Advice

I'm always telling my clients that at least one of their online dating profile photos should be of them engaged in their favorite pastimes. If you hike, you should include a picture of you hiking. If you swim, it's one of the best excuses to show yourself in a bathing suit. If you train dogs, upload a picture of you with your favorite pups.

A tweet I read from another online dating expert last week totally confirmed everything I say to my clients. But I'll tell you about it in a minute... here are some basic reasons why you should include activity pictures:

• Doing so makes you appear more human
• Posed shots can look unnatural and uncomfortable (not a good vibe!)
• You give people conversation starters that your profile text may not

Julie Spira, also known as the Cyber Dating Expert, tweeted the following testimonial to the power of the activity photo:

Cyberdating Tip: Ladies, if you play golf, add a photo to your online dating profile. My latest client has been on 4 golf dates this week

FOUR GOLF DATES IN A WEEK. How awesome is that? The photo of her golfing gave men an instant way to connect with her and a very low pressure, fun first date that is out in public (and in the fresh air).

This works for other activities as well! What are you going to be up to this Spring and Summer? Post photos of yourself doing these activities and an invitation at the end of your profile text. You'll be surprised at how many people will take you up on your offer!

A friend of mine, “Henry,” has been having trouble finding a lasting relationship. By all outward appearances, he's got it easier than some; he doesn't have too much trouble getting women to respond to his emails or invitations for dates. But when he goes on dates, or tries to have relationships with these women, they always go wrong.

“When you're in so many relationships and they always turn out badly,” he said to me, “you start figuring that the problem is me rather than all those women.”

Well, maybe. But maybe the problem isn't really him, or the women – it's the combination of him and the women. In short, I began to think that Henry's problem was that the women he was attracted to were not the women he was compatible with in the long run.

We began by talking about what Henry looked for when he perused online profiles. “Someone interesting,” he said promptly. “Someone who isn't a wallflower, someone who isn't clingy, someone independent. Someone fun.” Of course, the easiest way for Henry to decide who these people are is to find women who use those adjectives to describe themselves. And how did it turn out for Henry?

“Well, I always seem to wind up with the party girls,” he said. “It's great to have fun, I like to have fun too... but does she always have to be the life of the party? Does she always have to stay until closing? And when I said I wanted 'independent,' I meant someone who's not afraid to speak her mind, not someone who gets numbers from other guys right in front of me!”

We began to look at the profiles of some of the women he'd dated. Now, I could tell just by the pictures that these were wild women – and apparently, that's the sort of person Henry is inherently drawn to. Since wild wasn't really working for Henry, I directed his attention to another type of girl – one he found pretty, but previously had dismissed as “boring.” It wasn't easy, getting Henry to think outside the box – but once he did, he's discovering that finding the best match for him is more important and fulfilling than generic buzzwords and tight clothes.

That's not to say there's anything wrong with being wild; it simply wasn't for Henry, even though he thought it was. As you embark on your searches, consider: are you attracted to your best match, or might it be worth trying something outside the box?

A long time ago, in a world with few computers and very little Internet, people who had trouble meeting others might take out a personals ad. If someone answered the ad, they might meet up for a date, sight unseen. Even today, if someone were to meet randomly, in a grocery store or out at a bar, they might exchange phone numbers, which theoretically could lead to a date with a virtual stranger.

In the world of online dating, the etiquette is, surprisingly, a little different. For a medium that prides itself on cutting out the wasted time of hanging out at a bar or pursuing uninterested individuals, there's actually typically a little extra time spent emailing before a first meeting. Sure, there are people who still meet right away, though dating sites or using online personals, but in general, a first-contact email through an online dating site should not include an invitation out for drinks.

There are a few potential reasons for this difference. One could be that those who were initially drawn to online dating were early adapters of all things Internet, and they were some of the first for whom emailing became a part of daily life – and thus an acceptable substitute for in-person interaction.

Another possible reason could be that the etiquette of a few emails before a first date reflects society's wariness of online dating in general – we've developed a few extra safeguards to reassure ourselves. Or perhaps it's the wave of dating future – with so many people on this planet we feel we need to take our time before placing ourselves bodily anywhere, and email, texting and social sites have become the norm.

Whatever the reasons, it is true that finding a match online is slightly different than finding a date in the real world. So if you're sending out a first-contact email proposing a date and you're not sure why you're getting the cold shoulder, that could be your answer. Don't think of a first email as asking someone on a date; think of it as bumping into them and saying hi. Then, if things are going well after a few emails, you might consider meeting up. It might not be as fast as simply asking out a pretty face, but hopefully it has more potential for success.

