Advice

A few months ago, Brandon, a newly single friend, came to my city to visit me. What made the largest impression on him wasn’t the architecture or the attractions the city had to offer; it was the women. “Whoa, maybe I should move here,” he said, eyeing a group who were walking past us. “The women seem much more beautiful here.”

In reality, the women here are likely not any more attractive than in Brandon’s city; he was simply seeing them from a different perspective. We were at a park, in the midst of a hot summer, surrounded by beachwear; not at Brandon’s local grocery store. It’s also worth mentioning that Brandon was just out of a long-term relationship; he was probably actively looking at women much more than he had in years. And there’s one element that can’t be underestimated; the women, the faces, were simply different from the ones he normally encounters.

For many, the grass is very often greener on the other side of the fence. Even if you’re surrounded by attractive people, they soon become familiar. And if you associate negative connotations with them, that familiarity can breed contempt.

For example: let’s say you belong to an online dating site, and have for some time. It started out well, but lately you’ve been in a dating desert: no one seems to reply to your first-contact emails, and no new faces seem to be signing up. The same old profiles seem to mock you.

Instead of toughing it out, pinning way too many hopes and expectations on any new profile you see, why not take a break and enjoy different scenery? It could mean trying a different site, or even doing something different in your everyday routine - going to that park instead of looking for love at the grocery store, for instance.

Sometimes the only thing that will get you out of a rut is time, but that doesn’t mean you have to sit there, watching the clock. Why not try something outside your personal box? The grass just might be greener on the other side of that fence.

Some of us are busy decking the halls with boughs of holly. Some of us are lighting the menorah. Some are getting trampled by sale-obsessed shoppers at Walmart and Best Buy. Some are still trying to recover from their Thanksgiving food comas. And many of us are wondering whether we'll have a midnight kiss on New Year's Eve.

Singles are always curious about whether there is an ideal time to try online dating. The best answer is "No, the perfect time for online dating is whenever you're ready for it." Online dating requires a significant investment of time, attention, and emotions, so don't dive into it before you're prepared. But if you are ready, why waste time looking for the "right" moment? The right moment is right now.

That being said, there is one time of year it might be just a little bit more right than any other: the week between Christmas and New Year's, all the way through to Valentine's Day.

In December 2011, Match.com's relationship expert Whitney Casey said that "From December 26 to February 14 is our busiest season. New Year's Eve is such a big deal because it's a new beginning." Match is far from the only site to notice a jump in usage during that time. PlentyOfFish also reported a 15% spike in sign-ups, as well as a 20% boost in activity from current users during the same period.

Rachel Seliger, Community Manager for JDate.com, attributes the holiday spike to a renewed excitement about meeting new people. "This is definitely one of our busiest times of the year," she says, "and that's simply because the festive fun of the holiday season often reminds singles there is nothing better than being around those we love - that romantic relationships! Plus, we often see a big bump in membership numbers with so many people adding 'find love' to their New Year's resolutions!"

This year, along with working out, reading more, volunteering, getting organized, and spending more time with friends and family, put 'Try online dating' on your New Year's resolutions list. Like any resolution, staying on track won't always be easy, but setting the goal is the first step. Take advantage of the improved odds and maybe that midnight kiss will turn from far-off fantasy into reality.

Just please don't put up a profile picture taken in that hideous holiday sweater knitted by your grandmother. There's not enough eggnog in the world to make that pic a good choice.

The holidays are upon us. It can be a stressful time, but with it comes a fair bit of revelry - holiday parties, New Year’s celebrations, vacation time. For many, it represents an end to a stressful season and a time to blow off steam.

It’s also a time of year in which many turn to online dating with renewed vigor. We’ve already discussed that one should carefully weigh whether the holidays are personally the right time to start dating; let’s assume that the holidays are not extra stressful and that one simply wants to take a bit of their extra free time to write a great profile and start lining up dates. However, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t still aspects of holiday dating to watch out for.

First and foremost, there’s alcohol. Alcohol exists year-round, but holiday celebrations are particularly cheer-heavy, from spiked punch and eggnog to champagne. Add in the holiday revelry and you have a recipe for rash decisions. Many might focus on the “upsides” - lessened inhibitions leading to more immediate “connections” - but they don’t always think of the possible downsides, like embarrassing speeches you don’t intend to make or a miscalculation leading to a vomit-filled evening. For some adults, the holidays are their equivalent of a college Spring Break. Try not to make the same mistakes the kids do.

It’s also important to weigh your motivation for online dating. Are you actually looking for the potential of a long-term relationship, or are you looking for someone to be with on New Year’s Eve? If it’s the former, the holidays might make it harder to sort through the party noise and find someone who wants the same. Similarly, a date at a holiday party might not be the way to really get to know someone and determine whether you’re compatible. If you’re just looking for someone to party with, that’s fine too - just make sure your motivations are clear, so no feelings are hurt.

The holidays can be a time to unwind from the stress of the year, and maybe even reevaluate priorities and create new beginnings. While signing up for an online dating site can certainly be such a new beginning, there’s no rush or rule that says you have to find love immediately. While holiday fun can be a blast, just make sure you’re signing up for the type of fun you want - all the better to start the new year off on the right foot.

