Advice

There is a murky time in almost every relationship where you wonder, "are we still just dating, or are we officially a couple?" And while you might want to know where you stand, it can be difficult to bring it up in conversation. After all, things have been moving along so well. Why ruin it with such a serious topic?

But then again, you don't want to waste time. You want to know where the relationship is headed.

So, how do you judge for yourself? How long do you date each other before you have the conversation about making it exclusive?

A recent poll conducted by DatingSitesReviews.com found that most people (54%) consider how long you've been dating the most important factor in determining your relationship status. In other words, the longer you've been dating, the more you can consider yourself an item. The majority of respondents (26%) felt that if you were dating for more than two months, you were in an official relationship. Nineteen percent felt that dating one to two months granted you the right to call it an exclusive relationship. Only 9% felt that two to four weeks constituted some kind of commitment.

Another important factor besides how long you've been dating: saying those magical three words: "I love you." Nineteen percent of respondents felt that when you said these words to each other, your relationship was official.

One interesting finding was that people don't necessarily view sexual activity while dating as a casual thing. Fifteen percent of respondents felt that a relationship was official once they'd had sex. Nine percent felt a relationship turned serious when you went away on a trip together.

Surprisingly, a traditional gage like meeting your date's parents didn't really factor in to most people's opinion of when you become a couple. Only one percent felt that this was proof that your relationship was official.

And for those who date a bit more casually, only one percent felt that the defining mark of an "official relationship" was when you move in together. So, don't keep dating lots of people until you find someone you can share a bathroom with - most of the men or women you date will think you're an item well before that point.

Bottom line: most people felt that the length of time you've been dating is the gage by which to determine whether or not you're in a relationship. So if you've been dating someone for a while without discussing what you both want, then you might want to talk sooner rather than later.

It’s not surprising that many in the dating world focus on finding The One. The One they’re meant to be with, The One who perfectly matches their particular quirks and strengths... The One who will ultimately make them happy.

Not surprisingly, that places quite a bit of pressure on everyone involved. Maybe this person is great, but are they The One? Maybe this person seems like they might be The One for me... but they don’t think I’m The One for them. Does fate even work that way?

You’re worried about making the wrong choice. Your date is worried about doing something to make them appear less than perfect. But what if there wasn’t a One out there? What if there wasn’t even a One Perfect Type for you?

The idea that there’s one perfect archetype that perfectly complements you seems a little unlikely to begin with. If there were one perfect person in the world for you, what are the odds that they’d be in your hometown, and not Singapore? Yet there are countless little old couples who have been happy for decades. What about the widow who had a great love that died early, found someone completely different, and was still happily in love for the rest of her life?

Perhaps the truth is that love and commitment are at least partially a choice. It’s not a matter of “settling” for someone who makes you less than happy; perhaps the truth is that there are hundreds of people out there who could potentially make you just as happy. You don’t want to spend your life trying them all, however, so you actively choose to be with one.

Perhaps that decision is daunting for some - the idea of someone who runs from commitment is not a new one - but it should be freeing as well. Because you aren’t trying to find The One, the only one in the world who could possibly make you happy. Your “perfect match” doesn’t necessarily have to fit every item on your checklist to make them perfect for you. In a true sense, you’re looking for a partner; someone to grow with, make discoveries with. If that’s what you’re truly searching for - not a clone or a fantasy - you may encounter one sooner than you’d think.

So who are you searching for?

It is true that in order to be successful in online dating, you’ll probably have to be a little proactive. We’d all love it if all we had to do is create a user name and potential matches would be falling at our feet. Instead, meeting new people often involves taking the initiative and messaging first - and bouncing back and trying elsewhere if we don’t get the answer we want.

However, there is a fine line you’ll want to watch out for - the line between “being proactive” and “allowing online dating to become all-consuming.” It’s easy to see how it happens; an online dating website is kind of like a new toy, especially if it was particularly difficult to meet or even see single, age-appropriate people in your daily life. There are now so many possibilities! Now I’ve just messaged another one! Let’s sit by the email and wait for a response!

And that’s where things start to go south. Chances are, you already have a job, a routine, friends, hobbies. Online dating can easily be a time sink, especially if you factor in time spent obsessing over responses that may or may not ever arrive. If you’re not prepared to factor in that extra time, you could be taking away from something more important - like your job or relationships with family and friends.

When you do start dating someone new, it’s natural to be a little dreamy-eyed and foggy-headed at the beginning - but prior to that, it’s probably best to conserve your energy. Profiles are not the same as people, and an email is only a means of securing your first in-person meeting, when you can really suss out your compatibility. The dream of a possibility is alluring, but it’s not worth actually wasting time.

To combat falling into the dream trap, set limits from the very beginning. For instance, maybe you’ll decide you won’t check your email for dating messages at work. Maybe you’ll set aside a little time each day, or every other day, to peruse profiles and send messages, but vow to stay in the moment the rest of the time.

After all, when a profile or a date asks you what you do in your spare time, you want the answer to be interesting and genuine - and you don’t want it to be “Hit refresh on my online dating profile and email.” Do you know when to take a break?

Picture this: you’re out on a date with a doctor. At the beginning of the night, your doctor date explains that they have to keep their beeper or phone with them at all times, because they’re on call. Seems reasonable, right? As it turns out, with the lines between work and life blurring all the time, you don’t have to be dating a doctor to run into this scenario.

