Advice

In a recent interview with Business Insider, eHarmony CEO Neil Clark Warren lamented the growing popularity of dating apps like Tinder, where users can swipe left and right after judging someone based on a few photos and short description. Many people prefer the ease and accessibility of dating apps to filling out long questionnaires or writing detailed profiles.

As a psychologist, Warren has touted the benefits of matching based on compatibility - eHarmony's mission and the basis of its marketing – as opposed to the pitfalls of just leaving things to chance. He believes that the game-like dating experience apps like Tinder offer could lead to superficial relationships that don't last for the long-term. 

"I’m sad about it, to tell you the truth, because it doesn't work," he told Business Insider. "It won’t work over time. These new apps tend to be so superficial. They will allure a lot of people into thinking that they belong together when they perhaps don’t belong together at all. They’re depending on superficial almost accidental compatibility. Compatibility is a serious matter, and it’s very deep and very important to figure out."

Tinder has taken the dating world by storm, almost rendering traditional online dating sites with algorithms and matching technology passé. Instead, Tinder has managed to present dating as more like a game - something that engages people and is easy to use, if not very focused on the end result.

But one has to ask: why should any dating app or online dating company be invested in people coupling up? It takes away their business in an industry that relies on sheer numbers in order to sell their product or attract investment dollars.

Dr. Warren however, maintains that he is focused on the end goal: matching people for the long-term, and doing it scientifically. He tells Business Insider that while "it isn't horrible to date people who aren't perfect for you," he thinks that these relationships will accidentally extend into something long-term, like marriage, where the partners eventually split. 

"These companies that are bringing out these apps, they haven't done any careful research about what works," Warren said. "They're just trying to throw something out there that makes money for the company."

He added: "As a psychologist, I've presided over the funerals of an awful lot of marriages, and I've seen people suffer a tremendous amount of pain who went through horrible divorces."

While this might be a little misleading - after all, to some extent, love happens by chance - be it through a dating app or an online dating site, or even while standing in line for your morning coffee. Connection happens, and sometimes it just has to be pursued, regardless of how compatible you are. But for those looking for more serious relationships, would you place your heart in the hands of Tinder or eHarmony?

 

Are you an eHarmony or OkCupid user? Chances are, you wouldn’t join both sites, because they cater to two different types of users. eHarmony attracts daters who are more serious and committed to finding a partner, whereas OkCupid skews a bit younger and takes itself a lot less seriously.

But regardless of which online dating site you choose – wouldn’t you want to understand how to use it most effectively, so you could obtain better results? Would you want to know how other people are using the site, and potentially how they are matched and communicate with you?

Harvard Business School professor Mikolaj “Misiek” Piskorski is the author of the newly released book A Social Strategy: How We Profit From Social Media. In conducting research for his book, he obtained data sets from both OkCupid and eHarmony to determine how different demographics communicate, flirt, and connect over the websites. He set out to see the differences in communication styles between men and women as well as older and younger users.

In the course of writing his book, which is designed for businesses with social media presences, Piskorski studied the online dating habits of millions of users. After personal information was made anonymous so it wouldn’t be compromised, he started his search: specifically, how online daters send messages to each other, how they flirt online, and how they use the sites.

In a recent interview with Fast Company magazine, Piskorski said, “Where eHarmony varies dramatically is communication. People reach out to each other more on eHarmony, and get more responses on there. The people you traditionally would think have the hardest time reaching out to people do very well on eHarmony.”

What does this mean in terms of day to day use of the site? Generally speaking, because each person's pool of matches is smaller on a site like eHarmony where the matches are qualified, they tend to have an easier time reaching out. For timid users, it’s an empowering thing – they will message more on a site like eHarmony than on OkCupid when they know they are competing with thousands of other members.

