Advice

Over the past few years, I’ve realized the extreme importance of having full disclosure with dates and partners. Each time I’ve been able to exercise this type of frankness with a new partner, I’ve discovered that the relationship is much more fulfilling and honest.

Everyone always wants to put their best foot forward on a date -- especially on those initial first dates. And in no way does having full disclosure conflict with that! You can be entirely charming and frank at the same time!

Such frankness is not always easy, either. There are times when you will know that the disclosure of certain information might mean that you’ve exercised a deal-breaker to your date.

For instance, for a while, I was involved in a steady relationship, but it was open and we had agreed that while we were still devoted to each other, we would also like to see other people and share our experiences with each other.

I was really nervous about this the first time I had a date during that relationship. I know that for certain people, the fact that I was already in a relationship might have disqualified me for any further dates. However, I also knew that the other person needed that information about me if he was going to be able to make an informed decision as to whether or not he would like to continue dating me and that withholding that information would be both unethical and cruel.

As soon as it came up, I told him about my boyfriend and our situation. Although he was a little shocked at first, he was actually really okay with it. He even asked me questions about it and wanted to know how it worked and how we had come to that decision, thus provoking a lively and thoughtful conversation on the topic of monogamy versus polyamory.

Furthermore, although this date worked out well and my partner was okay with my situation, I’m fully aware that not all people would have the same response. I’m sure that there are many people who would, in fact, be deeply uncomfortable with the idea, and I respect their stance. Nevertheless -- it is still their right to know.

The point is that full disclosure allows you and your partner to make accurate assessments about whether or not they would like to continue dating. By expressing your needs and desires openly and frankly in such a way, both parties will be able to make informed decisions -- some of which will be in your favor and some that won’t. By practicing full disclosure, you can save time and hearts by being honest and straightforward right away about what you want out of the situation -- and be more likely to get it.

The limitless access the Internet offers to a worldwide community makes online dating one of the most convenient, affordable, and effective ways to meet your match, but the anonymity of the Web also makes it a breeding ground for dishonesty.

It's surprisingly easy for even the most genuine person, when filling out an online dating profile, to allow him- or herself to be tempted by the lack of face-to-face contact to stray from the truth in order to increase success with other members.

Do your part to make the Internet a safer, more trustworthy place by avoiding the following common online dating lies:

In the world of online dating, we throw the word “chemistry” around a lot. You can get along fine on paper, we say, but if there's no chemistry in person, you're sunk. Well, this may be true, but occasionally I run across friends who have a slightly skewed idea of what “chemistry” actually is.

Some expect it to be like the movies; fireworks at first sight. If they don't get weak at the knees when they brush their date's hand, well, it must not be meant to be. I cannot tell you how many couples I've met who are in marriages or long-term relationships where one or both members of the couple doesn't even remember meeting their significant other for the first time. The earth did not move when they locked eyes for the first time, and bells did not ring when they first kissed. And they're perfectly happy today.

One woman I know is dating a man who seems perfect for her – he's kind, they have a lot in common, and there's nothing she can really say about him that is negative. Except, of course, that's she not really sure that they really have chemistry. She's not repulsed by any means, but it's not wild and exciting.

I questioned her a little more, and we've determined that the attraction is not really the problem. For one thing, she's typically dated “bad boys” in the past, so for her, “exciting” has often meant “dangerous,” and this guy is anything but. More importantly, she seems to be a little alarmed by the fact that there's no discernible problem with this guy – so since she can't find anything concrete to complain about, she goes for the nebulous “attraction” quality that isn't arguable.

After our conversation, my friend is feeling more confident in continuing to pursue her current relationship, to give it a fair shot. But she's not the only one who resists a good opportunity and hides behind chemistry, because she's scared or overly cautious. Next time you're on a date and you're lacking the fireworks, ask yourself why. And furthermore, ask yourself if you really need them on the first date.

When your online dating profile is written and an attention-grabbing profile picture is firmly in place, you're ready to start mixing and mingling with the site's other users.

An effective first message achieves three objectives:

1. It is opened.
2. It is read.
3. It is responded to.

Pretty simple, right?

Let's look at each point in more detail.

IT IS OPENED
Members of online dating sites can get hundreds of messages a day - particularly the women - so it's vital that yours stands out. You might have written an awesome profile and a killer message to go with it, but unless you give the recipient a good reason to check them out, he or she probably won't. So how do you convince people that you're worth a closer look? By devoting just as much time to writing a subject line as you do to writing everything else. If the header is funny, unique, or references something specific in the recipient's profile, the odds of the message being opened significantly increase.

IT IS READ
A good message is about a paragraph long. A message that's too short says that you're uninterested, lazy, and probably sending the same formulaic note to everyone. A message that's too long, however, comes off as desperate, not to mention that if you say everything you have to say in the first message, you have nothing left to talk about!

Many of the things you've learned about writing a successful profile can be applied to message writing as well: eliminate any spelling and grammar errors, be intelligent and witty wherever you can, and use the "show, don't tell" rule to illustrate your personality and positive attributes.

