Searching

A few months ago, Brandon, a newly single friend, came to my city to visit me. What made the largest impression on him wasn’t the architecture or the attractions the city had to offer; it was the women. “Whoa, maybe I should move here,” he said, eyeing a group who were walking past us. “The women seem much more beautiful here.”

In reality, the women here are likely not any more attractive than in Brandon’s city; he was simply seeing them from a different perspective. We were at a park, in the midst of a hot summer, surrounded by beachwear; not at Brandon’s local grocery store. It’s also worth mentioning that Brandon was just out of a long-term relationship; he was probably actively looking at women much more than he had in years. And there’s one element that can’t be underestimated; the women, the faces, were simply different from the ones he normally encounters.

For many, the grass is very often greener on the other side of the fence. Even if you’re surrounded by attractive people, they soon become familiar. And if you associate negative connotations with them, that familiarity can breed contempt.

For example: let’s say you belong to an online dating site, and have for some time. It started out well, but lately you’ve been in a dating desert: no one seems to reply to your first-contact emails, and no new faces seem to be signing up. The same old profiles seem to mock you.

Instead of toughing it out, pinning way too many hopes and expectations on any new profile you see, why not take a break and enjoy different scenery? It could mean trying a different site, or even doing something different in your everyday routine - going to that park instead of looking for love at the grocery store, for instance.

Sometimes the only thing that will get you out of a rut is time, but that doesn’t mean you have to sit there, watching the clock. Why not try something outside your personal box? The grass just might be greener on the other side of that fence.

In online dating, the user name you choose is essentially your name. It’s one of the first things a potential match will see, and it’s how they’ll remember you, think of you. It’s all part of the first impression package - so let’s make sure you’re sending all the signals you intend to, and none that you don’t.

First, it’s good to have a user name that is somewhat memorable - to others as well as yourself. Sure, your first name and the year you were born might seem simple and fitting to someone who knows you, but here you’re telling potential matches that all you have to say about yourself is the year you were born (which might be a touchy subject to begin with). Similarly, you might want to avoid any names that paint you as lovelorn, like “waiting for Cupid” or “holding out for a pince/princess.” For one thing, it’s something of a cliche; for another, it’s redundant. After all, everyone is waiting for Cupid - how would that make you memorable?

Instead, think about your interests, or something that’s easily identifiable. For instance, if you have curly hair, you could use a play on that, or combine it with an interest. You could also just pick words that are interesting, memorable, and sound good together. If a potential match somehow loses your profile and wants to find you again, they’ll have a much easier time with a more unique name than wading through variations of names and numbers.

At the same time, you want to make sure your name doesn’t reveal anything you don’t want it to. Don’t use a name you tend to use elsewhere; you might have mentioned details about where you live, or work, and that’s not ideal when it comes to safety. You might have mentioned past relationships, or other personal details, and that’s not ideal when it comes to privacy and embarrassment. Either way, it’s best that your dating name is kept separate.

Finally, don’t forget to make use of a search engine and make sure your name isn’t taken by anyone or anything you wouldn’t want to be associated with. In this day and age, it’s hard to be completely unique, but if your user name is clearly held by, say, a company or a famous figure or someone spewing hate all over the internet, it’s worth tweaking it.

Choosing a user name doesn’t have to be stressful, but it shouldn’t be an afterthought, either. With just a few simple tips, you can come up with a name that’s more personalized and memorable - just another way to stand out from the crowd.

On the internet, we tend to be skeptical of anything that looks too good to be true - because, quite frequently, it is. Thus, when you encounter a profile that seems to hit all the right notes with you, it’s not a bad idea to copy and paste a bit into an internet search; is this really a great writer or a one-size-fits-all winner?

Don’t be shocked if your search returns more than one hit; after all, many people sign up for multiple sites, and it stands to reason that they’d crib from their own work for at least some of it. However, if the name, location, and general stats are all drastically different, but the profile itself is identical, it might be time to ask some difficult questions.

That being said, every plagiarized work has to come from somewhere, right? It may not be incredibly likely that you’ve stumbled upon the original author, but the chance does exist. If you’re willing to give your potential match a chance regardless of their questionable profile ethics, tread carefully and critically - do your email interactions sound like the same “voice”? Does this person display any other red flags you might otherwise normally ignore? You can also try the direct approach: ask them point-blank, “Are you aware this profile is used elsewhere on the internet in x different locations?”

If your profile has been sitting unchanged for some time, there’s also a chance you’ve unwittingly been copied elsewhere. Try doing a search for your own profile; you might be surprised at what comes up! The chance of being mistaken for a plagiarizer, or worse, a scammer, is yet another reason to update your profile regularly. And eluding a search engine shouldn’t be your only focus; your profile may have been great when you first wrote it years ago, but does it accurately reflect who you are today? Remember, you want someone to be interested in you as you are now, not a previous version.

An internet search engine seems like an unlikely companion in online dating, but it can be a great ally. Not only can it be an aid in assessing your own gut instincts, it can prevent you from some embarrassment of your own.

Are online daters picky about physical appearances? OkCupid thinks so. The company recently launched a VIP service for members where by paying an extra fee, they can choose their preferences for a date's body type.

While OkCupid has garnered some criticism for this bold move, there is plenty of evidence that online daters do care a lot about physical appearances. Pictures play an important role in the filtering process for many daters. The majority view pictures first to see whether or not they want to reach out to a potential date.

