Advice

Everyone knows that double dates can be awkward: another couple, begging to be directly compared to your relationship. What you might not realize is that the temptation to compare relationship to someone else’s doesn’t only occur when they’re sitting across from you at dinner. We tend to relate to others by sharing and comparing our own experiences, so when you’ve embarked on a new relationship it’s not uncommon to get a lot of “helpful tips” and stories from others. And when that happens, it’s probably best we stuff some proverbial cotton in our ears.

You see, comparing yourself to another relationship is not often good, but comparing it against an established relationship can be even worse. Yes, there is the occasional kernel of wisdom, but in general it’s best to maintain a “take it with a grain of salt” policy. Here are just a few reasons why:

First, there’s what, in the literary world, is called the “unreliable narrator.” Not that the person talking to you is a liar, or in any way malicious or untrustworthy; it’s just that they can only tell you their story from their own perspective. They may think their relationship had a turning point thanks to some event, while their partner may think it was due to a completely different motivation. Combine that with the fuzziness of time, and even the most cherished memories might be closer to a vague approximation of the truth rather than gospel.

Next, there’s the benefit of time. It can be tempting to observe another couple and long for the closeness they might have: a one-word answer and a look that seems to equal an entire message to a partner, or two people who make the same joke at the same time. Those people might even say they “clicked” at once. The truth: they may well have had a spark, but they likely weren’t that close at first sight. No matter how compatible you are, some things only come with time - doing activities together, watching the same movies, actively working on communication.

Finally, remember this: whenever you see another couple, they know they’re in public, potentially being observed, and thus, are always on their best behavior. Even when you can spot the cracks in a public facade, know that you’re only seeing half the story. This doesn’t mean that every relationship is terrible behind closed doors; in fact, some might be even more loving and affectionate when they’re not feeling self-conscious and exposed. It simply means that you’re not getting an accurate picture of how the relationship really works.

So you can’t really get an accurate sense of someone else’s relationship, even if you observe, even if they tell you all about it - and that’s okay! Because there’s no point comparing your relationship that closely with someone else’s; every relationship is somewhat unique anyway. Sometimes you can make the tips and tricks of others work for you; sometimes you and your partner have to find your own way. As long as you’re seeking your own happiness, and not what you think happiness should look like, you’re on the right path.

If you ever want to get a heated argument going, or a million responses with absolutely no consensus, just ask one question: What is the appropriate length of time before a relationship becomes “serious”? So serious that you’re talking a long-term commitment like marriage?

Chances are, you’ll hear everything under the sun. You’ll hear oddly specific but arbitrary amounts of time, like “five months” or “a year and a half.” You’ll hear touching sentiments, like “As soon as you know you can’t live without the other person.” You might hear vaguely gloomy pronouncements like “You can never know, and the odds are stacked against you, so whenever you feel up to making that gamble, I guess.”

Most of all, though, you’ll hear anecdotes. You’ll hear about the couple who got engaged after five weeks and ultimately divorced, and the couple who got married after two weeks and stayed together the rest of their lives. You’ll hear about “love at first sight” and celebrity marriages that crumbled after days. If the person you’re talking to is or was ever in a relationship, you’ll hear the details on that and how that’s shaped their perception of what a lasting relationship requires.

You’ll hear a bunch of noise, but chances are, it won’t be very helpful. Simply put, every person is different, with different strengths and different blind spots. They’re in a relationship with another unique person, who brings their own set of factors. You could even factor in the current circumstances (the reason you hear things like, “The right people, the wrong time”). Thus, every relationship is slightly different from the next.

So, what is the appropriate length of time before you get serious? Perhaps the real answer is a mishmash of everything you’ve heard. There’s certainly no hard-and-fast rule. Maybe you’ll “know when you know,” or maybe you’re the kind of person who just has to make that “gamble.” The one thing you do know is yourself; you know if you’re the kind of person who tends to make impetuous decisions. You know if you’re the sort of person who never feels one hundred percent about a decision until it’s made. You know if this is something typical for you, or wholly different.