Another reason for the increased communication on eHarmony is due to the fact that older women and men who are older, more overweight, or shorter than average daters are also more likely to reach out on eHarmony without feeling intimidated. Again, the limited number of matches he feels is a primary reason. Because eHarmony users have fewer choices than okCupid users, they are more likely to reach out, especially women, to people they are matched with.

So does less mean more? Perhaps. OkCupid users tended to gravitate towards specific matching services that offered more bite-sized options, too. For women, it was Quiver, which showed them matches that OkCupid thought would be good based on their likes and communication patterns. For men, it was a service called Quickmatch, where they could look at photos and basic profile information and rate the users according to what they find attractive.

Perhaps a study of dating app communication will be next on Pikorski’s list.

I know a woman that I absolutely cannot stand - and with whom I should be best friends.

On paper, we’ve got so much in common. We shared the same major in college. We have many of the same interests in books and movies. We share almost all the same political beliefs. She’s done many things that have earned my respect.

Now, if only we could have a conversation without one of us gritting our teeth. I’m not sure exactly what the problem is; there’s no apparent underlying issue, like competition, for instance. We’ve both tried to get along. I simply feel like we’re speaking two different languages. Chatting is never easy, even though we’re both extroverts. We’re somehow oil and water.

I’ve known her for many years. I’ve long accepted that we’re never going to be best friends, and that’s okay. Occasionally, though, I’m reminded by how compatible we ought to be, and I’m bewildered all over again.

The same thing happens on occasion in online dating. We see a profile that looks promising, and get excited, only to be disappointed when our personalities don’t mesh nearly as well in person as they do on paper.

The problem is that sometimes we want to believe the profile is the truth, not the person. We’ve become infatuated with that profile, and we’re not ready to let it go. So we try a second date, or a third.

Alas, like my non-friend and me, you can’t usually talk yourself into having chemistry. Sure, randomly bad first dates do happen, but that second date will confirm everything you need to know, if you’re honest with yourself. So if you find yourself in a similar situation, remind yourself: you’re not looking for a great profile, or a great emailer. You’re looking for someone who is just as good - or better - in person as they are on paper.

Now here's some news you probably never expected to hear: not only are more people meeting on social networks (which doesn't come as a surprise to anyone who hasn't been living in a remote jungle for the last decade), but their relationships are also happier than those that begin off-line in more traditional ways.

What?

Yes, apparently it's true. Jeffrey Hall, associate professor of Communication Studies at the University of Kansas, discovered that 7% of people who married after meeting online didn’t meet in matchmaking chat rooms or on online dating sites. In fact, they met for the first time on social networking sites like Facebook.

Surprised by his finding, given that dating isn’t the purpose of social networking websites, Hall decided to investigate further. He was curious to learn more about who is meeting their significant others this way and how well their relationships fair. He put together a sample of 19,131 participants who'd been married once between 2005 in 2012. Each participant had met their partner in one of four ways: online dating sites, e-mail or instant messaging, online communities like chat rooms or virtual reality games, or social networking sites.

Hall found that those who met on social networking sites were more likely to be younger, married more recently, and African-American compared to those who met via other digital methods. He also found that, when compared based on marital satisfaction, the partners who met via social networking reported being just as happy as those who were introduced any other way – even on online dating sites, which are designed to nurture connection and tout their compatibility benefits.

What surprised Hall even more, however, was that the relationships that started on social media were actually happier than those that begin offline, in traditional ways like being introduced by mutual friends.

What explains his findings?

Hall has a couple of theories. “I think that social networking is the digital version of being introduced by friends,” he says. So although the medium has changed in the 21st century, the method has not. Social networks also have another potentially huge advantage over dating services: there is way less pressure. Online dating can be intensely stressful, so it's not hard to believe that romance might blossom better under more relaxed, Facebook friend-ly circumstances.

The result is conversations on social networking sites that are more casual and low risk, and removed from the anxiety of traditional online dating. Low risk + high reward = hello, online romance!

