Advice

In online dating, the profile is essentially the “first impression,” but what’s the point if no one sees it? Hence, the invention of the first-contact email. It serves as a pre-first impression; think of it as seeing someone from across a crowded room. Do you want to see a little eye contact and a smile that invites more, or some frantic waving that results in a fall off a bar stool? These are the images to keep in mind as you settle down to write a first-contact email.

In truth, writing such an email is much easier than most people think. It ought to be short - from around three sentences to a paragraph, say - and it shouldn’t be a generic copy and paste job. Since it’s so short, that doesn’t require much work; just a basic sentence or two that demonstrates you’ve actually read the profile (Like, “I see you like science fiction; what do you think of that remake that’s coming out?”) will already put you a cut above the rest.

Yet, many people lose their way when it comes to the first-contact email. Most commonly, they become self-centered when it comes time to write. Well, maybe that’s not surprising; the profile is mostly all about you, after all. But no one wants to open up an email with your life story; it’s like watching a TV show that’s all prologue and never actually advances the plot. An email is the beginning of a conversation, not a job application.

Plus, you might have already said all you need to in your profile. When you stray outside of that one-paragraph zone, chances are you’re going to start repeating information from your profile; once your potential match clicks over to actually read your profile, it’s going to sound redundant. Then you run the risk of appearing either self-absorbed or perhaps even dishonest (as in, you have your script and you’re sticking to it).

Thus, avoid all the hassle and potential miscommunication, and make it easy on yourself: stick to a short and sweet first-contact email. You might feel it’s formulaic - after all, it’s hard to reinvent the paragraph - but as long as you’re actually reading their profiles and asking a relevant question, you’re coming across as classic, not cliched. A non-offensive fist-contact email means they’ll check out your profile, and now the real conversation can begin. Why get in your own way?

You could be the best-looking person on this planet, but I guarantee even you have had this problem at least once: you didn't hear back from someone you were interested in.

It blows, right? You spot the perfect online dating profile, and you think "YES! I barely know anything about this person, but it's obvious we're going to fall in love and get married and be together forever!" [Note: Do not actually have this reaction to people you have never met. It's creepy.]

Then you send a message to them and wait for their gushing response about how great it is that you've finally found each other. But it never comes. And you're left wondering why someone you thought was so perfect doesn't think you're perfect, too.

Buck up. Grab some Ben & Jerry's. And let's settle in for a little life lesson. Here's why they didn't get back to you:

1. They can't. Many dating sites allow both paid and free members to join, but only allow paying members to view and/or send mail. Don't take it personally if your love interest simply couldn't see or respond to your message.
2. They're drowning in a sea of messages. If you think a person is awesome, there's a good chance other people also think they're awesome. The cream of the online dating crop is inundated with emails - maybe even triple digits per day - which makes it pretty much impossible to respond to everything. Your message may just have slipped through the cracks.
3. Your message wasn't up to snuff. Did you include an attention-grabbing subject line? Did you send an obvious cut-and-paste message? Did you ask an interesting question, include a witty joke, make a thoughtful reference to their profile, or otherwise do something that encourages interaction? Take some time to learn what kind of emails get opened and responded to.
4. Your photos aren't working for you. First of all: do you even have a photo? If you don't, that's the first thing to fix. If you do, do you have more than one? You should. And if you have that under control, evaluate your photo album with a critical eye. Do they actually show you at your best? Do they represent you well? Do they paint you in an interesting light? What stories do they tell?
5. Your profile is harder to get through than War and Peace. Maybe you have a snooze-fest of a personal essay. There's no excuse for a poorly written profile. And there's plenty of advice to be found online that will help you create something unique and enticing.

Dating under any circumstances can be an exhausting proposition, but when you throw an online dating service into the mix it can be totally draining. Fine-tuning your profile, keeping your photos updated, sending and responding to messages, weeding out potential dates from potential axe murderers, awkward first time face-to-face meetups...sure, it's fun, but it also takes a lot out of you.

Dating fatigue is a reality for any dater, but it's especially common for active online daters. Don't let it get you down. To keep online dating feeling fresh, even when it's starting to feel more like a chore than a choice, remember these 5 truths:

1. You are not alone. Whatever you're going through, I guarantee that plenty of others are going through it too. Everyone, male or female, has had online dating moments that get them down. You are neither the first nor the last to not hear back from someone you were interested in, or to feel like you're only getting messages from people you would never want to date.
2. Rejection isn't such a bad thing. The more it happens, the more comfortable it becomes. Maybe it will make you realize that great people have been hiding in plain sight. Or maybe it'll teach you a better way to approach dating. Or maybe you'll learn something new about what you actually want and need in a partner. And at worst, you can think of these cheesy words of wisdom: every rejection puts you one step closer to the person you're actually meant to be with.
3. It's rarely personal. Yes, maybe you sent someone a message and they thought "Ew, I would never date that person!" but it's way more likely that their lack of response had nothing to do with you. They could be sick, traveling, in the middle of a personal crisis, crushing on someone else, recovering from a breakup...the possibilities are endless, and none of them are personal.
4. You should be honest, but you shouldn't be a jerk about it. I'm always a strong advocate of being honest, but it doesn't have to be the kind of honesty that is prefaced with "brutal." Be diplomatic about it. You can be up-front about not being into someone, but you don't have explain in gory detail why you're not interested. Play nice.
5. You have nothing to lose. Someone awesome viewed your profile, but didn't contact you. Should you just write them off as uninterested? They might be, but why not send them a message and find out for sure? Maybe they're just shy, or intimidated by your profile, or were too busy at the time to send an email. If you think they're worth knowing, it's definitely worth it to reach out.

