Tips

Our dating lives are primarily driven by chemistry. We search for that elusive instant spark, and if we're not feeling it within the first few minutes of the date, many times we check out mentally and emotionally. We dismiss a date without even trying to get to know him.

There's a big difference between a good date and a good relationship. While a man might appear funny, charming, and sexy at the beginning, later on you might find him to be non-committal, a player, or otherwise not relationship material. The only way you can find out if someone is good relationship material is through actually getting to know him.

Most people are awkward and a little unsure on the first date. And if they get the vibe that you're not into them, then the awkwardness intensifies. He will either try to oversell himself to compensate for your lack of interest, or he'll withdraw. Neither of these scenarios means that you will be more attracted to him. But have you given him a real chance? Probably not.

Instead of writing him off, take a step back. The majority of women say that they married a man who they weren't at first attracted to - which means that they gave someone a chance even if he didn't blow them away from the start. And then they found lasting love.

Following are five reasons to say yes to a second date:

He's not your type - and that might be a good thing. If you tend to be attracted to the same type of man but it hasn't yet worked out for you, isn't it worth it to date someone totally different? You might find that the men you are typically attracted to are great daters, but lousy partners. You can't know whether someone will love and respect you until you have dated and gotten to know each other. Real, lasting relationships take time to build. And when you're with the right person, it doesn't fizzle out. It only gets stronger.

The first date was fine, but not exciting. If you found a first date to be just okay, that he was "nice enough," then consider giving him a fair shot and agreeing to a second date. Remember: you aren't dating him exclusively - you are still meeting men. But giving each of your dates a fair shot means that it's important to take your time and see how things unfold between you. Finding love requires patience as well as perseverance.

It can't hurt. This goes without saying. What's the harm in agreeing to a second date? Maybe it will go nowhere, but maybe he will surprise you.

Chemistry doesn't mean long-term potential. I know people will disagree on this, but there is too much weight placed on instant attraction. What matters more is someone's honesty, respect for you, and kindness - none of which can really be assessed on the first or even the second date. It takes time. Isn't it worth it to get to know someone who possesses these qualities?

Are you addicted to social media? Are you compelled to check your Facebook account when you first get up in the morning? If your digital life is important to you, it might be hurting your ability to move on after a break-up.

Facebook keeps us connected to all the people we don't see on a regular basis, and keeps our pasts ever-present. While it's great to see what's going on with your old high school pal, it's another thing to see your ex posting pictures of his new girlfriend, or changing his status to "in a relationship" before you can even say "broken up."

While I wish we all had the courage to de-friend people who we're no longer involved with, it is a hard thing to do immediately. Maybe we can block a phone number or avoid places where you both used to go together, but tearing yourself away digitally is another challenge.

Following are some tips to help you break-up digitally:

Give yourself a digital break. There's nothing wrong with taking a brief time-out from Facebook, Twitter, etc. If it's hurting you to see his posts every time you login, then you'll be doing yourself a favor. Just take a breather - your friends will be there when you return.

Avoid posting about the relationship on your wall. While you might want the opinion of all your Facebook friends about whether or not your ex is a jerk, please don't post missives on your wall and then wait for people to comment. If you have to share your hurt and frustration with someone, then share in person. There's no need to make it a public forum. It's better if you don't know what his friends think of you, too - likely they will come to his defense. On Facebook.

Delete your relationship status. There's no need to let everyone know you're single, or "it's complicated," or anything else that might cause digital conversation. Just leave it blank for now. If anyone questions you, don't feel pressured to answer.

De-friend if you can. If your ex is always on Facebook, posting about his life, the people in it, or his musings, then you're causing yourself more emotional pain when you keep him as a friend. Even if you both decided in real life to stay friends, everybody needs time to heal when a relationship ends. This means taking a true break. De-friend him so you don't have to get his posts. You can always revisit your friendship status later, when both of you have moved on.