And, of course, you know how you feel about your partner, and hopefully you’re communicating with them about this as well. You can’t go by a pre-ordained length of time to know if the two of you are ready for the next step, but you can know if you’re ready to take that “gamble” together. You can survey hundreds of people and just get more noise; ultimately you and your partner are the only two opinions that matter.

The scenario: You've met a woman you find incredibly attractive. You've been dating for a few weeks, and are considering a relationship. The problem? She posts constantly about her personal life on social media, and checks Facebook and Instagram constantly, which makes you a little uncomfortable. What will she say about you?

Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and other social media sites have become a huge part of our lives. Most of us regularly check in. But we all have different levels of comfort with what and how much we share.

If you're in your twenties, you're more likely to friend someone before the first date, and you're more likely to share aspects of your life over social media. There isn't such a divide between your virtual presence and your real life, because the Internet and social media have been ever-present. So it might be harder to discern where the line is when you discuss your love life. For instance, do you blog, Tweet, or share stories on Facebook about your dates? Do you look at someone's relationship status before her ring finger? Do you like to post photos of you and your dates on Instagram?

Social media can play a large role in developing relationships, so it's important to discuss how you will use it if you decide to take your relationship to the next level.

Maybe you're worried because your girlfriend checks her Facebook page when she first wakes up in the morning, or because her Instagram account is full of pictures of her getting drunk with friends. Before you make assumptions about her online behavior going forward, it's important to discuss what makes you uncomfortable and set some boundaries as far as what you'll share online.

For instance, let her know that you love her blog, but you don't want to be the subject of any posts, positive or negative. Talk about your relationship status in person before you make decisions about what it is on Facebook. Maybe you're fine with her posting pictures of her meals, travel, or friends on Instagram, but you're uncomfortable with her keeping a visual record of every date. Talk it out. Together you can decide where the boundaries are, what you can compromise on, and what will make both of you happy.

Bottom line: if you're uncomfortable with how much or the content of what your girlfriend shares, let her know. Don't expect her to have the same opinions or judgments as you do. Everyone is a little different when it comes to what they are willing to expose and the stories they wish to tell publicly. So don't make assumptions based on what you think is right. Discuss how much you want to share of your love life over social media.

Falling in love can be intoxicating. You meet someone, and you click. You find yourself incredibly attracted to each other, and eventually, you want to spend all of your time together. Before you know it, you've moved in together and are spending every night together - watching movies, making dinner, or even doing laundry together. You've fallen into a rhythm of being each other's company, no matter what you're doing.

And while these are all wonderful things, they (like everything else in life) also need balance. Do you find yourself feeling guilty that you haven't seen your friends in weeks? Or are you happy to go to another art exhibit with your partner when really you'd prefer to go to the beach and lie in the sand, reading your magazines? Are your needs truly being met, or are you ignoring them to spend time together?

Just like you can't throw yourself into work without upsetting your personal relationships, you can't throw yourself full-time into your new partnership without sacrificing some of your own individual needs. The key is striking a balance.

Everyone needs her own personal time. It's valuable for recharging, for growing intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally, for feeding your relationship. Relying on another person or on the relationship to help you fill your time and all of your needs won't be successful. It's important to have a sense of independence in order to grow in a relationship and with a partner.

So, how do you balance "we" time vs. "me" time? What if your partner doesn't understand that you would like to spend Sunday afternoons by yourself, or go out with your girlfriends a few times a week, or go on a solo hiking trip once a month for your own enjoyment?

If you're scared or unsure of how to approach the subject, try being completely open. Likely your partner would welcome some alone time, too, and maybe he's just as afraid to bring up the subject and disrupt your routine.

Let him know that spending time by yourself or with a friend is important to you. Let him know that it helps you to recharge, whether you need some peace and quiet after a rough work week, whether you'd like to get back in touch with those hobbies you haven't dabbled with in a while, or whether it's just to have a laugh and catch up with a friend. These parts of your life are just as important as your relationship, and are necessary to your overall happiness.