We all know it's important to give specific examples of your interests when you're constructing your online profile. After all, how would your potential perfect match know that you love to play Scrabble unless you mention it, right? But there's a second reason to get specific that we don't really consider until we try to email others: not only do specific examples help others find you, they promote conversation in those key first emails.

Some people are masters at saying absolutely nothing concrete about themselves. They “love life”! They “work and play hard”! They are “loyal and independent”! They are looking for “someone who doesn't play games” (literally?)! Now try sending one of those people a first-contact email, where you should comment on something specific about their profile.

“So, I see you... love life. Um, I do too. Isn't... life great?” Contrast this with someone who says they love college basketball. Suddenly you can ask about different teams, who they rooted for in the Final Four, or if they like pro basketball as well. Even if you don't have basketball in common with them, you can talk about that; either way, it shows that you're not sending a copy-and-paste email and that you are interested in their thoughts.

Honestly, it is not that hard to give examples of your interests. You don't even have to get incredibly specific; instead of saying you like Scrabble, you could say you like board games (prompting someone to email you and ask if you like Scrabble or Clue). And you don't need to have a massive laundry list; just make sure you have three or four concrete interests somewhere in your profile.

As you construct your online profile (or check it over to see what needs editing), remember: you're trying to get potential matches interested in talking to you, yes. But you also need to give them something to talk to you about!

While I would like to believe that there are compatible people lurking around every corner, living down the street, just waiting to be discovered – I am forced to admit that occasionally, there's not. If you live in a small town, with a demographic skewed generations too high or low, it is entirely possible that you've met every potential match – especially if you've lived in said small town your entire life.

If you fit this scenario – or if you just feel like you, too, have met every local possibility – now is not the time to become defeatist. Using an online dating site presents a unique opportunity; you can widen your search to the entire country, or the entire world, if you like. Cross-country or international matches are no longer as rare as they used to be; I've even heard couples teasingly try to outdo each other (“You flew how many miles? Check this out!”).

If you've decided you're ready to “go big,” here are a few tips to consider:

First, check that the site you choose isn't one that's only popular in your city or region. A larger site might draw potential matches more evenly across the country. If you're interested in finding an international partner, make sure you use a site accessible to other countries.

If distance is no object, now might be the time to try out niche dating sites. Maybe you thought you'd never find another person who liked to collect Tinker-Toys... but trust me, there's probably a site geared specifically for Tinker-Toy collectors. If finding that match with that specific interest is a must, you could even try non-dating site options, like Tinker-Toy forums. If you're interested in dating a New Yorker, try looking for sites geared for people from New York.

Don't forget to keep checking your local options – you never know who might move in or sign up while you're looking elsewhere. Don't over-extend yourself with too many sites, though; a few sites or custom searches (one local, one worldwide) should suffice.

Remember that should a long-distance friendship become something more, one or both of you may have to move. Are you prepared to make that commitment? There's no harm in searching just for fun, or just to see what happens... but be aware that there's always the possibility that real life changes may occur. Then again, that's true for all relationships to some degree, isn't it? Happy hunting!

Most of the time I advise people who begin online dating to be wary of becoming addicted to the gambling aspect of it: the tendency to give up a good thing just because you're thinking something even better could still be out there, someone truly perfect. However, there's a trap to avoid at the other end of the spectrum as well: settling for the first decent person you find.

Everyone understands that the dating scene can be grim, and we've all heard the horror stories of online dating: the people that don't match their photographs, or manage to keep their completely offensive personalities out of their profiles. Thus, it can be something of a surprise when we finally meet someone who does match their pictures, who doesn't appear to have anything outwardly wrong with them, either in appearance or personality.

It's far easier to meet “nice people” through online dating than the horror stories would have us believe – and that's where the hard part begins. You see, there are many, many nice people out there. That doesn't mean you'll want to date or enter into a relationship with all of them – nor should you feel pressured to. There's still the all-important component of chemistry, and if you're lacking that, you're not only denying yourself, but your “nice person” partner a better match.

A friend of mine recently went on a first date with a guy she'd been talking to online. Everything about him seemed great: he had an interesting, exciting job, they had many things in common, he was pretty cute in his pictures. And when they met, he was still all of those things... but everything about the guy – the way he moved, spoke, his voice, his facial expressions – reminded my friend of her brother. It was uncanny. And when she ultimately decided the whole thing was just too weird, she faced a good deal of pressure from other friends and family. “Maybe he'll grow on you,” they said.

Yes, many relationships do develop over time, but if there's just no spark there – or worse, a visceral negative response – you're doing a disservice to the both of you in staying in a relationship you don't really want. Yes, maybe your date is a really nice person; in that case, they'll probably have no trouble finding someone else who recognizes their good qualities – and has chemistry with them to boot.