Hosting speed dating events taught me many things. Most importantly, it taught me that men were brave - they put their fears and insecurities aside to show up and give themselves a chance to find love.

Unfortunately, many of the men I met were also misguided. They were so wrapped up in giving off a good impression and "winning" over the single women at each event that they failed to really pay attention to each individual. Instead, they were reciting a list of accomplishments or talking about their careers. The more I observed, the more I wanted to intervene. Women's eyes would glaze over. They would look at their watches, at the bar, anywhere else. They weren't interested at all.

Sure, maybe these women weren't attracted to some of these men at the speed dating events. But more importantly, the men weren't really paying attention. They didn't know when a woman lost interest.

If you meet a woman you find attractive and wonder if she's attracted to you too, the following tips can help you decide:

She returns your calls and texts. This might seem obvious, but it's not. We often make excuses as to why people aren't keeping in touch. But really, if she's interested she will reach out, even if it's a quick minute to check in and say hello.

She doesn't make excuses, she makes time. Have you ever tried to date a woman who kept canceling or rescheduling plans, because she got too busy with work, friends, or family obligations? Stop asking her out. If she isn't making time to see you, she isn't all that interested.

She doesn't pull away. I'm not recommending any man be sexually aggressive or assertive here. But touch is a good indicator of mutual attraction. If you touch her arm lightly or grab her hand and she doesn't pull away, or she grabs your hand, then you know she's interested.

She leans forward and makes eye contact. Many women speak volumes with body language. If she has her arms folded across her chest or sits back in her chair, she is disengaging from you. However, if she leans forward in her chair, makes a lot of eye contact, and really listens and responds to what you're saying, then she's interested.

She flirts. This might sound simple, too, but there's a difference between polite laughter and conversation and flirtatious banter. It's important to know the difference. Many women are non-confrontational, and they will be polite and cheerful until the end of a date, even if they don't see you as a good match. Please don't mistake kindness for interest. If a woman is really into you, she will flirt, engage, and ask what you're up to on the weekend, and make a point of wanting to see you again. So flirt in return if the feeling is mutual!

Trying to understand the opposite sex when it comes to dating can be frustrating. I don't know how many times I analyzed how someone else felt about me or what they wanted. (A good time? A relationship? A friends with benefits situation?) For example, if a man went out of his way to come see a band with me, or if he was flirting with me all night, telling me how wonderful I was, I thought...he must like me as much as I like him. But then why wasn't he calling me?

I assumed I knew how these men felt based on a few really awesome dates we'd had - I was certain if we connected so much when we were physically around each other, he must be thinking about me when I wasn't there, too.

Was I wrong.

Men are pretty predictable when they are falling for a woman. He might be attracted to you, but that doesn't mean he wants to move forward into relationship territory. It's important to pick up on a few basic cues to see if the feeling is mutual:

He calls you consistently. Wondering why he's suddenly MIA after being all hot and heavy with you on your last date? I've been there - we think of all kinds of excuses as to why he doesn't call. Maybe he's too busy with work or maybe he's just not "a phone person." But we're not doing ourselves any favors by excusing him. The point is, if he really wants to call you, even if he's in a hospital somewhere, he will call.

He's not mysterious. While Hollywood movies like to tell us differently, men who are interested in a long term relationship don't disappear or keep part of their lives hidden. There's nothing sexy about someone who hides. A man who's interested will want you to know where he is. He wants to introduce you to friends and family. He makes plans with you. If he's not being straightforward about how he spends his time, likely you're not the only one in the picture.

He's not consumed by career ambitions. It took me a long time to figure this one out, because I assumed most of the men I dated put their careers first, relationships second. I was used to being called inconsistently or infrequently, chalking it up to "when the timing is right, he'll come around." But this isn't true. No matter where he is in his career, if you're right for each other, he will make time for your relationship.

His eyes are on you. Ever been on a date with a man you're crazy about, and he seems really distracted? If a man is really interested, he makes sure to pay attention to you. He doesn't get distracted by who else is there, including other women.

