Advice

Everyone wants to be seen as interesting and multi-dimensional, and that can seem even more important when you’re writing a dating profile. After all, you can have a good time but be low-key as well! You can can dress down or up! You’re like one of those toys that can morph from an 18-wheeler truck to a refrigerator! But how to get that across in a limited amount of space?

The problem is, that “best of both worlds!” approach is sort of becoming a cliche. It should be a given that human beings are versatile, and we all have different sides to our personalities. Perhaps the most revolutionary approach to your profile might be to discard that approach altogether.

After all, a profile is the equivalent of a first impression, not a resume or a job application. Imagine a real-life first impression: you see someone in a public place - a concert? A bookstore? A microbrewery? - so you’ve only got a single location for context. The person that has caught your eye is wearing clothes; just one outfit, of course. After all, they’re a person, not a paper doll with an instant wardrobe of options. Thus, you’ve only got one outfit to see them in.

Once you approach them, you probably start off with some small talk appropriate to the venue and context you’re in. So far, everything seems very, well, one-dimensional. And yet, this is how we make friends and acquaintances every day. As you get to know them - maybe even in the space of that very first chat - other layers are revealed. But, most importantly, those other layers weren’t necessary to get you interested in the first place.

So think of your profile as your first impression. Try setting a scene instead of listing all of your interests. Your profile doesn’t have to necessarily stick to a theme, but instead of feeling like you have to encompass the broadest range possible, view too many extras as muddying the waters. Think about what you’d like someone to know about you first and foremost, and concentrate on that.

As dating is a very unique and personal experience, it’s possible you’ll want to switch up your profile later. But why not try an approach that’s a little out of the norm? By trying to prove you’re unique with many facets, you might just be sounding like everyone else.

Instant gratification is part of our lives. Whether we want a coffee or an iPhone, we can get it right now. There's no such thing as saving up for a new couch when you could put it on the credit card or even layaway and take it home right away. Or take social media. When I post something on Facebook or Twitter, I can get responses almost instantly, which makes me post even more.

So with our proclivity to instant gratification, does it affect our dating lives? Are you expecting relationships to just "happen" with the right chemistry? Are you having sex whenever you want, even when you aren't necessarily into the guy/ girl? Do you think to yourself that you can't commit because you might meet someone else even better tomorrow?

When you're online dating, it's easy to fall into this mental trap. After all, with one click you can search through hundreds of profiles and have dates lined up every day of the week. There's always somebody new to meet, someone to have sex with, which can make us feel that there's always something better around the corner without really looking at the person right on front of us. This can be especially true in big cities where the possibilities for dating seem endless.

Or if you're the type to jump into a relationship quickly because the chemistry is so intense, you're giving in to instant gratification as well. The truth is, you don't yet know the person, so you're projecting your ideal relationship and romantic partner onto him without even realizing it. And when you actually get to know each other, these assumptions and beliefs fall away, and you're left angry and confused.

Neither scenario feels like a healthy way to date. Looking to satisfy your need for instant gratification won't bring about what most people truly desire, a real and lasting relationship. We want to connect. We want to love. But sometimes, this feels more scary than doing what we know and following the same unhealthy patterns.

Instead of jumping headfirst into your next relationship, or dating so many men/ women that you can't keep their names straight, try doing the opposite. Try focusing on one date at a time. Instead of pushing things forward, let your dating progress at a slow pace. It will feel strange, but it will allow you some freedom. You'll get to know each other on a deeper level without the intensity (and commitment).

Take it one date at a time, and see if your next relationship turns out differently.

It’s been frequently said that when it comes to dating, the first place to look is not just at the profiles of others, but at yourself. This is particularly true when you’re considering the type of person you’d like to meet.

Though it’s a section that’s included in most online dating profiles, many people hardly give it a second thought. As a result, you’ll see lots of generic cliches: someone funny, someone attractive, someone who enjoys long walks on the beach. While not particularly offensive, such a list doesn’t really help you; it doesn’t help you focus on what you actually want as you customize your searches, and it doesn’t help the reader get a sense about whether you’re actually compatible.

Thus, the first step is to sit down and really think about the kind of person you’re looking for. Are you looking for a person with personality traits complementary to your own, or similar? What kind of partner are you looking for? Now, separate from that, what kind of person are you looking for? As you go on dates, you might reevaluate your priorities, striking and adding qualities to your list.

Once you feel you have a more honest and less generic idea of who you’re looking for, the next step is to ensure that you’re the kind of person you’d want to date. Even if you’re looking for someone with complementary traits, there are likely many positive qualities you’d like to share. For example, are you as polite, kind and considerate as you’d expect your date to be? Are you as open-minded and non-judgmental? Do you seek adventure, like your dream partner? Even if we like an idea in theory, it can be easy to get lazy in our everyday lives, and our behavior can slip.

By being the sort of person we’d like to date, we have a higher chance of meeting and attracting just that sort of person. And, in the meantime, we have the added bonus of doing the things we enjoy and striving to be the sort of person we admire.

So as you sit down to write about the kind of person you’re hoping to meet, ask yourself: are you being honest and specific about your hopes and expectations? And are you the sort of person you’d like to meet?

Most of us are at least familiar with social media like Facebook, Twitter, FourSquare, and the like. Many of us have accounts and check them on a regular basis. Some of us keep privacy settings high while others put themselves out there to gain a larger client and networking base. Some feel compelled to post constantly - where they are going for dinner or what they just said to a work colleague, while others prefer to post only occasionally with meaningful advice or news.

