Advice

People like to compare finding someone through an online dating site to meeting someone in a bar. I suspect that's because meeting someone in a bar is the cliché “regular” way to do it, though I can't think of many people I've known who have actually met their significant other that way.

Usually when we compare the two we talk about gut first impressions vs. getting to know someone though email, and the related safety factors. However, there's one factor that's rarely discussed: if you're in a bar, chances are you're drinking alcohol, even just a little. And while you might check out profiles with a glass of wine, chances are you form most of your impressions and make most of your decisions online sober.

Let's think about how this might alter your experience.

The first, and most obvious, difference might be the old “drunk goggles” effect. Even if you're not totally smashed, you might respond a little more favorably toward someone who approaches you. That girl at the end of the bar might seem just a little more awesome. Now imagine you're at the bar or club with a group of friends; you're having a good time already. Everything seems better.

When you're totally sober, looking at your computer in the harsh light of day, you might be a little more critical. You might be a little more reserved. You might be skeptical of the whole online dating experience, and you're just waiting for someone incredibly attractive to prove you wrong.

If you think I've just described you, you need to liven up your online experience a little. Does that mean get smashed? Absolutely not!

You could make it more fun, though. If you have fun checking out potential dates in public with a friend, get a trusted friend over and have them scour profiles with you. While I advocate making your own decisions, sometimes a little peer pressure to email that interesting person can be a good thing.

Don't go looking through profiles when you're in a bad mood and sick of being single. Everyone will seem less attractive or more unattainable. Just as you want to make your best first impression, your potential matches would like to make their best first impression as well.

And remember, finding potential dates can be exciting and fun! Don't sap the life out of it.

In celebration of National Honesty Day (yes, it really exists), I'd like to discuss honesty when it comes to dating.

If you are an online dater, chances are you've come across dates who aren't so honest in their profiles. Some post old pictures, some lie about their age, relationship status, or even what they do for a living. In order to change some of the negative perceptions of online dating, I suggest everyone take a look at your profile to see where you might be less than honest. Here are some common problem areas to consider:

1. Your age

Just because you aren't 25 anymore doesn't mean that you aren't an appealing candidate for online daters. At one point, I fudged my age so I could get more matches, but this didn't help in getting quality matches. Besides, starting a relationship with a lie is never a good foundation for building trust, which I found out the hard way.

2. Your weight/ body type

The one complaint I hear over and over from guys is that women lie about their weight. Ladies, instead of trying to be a body type you're not, accentuate the positive (are you curvy? Mention this!). You will attract the kind of guys who will appreciate what you really look like.

3. Your height

Guys, this is the complaint I hear most from the ladies. Don't assume every girl wants a tall man. You make things worse when you meet each other for the first time and she sees that you're a 3 inches shorter than you claimed. Again, you will attract the women who will appreciate your appearance as it is.

4. Posting old photos

Ok, we all have run into this. How many dates have you been on where the person looks nothing like the photo he or she posted? If you don't have any good recent photos, it's time to ask a friend to take some for your profile. Even if you don't think you've changed much, your date might.

It's important to be as honest as possible on your online profile. If you are trying to get "better" matches and hoping you will prove yourself on the date, think again. People are turned off by dishonesty. Do yourself and your dates a favor, because in the end, they will respect you for who you are. Not who you are trying to be.

Most online dating sites have a profile section wherein you are expected to talk about what you're looking for in your ideal mate. While this section is certainly helpful, it's what I like to call the “danger” section – the section in which people get themselves in trouble. It's a section that can make or break a profile.

There are many things you can do to improve that section, and your profile as a whole, but here's the easiest, simplest tip that will make a difference: when talking about what you're looking for, don't talk about what you're not looking for. It's really as simple as that. Which sounds more appealing? “My dream guy would take in a Lakers game with me” or “I don't want to date a girl that plays games or is in it for my money”?

Similarly, while you don't want to give an endless laundry list of physical qualities you're looking for (your reader may feel like you're too picky), it can be easier to send the message you're intending if you stick to concrete interests, rather than vague qualities. When you're being vague, it can be easy to slip into negativity and backhanded statements. Consider this statement: “I want a guy that's loyal, even in the face of family and friends.” The baggage is silently typing itself. It's a lot harder to read something into “I'd love to meet a fellow Scrabble buff.”