Don't waste your time with physical flattery. You might be able to get away with one or two small compliments, but spend most of your time focusing on more interesting things that you admire about the person. Mention specific aspects of their profile that caught your eye, using phrases like "I noticed that..." and "You mention..." that indicate that you actually took the time to read through their profile, and highlight common interests and other similarities.

IT IS RESPONDED TO
Just like you need to give someone a reason to open your message, you need to give them a reason to respond to it. Ask thoughtful questions in your message - they indicate that you are genuinely interested in getting to know the person you've sent it to, and they give the person something to write about in their reply. Your messages should always end with a call to action, like "You mentioned that a trip to Thailand changed your life - drop me a line and tell me the story!"

The last bit of advice I want to give you is this: do NOT think that clicking a button that says "Wink" or "Flirt" counts as first contact with someone you're interested in. It takes no thought or effort, and anyone receiving something like this knows that the sender does not take things seriously.

The amount of information available on the Internet about choosing an effective picture for an online dating profile is enough to make anyone's brain go into Stage 5 Meltdown Mode.

You could spend hours reading about MySpace angles, the pros and cons of showing skin, and the success rate of pics with puppies, or you could simply continue reading this, a brief guide to picking the perfect profile photo that will have you ready to start exploring your online love life in just a few minutes. The choice is yours.

Have you made a decision?

Good. Let's get right to the juicy facts and fictions surrounding the profile photo.

The biggest myth about profile pictures is that you don't need one. Yes, we all want to be loved for our dazzling intellects, deep souls, and one-of-a-kind personalities, but it's a fact that profiles without pictures get significantly fewer views than those with them.

"Fine!" you say, sulking like a petulant teenager. "I'll upload a photo. But I'm doing it because I want to, not because you tell me to. Now how do I choose the right one?"

Excellent question.

When it comes to the profile picture, context is key. Instead of weighing your profile down with bland statements like "I love to cook," "I'm in a band," and "I'm a total yoga fanatic," use your pictures to illustrate your interests and your most attractive qualities. Replace "I'm an animal lover" with a picture of that time you went horseback riding in the Grand Canyon. Trade "Soccer is my favorite sport" for a photo of you scoring the winning goal at last weekend's match. "I love to travel" is much less interesting than a shot of you at the top of Mount Everest!

Ok, so that last example might have been a little extreme, but you get the idea...

A picture of you doing something interesting offers other members an easy way to start chatting with you, and studies have shown that messages based off of photos like these lead to the most meaningful conversations.

The next myth might surprise you.

You should never upload a profile photo taken with a mobile phone or webcam, right?

According to research from OkCupid.com, that's actually fiction. The site conducted a study of 7,000 photos uploaded by its members and found that, contrary to popular belief, profiles featuring pictures taken with cell phones and webcams received a high volume of messages. The study also revealed that women received the most responses when they flirted directly with the camera and smiled with their lips closed, while men got the most responses when they posted pictures with animals, ab shots (if their abs were worth showing off, that is!), and photos in which they were looking away from the camera.

If you're still having trouble deciding which pictures to use, consider posting a few options on a site like HotOrNot.com or asking a few of your closest friends. You'll be surprised at how widely opinions can vary, even when the photos are all of the same person, and there's a good chance that the picture other people like best isn't the one you would have guessed.

When creating an online dating profile, many first-timers run into The Big Problem. Call it writer's block, call it shyness or modesty; essentially, we all reach a point where we say: “But I don't know how to sell myself, and I don't know if I even want to!”

It's interesting; in a rather narcissistic society, we're perfectly comfortable charting our most mundane move on the Internet, but when it comes to speaking confidently about ourselves we tend to clam up.

We absolutely can't, though. Imagine you're at work. Will you ever get a promotion if you hide in the background? We'd like to think that we're special enough that we shine through without even trying, but frankly, there's a lot of people in the world, and your boss is only human. Thus, if you don't speak up for your own performance, no one else will.

So it is when it comes to dating. It would be great if that guy could just look at you and know that you're attending grad school, or that girl could see into your soul and know that you make great cinnamon buns. Alas, our telepathic skills are minimal at best, so you're going to have to go with more old-fashioned ways of communication.

Online dating makes it a little easier. Rather than trying to subtly slip in your skills or intelligence or talents in a first conversation, you can lay it all out there in the profile. They'll know from the very beginning that they're talking to someone working on a marathon or cold fusion.

“But why do I need their approval?” you ask. “I feel like a piece of meat! I feel like I'm assigning value to my achievements – to my very self!”

Well, maybe. It might be a callous way to think about it. But consider – why do you think Person X should date you, instead of the profile right before or after yours? On some level, you do think you have something to offer, that you're better than the others out there. There's nothing wrong with that – self-confidence is good. But you have to swallow your pride and let people know what a great person you are!

When you're writing your profile, or even meeting something in person, remember: they won't be able to see your personality unless you show it to them. Maybe it's awkward, maybe you're not used to selling yourself. But if you don't, who will?