Communication

Friending someone on Facebook before your first date might be more acceptable than you think, according to a recent survey by Mashable.com.

One out of four people send a friend request before the first date, according to the responses of 3,000 participants who were asked what they found acceptable in regard to dating in the digital age. Roughly 39% of college-aged participants friend request before the first date, but then the number drops to 26.2% for 20-somethings and 16.4% for those in their thirties. For all ages, only 12.5% prefer to wait until you mutually decide on relationship exclusivity.

So what does this mean for your Facebook profile? Since friending early on in the dating trajectory seems to be the trend, it's important to know what you post on your page and make sure to adjust your privacy settings. If you've been ranting about your awful ex boyfriend or posting drunk photos with your friends, you might be putting off potential dates. Most of us don't take the time to filter each post, but if you're choosing to friend virtual strangers before you've even started to date, you might want to consider the importance of your digital first impression.

And what about announcing your relationship status on Facebook? As it turns out, women are slightly more reluctant than men to do so. Almost 79% of women say they must be mutually exclusive in a relationship before posting, whereas only 63.5% of men agree. Over 19% of men say that they would become Facebook official after multiple dates compared with only 10% of women.

Do you check your phone on a date? Has it become a more acceptable practice? Not really, according to respondents. Over 50% say that you should never check your phone on a first date, or only if it's an emergency. However, 37% are willing to check their phones if a date has left the room. No age group was okay with checking your phone whenever you wanted while on a date.

Another statistic that was intriguing: despite our culture's increasing preference for texting vs. calling someone, more people in their twenties, thirties and forties prefer a call over a text from someone they just met and who might be interested in dating. There was a bit of a gap among the age groups however. Twenty-three percent of women in their twenties preferred a phone call compared to 15% who thought a text message was acceptable. But for women in their forties, 47% felt that a phone call was an acceptable way to follow up with someone compared to only 7.7% who felt that texting was okay.

We’ve all seen it in movies: the couple that starts out as fiery opposites. They trade insults along with witty banter. The attraction builds, along with the tension, until it just can’t be denied; a passionate argument turns into something quite different.

Though it’s a common tale on TV and in novels, it’s not something that you encounter quite as much in real life. And of all the romance-novel scenarios, it’s one that would be exceedingly difficult to recreate utilizing an online dating site. But that doesn’t stop some from trying.

Usually an inflammatory or abusive first-contact email is easy to spot, but what about the ones with backhanded compliments or downright insults? Though it may seem unlikely, they are known to surface. “Sarah” tells me: “I’ve gotten emails that insult my favorite movie, my favorite books, even the choice of clothes I wear in my pictures. Oh, and there was the one guy who told me that since I have one cat at my age, I’m already headed down the slippery slope to becoming a crazy cat lady.”

It’s unclear why someone would go through the trouble of sending a semi-legitimate email, only to criticize or ridicule. In fact, the reasons are probably as varied as the emails themselves. There are a few possibilities, though:

One is the concept of “negging” - insulting an attractive person to “take them down a few notches” and therefore make them more vulnerable. It began as a technique used by self-proclaimed “pick-up artists,” but over the years it’s become increasingly mainstream (and it can come from either gender, too).

Another is the “opposites attract” theory - not that someone is literally trying to recreate a scene from a movie, but perhaps that’s the only way they know how to communicate with someone they’re attracted to. Picture children who tease, shove or pull the hair of the little boy or girl they like, and add thirty-plus years to the picture. Also in the “stunted” category, there’s the possibility that the emailer doesn’t even realize they’re being overly critical or cruel - they might think they’re starting up a healthy debate or trying to be funny.

Then, of course, there’s the possibility that someone’s simply being mean for the sake of being mean. They may be few and far between, but they do exist.

Whether or not the writer of such emails realizes they’re out of line, chances are the root cause is more than you ought to have to deal with. The easiest, and cleanest, option is to ignore the email - engaging them might cause more trouble, especially if they’re being purposely inflammatory. If you absolutely feel you must respond, a stiff letter in which you state you’re not interested in games or defending yourself might do the trick - but write at your own peril.

Remember, everyone gets such emails from time to time, but that doesn’t mean you need to fall into the trap of being upset by them. Fiery beginnings may work in the movies, but in person they just add stress and sap energy. Send genuine, honest first-contact emails, and only respond to those who do the same, and you’ll maximize your chances of finding someone truly compatible.

Even though we join online dating sites to meet other people, a lot of the ‘prep work’ involved has to do with self-reflection. You have to figure out who you are in order to write about yourself well. You have to figure out what you really want in order to maximize the efficacy of your searches. And if something isn’t working for you, you can often help yourself by asking yourself tough questions.

However, such introspection can become problematic when actual outside people enter the picture, such as on the first date. Chances are, you’re still worried about yourself: the impression you’re making, how much to talk about your past, whether you have anything interesting to talk about if there’s a lull in the conversation. Plus, there are the additional nerves associated with any first date. So guess what’s probably not at the forefront of your mind?

Your date. Or more specifically, what your date is saying.

It can be easy to forget to switch the focus from ourselves to our potential match, but it’s vital to the health and potential success of the date itself. Consider: if you’re focused on your match, you’re probably less nervous, because you’re paying attention to what they have to say instead of whatever you’re obsessing about. As you relax, you’re probably more natural and attractive.