After years of off-again, on-again relationship, dates that didn’t go anywhere, and, yes, online dating, one of my best friends finally seems to be in a great relationship. They’re approaching a year together, with no end in sight.

They happened to meet at a series of company events, but they both have online dating profiles on the same sites. Naturally, one might wonder: why didn’t they meet sooner?

The answer is that they filtered one another out. For one thing, the guy - Steve - is a good twenty years older than his girlfriend, Lisa. Though Lisa was open to dating older men, twenty years was a bit out of her comfort zone. For another, Steve has children. Lisa wasn’t interested in having kids. However, dating an older man means that the children are grown and out of the house, and for Lisa, that’s a horse of a different color.

On Steve’s part, he too had filtered Lisa out due to her age, assuming he wouldn’t have anything in common with someone that much younger. He had also filtered out anyone with cats, as he’s allergic. In an odd twist of fate, Lisa’s pet cat had passed on earlier, and she had no plans to get another, but she hadn’t thought to update her profile.

Despite their “differences,” a quick perusal of their profiles would have revealed that they still had much in common - everything from their tastes in pop culture to their political opinions. And while there are differences, they aren’t on the opposite ends of the spectrum. If they’d seen one another’s profiles, they might well have messaged each other.

But they didn’t. They’d each filtered the other out, and met solely on chance.

There’s nothing wrong with using the filter tools of an online dating site; they can help cut through the white noise and help you make sense of the sheer number of options. But if you’ve become familiar with your site, and you feel like you’ve perused all your current options, it might be worth experimenting with peeling back your filters, one at a time. What if you didn’t place a restriction on body type? What if you didn’t worry about a height difference?

There are exceptions to every rule - but identifying those exceptions is still a task left up to the human heart, not an algorithm. Severe search options clean up your list of options, but occasionally it doesn’t hurt to allow a little mess.

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Dating is full of clichés, and online dating is even worse. If I see one more person who describes themselves as “fun” or says they like “hanging out with friends” (or, God forbid, that they like “candlelit dinners and long walks on the beach”) I am going to throw my laptop out the window in a fit of rage. Could you possibly be any more boring?

Most online clichés should be ignored, but there’s one overused online dating phrase that’s worth paying attention to: “no drama.”

Yes, it sounds incredibly annoying and to be honest I would probably never date someone who used it. That being said, I do think it has value. We all like to complain about the drama others bring into our lives, but when was the last time you stopped to ask yourself if you’re the reason there's drama in your relationships? If you find yourself in bad relationship after bad relationship, it's time to face the music: the common denominator is you.

Next time you see an online dating profile that says drama queens need not apply, ask yourself a few questions:

• Are you ready to have fun? If a new relationship is coming directly on the heels of the previous one, you may not have given your self sufficient time to heal. On the other hand, if it's been forever since you last dipped your toes in the dating pool, you might be feeling totally lost. Getting back into the swing of things means being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Sometimes you’ll be rejected. Sometimes someone you're interested in will simply disappear. Sometimes a date will go totally haywire. If you're not ready to face every eventuality – and have fun while doing it - there's a good chance drama will follow.
• How confident are you? Dating isn't always easy. In fact, it can be downright brutal. Things will happen that will make you forget how totally awesome you are. The minute your confidence takes a hit, you start behaving in ways that sink it even further. Low self-esteem leads to neediness, to dependency, and to attention-seeking behavior. When you don't feel good about yourself internally, you'll find yourself desperately seeking external validation. None of this is healthy. None of this is attractive. And all of it = drama.
• Have you fully moved on from your last relationship? Hello, drama central! One of the easiest ways to doom a relationship is to enter it before you're ready. It’s never smart to start dating right away after the end of a relationship. It might feel like a fix, but that fix is only temporary. You’ll end up dragging the baggage from the previous relationship over to the new one, dooming things with your new date from the very beginning. When a relationship ends, stay single until you're ready to date again with confidence, happiness, an open heart, and absolutely zero ex drama.