Advice

Dating is meant to be fun, right? You’re meeting new people with the prospect of romance looming large. So why is it that more people feel frustrated and confused, considering how easy it is to meet new people?

A recent article in The New York Post interviewed young daters in Manhattan who are treating the dating process like another job – that is, they are scheduling their time to include meeting potential romantic partners as a key priority.

One young man made a list of everything he wanted to do to prepare for a date, and promised himself he’d go on at least two OkCupid dates per week. Another young woman declared that she would message five to seven men at any given time and reserve Monday through Wednesday nights for dates only. “I figured that if I went out with enough people, one of them was bound to go well,” she said.

I'm a big fan of having a plan. Good organization helps with business decisions and day-to-day living. But what happens when you try to plan out your love life, specifically by making a big wish list of the kind of man you want and all the romantic trappings that come along with it?

I think many of us get stuck when we try to special-order love into our lives. While online dating makes it possible to pick and choose what we like and don't like, people are much more unpredictable than their profiles might imply. For instance, maybe you only go for tall guys with dark hair who are either musicians or bikers. But then when you date them, it never seems to work out.

Or maybe you have a four-page list of qualities you want in an ideal partner, and nothing less than perfect will do. According to recent studies, women tend to have at least 100 traits that they desire in a man, while men only have 3 traits they look for in a woman.

Can you imagine a man bringing a four-page wish list on a date with you? How would it make you feel to be under such a microscope and never quite measuring up?

Searching for love is an organic process. Real love ignores plans and rules and wish lists. When you really connect with someone, it doesn't matter that they aren't as tall as you'd like, or don't meet your education requirements, or work in public service instead of at a law firm. If you are open to allowing love to happen despite the fact that a man might not meet all of your wish list requirements, you are making room for more opportunity in your love life.

While it would be nice to think we can think up the man of our dreams, life is much more surprising than this. in fact, often what we think we desire is not actually what we truly want. If you think about your true desires in a romantic partnership, is it that your man is taller than you, or that he respects you and really listens to what you have to say? Some things are just more important than others.

It's also important to be open to timing. If you're too focused on career and ignore your love life, you could be missing opportunities. It's the same thing as waiting for "the right time" to have a relationship. The universe doesn't work that way. It's important to remain open.

That's when real love can happen.

Jennifer Lopez recently admitted to online magazine YourTango that she doesn't like being alone, and she's owning that about herself. She was unapologetic in her declaration. Many people feel the same way, even though we may not want to admit it.

Being alone is a scary prospect. Maybe you are independent in some ways, like in terms of your career or financial status (as is Jennifer!), but when it comes to relationships you can't picture yourself single for any significant period of time. In fact, the thought of not having someone to turn to in the middle of the night - lacking a partner's support - might make you panic.

Do you jump from relationship to relationship? Do you avoid breaking up with someone who isn't right for you in order to avoid being alone? Do you demand too much, too soon from new relationships because you miss that feeling of intimacy?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, the thought of being alone probably frightens you. Are you willing to let these thoughts go, to change your attachment to relationships? Maybe jumping from one relationship to the next isn't serving you, and is leaving you feeling more desperate and alone after each break-up. But it doesn't have to. You are in more control than you think. You have the power to choose to love someone because you want to love him, not because you need to have love in your life.

It's time to turn those feelings around, so instead of acting out of fear, you'll be standing on firmer, healthier ground. When you are in a better place you will have an easier time finding the right person. More importantly, you can feel safer that you will find the right person instead of another Mr. Right Now. You can feel more secure.

First, I ask you to do these exercises. When you're head and heart are in a more supportive space, you can make better decisions about who to love:

Practice gratitude. Daily reflections on what you have in your life right now can shift your thinking. Often, we're so focused on what we want that we neglect to acknowledge all we have. But it's just as important. List five things every day that you are grateful for.

Understand you are whole. You don't need someone else to be "complete." You are a perfectly whole, capable, loving human being. Instead of assuming that you have a "better half," concentrate on all that you are right now.

Rely on your support network. Friends and family are invaluable, so don't forget about them when you're thinking about a new love. They provide support when we're low and between break-ups, and they are there to celebrate with us, too when good things happen. Cherish them.

Pursue what you love. Instead of focusing on a new relationship, think about other areas of your life where you can experience something new. Is there a hobby you've always wanted to try? Do you want to start painting again? Nourish activities you love, which can be fulfilling, too.

If you’ve survived your teen years, chances are you or someone you know has taken a compatibility quiz in a magazine. In junior high they were something almost mystical and sacred, especially if they included astrology. “I’m not sure I should have a crush on him - he’s a Libra, so apparently it could never work in the long run.”

Even if you were no longer in the teeny-bopper demographic, the compatibility quizzes didn’t stop there; even magazines aimed at adults promised to cut their way to the core of your relationships, real or potential, with five easy questions. And even though everyone knows these sort of quizzes are mostly arbitrary, it was tempting to find meaning in them, define yourself by them, view conversations through the lens provided by them.