When you’re actually paying attention to the conversation, it’s much easier to have a back-and-forth. You aren’t casting about in your mind for conversation topics as much, because you’re simply following the natural flow of the conversation. There are fewer awkward silences. And since you’re focused on your date, it’s much easier to get a sense of whether you’re actually compatible. When you’re wrapped up in your head, your judgment is much more suspect.

Finally, there’s the most basic of reasons to focus on your date: it’s polite and respectful. Your date is probably just as nervous as you are; they’ve probably gone over conversation topics in their own head too. Giving each other the respect you both deserve is the perfect way to get a relationship going on the right foot.

So next time you go on a first date, don’t fret too much about your hair or the million tiny what-ifs that could go wrong. Instead, focus on listening and responding to your date - it’s the simplest, and best, way to get the ball rolling.

Research published earlier this year in Communication Quarterly has identified five flirting personalities, reports USA Today.

More than 5,020 heterosexual adults participated in the study, by filling out questionnaires about their flirting technique and their romantic partners. "The flirting styles inventory is for the very first stage of romantic development," explains Jeffrey Hall, co-author and assistant professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas in Lawrence. He also notes that, in most cases, an individual uses a combination of the 5 flirting styles, though one type is typically dominant.

The flirting styles identified are: physical, traditional, polite, sincere, and playful.

1. Physical: People with a physical flirting style have a tendency to develop relationships quickly. Both sexual chemistry and emotional connection is strong with their partners, though sexual interest may be the greater focus in the relationship.
2. Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to conventional ideas of dating and relationships. Men and women who favor this style believe that men should pursue women, and women should not pursue men. They often tend to be introverted.
3. Polite: Daters who fall into these categories place emphasis on proper etiquette and nonsexual communication. They are less likely than daters with other styles to approach someone they're interested in, and they are often not flattered by flirting, but their relationships are meaningful.
4. Sincere: Deep relationships are the name of the game for sincere flirts. Their relationships feature both strong emotional connections and sexual chemistry, but are based primarily on the emotional bond. This is the flirting style that was cited most in the study.
5. Playful: Flirting is all about fun and building self-esteem for playful daters. They tend to be interested in flirting as a recreational activity, rather than as a tool to find a long-term relationship. This is the most uncommon flirting style.

The researchers make it clear that one style is not objectively better than the others in all situations, though one can be more effective than another, depending on the outcome you want to achieve. "For example," Hall says, "a playful flirt is more likely to have short-term relationships. People with a playful style of flirting are effective in having that type of relationship but may find it difficult to let people they're interested in know they want something more."

Daters who leaned towards the physical, sincere, and playful styles were likely to experience the most success for dating and long-term relationships. Individuals with a combination of the physical and sincere styles showed "rapid relational escalation of important relationships with more emotional connection and greater physical chemistry."

Take the flirting styles survey at http://connect.ku.edu/tests/flirt/

Many of you attended a party or two during Halloween weekend. If you met someone you found interesting and would like to see him again, how do you follow up? Do you Facebook friend him, call him, or wait until he makes contact?

There are many “rules” for dating protocol here, created mostly for the sake of keeping a guy interested. I’m not a big fan of rules. I prefer taking chances. After all, risk can equal reward, right? Here are a few things to bear in mind when deciding whether to make the next move.

First, consider how you left things with your love interest. Did he say he would call you, or did you agree to more firm plans? If you parted ways by leaving him your phone number, it’s up to him to call. But don’t sit around and wait for it---keep attending networking mixers and online dating. Keeping yourself busy helps you keep your perspective. Remember, even if you liked him, there are plenty of other guys out there if he isn't for you.

For many of us, even the thought of starting a conversation with a total stranger you've just met can be pretty intimidating. Learning to overcome this fear allows you to become the master of your own destiny and succeed as a single person.

The following tips on how to best tackle this tricky topic will at first appear like a self-evident plan of attack, however it's about gaining a sense as to how your advances towards other singles will be accepted and deciding as to whether the best option is to proceed or back off.

A potential romantic partner you've never spoken to before will almost always respond in a positive manner with a simple "Hi there" and a friendly smile. Smooth pick up lines and cheesy openers are over rated. Your gut feeling is your best gauge, so back yourself if your instinct is sending out optimistic signals.

Next step is to simply introduce yourself - straight forward so far, right? Prior to breaking the ice with a pleasant introduction, make sure you have a little conversation rehearsed so you can take control of the situation if your initial advances are well received.

Talk about the environment and surroundings or make a comment regarding how nice they look, choose something they are emotionally attached to - everyone loves flattery. Accessories such as a necklace, a tattoo, earrings or clothing are an easy way to engage someone in conversation. Nobody is going to ask you to go away for complimenting them if it's done in a tasteful way.

We are surely not telling you any innovative news or ground breaking dating tips, however humans react positively when somebody lights up our day, so it is usually the basic remarks or gestures that will more often than not start up a conversation. Knowing how to determine someone's single status will see your successes far outweigh your failures. Recognizing how to read a persons body language is an important part of success in the social scene.

By making your approach in a non sinister fashion, you are playing into the hands of the very essence of human nature. The time and place to start a conversation is also an important element when it comes to conversation tips. For example, don't approach an attractive woman in a deserted car park. Make your approach in a safe and public environment.

If you can master and improve your conversation strategy, life as you currently know it will be a thing of the past. You will become a pro on how to win friends and influence people.