Making time for yourself is an important part of building better relationships with those most important to you.

Instant gratification is part of our lives. Whether we want a coffee or an iPhone, we can get it right now. There's no such thing as saving up for a new couch when you could put it on the credit card or even layaway and take it home right away. Or take social media. When I post something on Facebook or Twitter, I can get responses almost instantly, which makes me post even more.

So with our proclivity to instant gratification, does it affect our dating lives? Are you expecting relationships to just "happen" with the right chemistry? Are you having sex whenever you want, even when you aren't necessarily into the guy/ girl? Do you think to yourself that you can't commit because you might meet someone else even better tomorrow?

When you're online dating, it's easy to fall into this mental trap. After all, with one click you can search through hundreds of profiles and have dates lined up every day of the week. There's always somebody new to meet, someone to have sex with, which can make us feel that there's always something better around the corner without really looking at the person right on front of us. This can be especially true in big cities where the possibilities for dating seem endless.

Or if you're the type to jump into a relationship quickly because the chemistry is so intense, you're giving in to instant gratification as well. The truth is, you don't yet know the person, so you're projecting your ideal relationship and romantic partner onto him without even realizing it. And when you actually get to know each other, these assumptions and beliefs fall away, and you're left angry and confused.

Neither scenario feels like a healthy way to date. Looking to satisfy your need for instant gratification won't bring about what most people truly desire, a real and lasting relationship. We want to connect. We want to love. But sometimes, this feels more scary than doing what we know and following the same unhealthy patterns.

Instead of jumping headfirst into your next relationship, or dating so many men/ women that you can't keep their names straight, try doing the opposite. Try focusing on one date at a time. Instead of pushing things forward, let your dating progress at a slow pace. It will feel strange, but it will allow you some freedom. You'll get to know each other on a deeper level without the intensity (and commitment).

Take it one date at a time, and see if your next relationship turns out differently.

While everyone loves a Hollywood ending, in real life, things can get much more complicated and murky. Instead of the leading man and the object of his affection coming together despite all the odds, there is usually a trail of miscommunication, resentment, and mistakes. All too often, it just doesn't work out.

If you're waiting around for your prince to find you like Tom Hanks finds Meg Ryan in Sleepless in Seattle, then you might want to rethink your strategy. Love takes two people actively searching and putting forth the effort. Developing a strong relationship takes time, trust, and courage - not to mention actually meeting first.

Following are some of the other myths about love we could do without:

Emotionally distant men will come around. I know - who didn't think Carrie should pursue her affair with Mr. Big? And let's face it, there is something really sexy about Don Draper. But these are poor examples of worthy men when it comes to finding the right relationship. A man of mystery doesn't know how to give love or communicate, which can lead to frustration, mistrust, and resentment over time. Instead of seeking to turn the bad boy into a loving partner, find a new love.

I want my boyfriend to pursue me. It's very romantic to picture a man running through the streets of New York trying to catch us before we board that plane to London and leave him for good. But is that really plausible? If you are waiting for that moment where your man decides he can't live without you, then you're likely chasing a dream. When a man is truly interested, he makes himself clear. He pursues you, calls you, wants to spend time with you. He doesn't keep you from his friends and family, he looks to incorporate you into his life.

Changing my appearance will help me get a man. Many women go to great lengths with botox injections, breast implants, tummy tucks and lip fillers. But does this really attract a man with long-term potential? Most men find a woman attractive based on her energy and her confidence rather than her size. If you embrace your physical flaws and exude sexiness, you'll be irresistible.

We should just "get" each other. As romantic as it sounds to be able to stare into one another's eyes and know what each other is thinking, this is not the case. Communication is essential in any successful relationship. If you aren't getting your needs met, it's important to speak up instead of thinking he should figure it out. Talking with each other about what you both want creates emotional intimacy.