Love

We all know the heady feeling of passion – how it makes us feel and how we crave it in our love lives. There is the rush of emotion when you get a text from the object of your affection, or see him standing in front of you. There is that warm feeling that comes over you when you kiss, when you have sex, when you are wrapped up in each other. Desire, passion, lust – these are extreme emotional highs that we crave.

Maybe you’ve been on a few dates with someone who fills you with that passion. You’re already planning trips together, dreaming about how perfect he seems for you. You look forward to the relationship progressing, to moving in together, to him being “the one.” You fantasize about your love, and how he brings out such emotion in you.

Then a few weeks later, the sex isn’t so hot. He isn’t so attractive. He has this annoying habit of interrupting you every time you start to say something. His house is a mess and you feel like his mother when you clean up after him. He is still in touch with his ex girlfriend. He starts calling you less and less often, and isn’t so excited to see you anymore.

Needless to say, the seeds of passion have not brought the bloom of long-term love that you were craving in the first place.

When it comes to long-term relationships, these passion-filled romances don’t typically stand the test of time. They are intense, but like every high, at some point, you must come down. And then comes the true test of the relationship.

Long-term relationships require a deeper connection than passion. They often take a long time to grow. Which is why it’s not the best idea to reject dates who don’t bring out that passion you crave right away.

Passion isn’t just about heady, immediate lust. While that is always tempting to follow, it’s important to consider what you truly want: a life filled with short-term, intense flings? Or a long-term companion where love grows deeper?

Seeking long-term love as opposed to chasing passion isn’t about settling. It’s about understanding what you really want. It’ thinking about more than heady feelings of lust – but rather, about mutual respect, kindness and about having a real and lasting connection with a partner. Passion wears off no matter what relationship you are in, so you have to ask yourself: what is left after that? Do I even like the person I’m with?

What is it that I’m really hoping to have?

Most of us crave deeper connections. We don’t want someone who is just around for the good times, and takes off when things get rough or boring. We want someone we can trust, who we like, who makes us laugh, who respects and cares for us, who is committed for the long haul. This isn’t the stuff of passion – it is the stuff of deep relationships. Be clear about what you want before you keep chasing passion.

Relationships can be difficult, because two people will not always be on the same page. You might fight or misunderstand each other from time to time. But sometimes, misunderstanding mixed with fear and insecurity can pave the way for feelings of jealousy to creep inside. And this is not a good thing.

Jealousy can wreak havoc in a relationship. It makes you fearful, questioning, insecure, and suspicious on a constant basis. It prevents you from truly letting go, having a good time, and letting your guard down. Instead, you’re preoccupied with thoughts like: “is he cheating on me?” or “who is she texting right now?”

Some jealous feelings are founded in experience. If your last couple of girlfriends cheated on you, there might be a reason to be suspicious of anyone new. But of course, protecting yourself from being hurt again by acting on your jealous feelings doesn’t serve you. In fact, it can damage an otherwise perfectly lovely relationship.

Instead of ruminating in your feelings of jealousy, no matter how real or “honest” those feelings seem, take a step back. Ask yourself: how is this jealousy serving my relationship? Is there a way I can look at things differently? Is there something I’m not seeing?

The purpose of this exercise is to take yourself out of the cycle of giving in to jealous feelings. They are rooted in fear. If you have to track your boyfriend’s phone or scroll through his messages when he’s in the bathroom because you’re afraid he’s cheating, do you think this is a healthy way to be in a relationship?

If you react to someone you love out of fear – even if it’s fear of losing the relationship – you won’t get the love and connection it is that you really want. You will only get a defensive response, no matter what the truth is.

Instead of acting out of fear, ask yourself where the jealousy comes from. Did your partner say or do something to hurt you in the past, that perhaps you haven’t fully addressed? Or are you acting out of fear of past hurts that he had nothing to do with? Or are you reacting to suspicions that you have of being unlovable – assuming that he must be looking for someone else because surely he wouldn’t love you?

All of these are reactions based in fear. Instead of giving in to your fears, try a different approach. Ask yourself where these feelings are really coming from. Tell yourself that you are enough. If you want a lasting, loving relationship, you have to love yourself first. Let your fear and jealousy go, and take things one day at a time if need be. See how your relationship can change with that one step.

Now that Valentine’s Day is behind us, many will forget the flowers and pink hearts lining the stores. But they won’t stop dating.

In fact, there are more studies than ever about the state of dating today – starting with Match.com’s annual survey of singles across America. Match found that daters were pretty optimistic, especially guys. More men than women believe in love at first sight, (and more women than men are afraid of commitment). 

Match.com also reveal women prefer their independence, much more than men do. Ninety percent of women want more personal space, 93% want to pursue their own hobbies and interests, and 64% want more time with friends. Most women prefer to wait 1-2 years before moving in, whereas men prefer to move faster – 6-12 months of dating before shacking up.

Also, there is something Dr. Fisher calls “The Clooney Effect” taking place. That is, men are going for intelligent, powerful women. 87% of single men would date a woman who makes ‘considerably more’ money and who is considerably better-educated and more intellectual than themselves; 86% seek a woman who is confident and self-assured, and 39% would also make a long-term commitment to a woman who is 10 or more years older.

So what’s holding you back ladies? It seems like you are in the driver’s seat when it comes to establishing a new relationship. “Technology is dramatically changing how we court, but it can’t change the brain systems for romance and attachment. And today’s singles are setting a high bar for courtship and marriage,” said Dr. Helen Fisher, anthropologist and lead researcher for Match.com’s study.