Listing a few concrete interests also makes it easier for the reader to insert herself into the role of your “dream” match. It's easy to get dissuaded or confused when the most specific qualities you read are “a shining knight to sweep me off my feet” or “a best friend.” However, it's easy to say, “Hey, I like the Lakers too!” or “A Scrabble buff?! I am a Scrabble buff!” It's easier to get excited and positive, which then leads to a better first email.

As you construct and edit your online dating profile, cast a critical eye at the section for your perfect match. Are you sending the right messages?

As you begin your online search for your perfect match, you might have a certain physical type in mind. Most online dating sites are happy to help; they'll let you search for a specific body type, as well as define your own shape. Now, personally, I think body type is one of the last filters you should use, but if you must, here's something to remember: men and women seem to define themselves differently.

There are exceptions to every rule, of course, but in general, I've noticed women seem to be more self-critical. A slender woman who might weigh a few pounds more than she likes might call herself “a few extra pounds” or “average,” even though she looks just plain skinny to everyone else. One who is average, either for her height or within the national average, might call herself “fluffy” or “curvy.” And then there are the women who have genuine curves and describe themselves that way, but the men searching for them assume that “curvy” means “overweight.”

In contrast, I've seen several profiles in which a man calls himself “average” when, frankly, a better adjective might be “rotund” or “portly.” Men can be much more forgiving when describing themselves – even more generous than medical definitions.

So why the disconnect? Are men inherently more confident? Should we blame the impractical standards of the media? What should we take away from this?

Well, we should realize that the whole body type thing is entirely subjective, and how you view someone might be different from how they view themselves. So why filter based on body type at all? Why not base searches on common interests, or even make decisions based on whether you find them attractive?

At the very least, attempt to search a little outside your “box” - who knows what you might find?

A colleague of mine was recently on a first date with a girl who, to put it mildly, didn't really click with him. According to him, she said a lot of inappropriate things and he felt uncomfortable. So he excused himself to go to the restroom, exited the restaurant where they were dining and hopped the subway home.

I cringed when he said this. Now, we've all been on dates where we've wanted to escape as quickly as possible. But is high-tailing it to the exit and sticking your date with the bill really the right way to go, no matter how irritating they may be? There are other ways to end the date quickly and painlessly, without being rude and hurting the other person's feelings, or letting them wonder where you went. Following are a few tips:

1. Have a back-up plan. Mention at the beginning of a date that you have an early morning meeting or an appointment following your rendezvous. Making yourself less accessible due to work allows you to make an early exit peacefully.

2. Always plan a brief first date. Instead of dinner or late night drinks, plan a brief meeting over coffee either after work or on the weekend. If you end up liking your date, you can always continue, but a coffee date is the best way to keep things brief and polite.

3. Don't assume you will have a good first date. Even if you have the best phone conversations leading up to the date, or he comes highly recommended by a friend who set you up, do not assume you will click. Stick with #2 and plan a brief first date. If you like him, make plans during the date for the next time you will see each other.

4. Make your feelings clear. Instead of sneaking off when she's not looking, have the courageous conversation. Tell her kindly but directly that you don't think there is any chemistry. Any initial hurt feelings will be replaced with the needed consolation that she wasn't left wondering what happened.

It's no surprise that when you take the plunge and email someone from an online dating website, occasionally you get a response from someone utterly lacking tact, grace, or good sense. I recently heard about one email, however, that made my jaw drop.

A woman decided to email several men that caught her eye (always a good thing – more women need to do first-contact emailing, really). One of them apparently wasn't interested – but rather than letting the email go unanswered, or sending back a “thanks, but no thanks,” he said this: “I don't date cougars.” The woman was 38. The man was 34.

There are several things wrong with this picture. First, I'll address the most obvious: a four-year difference, regardless of gender, is not a cradle-robbing situation when both parties are over the age of twenty. Maybe the guy has a problem with dating someone older, period; that's his prerogative, but his personal hang-up doesn't make her an old lady. Also, I have a sneaking suspicion that if a 30-year-old woman emailed him, he wouldn't consider himself an old man.

Then there's the second problem: someone clearly forgot the Golden Rule where you treat others as you would like to be treated. Who wants a snide response from anyone, ever? Now, maybe women don't email first as often; maybe this man is not used to sending rejection emails. That's no excuse for forgetting basic good manners.

It's a sad probability that you will occasionally run into uncouth buffoons on the Internet, same as anywhere else. The important thing to remember is that those occasional bad apples should not dissuade you from meeting new people; they're the exception, not the norm. And, regardless of gender, when you compose your next rejection email, remember that we've all had them. Write one you'd like to receive.