Advice

When it comes to dating, particularly online, you might hear someone with a warning that seems rather deflating: "Have reasonable expectations." It’s easy to be a bit turned off from this advice, or maybe even feel a little huffy: Well, of course you have reasonable expectations. You’re not expecting to date only movie stars and models, right? Are they really just trying to tell you to settle?

Not necessarily; in fact, they may not be talking specifically about appearances at all. For some, the expectations that need to be checked have less to do with whether you’re looking for a supermodel or a Prince Charming, and more to do with whether you’re expecting to feel like you’ve met a supermodel or a Prince Charming.

After all, we all know that love comes in all shapes and sizes, and that everyone’s version of “the perfect match” is different. You’re not looking to find someone perfect - but it’s entirely possible that you’re expecting to find someone perfect for you. And furthermore, you’re expecting to recognize them as your perfect match on your first date.

Those are the expectations that may need tweaking. Yes, there is such a thing as instant chemistry. Perhaps you have a best friend with whom you forged an instant connection. The thing is, you probably made many other friends throughout your life, and felt an instant “spark” with some of them, but not all friendships may have stood the test of time. You might be able to recognize chemistry, but how do you know which ones will endure? And in the case of love, will you feel instantly “different” about someone who’s right for you?

Everyone’s different, but chances are, you won’t be able to tell much beyond whether or not you like each other after that first date. Fireworks and dream sequences come later, or maybe your memories fill that part in once you’re in love. If you’re heading out to your first date expecting to fall in love, you might need to rethink your expectations.

Instead, focus on whether or not you and your date enjoy each other’s company, and whether or not you’d like to see each other again soon. It might seem like a simple baby step, and you might be anxious to get to the fairy tale romance. But remember: it’s only in retrospect that those first baby steps become significant. For now, enjoy the moment - it’ll be much less stressful, and more fun, for you both.

eHarmony is one of the biggest dating sites in the biz. 438 eHarmony members marry every day in the United States, making the site responsible for nearly 4% of U.S. marriages.

Granted, that data comes from a 2012 survey conducted for the site by Harris Interactive, but I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. eHarmony clearly has a good thing going, and they must have learned a thing or two about finding love online over the course of their 10+ year history.

The eHarmony blog recently tackled the topic of profile-writing strategies to optimize interest from potential matches. These were their picks for the 10 things you should never write in an online dating profile:

1. Never dismiss online dating. It's a classic "Don't bite the hand that feeds you" thing. If you want to meet a date online, it's probably best if you don't start things off by insulting online dating and the people who try it. Just sayin'.
2. Never lie. You're bored of hearing this one, so I'll keep it short: your lies only last as long as the conversation remains online. As soon as you're face-to-face with a date, it's obvious that you're shorter, older, a different weight, etc., so don't bother pretending otherwise.
3. Never list what you're looking for money-wise or baby-wise in a relationship. I have to (partially) disagree here. Sure, money is probably a conversation better left for a future date, but if you are a parent or it's important to you that you're a parent in the future, I vote for putting it in your profile. There's no point in wasting time with dates who don't share your plans re: children.
4. Never use your profile to write about the ex. Treat your profile like a first date. Your ex is not an appropriate topic of conversation in either situation.
5. Never whine. No one's looking for a pessimist to add to their life. Complaining about singlehood, previous relationships, and your bad dating experiences is not going to win over potential matches.
6. Never ramble. Your profile should be complete, but it should not be a dissertation on your life. Keep it concise and interesting, and make sure you leave some discoveries left over for when you're actually on a date.
7. Don't be too vague or use too many clichéd phrases. You enjoy having fun and spending time with your friends? Wow, what a coincidence - so do I. And so does everyone else on the planet. Yawn. Fill your profile with details that actually reflect you as an individual.
8. Never divulge too much personal information. We're talking contact info, place of work, home address...anything that identifies you and your whereabouts so specifically is just begging for a stalker.
9. Never indulge the inner narcissist. Be clear about what you want in a partner, but phrase it nicely. Ditch the sentences about what you 'deserve.'
10. Never leave things blank. It makes a bad first impression. If you can't put the effort into filling out your profile, what kind of effort are you going to put into a relationship?

For more on this dating site you can read our review of eHarmony.

As one might expect, we tend to take a very self-oriented approach when it comes to reading the dating profiles of others. In other words, while we’re reading we’re constantly asking ourselves whether we “fit” what the other person is looking for. This is natural, and in fact, it can be helpful to assume that others are doing the same thing when you’re writing your own profile.

However, it can be useful to look a little outside ourselves when we’re perusing profiles. Just as you can gain an insight into someone’s character by witnessing how they treat wait staff on a date, so too can you glean information by observing how others are treated on a dating profile.

For example, let’s say someone is looking for a very specific physical type. You may fit that physical type and generally think no more of it. But is the author of the profile direct and honest, or do they feel the need to make dramatic statements like “No one overweight! Put down the cookie, yeesh!”? If it’s the latter, they might be telling you more about themselves than their physical preferences.

Similarly, some profiles allow you to select the various races and ethnicities from which you might be interested in meeting someone. But if someone makes a big deal and says they’re willing to date people from every race except one specific one, it might be worth noting, even if you’re within one of the “acceptable” races.

Some people are simply attracted to a narrow range of types, and there’s nothing wrong with being specific on an online dating profile; after all, that’s how we customize our searches. But sometimes our profiles tell much more about ourselves and our character than we even intend. It’s not a bad idea to pay attention to these clues and even red flags, even if they don’t specifically pertain to us.