Zoosk has also come out with a study about the habits and preferences of online daters, so we can get a better picture of what singles are looking for. According to its figures, women like outdoor types – guys who posted pictures hiking, biking and other outdoor activities received 19% more messages than those who didn’t.

Also, selfies aren’t a great thing to use, unless you are expert with the camera. Women who took selfies received 4% more messages, while guys who posted selfies took a hit – they received 8% fewer messages. But the women who took full-body selfies? They received a whopping 203% more messages.

In both studies, men and women both preferred people who had a grasp of good grammar and spelling. If you chose to answer messages with “cuz” “im” or “u” – on average, you received 13% fewer messages on Zoosk. Match.com revealed this was the number one turn-off for daters (even over text), with 54% of women and 36% of men agreeing.

So if you’re looking for love in 2015, put a little time and effort into your search, and keep a positive outlook – you are in good company!

Here's a post-Valentine's Day reality check: happy couples may not be happy at all, just really good at deluding themselves.

Publications like Cosmo would have you believe that the secret to romantic success is seeing your partner as they truly are. And it does sound nice, but psychological research suggests it's the wrong approach. Instead, the key to a happy relationship is seeing your partner as you wish they were.

Just think about it for a second and suddenly it seems obvious: of course someone who believes their partner lives up to everything they've ever wanted is more satisfied with their relationship. How could they not be? Sure, they may be deceiving themselves, but can we say it's wrong if it works?

A study on the subject was published a few years back in the journal Psychological Science. A research team from the University at Buffalo and the University of British Columbia gathered together 200 couples who came to a courthouse in Buffalo, NY, to get marriage licenses. Then, twice a year for the next three years, the researchers questioned each person individually about themselves, their partners, and their visions of an ideal partner.

Afterwards, the answers were analyzed for certain patterns. The researchers sought out people who idealized their partners – those whose descriptions of their partner's traits matched their descriptions of their fictional perfect match (even if their partner did not self-report seeing those traits in him- or herself).

"If I see a pattern of traits that are more positive than what my partner says about themselves, that's what we mean by idealization," explains Dale Griffin, one of the study's co-authors. "That is, there is a correlation between my ideal set of traits and what I see in my partner that she does not see in herself."

Each time the researchers checked in with the couples, they also gave them a survey designed to measure relationship satisfaction. All couples reported a decline in happiness over time, but those who held positive illusions about their partners experienced significantly less of a decline.

The Psychological Science paper reports that “People in satisfying marital relationships see their own relationship as superior to other people's relationships” and that they also “see virtues in their partners that are not obvious to anyone else.” In fact, it gets even more extreme: “People in stable relationships even redefine what qualities they want in an ideal partner to match the qualities they perceive in their own partner.”

In other words, it's ok – and maybe even better – that love is a little blind.

Luckily, we live in the age of technology – so if you forgot to make plans for Valentine’s Day (and unfortunately it lands on a Saturday this year) – you might want to look to the app store for help.

If you are looking for a last-minute gift or card, here are some apps to try:

Red Stamp Cards - Need a thoughtful Valentine's Day card in a hurry? Snap a photo and you can quickly create a unique card for your Valentine with this free app. Cards can be tweeted, texted, emailed or posted to Instagram and Facebook.

BloomThat - If you forgot to order flowers and the local grocery store’s selection looks a little tired, this app can help you out of a last-minute problem. (And they can deliver their hand-crafted bouquets via bicycle in under 90 minutes, as opposed to florists where there is an 8-hour delivery window.) For iPhone users only.

Valentine’s Day can stir up a lot of emotion for singles. The holiday is pervasive –there’s the mountain of chocolates and pink hearts on display when you walk into your local grocery store, not to mention the bouquets and presents being delivered to your work colleagues as they squeal in delight.

Maybe you wonder: why is it that a Hallmark-manufactured holiday is still around, making couples spend money they don’t have and making singles feel like uninvited party guests? Sure, some people are now calling February 14^th “Singles Awareness day,” but does that really help the situation?

There are a few ways to buck the holiday – or at least, try to have some fun in spite of it. Instead of getting frustrated or venting with your friends about your single V-Day, try one or some of these to have a little fun:

Throw a party with your friends. There’s nothing stopping you from celebrating Valentine’s Day without a romantic partner. Why not acknowledge the love you have for your group of friends? They have been there through it all, so it’s good to recognize this. Grab some fondue, some wine and cheese and make it a night to celebrate!

Take a spa day. Why should couples have all the romantic fun? Treat yourself to a little TLC and splurge for a massage – maybe throw in a scrub or a facial, too. The point is – pamper yourself. There’s no reason you can’t have love for yourself on Valentine’s Day.

Host a dinner. If you’re not into throwing an informal party, invite a few friends over and try your hand at cooking a fabulous meal. If you’re not a chef, then see if one of your friends wants to pitch in or pick up some food from your favorite local spot. Then serve in fancy dishes around your table to make the night special. The point is to cultivate love.

Call a friend who’s far away. Not really feeling social? That’s okay, too. But if you choose to spend the night at home watching rom-coms in your pajamas, it might make you feel worse. Try calling your old friend who you talk to maybe once every couple of years. There’s nothing more meaningful than telling someone how much they mean to you, no matter how far away.

Volunteer. Valentine’s Day is a good time to acknowledge how much we have in our lives, and to share love with others. Do you love dogs? Try walking them at a local shelter. If you want to work with people, try reading to kids at your library. There are lots of opportunities if you look around you. In fact, everyone should look into this for Valentine’s Day, whether or not they are in a relationship.

The point of Valentine’s Day is to spread love, right? So let’s start with it in our own lives.