Those quizzes haven’t gone away today; in fact, they’re a main feature for many online dating sites. But the question is, are those quizzes any more useful than they were for preteens? If a computer algorithm matches you with someone, is it really much better than charting your astrological signs?

Yes... and no. Matching systems can certainly find people in whom you might well be interested - people who fit the general categories that would catch your eye: age, profession, even interests. What they can’t do is tell you if you’d actually be good for one another - hence the familiar story of being “matched” with an ex. Sure, you might have been interested at some point, so the system isn’t wrong - you’re just ahead of the system.

Quizzes are another issue. Depending on the site and type of quiz, they might not have been answered with much consideration or seriousness. On the one hand, you can choose to take them with a grain of salt. On the other, sometimes an answer can reveal something about the character of the test-taker. In short, there’s probably no cause to be broken-hearted if you and your partner don’t match up perfectly. On the other hand, if a potential match has red flags all over their quiz results, it might not be a bad idea to treat them with caution.

However, there’s something else to consider: those same red flags would probably surface in conversation. After all, if someone is vile enough to be apparent via an innocent quiz, there’s no hiding it for long. Also, in person you’re dealing with real-time reactions and responses, not carefully thought-out quiz answers. So a quiz might indeed be helpful, but meeting in person is still the best way to determine your compatibility.

So the next time you encounter a compatibility quiz, give it all the weight you want - but remember it’s just to help you decide if you want to meet this person, not whether you’re in love with them. The true assessment happens on the first date.

“Stephanie” didn’t grow up in her current city of residence, but she may as well have; she’s lived there for over a decade, longer than anywhere else. It’s a city that’s seen her through college, through her party years, through her entire professional life. It’s a city that’s been kind enough to provide her with a wide but close-knit circle of friends and acquaintances.

There’s just one problem: when it comes to dating, that circle can seem a little too close-knit. Over the years, it seems almost every possible pairing has already taken place. Any “new” person introduced to Stephanie seems to already have a “past” with someone else she knows. And those wild flings and moments of youthful craziness that happened several years ago are seemingly never forgotten amongst friends.

You don’t have to live in a small town to feel like your pool of prospects is shrinking; sometimes even big cities can have an “everyone knows everyone” effect, particularly in a specific culture or interest. What to do when that scene goes stale?

One possible first step is to turn to online dating. Instead of meeting someone at a local watering hole (who would likely know someone else there) or being introduced through a mutual friend (who is now a social link), you can “start fresh.” No preconceived notions, no ancient gossip, no baggage you’ve actually met.

The problem is that it can even be difficult to escape your social circle on an online dating site. Once you start searching for your usual interests, you might narrow your search right on down to people you already know (or their friends). This is where experimenting can be fun and revealing. Instead of emphasizing the side of you that most already know, think about who you really are.

Maybe you’ve met most of your friends through your volunteer work - and though that certainly is a part of who you are, you don’t really know anyone who can bond with you over your secret love of old horror films. In your new profile, try playing up the film buff side and see who you meet. You can remain true to yourself and still think outside the box. Remember to keep an open mind when you look at the profiles of others, too! They might not be your normal type - but maybe that’s a good thing.

A social circle, while comforting, can also feel claustrophobic. However, if you want to reach outside the group for new romance like Stephanie, you don’t have to move away to accomplish it. Sometimes it can be as simple as looking at an online dating site with a fresh perspective.

There is a murky time in almost every relationship where you wonder, "are we still just dating, or are we officially a couple?" And while you might want to know where you stand, it can be difficult to bring it up in conversation. After all, things have been moving along so well. Why ruin it with such a serious topic?

But then again, you don't want to waste time. You want to know where the relationship is headed.

So, how do you judge for yourself? How long do you date each other before you have the conversation about making it exclusive?

A recent poll conducted by DatingSitesReviews.com found that most people (54%) consider how long you've been dating the most important factor in determining your relationship status. In other words, the longer you've been dating, the more you can consider yourself an item. The majority of respondents (26%) felt that if you were dating for more than two months, you were in an official relationship. Nineteen percent felt that dating one to two months granted you the right to call it an exclusive relationship. Only 9% felt that two to four weeks constituted some kind of commitment.

Another important factor besides how long you've been dating: saying those magical three words: "I love you." Nineteen percent of respondents felt that when you said these words to each other, your relationship was official.

One interesting finding was that people don't necessarily view sexual activity while dating as a casual thing. Fifteen percent of respondents felt that a relationship was official once they'd had sex. Nine percent felt a relationship turned serious when you went away on a trip together.

Surprisingly, a traditional gage like meeting your date's parents didn't really factor in to most people's opinion of when you become a couple. Only one percent felt that this was proof that your relationship was official.

And for those who date a bit more casually, only one percent felt that the defining mark of an "official relationship" was when you move in together. So, don't keep dating lots of people until you find someone you can share a bathroom with - most of the men or women you date will think you're an item well before that point.

Bottom line: most people felt that the length of time you've been dating is the gage by which to determine whether or not you're in a relationship. So if you've been dating someone for a while without discussing what you both want, then you might want to talk sooner rather than later.