"The truth about humanity that maybe people don't want to admit is that an important part of physical and sexual attraction is superficial," Sam Yagan, CEO of OkCupid and also of Match.com told TODAY.com. "If you ask someone, 'Why did you get married?' You'll hear, 'Oh, he makes me laugh' and all that stuff. And that's all true. I'm sure he does make you laugh. You also think he's hot."

The VIP service allows users to choose their preferred body type, whether it's "thin," "athletic," overweight," or even "used up," and are matched accordingly. According to Yagan, he's just saving people the time. "People have strong preferences on body type," he says.

There is a case to be made for those who support the VIP service. Most online dating sites encourage people to post photos for a reason - they want to see what their dates looks like before they send an email or even pick up the phone. There is not really a difference with OkCupid's members, except that they can pay for the priveledge of keeping certain people out of their match list.

Critics maintain that people look deeper than physical appearances when they are hoping to find a relationship and not just a date or hook-up. Sites like eHarmony argue that these types of filters prevent people from meeting who otherwise might be attracted to less superficial factors - such as each other's interests, political viewpoints, or even educational background.

Plus, the filter is subjective. One man might consider himself "athletic" when others see him as "average," skewing the results. A woman might not want to admit she's overweight and therefore lie to avoid being filtered out of searches. Many online daters have already been burned by dates not looking like their pictures. While OkCupid's filters are meant to help the situation, it may cause even more daters to lie about their appearance.

Although OkCupid hasn't released numbers on how many members have joined the VIP service, they admit there's been a lot of interest.

“Stephanie” didn’t grow up in her current city of residence, but she may as well have; she’s lived there for over a decade, longer than anywhere else. It’s a city that’s seen her through college, through her party years, through her entire professional life. It’s a city that’s been kind enough to provide her with a wide but close-knit circle of friends and acquaintances.

There’s just one problem: when it comes to dating, that circle can seem a little too close-knit. Over the years, it seems almost every possible pairing has already taken place. Any “new” person introduced to Stephanie seems to already have a “past” with someone else she knows. And those wild flings and moments of youthful craziness that happened several years ago are seemingly never forgotten amongst friends.

You don’t have to live in a small town to feel like your pool of prospects is shrinking; sometimes even big cities can have an “everyone knows everyone” effect, particularly in a specific culture or interest. What to do when that scene goes stale?

One possible first step is to turn to online dating. Instead of meeting someone at a local watering hole (who would likely know someone else there) or being introduced through a mutual friend (who is now a social link), you can “start fresh.” No preconceived notions, no ancient gossip, no baggage you’ve actually met.

The problem is that it can even be difficult to escape your social circle on an online dating site. Once you start searching for your usual interests, you might narrow your search right on down to people you already know (or their friends). This is where experimenting can be fun and revealing. Instead of emphasizing the side of you that most already know, think about who you really are.

Maybe you’ve met most of your friends through your volunteer work - and though that certainly is a part of who you are, you don’t really know anyone who can bond with you over your secret love of old horror films. In your new profile, try playing up the film buff side and see who you meet. You can remain true to yourself and still think outside the box. Remember to keep an open mind when you look at the profiles of others, too! They might not be your normal type - but maybe that’s a good thing.

A social circle, while comforting, can also feel claustrophobic. However, if you want to reach outside the group for new romance like Stephanie, you don’t have to move away to accomplish it. Sometimes it can be as simple as looking at an online dating site with a fresh perspective.

Why is everyone suddenly upset about OkCupid's A-List membership? Anyone with the ability to read - which I assume is the vast majority of the OkCupid userbase - should have known long ago about the little quirk that's been getting everyone's goat this week.

Let me back up a little bit. OkCupid's best functionality, like pretty much every other dating site, is saved for its paying members. Members of OkCupid's A-List receive perks like the ability to browse profiles invisibly, proof that their messages have been opened, and special match search options. It's that last one that's got everybody up in arms all of a sudden.

James Cook of KernelMag.com recently wrote that, by paying the $4.95 monthly fee for A-List membership, you can "make all those fat, ugly people on the internet go away" and called OkCupid's premium search options "eyebrow-raising in an era of tolerance and political correctness."

Whew. Those are some seriously inflammatory, designed-to-cause-outrage-and-garner-clicks statements! But are they true?

Well, yeah, technically they are. A-List members can filter their search results based on body type, so yes - a user could filter out anyone who describes themselves as "overweight," "a little extra," "curvy," "full figured," or "used up." They can also filter their search results based on members' crowdsourced ratings so they are only shown profiles that receive 5/5 stars.

But I think it's shortsighted to focus only on that. Every other body type is also represented, so an A-List member could filter out anyone who describes themselves as "thin" or "skinny" just as easily (not everyone is into that, remember?). Or maybe you're not a fan of the bodybuilder, hyper-muscled physique. No problem - just filter out anyone who calls themselves "jacked."

The thing is, every single one of us is doing this in real life anyway, aren't we? Of course it's shallow - no one is denying that - but it's reality. We make snap judgments about potential dates based on what we are and aren't attracted to all the time. Would life be better if we didn't? Absolutely! But it's not happening any time soon, and I think it's unfair to fault people for having preferences as long as they aren't being narrow-minded jerks about it.

And if they are being narrow-minded jerks about it...well...there's another way to look at this A-List search "scandal." If you hate the idea of people being able to filter you out by your body type, think of it this way: they're simultaneously filtering themselves out of your life. They get what they want and you get fewer shallow jerks in your life...it's a win for everyone.