Advice

An online dating profile is supposed to present you at your best and most confident - so why does writing one often make you feel insecure? Sam, a friend, encountered this conundrum when he attempted to write a new profile.

“I feel like I’m supposed to be writing about all the great things I’ve done, but all I can focus on is the stuff I haven’t done,” he lamented. “My job pays the bills, but I’m no secret agent. I don’t go rock-climbing or hang-gliding on the weekends, and I don’t have five college degrees. All I can focus on is the fact that I’m not some smart, rich model.”

Obviously, Sam’s being unfair to himself and his great qualities - as we all are, from time to time. So how can we break out of that rut?

To put it simply, stop focusing on what you have done and think about what you’d like to do. Our future is the focus, not our past. Additionally, potential dates tend to like someone with a positive, optimistic approach.

Once you start to think positively about the future, even the present and past don’t look that bad anymore. For example, Sam eventually admitted that his “bill-paying” job is actually providing an opportunity to get into an industry he loves. He might not participate in extreme sports, but he does have hobbies he can speak passionately about. And while he may not be a super-genius, he’s no slouch in the brains department.

Most importantly, he’s excited about the possibilities the future could bring. “When I stopped freaking out, I realized no one’s life ever goes exactly according to plan,” he said with a shrug. “Probably everyone feels the same way I do. But if I can show that I don’t let that sort of stuff normally get me down, I’ll already be ahead of the game, and people will already know something about who I am.”

And Sam’s quite right. With a positive outlook, he will be ahead of the game - in writing an interesting profile, and in his chances at love.

One of the most surprising issues about online dating is the matter of who contacts whom. People of both genders get surprisingly caught up in this dilemma. Sometimes it really is about gender: a woman might think she can’t the first move, or a man thinks he’s tired of doing so.

Most of the time, however, it’s about confidence. Someone thinks the person they’re interested in is “out of their league.” Or perhaps they don’t fit the other person’s search criteria precisely - they’re not the right age, or height, or level of fitness. Whatever the reason, they’re interested in a profile, but something stops them before they can send a first-contact email.

Let’s take a moment to consider the purpose of using an online dating site. Chances are, you’re using one because you want to meet more people than you currently are. Maybe your area is devoid of singles, or you don’t work with anyone in your age bracket. Maybe you just want to broaden your pool of options. Regardless, the dating is all still taking place in person, so the sole purpose of the online dating site is to facilitate that first meeting.

How useful is online dating if you’re too afraid to actually say hello to the people in which you’re interested?

Remember, when you send a first-contact email, you’re not signing up for a relationship. You’re not making a commitment. You’re just saying hello. A fair percentage of first-contact emails don’t even go much further than that. If you’re sending out those emails to anyone who piques your interest, the number of unanswered emails or negative responses is just a fact of life; if you’re too timid and only send one or two to begin with, it can seem devastating.

In short, you have virtually nothing to lose by saying hello, but great potential for gain. Sending more first-contact emails will only reduce the anxiety, stress and intimidation factor. So why aren’t you sending more?

Maybe you're familiar with this scenario: You've been dating a great guy - you have loads of chemistry, he's smart and funny, and you get along well. But sometimes his behavior is a little unsettling, frustrating or confusing. Maybe he prefers to sit on the couch and play video games instead of looking for a new job. Or maybe he leans on you a lot for support financially or emotionally. Or maybe he drinks too often, or sometimes flirts way too much with other women.

You might think to yourself, "I know he's not perfect, but he's got so much potential! Some of his bad behavior results from his own insecurities. He doesn't know how wonderful he really is. But I can change him---I can show him how to be better!"

Sound familiar? It's easy to make excuses for someone and overlook bad behavior when you're in love. After all, you want to see all the positives. And if people can change, why not try to help?

The problem with this thinking is that you are the one trying to take control over the relationship, and in effect, over someone else. But this is impossible to do.

We can't control others. No matter how much you want to try to change someone, unless he wants to change himself, you won't get anywhere. It is not your responsibility (or decision) to decide how someone else conducts his or her life. It's not your job to be a savior. Each person is responsible for his own choices, his own mistakes, and his own trajectory in life.

So what does this mean when you're dating? How can you reach a mutual state of love and respect when the relationship seems so clearly one-sided, with you always coming to the rescue or tolerating his bad behavior? You don't want to be taken advantage of, and you want him to change.

The bad news is, after all of your efforts to try to change someone else, you can only change yourself. The good news is that you do have complete control over yourself. This means you can decide when (and how much) you let your boyfriend's needs or problems take over.

Instead of hassling him about getting a job or drinking less, ask yourself what you're getting out of the relationship, and if you're willing to stay in it if things are the same a year from now, or five years from now. If the thought fills you with dread, then maybe it's time to reevaluate your relationship and decide whether or not he's right for you.

Bottom line: Don't expect others to change. You can't "fix" someone else. So instead, communicate your expectations for the relationship: your wants, needs, and desires, and see if you both can come to an understanding to support each other. If not, maybe it's time to move on.

Dating sites tell you a lot of things:

• That there's no stigma around online dating anymore.
• That the Internet a safe, fun, and efficient way to meet people.
• That using a carefully-crafted matching algorithm gives you a greater chance of finding love than chance meetings.
• That online dating opens you up to a world of partner possibilities that you never would have had otherwise.

