Advice

The limitless access the Internet offers to a worldwide community makes online dating one of the most convenient, affordable, and effective ways to meet your match, but the anonymity of the Web also makes it a breeding ground for dishonesty.

It's surprisingly easy for even the most genuine person, when filling out an online dating profile, to allow him- or herself to be tempted by the lack of face-to-face contact to stray from the truth in order to increase success with other members.

Do your part to make the Internet a safer, more trustworthy place by avoiding the following common online dating lies:

In the world of online dating, we throw the word “chemistry” around a lot. You can get along fine on paper, we say, but if there's no chemistry in person, you're sunk. Well, this may be true, but occasionally I run across friends who have a slightly skewed idea of what “chemistry” actually is.

Some expect it to be like the movies; fireworks at first sight. If they don't get weak at the knees when they brush their date's hand, well, it must not be meant to be. I cannot tell you how many couples I've met who are in marriages or long-term relationships where one or both members of the couple doesn't even remember meeting their significant other for the first time. The earth did not move when they locked eyes for the first time, and bells did not ring when they first kissed. And they're perfectly happy today.

One woman I know is dating a man who seems perfect for her – he's kind, they have a lot in common, and there's nothing she can really say about him that is negative. Except, of course, that's she not really sure that they really have chemistry. She's not repulsed by any means, but it's not wild and exciting.

I questioned her a little more, and we've determined that the attraction is not really the problem. For one thing, she's typically dated “bad boys” in the past, so for her, “exciting” has often meant “dangerous,” and this guy is anything but. More importantly, she seems to be a little alarmed by the fact that there's no discernible problem with this guy – so since she can't find anything concrete to complain about, she goes for the nebulous “attraction” quality that isn't arguable.

After our conversation, my friend is feeling more confident in continuing to pursue her current relationship, to give it a fair shot. But she's not the only one who resists a good opportunity and hides behind chemistry, because she's scared or overly cautious. Next time you're on a date and you're lacking the fireworks, ask yourself why. And furthermore, ask yourself if you really need them on the first date.

When your online dating profile is written and an attention-grabbing profile picture is firmly in place, you're ready to start mixing and mingling with the site's other users.

An effective first message achieves three objectives:

1. It is opened.
2. It is read.
3. It is responded to.

Pretty simple, right?

Let's look at each point in more detail.

IT IS OPENED
Members of online dating sites can get hundreds of messages a day - particularly the women - so it's vital that yours stands out. You might have written an awesome profile and a killer message to go with it, but unless you give the recipient a good reason to check them out, he or she probably won't. So how do you convince people that you're worth a closer look? By devoting just as much time to writing a subject line as you do to writing everything else. If the header is funny, unique, or references something specific in the recipient's profile, the odds of the message being opened significantly increase.

IT IS READ
A good message is about a paragraph long. A message that's too short says that you're uninterested, lazy, and probably sending the same formulaic note to everyone. A message that's too long, however, comes off as desperate, not to mention that if you say everything you have to say in the first message, you have nothing left to talk about!

Many of the things you've learned about writing a successful profile can be applied to message writing as well: eliminate any spelling and grammar errors, be intelligent and witty wherever you can, and use the "show, don't tell" rule to illustrate your personality and positive attributes.

Don't waste your time with physical flattery. You might be able to get away with one or two small compliments, but spend most of your time focusing on more interesting things that you admire about the person. Mention specific aspects of their profile that caught your eye, using phrases like "I noticed that..." and "You mention..." that indicate that you actually took the time to read through their profile, and highlight common interests and other similarities.

IT IS RESPONDED TO
Just like you need to give someone a reason to open your message, you need to give them a reason to respond to it. Ask thoughtful questions in your message - they indicate that you are genuinely interested in getting to know the person you've sent it to, and they give the person something to write about in their reply. Your messages should always end with a call to action, like "You mentioned that a trip to Thailand changed your life - drop me a line and tell me the story!"

The last bit of advice I want to give you is this: do NOT think that clicking a button that says "Wink" or "Flirt" counts as first contact with someone you're interested in. It takes no thought or effort, and anyone receiving something like this knows that the sender does not take things seriously.

The amount of information available on the Internet about choosing an effective picture for an online dating profile is enough to make anyone's brain go into Stage 5 Meltdown Mode.

You could spend hours reading about MySpace angles, the pros and cons of showing skin, and the success rate of pics with puppies, or you could simply continue reading this, a brief guide to picking the perfect profile photo that will have you ready to start exploring your online love life in just a few minutes. The choice is yours.

Have you made a decision?

Good. Let's get right to the juicy facts and fictions surrounding the profile photo.

The biggest myth about profile pictures is that you don't need one. Yes, we all want to be loved for our dazzling intellects, deep souls, and one-of-a-kind personalities, but it's a fact that profiles without pictures get significantly fewer views than those with them.

"Fine!" you say, sulking like a petulant teenager. "I'll upload a photo. But I'm doing it because I want to, not because you tell me to. Now how do I choose the right one?"

Excellent question.