We all perceive social media in different ways and use it for different reasons. This is why it can get tricky when you incorporate dating into your virtual mix.

Obviously, there are a lot of opportunities for connecting with other singles over social media. But reaching out to people virtually comes with risk. How do you feel about potential dates - and strangers - knowing so much about you through Facebook or Twitter before you even meet face to face?

Following are a few basic guidelines to remember when dealing with social media and dating:

Don't be afraid to connect. There are many dating tools that utilize the power of Facebook to connect you with people in your social circles that you don't necessarily know. Check out CoffeeMeetsBagel or TheDatable if you want to promote your other single Facebook friends in the dating pool. These apps are selective about the information shared, limited to your likes and profile photos.

Know your privacy settings. You don't have to make your social media posts public to everyone. It's important to know your privacy settings, especially on Facebook or Google+ where you can customize by post or picture. It's good to be aware of how you present yourself online to people who don't know anything about you. This goes not only for dating, but also for your career.

Don't post rants about your dates. Think about it - if you were interested in someone, friended him on Facebook, and then saw posts about how terrible his last five dates were, you might reconsider asking him out. Try not to scare off potential dates by making them think you'll write about them, too. Keep your dating life discussions limited to in-person gatherings with your friends.

Exchange numbers first. While it might seem easier to connect on Facebook and drop a casual message to someone you just met at a party, it's better to exchange phone numbers. When you let someone into your Facebook world too soon, they have access to all kind of information - your exes, where you went to school, those party pics from last weekend. People often draw inaccurate conclusions quickly. Instead, keep a little mystery and send a text instead. Friend him later.

One of the best things about online dating is its ability to connect you with more potential partners, from anywhere in the world, than you would ever encounter in real life.

One of the worst things about online is its ability to connect you with more potential partners, from anywhere in the world, than you would ever encounter in real life. All that choice is more than a little overwhelming, and when we're faced with an overwhelming number of choices we tend not to make any decisions at all.

What's the point of spending all that time browsing profiles if you're only going to window shop? Online dating doesn't do you any good unless you actually remember to do the 'dating' part, too.

Learning how to online date efficiently wasn't easy, but after enough wasted hours and dead-end profiles I've finally figured out a few key ways to identify dates with real potential. If you're in the market for something more serious than a few flirty messages or a quick hookup, be on the lookout for these four signs you've found a promising partner:

1. They've got a positive outlook on life. You wouldn't want to spend your life with someone who was consistently pessimistic, so why start a relationship with someone who is already showing off their negative side? Profiles that are cynical about relationships, whine about their exes, or otherwise talk about the ways life gets them down are not good date material.
2. They're confident but humble. There's a fine line to walk when you're dating online - you have to present your positive qualities (because if you don't, who will?), but you don't want to come off as arrogant or narcissistic. Avoid profiles that cross the line and seem more interested in talking about themselves than learning about you.
3. They've got something going for them. That 'something' can be pretty much anything - an intriguing hobby, a passion for travel, an interesting job - as long as it exists. What you don't want is a profile that seems totally directionless. If every picture takes place in a nightclub and is captioned with something about how wasted they were that night, long-term dating probably isn't in the cards.
4. They're taking it seriously. We've all run across those profiles that consist of only a few sentences, one of which is probably something about how they don't know what to say or aren't really sure about the online dating thing. Don't date a waffler. Unless it's clear that they have a profile because they're genuinely interested in meeting someone to date, don't waste your time.

Imagine an online profile that went something like this:

“I’m not like the others. I don’t like chick flicks or horror films. I also don’t like science fiction, action or adventure. I can’t stand Thai food, and pizza is the worst of all. I’m not interested in hiking or any sort of athletic activity; frisbee is probably the most pointless game ever. If you’re looking for someone with whom to make spontaneous plans, I’m not your person. Oh, and if you’re looking for fun, you might as well skip this profile right now. Message me if you’ve got the nerve!”

Sounds silly, right? Not to mention completely negative. You can almost imagine the dour expression of the author as they flatly list off everything they can’t stand. Plus, we still don’t know much about the author other than their negative attitude; we know what they don’t like, but nothing about what they do. But in reality, no one would ever write a profile like this - right?

Well, maybe not exactly, but it’s actually not uncommon to come across profiles that spend more time talking about who they’re not and what they’re not looking for than any concrete, positive details about themselves. You might have seen something like this:

“I’m not looking for drama - in fact, I hate playing games. If you’re someone high-maintenance who demands to know my every move, you’re probably not for me. I’m not a big partier, and I think most clubs are a waste of time. If you’re a member of another religion or political party, thanks but no thanks. Not interested in people who don’t have a sense of humor or can’t understand sarcasm. It may sound blunt, but I tell it like it is. Message me if you think you can handle it.”

Again, the example is a little extreme when taken as a whole, but the individual statements pop up all the time. Just like the first example, the statements bring down the tone of the profile, making it feel negative, and they still fail to state anything much about the author (other than a red flag).

Those individual statements can sound innocuous when surrounded by interesting, positive material, so they have a tendency to creep in without our realizing them. As such, one statement can probably be overlooked (unless it’s your own profile, in which case you might want to reword if possible). However, more negative statements like these should indeed be a red flag; if nothing else, they might be indicative of a generally negative outlook.

So as you glance over your own profile as well as those of others, think critically about what the profile is really saying. Does the profile tell you about the author and draw you in? Or do you have a better idea of what their dislikes and dealbreakers are?