But have you ever wondered what dating sites aren't telling you? What do they know that you don't?

CBSMarketeWatch.com asked the same questions, and compiled a list of 10 things online dating sites won't tell you about the risks and rewards of looking for love online.

1. Finding a soul mate is expensive. Some sites, like POF.com and OkCupid, offer services for free, but most charge a fee. Users can often save by purchasing multiple months at a time, but fees can easily add up thanks to the automatic subscription renewals employed by many sites.
2. Everyone is single sooner or later. It used to be that "online dating" was a dirty word. Now couples are happy to admit they were introduced via the Net, and the Web is becoming a particularly popular way for niche singles to meet. A significant percentage of online daters are baby boomers, an age group that is more likely to be single, divorced or widowed compared to the general population.
3. Cupid's arrow often misses. They can't all be winners. Even the most advanced algorithm isn't a foolproof system. Dating sites are getting increasingly good at pairing up compatible singles, but there's still plenty of room for improvement.
4. So many liars, so little time. Over half of U.S. online daters lie on their profiles, says a survey by global research company Opinion Matters, and dating sites do very little to ensure that members are being truthful. It's up to you separate the honest singles from the scammers and truth-stretchers.
5. And you thought Facebook was nosy. It's easy to get sucked into the Web's promise of anonymity and overshare. eHarmony asks users to respond to nearly 150 questions. OkCupid users can answer thousands of questions at any time, on just about any subject. All those responses mean lots of data, and lots of opportunities for the sites to sell that data to third parties. Most don't, but it's still something to consider.

Hold tight...check back later for the second half of the list.

There's something to be said for the age-old relationship advice "take it slow." After all, you don't want to put your heart on the line for a relationship that doesn't have any legs.

When you first meet someone and you find him incredibly compelling and attractive, or you have amazing chemistry, it's hard not to fantasize and get excited about where the relationship will go. After all, chemistry doesn't happen often.

Just because the two of you have good chemistry or find each other very attractive doesn't mean that you go fast forward into a new relationship. Actually, I recommend the opposite - what may sound counter-intuitive to you - to go slow.

While chemistry is important, keep in mind that this is a person you don't know. While you may share a few intimate details with each other on a first date, you hardly know anything about him - how well he communicates in a relationship, what his day typically looks like, how he interacts with his friends and family, and how he treats people in everyday life. All of these things aren't questions to be asked, but observations to make over time.

Also, you don't know if you're both looking for the same thing when it comes to a relationship. Ever had the experience of a fabulous first date, envisioning your relationship progressing to romantic weekends together and taking him to meet your family? Were you expecting to see him a couple of days later, and then suddenly he disappears, with no text or call? This can happen for a lot of reasons - perhaps he wasn't looking for a relationship, or maybe his perception of the evening was a little different than yours, or maybe he met someone else.

It's a waste of energy to try and figure out what went wrong. It's best to move on, and to take a different action the next time. Instead of allowing your mind and heart to jump ahead to your future relationship, concentrate on the present.

When you're embarking on a new relationship, it's important to keep your own life moving forward. Keep dating other people, make plans with your friends, and see how the relationship progresses. Set boundaries for yourself and stick to them. Get to know him in different settings, including with your friends (who can be objective observers). Don't share all the intimate details of your life or skeletons in your closet with him right away - leave some mystery.

Most importantly, stay in the present instead of fantasizing about what your future relationship will look like. It will allow you to see and understand more, and truly know if he's right for you.

For many, online dating is an all-or-nothing decision. Once they’ve decided to sign on, they’re looking up all they can about writing a great profile, they’re contacting others right away, and they want to get this party started. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this approach; in fact, that enthusiasm can shine through into their profile.

But not everyone has that extroverted personality that allows them to dive in immediately. What many don’t realize is that taking the slow, careful approach to online dating can absolutely work as well.

First of all, while there’s nothing wrong with enthusiasm, sometimes in our rush to create a profile immediately we can get a little sloppy. Whether it’s a simple typo or a completely different approach, many wind up editing their thoughts later. On the other hand, there’s nothing that says you absolutely have to have a profile before you begin perusing those of others. Becoming familiar with dating profiles, making notes of what you like, even checking out the competition and making notes on that - these can all help you formulate and refine your own thoughts before you even sit down to write.

Some people are nervous about setting foot into the dating scene at all, and online dating is a perfect way to ease in gently. Instead of forcing yourself to meet someone face-to-face, you can get a sense of what might be out there from the security of your own screen.

And, indeed, that can lead to additional enthusiasm. If you’ve ever read an online forum or social networking site without your own profile, you may have found that by the time you do sign up, you’re familiar with the site and eager to contribute. By waiting to create a dating profile until you’ve already seen a few people you’d like to contact, you’ve turned the whole thing into a positive, fun event, without the anxiety of wondering where to begin.

Thus, being a bit introverted or shy is no reason to think that online dating has to be daunting or uncomfortable. Even more so than other methods of meeting someone, online dating sites allow you to move at your own pace. And when you do start sending those first-contact emails and writing your profile, you’ll be all the more confident and ready.