Last month we're celebrating fathers everywhere (in honor of Father's Day), so I'd like to give some kudos to all the single dads out there who are looking for love. There are more of you than ever joining online dating sites and putting yourselves out there because you want a new relationship. (And by the way ladies, single dads make great partners.)

But some of you might need some reassurance. If you aren't dating because you think women don't want to date a man with "baggage," it's simply not true.

Sure, there are some women who won't go on a date with a man who has kids. They aren't for you. But there are also women (with or without children themselves) who are open and interested in finding the right man, regardless of his situation. I know, because I was a single woman who married a man with children.

While single Dads do come attached already (to their kids), there are some big pluses that they have over bachelors any day:

He's emotionally mature. Have you been on a lot of dates with men who play games or drop out of the picture before things get too serious? Single dads are different. They aren't into playing games, because they have their kids to think about. They'll want to get to know you before introducing you to the children. And they'll be more expressive about their wants and needs, instead of making you guess.

He can commit. He has children, which is the biggest commitment you can make in life. Likely he also has an ex wife or girlfriend who he committed to when they had the children together, so he's learned a few things about what works and what doesn't.

You can observe him with his kids. When it comes to dating men with children, actions definitely speak louder than words. The warmth and love and environment he provides for them says a lot about who he really is. Observe and decide for yourself.

He's not selfish. Many bachelors are used to living on their own and answering to no one, which means it can be tough for them to form a relationship where there has to be give and take. With single dads, they give a lot of their time to their children, and they understand sacrifice and compromise. They are anything but selfish.

He has a good sense of humor and is more relaxed. You have to have a sense of humor when raising children, because it's a tough endeavor. Chances are he's learned to relax and not let little things bother him so much. He's more focused on the big picture, and in creating a good life for himself and his children.

Happy belated father's day!

For many people, it's hard to get back out there again, so congratulations that you've made the decision to try out an online dating site.

Dating can be an emotional roller coaster, and that's a tough thing to endure after a divorce. People can be unpredictable, especially when compared to a partnership that lasted many years. Maybe you don't miss your ex-spouse, but you miss being married, having a companion.

Rest assured, you can find love again. But it's even more important to be ready. To learn from your mistakes.

If you've been frustrated, it's easy to blame it on the people you're meeting. After all, how could you consider dating someone who chews with his mouth open, or laughs like a hyena, or only seems to wear button-down flannel shirts? But remember, we all have our own idiosyncrasies. Before you quit your online dating membership, it's important to look at and understand what you can change.

Following are some mistakes to avoid after a divorce:

Starting too soon. There's something to be said for being solitary, at least right after your divorce. Instead of trying to find a replacement girlfriend/boyfriend so quickly, take a step back and a deep breath. Learn about yourself again - what interests you, what makes you happy. Try new things by yourself. Explore a new place. I promise you'll find out something new about yourself, something separate from your old life with a partner. It's important - necessary even - to be okay with being alone before trying to find a partner again.

Looking for Mr./Ms. Right. Please don't enter into each date wondering whether or not you'll meet your next husband or wife. That's an awful lot of pressure for anyone, and believe me, they will sense it. Instead, look forward to meeting someone new, regardless of whether he is or isn't right for you. Converse. Get to know him. Decide later. Enjoy the moment. Nobody is a waste of time.

Ex talk. I sound like a broken record sometimes, but avoid talking about your ex, please. Even if your date is divorced and wants to dish, too. Even if you can't help but be reminded of your ex. Even if your ex did something totally unreasonable right before your date. It doesn't matter. Your ex isn't on your date, so stop talking about her. It's incredibly unattractive.

Getting heavy. Maybe you're dying to talk about all the problems you've been facing since your divorce. You go into each date like it's a therapy session, hoping someone will say something that makes sense to you. Instead of looking to your dates for comfort, turn to a real therapist. Save your dates for stress relief. They should be about having fun.

Happy dating!