It also doesn’t hurt to skim back over our own profiles, our own phrasing, and make sure we’re not sending messages we didn’t intend. Is your profile consistent with your character?

When you're online dating, sometimes it can be hard to tell what a potential match's relationship goals might be. Is she looking for a fling, or something more substantial? Many people don't reveal their true intentions in a dating profile, but they do provide some clues.

New research by The University of Texas found that when a woman is looking for a fling, she tends to talk about herself in her profile. But if she focuses on the traits she desires in a man, she's likely looking for something more serious.

For the study, researchers asked single women to record video profiles for an online dating site. After the video was recorded the women were asked questions about their relationship goals. They discovered that women who talked about the kind of partner they wanted were more selective, whereas the women advertising themselves were just looking to have fun.

Following are a few more tips to help you recognize what her relationship intentions are:

She's completed a profile. Most women who are serious spend a lot of time answering questions and writing profile descriptions, compared to those who aren't. The more thoughtful she is in her approach and the more she shares what she wants, the more likely she is looking for a relationship. If she leaves a lot of blank spaces, chances are she's not so committed.

She's responsive. Many people set up online dating profiles just to scroll through pictures and see who's out there. If you notice she hasn't checked in for a week, or she responded to your emails and then abruptly stopped, then chances are she's not really invested in finding a new relationship (or she already found someone else). However, if she's engaging you in digital conversation, respond in a timely manner. It means she's interested.

She pays for the site. Yes, there is a difference between daters who sign up for the free sites compared with those who are willing to shell out some dough. When you pay for online dating, you tend to be more serious, because let's face it - it's easy to meet people for free. (This is especially true for women---they get all kinds of emails when they sign up for free dating sites.) But if you want to meet a quality match who is also willing to pay (a.k.a. find a real relationship), then you're best bet is to pay for it.

Is it just me, or are friends really bad at selling online dating?

First they say "Oh, you should totally try it! Online dating is a great way to meet people!" Then they follow it up with "This one time, this awful thing happened to me..."

They get you all pumped up about online dating only to tear you right back down again with a horror story of a fake profile, creepy message, or incredibly awkward date. And now we've got a constant barrage of warnings coming from the media to contend with (Scams! Con men! Catfish!), too.

With that cloud of negativity hanging in the air, it's a wonder anyone ever ventures to dip a toe in the Internet dating pool. I can't even remember what finally convinced me to do it - I'd just had enough of the crazy rumors and wasn't going to let anything scare me out of it.

I'm glad I took the plunge, because it turns out that there are a lot of totally bogus myths out there, and online dating is actually a lot of fun. If MythBusters tackled online dating, this is what the episode would say:

1. Online dating is not just for 'old people' who are divorced and lonely. Not even close. Online dating these days is an indispensable tool for meeting people from all walks of life. Young, old, middle aged...single, separated, divorced, attached...everyone is logging on to meet romantic partners, casual hookups, and new friends.
2. Online dating isn't just for weirdoes, either. Yeah, you might encounter a weirdo or two (just think of it as added entertainment value when you do), but most of the men and women on dating sites aren't. It's easier than you think to identify the nuttier profiles, and if you look hard enough you might even find someone who's the same kind of weird as you.
3. People who date online aren't just after sex. Maybe you are, and that's ok. There are plenty of sites that cater to casual encounters. But if you're not, don't let those sites scare you away. There are also plenty of people online who are looking for love and long-term relationships. Just be sure to choose a site that's designed for what you're looking for.
4. Meeting someone online isn't embarrassing. Was it cozy beneath that rock you've been living under? It's 2013, and we're totally over the online dating stigma. In fact, I have friends who lied and said they met online because they were too embarrassed by how they actually met (shh...don't tell them I told you). How's that for a switcheroo?

And this is what it looks like when you blow up a computer, because no MythBusters episode is complete without an explosion.

Everyone wants to be seen as interesting and multi-dimensional, and that can seem even more important when you’re writing a dating profile. After all, you can have a good time but be low-key as well! You can can dress down or up! You’re like one of those toys that can morph from an 18-wheeler truck to a refrigerator! But how to get that across in a limited amount of space?

The problem is, that “best of both worlds!” approach is sort of becoming a cliche. It should be a given that human beings are versatile, and we all have different sides to our personalities. Perhaps the most revolutionary approach to your profile might be to discard that approach altogether.

After all, a profile is the equivalent of a first impression, not a resume or a job application. Imagine a real-life first impression: you see someone in a public place - a concert? A bookstore? A microbrewery? - so you’ve only got a single location for context. The person that has caught your eye is wearing clothes; just one outfit, of course. After all, they’re a person, not a paper doll with an instant wardrobe of options. Thus, you’ve only got one outfit to see them in.

Once you approach them, you probably start off with some small talk appropriate to the venue and context you’re in. So far, everything seems very, well, one-dimensional. And yet, this is how we make friends and acquaintances every day. As you get to know them - maybe even in the space of that very first chat - other layers are revealed. But, most importantly, those other layers weren’t necessary to get you interested in the first place.

So think of your profile as your first impression. Try setting a scene instead of listing all of your interests. Your profile doesn’t have to necessarily stick to a theme, but instead of feeling like you have to encompass the broadest range possible, view too many extras as muddying the waters. Think about what you’d like someone to know about you first and foremost, and concentrate on that.

As dating is a very unique and personal experience, it’s possible you’ll want to switch up your profile later. But why not try an approach that’s a little out of the norm? By trying to prove you’re unique with many facets, you might just be sounding like everyone else.