It’s not uncommon for people to have to be connected to some form of technology most of the time, as obligated by their profession. For most, it’s their phone; for some, an actual computer or other equipment is toted around as well. And, while for some this is an isolated issue - maybe they’re on call every once in a great while - for others it’s a regular occurrence, meaning they can’t just schedule their life such that their dates will be tech-free.

The problem is that this is a such a recent development that there aren’t hard and fast rules of etiquette. For example, what about those who don’t need to be tethered to their phones, but compulsively check social media and email anyway? How can you tell the difference between someone who’s conscientious and responsible, and someone who’s a workaholic? If you’re the one tethered to the phone, how do you approach this without scaring off your date?

As with most situations, clear communication is the best place to start. Like the imaginary doctor date, if you’re the one toting tech, explain why right at the outset. It doesn’t hurt to be a little apologetic - it lets the date know they’re still your top priority. At the same time, though, you’re not asking for permission.

Next, do your very best to be in the moment with your date, and not focused on work. Instead of double-checking for emails every two minutes, set an alert that’s audible or vigorously vibrating; that way, you can be confident you’ll get the message, and you won’t have to continuously break eye contact. You’re also sending the message that you know how to set boundaries between your work and your social life.

If your date is the one with the phone welded to them, try to be sympathetic; not everyone can clock out right as the sun sets. Unfortunately, it’s really hard to tell whether your date is overly consumed with their job in the space of one date, so try not to place too much weight on the presence of the phone. Instead, focus on other aspects: how’s the conversation? Do you have a spark of chemistry? However, if your date’s job consumes every consecutive date, or prohibits you from even scheduling another, it might be time to have a talk.

Technology is an integral part of our lives today, and there’s no reason why it should hinder our relationships, even as they’re just blossoming. However, communication - between each other - and mutual respect are the keys to making it all work.

Some things just don’t mix well: oil and water, politics and Thanksgiving dinner. And, believe it or not, alcohol and the first date.

There are many that oppose this concept; for example, they might not want to stifle any aspect of who they are, no matter how trivial. Some might want a drink to loosen up and better “be themselves.” Perhaps the reasoning is that they drink socially all the time, and have for years, and thus are confident in their ability to keep it together.

However, no matter how conservative a drinker, or shy, or authentic you are, it might be worth taking a pass on alcohol that first night. First and foremost, even a little alcohol can impair your judgement, and you’re there to assess your compatibility. It’s one thing to get a little silly when you’re already comfortable with your friends; it’s another to get cozier than you might have otherwise. Some even use alcohol to intentionally make their date seem better; all this does is waste time for the both of you. You’ll just have to make the same decision later.

Next, there’s always a bit of a risk when it comes to drinking. Maybe you couldn’t eat that day thanks to first-date nerves, and you’re getting much tipsier, much faster. Maybe this restaurant makes their drinks much stronger than you’re used to. Unfortunately, you might not realize before you’re already drunker than you intended. And while a little alcohol might help you talk more easily, too much could lead to conversations you’d never ordinarily have. Or blackouts. Or vomiting. Not exactly the first impression you want to make.

Then there’s a safety issue. Let’s imagine that someone other than your date put something in your drink. Perhaps if you’re with friends who know you well, someone might notice you’re not yourself and get you medical attention. But instead, you’re with someone who has just met you; for all they know, you’re simply drunk. However, if you aren’t drinking alcoholic drinks in the first place, your behavior would certainly seem out of the ordinary to even a casual bystander.

First dates are fraught with nerves and peril. It’s tempting to stifle a little of that stress with a drink or two. However, before you choose your beverage, you might want to weigh the risks and benefits, and choose or limit accordingly.

Many people have been going a little nuts over Internet sensations Jessica Walsh and Timothy Goodwin, two friends, colleagues, and the creators of the blog and dating project 40 Days of Dating. If you've been reading their daily posts, then you probably are dying to know - did they stay together or break-up?

Friendships that become romantic are nothing new, but we all wonder - why is it that some friends are able to overcome their worries and progress into a long-term relationship while others are left feeling awkward and resentful of each other? As it turns out, we can watch exactly how one such friendship plays out.

The couple set the website up as an experiment, because they were both having terrible luck at finding love. Timothy was your good old-fashioned playboy, the non-commital let's-just-have-fun type who didn't want to get serious with a woman. Jessica was of course the opposite - a hopeless romantic who fell quickly for the men she dated, which eventually left her heart-broken and wondering what went wrong.

While the set-up is generic, the day-to-day observations by each of them as they proceeded to date each other exclusively over the course of 40 days, attend therapy sessions, and blog about their feelings and experiences, are pretty engaging and enlightening. Many times, they completely misread and misunderstood each other. Many times they just wanted to cut loose and run for the hills instead of proceeding with the relationship. But because they were forced to stay and try to talk with each other, to come up with a workable solution that would last the 40 days, they found themselves confronting their demons on more than one occasion.

Their weaknesses (hers being loneliness and his being vulnerability) came out, and they weren't able to hide. This is what makes their relationship progression an interesting thing for us readers. They couldn't hide behind their masks. They had to take them off, to stand in front of each other and expose their insecurities and fears. And that makes for good Internet (and maybe a good movie---it seems they have signed with an agent).

While Jessica and Timothy have seemed to grow in their experiment and slowly trust each other enough to (maybe?) fall in love, they still have a long way to go. As with many relationships, trust and commitment aren't built overnight - it's a process of discovery, of revelation. The only way to move past the infatuation stage is to really spend time and get to know each other.

So what does this mean for friends who aren't sure whether they should date? The bigger question is: will you regret it if you don't at least give it a try?