike ride together or have a picnic by the beach. Instead, embrace the cold with these fun date ideas:

Go wine tasting. Winter is the perfect time to find a nice local spot offering flights of the latest fall wines. If you live near wineries, you’re in luck! For most of us that don’t, local wine shops and bars often offer “tasting” nights and events for those who want to improve their palettes.

Take a cooking class. Can’t get warm? Take your date to a cooking class where you take fresh, local ingredients and learn to make something new and delicious. The best part? It warms you up and you get to share a hard-earned gourmet meal together as a reward.

Visit a tree farm. No matter your religious preferences, there’s something magical about visiting tree farms. The smell of pine can be soothing, and offer you a chance to enjoy the outdoors – followed by a warm cocktail or hot chocolate.

Go ice skating. Outdoor ice rinks are all the rage when winter hits. You can even find makeshift ice rinks in parking lots across Los Angeles, where temperatures rarely dip below 50 degrees. Check your local listings, and feel free to have fun and be a kid again. Isn’t this the stuff romance is made of?

Volunteer together. Good works can bring you and your date closer, and make your evening together more meaningful. Check local food banks, non-profits and religious organizations in your city to find out what you can do this holiday season.

Be a tourist. Visit a new art exhibit or the local history museum you never get around to checking out, just because it’s never on your to-do list. Explore the place you live – there is probably something you didn’t expect.  

Indoor rock climbing. Who said you can’t try outdoor activities when it’s snowing outside? Indoor rock climbing is a great way to get that adrenaline rush, and to enjoy a bit of a workout on your date.

Making s’mores. You don’t have to be around a campfire to enjoy this old favorite. Pull up a cushion by your fireplace (or stove) and roast a couple of marshmallows and some chocolate, a delicious way to spend the evening.

Somewhere along the line, every argument in favor of mobile dating apps claims they've made it easier than ever to find a relationship (even just a one-night relationship, if that's what you're looking for). Everyone loves the idea of a quick and easy matchmaking process, and why wouldn't they? In our era of short attention spans, we expect everything to be as fast and convenient as possible.

On the other hand, plenty have said that all that swiping left and right doesn't actually amount to much. Dating apps have taken a complex, time-consuming process and wrapped it up in a package that requires almost no thought or energy. Can something so easy accurately recreate the intricate experience of meeting and falling for someone? Can true, lasting romance ever come from a dating app?

Well, let's see.

When it comes to popularity, dating apps certainly aren't hurting. A current Radian 6 analysis shows that buzz surrounding dating apps is very high, with a total of 2,094,611 mentions. Breaking it down, Tinder comes out on top (1,383,012) followed by Badoo (505.611), Grindr (137,779) and Twoo (63,733). The vast majority of what is being said is positive, so users are clearly finding something of merit in this modern-day, digital approach to dating.

Looking deeper, we start to see another trend. The consensus amongst users seems to be that dating apps are primarily used for hooking up rather than serious romance. Search the keywords “love” and “lust” and you'll find that the latter is more closely associated with app-based interactions. Grindr, naturally, leads the pack with 86.3% “lust” to 13.7% “love” mentions. Tinder takes second place with 81.3% and 18.7%, respectively.

When another sentiment analysis is performed, it's revealed that negative sentiment is higher for lust-related interactions and a higher positive sentiment is associated with interactions focused on finding true love.

So is there any grounding to the perception that dating services are just for hookups? Seeing as there's strong negative sentiment attached to the lust angle, most seem to be opposed to using dating apps for casual sex. Sure, it's out there, but more singles using mobile dating services are looking for a happily ever after that lasts longer than one night.

Admittedly, it might not be something you find right away, but hey – when is it? Sorting through the weirdo's takes plenty of time online too, and just as much time in person, so embrace it. It's all part of the process and once you have what you're looking for, it won't matter where you found it.