First Contact: How To Write A Message That Stands Out From The Crowd

When your online dating profile is written and an attention-grabbing profile picture is firmly in place, you're ready to start mixing and mingling with the site's other users.

An effective first message achieves three objectives:

1. It is opened.
2. It is read.
3. It is responded to.

Pretty simple, right?

Let's look at each point in more detail.

IT IS OPENED
Members of online dating sites can get hundreds of messages a day - particularly the women - so it's vital that yours stands out. You might have written an awesome profile and a killer message to go with it, but unless you give the recipient a good reason to check them out, he or she probably won't. So how do you convince people that you're worth a closer look? By devoting just as much time to writing a subject line as you do to writing everything else. If the header is funny, unique, or references something specific in the recipient's profile, the odds of the message being opened significantly increase.

IT IS READ
A good message is about a paragraph long. A message that's too short says that you're uninterested, lazy, and probably sending the same formulaic note to everyone. A message that's too long, however, comes off as desperate, not to mention that if you say everything you have to say in the first message, you have nothing left to talk about!

Many of the things you've learned about writing a successful profile can be applied to message writing as well: eliminate any spelling and grammar errors, be intelligent and witty wherever you can, and use the "show, don't tell" rule to illustrate your personality and positive attributes.

Don't waste your time with physical flattery. You might be able to get away with one or two small compliments, but spend most of your time focusing on more interesting things that you admire about the person. Mention specific aspects of their profile that caught your eye, using phrases like "I noticed that..." and "You mention..." that indicate that you actually took the time to read through their profile, and highlight common interests and other similarities.

IT IS RESPONDED TO
Just like you need to give someone a reason to open your message, you need to give them a reason to respond to it. Ask thoughtful questions in your message - they indicate that you are genuinely interested in getting to know the person you've sent it to, and they give the person something to write about in their reply. Your messages should always end with a call to action, like "You mentioned that a trip to Thailand changed your life - drop me a line and tell me the story!"

The last bit of advice I want to give you is this: do NOT think that clicking a button that says "Wink" or "Flirt" counts as first contact with someone you're interested in. It takes no thought or effort, and anyone receiving something like this knows that the sender does not take things seriously.