We’re in the swing of the holiday season, and that’s a time when many consider signing up to online dating websites for the first time. Maybe it’s the nostalgia, the emphasis on family, the holiday parties, or the increase in TV movies; regardless, many do consider being more proactive in their search for love around this time.

The problem is that the end of the year is not just a time for holidays. For a good portion of the globe, it’s also cold and flu season. Depending on your job, it might be the busiest, most stressful time of year. It can be a time in which familial obligations are increased - and for many, this also equals added stress. Maybe this is the time of year to squeeze in traveling and vacation.

Thus, it’s not unheard of to sign up to an online dating site, create a profile, start chatting with someone - and promptly get pneumonia, or have to leave for the next two weeks, or be swamped with work and plans with family members.

Granted, this sort of bad timing could happen at any point in the year - people get sick, have jobs that get busy at varying times, and so on. But the somewhat universal experience of holiday nostalgia, paired with the somewhat universal experience of holiday stress, seems to be a recipe for increased, widespread dating frustration.

Does this mean you should avoid online dating during the holidays? Not necessarily. After all, new people are signing up, so it’s a good opportunity to check out fresh faces and send some first-contact emails. But let’s say you know you get run-down every year at this time, or swamped. Instead of plunging into online dating headfirst for the first time, perhaps you could hold off for just a few more weeks; you might feel like time’s a-wasting, but perhaps you’re just giving your prospective matches time to recover from their own illnesses and obligations.

The same logic applies at any point in the year; if you know life is hectic, stressful and you’re physically worn out, now might not be the best time to attempt to meet new people. Instead, work on beefing up your immune system and your profile. Once you make that decision to sign up, it’s tempting to do so at that very moment, but consider: if you’re going to meet a potential match, won’t you want to be clearheaded enough to decide if you’re actually compatible?

They say variety is the spice of life, but perhaps the truth is even more extreme; it can be a sign of life. As human beings, we’re constantly changing; we do different things with our hair, we age, our face is constantly in motion with a range of expressions to match our varied emotions.

Now consider the type of photos that many of us choose for our online dating profiles. When you’ve experimented with “selfies” long enough, you start to notice that there are certain faces that you personally think makes you look more attractive. There might be certain angles that are more flattering, and proper lighting can make all the difference. Maybe you’ve discovered that some hairstyles work better on camera than others.

On the one hand, all this experimentation is good; if you learn what works for you, you’ll probably have more photos you’re happy with. On the other hand, take a look at the photos you opt to show others; you might find the variety is dwindling.

Do you see the same face, at the same angle, with the same slight smile in all your photos? Might want to rethink that. It’s not just that it’s sort of creepy seeing the same “face” over and over again; it’s that it’s probably not that representative of what you actually look like in person.

Consider how different a face looks when it’s serious and when it’s in a broad smile. Even a fake, “pretty” smile and a genuine, laughing-with-squinted-eyes can be vastly different. Would someone recognize you walking through the door if all they’d seen is one frozen expression?

When choosing the photos you’ll be using on your online dating profiles, consider that variety lends a more genuine, honest touch. Not every picture might showcase what you consider to be your best side; on the other hand, not every restaurant’s lighting is the most flattering, either. By including photos with a little variety, you’re demonstrating that you’re not afraid to be yourself, even when you’re not airbrushed to perfection. The reader will feel more of a connection to you; even better, your date won’t be shocked the first time you crack a different expression.

Statistically, there are those who find love on the very first date they set up via an online dating site. Yep, they wrote their profile, messaged (or were messaged by) someone, met in person, and sparks flew. They might be rare, but they do exist.

However, they’re outliers. For the rest of us, a little time, patience, and yes, unsuccessful dates are likely to be found along the way. And that’s not even a bad thing.

Many people sign up for online dating sites when they’re reeling from some sort of upheaval. Maybe it’s a relationship that’s suddenly come to an end. Maybe it’s a startling revelation about being pro-active in romance. Maybe it’s a giddy moment with friends. Rarely is it a cool, calculated move at the end of a long, boring afternoon.

As such, not all people know exactly what they’re looking for. They don’t always know what truly makes someone else compatible. They might not have separated fantasy (“I want to date a supermodel!”) from confidence (“I deserve someone who respects me as much as I’d respect them.”). They’re dealing in abstract concepts, instead of real people.

That’s where the dating comes in. Every date shapes you as well as your potential match. Your expectations and desires are refined; you’re able to better define what’s really important to you, or even learn something about the sort of person you’re drawn to. Even if you aren’t ultimately compatible, you might learn why. And if you’re going on “bad” dates over and over again, you can examine whether the problem lies in your search process.

Over time, your dating might feel less like spinning a wheel and more like you’re getting closer to hitting the bullseye. Now, when someone with whom you truly share a spark comes along, it feels all the more obvious and dramatic. And you’re confident that you’re not missing out on something better.

You might not have entered the world of online dating fully prepared and ready to find romance, but there’s something to be learned from every date. Are you approaching your “unsuccessful” dates from an educational perspective?