When it comes to the profile picture, context is key. Instead of weighing your profile down with bland statements like "I love to cook," "I'm in a band," and "I'm a total yoga fanatic," use your pictures to illustrate your interests and your most attractive qualities. Replace "I'm an animal lover" with a picture of that time you went horseback riding in the Grand Canyon. Trade "Soccer is my favorite sport" for a photo of you scoring the winning goal at last weekend's match. "I love to travel" is much less interesting than a shot of you at the top of Mount Everest!

Ok, so that last example might have been a little extreme, but you get the idea...

A picture of you doing something interesting offers other members an easy way to start chatting with you, and studies have shown that messages based off of photos like these lead to the most meaningful conversations.

The next myth might surprise you.

You should never upload a profile photo taken with a mobile phone or webcam, right?

According to research from OkCupid.com, that's actually fiction. The site conducted a study of 7,000 photos uploaded by its members and found that, contrary to popular belief, profiles featuring pictures taken with cell phones and webcams received a high volume of messages. The study also revealed that women received the most responses when they flirted directly with the camera and smiled with their lips closed, while men got the most responses when they posted pictures with animals, ab shots (if their abs were worth showing off, that is!), and photos in which they were looking away from the camera.

If you're still having trouble deciding which pictures to use, consider posting a few options on a site like HotOrNot.com or asking a few of your closest friends. You'll be surprised at how widely opinions can vary, even when the photos are all of the same person, and there's a good chance that the picture other people like best isn't the one you would have guessed.

When creating an online dating profile, many first-timers run into The Big Problem. Call it writer's block, call it shyness or modesty; essentially, we all reach a point where we say: “But I don't know how to sell myself, and I don't know if I even want to!”

It's interesting; in a rather narcissistic society, we're perfectly comfortable charting our most mundane move on the Internet, but when it comes to speaking confidently about ourselves we tend to clam up.

We absolutely can't, though. Imagine you're at work. Will you ever get a promotion if you hide in the background? We'd like to think that we're special enough that we shine through without even trying, but frankly, there's a lot of people in the world, and your boss is only human. Thus, if you don't speak up for your own performance, no one else will.

So it is when it comes to dating. It would be great if that guy could just look at you and know that you're attending grad school, or that girl could see into your soul and know that you make great cinnamon buns. Alas, our telepathic skills are minimal at best, so you're going to have to go with more old-fashioned ways of communication.

Online dating makes it a little easier. Rather than trying to subtly slip in your skills or intelligence or talents in a first conversation, you can lay it all out there in the profile. They'll know from the very beginning that they're talking to someone working on a marathon or cold fusion.

“But why do I need their approval?” you ask. “I feel like a piece of meat! I feel like I'm assigning value to my achievements – to my very self!”

Well, maybe. It might be a callous way to think about it. But consider – why do you think Person X should date you, instead of the profile right before or after yours? On some level, you do think you have something to offer, that you're better than the others out there. There's nothing wrong with that – self-confidence is good. But you have to swallow your pride and let people know what a great person you are!

When you're writing your profile, or even meeting something in person, remember: they won't be able to see your personality unless you show it to them. Maybe it's awkward, maybe you're not used to selling yourself. But if you don't, who will?

Let's get straight down to business. If you found your way here from "Profile Writing: The Do's," you have some ideas about what you should be doing in order to craft an effective online dating profile (and if you didn't, take a moment to read that article as soon as you're done with this one!).

It's time now to talk about everything you don't want to do when creating a profile:

• Don't succumb to clichés. If you want to meet that special someone over the Internet, your profile has to stand out from millions of others. Filling it with quotes like "I'm one of the funniest people you'll ever meet" or "I like to have fun and take long walks on the beach" is not the way to accomplish that.
• Don't lie. It can be incredibly tempting to stretch the truth when filling out a dating profile, but what seems like a little white lie in text usually feels like a massive untruth when you meet a date in person. I'll be talking more about lies in dating profiles in a future article, so stay tuned!
• Don't state the obvious. You might love traveling, but saying "I love to travel" is not going to get you very far in the world of online dating. Think about it: almost everyone likes to travel, so mentioning it as an interest doesn't set you apart from the site's other members at all. Sharing the story of one of your favorite travel memories, however, does. Remember what you were taught in your elementary school writing classes:show, don't tell.
• Don't talk about past relationships. Other members will not be interested in exploring their potential future with you if you seem like you're stuck in the past. There are appropriate times to discuss former partners and other baggage in new relationships, but your online dating profile definitely isn't one of them.
• Don't write a novel. An online dating profile is supposed to be a glimpse into who you are that will make your readers want to know more about you. If you include every detail about your life, there will be nothing more to know, and no incentive for other members to contact you.
• Don't be too specific. I know I told you that knowing what you want and writing a targeted profile are do's, but hear me out: if you write that you're only interested in meeting people with red hair and green eyes, who live in Texas and are over 5'10", and who know how to make sushi and salsa dance, you're going to miss out on a lot of awesome potential matches. Why put unnecessary limitations on finding love?

The last thing I'd like you to remember about profile writing is this: your profile is always a work in progress. Don't be afraid to edit, update, and revamp it as often as you need to. You are a constantly evolving creature, so make sure that your profile continues to reflect who you are by allowing it to evolve with you.