Related article: 4 More Truths About Online Dating

Many of us resist the idea of a blind date. First, there’s the fact that often you’re “fixed up” with someone solely because you’re the only single person in the right age bracket that the “fixer-upper” knows, so you’re essentially two random people thrown together. But even assuming that’s not the case - that a mutual friend really does believe the two of you would be great together - there’s always a heavy dose of skepticism. Why should someone else know me better than I know myself?

Thus, it probably shouldn’t be a surprise that such skepticism also rears its head when it comes to online dating sites. On some level, you’re assuming that a computer thinks it knows best. You look at potential matches with a cynical eye: “Ugh, how could this site think I’d be great with this person? They’re not my type at all! This person was in a seminar with me four years ago and we loathed each other! If this is the best they can come up with I don’t know if I should continue at all.”

But the truth is, these are only excuses we tell ourselves. No matchmaker is forcing us to go on a blind date; no family member is slapping us with a heavy-handed guilt trip. We can contact and respond to whom we please. If we don’t like our pre-packaged “potential matches” and think we can do better, we can always try a few custom searches of our own.

Additionally, dramatically incompatible results might point to the fact that at some point down the line, wires are getting crossed. Maybe we’ve listed something in our profile that is sending an unintended message - not only to an algorithm, but to other potential matches as well. If you don’t understand why you keep getting matched up with jocks, maybe you shouldn’t list a baseball game as a first date option if you’re actually ambivalent about it.

Or maybe, just maybe, those matchmakers and computers might actually see something we don’t. There’s no harm in messaging a few “pre-made matches” in addition to those we’ve found ourselves; maybe we’ll learn something new. Maybe the match wouldn’t be that random after all. A first-contact email isn’t even as binding as a casual coffee meet-up; what do we have to lose?

They say it’s a small world, and getting smaller. That may not seem the case when you first sign up for an online dating site; in fact, it’s easy to be overwhelmed by the sheer number of eligible strangers. However, that doesn’t mean that you’re never going to spot someone you know - so it’s best you’re prepared for the possibility.

The most obvious possibility is that you might run into the profile of an ex, whether recent or an older flame. After all, you thought you were compatible once; it’s entirely possible that an algorithm might feel the same way and recommend your old match as a potential new one. The best course of action? Just chalk it up as a funny story to tell later and move on. Don’t scour your ex’s profile, looking for coded hints about you or your old relationship; don’t message the ex and make everything even more awkward. And don’t take it personally! The dating site doesn’t actually hate you.

If you don’t run into your ex, there’s always a chance you could run into a friend, a co-worker, or someone else you know casually. Unless you’re actually interested in possibly dating them, it’s probably a good idea to avoid their profiles as well. Just think: they might be exposing a side of themselves that they don’t ordinarily show, and maybe they’d be uncomfortable if an acquaintance spotted them. Most profiles are pretty light and fluffy, but spotting one with a personal anecdote or a suggestive comment is not unheard of.

Finally, there’s the possibility you might spot someone you wish you hadn’t - like, say, your married next-door neighbor. This is definitely a situation best dealt with on a case-by-case basis, but a general rule of thumb is that you can never really know what goes on behind closed doors. Thus, when in doubt, mind your own business, unless you really want to find out more than you wanted to know.

Bearing in mind the myriad of people you might encounter on an online dating site, it might be best to consider your own profile. Sure, it might have everything you want a potential love interest to know, but does it have anything you don’t want anyone else to know? Remember, intimate details can always be shared later! In the meantime, enjoy your search among hundreds of possibilities - but don’t be blindsided if you ever see a familiar face.

Chances are, you’ve heard that when it comes to an online dating profile, short and sweet is better than well-meaning but long-winded. First-contact emails are much the same; they shouldn’t be generic, but there’s no reason you can’t say what you need to in a paragraph or so. However, many people simply consider this a rule that must be followed. If we actually think about the reasoning behind this “rule,” it won’t only ensure that we won’t forget it; it might enhance our profile overall.

First, think about the experience of the reader, sitting behind their screen, somewhere across town. They’ve already looked at fifteen profiles, and here comes one that looks like one giant block of text. They scroll down... and down... and down. Who has time for that? It might be incredibly interesting, but they’ve already clicked away - they can view three profiles in the time it’ll take to read this novel.

“Well, I’ll only attract those who like to read, then,” you might be thinking. Perhaps - but in actuality those who are well-read have probably come to the conclusion that most random people on the internet aren’t the best writers. Again, you might be the exception, but you’re going against years of experience that’s taught them otherwise.

Next, consider that a profile that is exceptionally long is probably not a page-turner. So what’s creating that length? Chances are, a lot of filler. Also potentially some tangents. Unlike a conversation, in which you have immediate feedback and which naturally has twists and turns, when you’re writing a profile you only have your own stream of consciousness. Not exactly something you connect over.

Finally, imagine that your potential match is not across town behind their own screen; instead, they’re in person, standing next to you at a bar or a movie queue or some other place you’d naturally strike up a conversation. They approach you. What would you rather hear: a confident hello and a witty remark, or a five-minute summary of their life story?

Keeping a profile short and sweet isn’t about arbitrary word limits; it’s about creating an impact and avoiding unhelpful filler. When you next sit down to edit your profile, remember: you’re not submitting an entry to a literary magazine, you’re striking up a conversation. Does your profile reflect your purpose?