Advice

Today, we think differently about online dating than we used to. Ocassionally you'll run into people who still have antiquated ideas about some shady person who doesn't look at all like their picture, but on the whole, that's changing, and many people know it. But when we contemplate the social life of the Internet, it's not really that much of a surprise.

Think back, to the last time flannel was in: the early 1990's. The Internet was really beginning to take off, an unexplored frontier, and for many, the appeal socially was that you were totally anonymous. You were expected to provide your own age, physical description and gender to strangers who couldn't confirm or deny. If you struck up a friendship, it was totally based on the words and online actions of your persona.

Some of these friendships carried over into real-life relationships, with mixed results. For one thing, in person there does have to be some level of chemistry; sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. For another, the level of anonymity actually inspired others to behave differently than they would when they met their friends in person. In essence, it's hard to fall in love in real life with someone based entirely on “their personality” when even their personality is different in person. For some, starting out anonymous might have worked, but it ultimately created many additional problems.

Now flash forward nearly 20 years, to the present. People often have tons of real-life, accurate information about themselves all over the Internet. There's Facebook, where people can tag you in less-than-flattering photos; Twitter, where you can check in from real-world locations; some forums are even contemplating switching from aliases to real first and last names. Since we're so accustomed to having so much information already out there, it's not as big of a deal to continue the honesty as we're constructing dating profiles. Some people even get lazy and copy their profile information over from other social networking sites (with mixed results; you do want to make a nice first impression in a dating profile, after all).

Every situation has pros and cons; it's great that you now have a better chance of getting what you see from an online dating profile, but what are the cons? Well, with all this information out there, we have to still think of our safety. Just as you wouldn't tell a random stranger on the subway where you work and which Starbucks you head to alone every evening, you might not want to add someone you've just met on a dating site to your Facebook, where they could get than information and more.

Still, I feel the online dating world is a brighter, happier place today and getting better all the time. So next time someone questions you about joining a dating site, you can tell them to get with the times – the frontier is becoming settled.

Imagine that somehow, a clone was created of you. This clone is your same exact age, and it has memory of all the same experiences you have had. And, naturally, the clone has all of the same likes and dislikes and opinions you have too. What might a conversation about you and your clone sound like?

“Don't you love this movie?”
“Yeah, I totally love that movie, especially part X.”
“Yeah, part X is great.”
(Silence.)

It might be fun to do nothing but agree at first, but it gets old really quickly. Whether we like to admit it or not, human beings thrive on conflict. That's why our movies and novels aren't about people sitting around talking about how great their lives are. Some might ultimately want a happy ending, but everyone wants to be thrilled along the way. And that means conflict.

Why, then, when we're searching on an online dating site, would we only contact those people who seem to be as close to clones as we can manage?

It's completely understandable that we would want to meet someone with whom we have some things in common; it might help to get conversations started. But I recently met someone who was an art major, and he told me he would mentally dismiss potential dates immediately if they weren't familiar with some obscure artists. Yes, that's right: he expected his dates to be so knowledgeable in art that they could potentially have a degree in it. His reasoning? “Well, a guy's got to have his standards.”

Here's a thought: if his date seemed interested in art, why couldn't he teach her a bit about it? Why should she have to arrive a ready-made clone? And here's an even more novel thought: what could he learn from her?

When you're trying to find a romantic match, you're also trying to find a friend. Romantic chemistry is good, but friends also need to be able to have conversations. It's just as easy to talk about what you don't have in common as what you do (provided the topics aren't the kind that raise blood pressure, and maybe even that's not so bad in moderation).

The next time you peruse online profiles or prepare to go on your first date, keep an open mind. Who knows what you might learn, or discuss? Do you want a clone, or a conversation?

Whether you're looking for love in a committed partnership, low-key companionship, or just a more active social life, online dating is worth exploring at any age. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that the Internet is only the province of the young - older people are using the Internet with increasing frequency to find partners of all kinds. In fact, according to Mark Lasky, author of "Online Dating for Dummies," "Seniors are the fastest growing area of online dating."

If you're not part of the social networking set, sharing so much private personal information with strangers online probably feels strange and intimidating, but don't let anxiety get in the way of having a happy love life. The Internet, in the grand scheme of things, hasn't been around very long, and online dating has been around for an even shorter period of time. Consider the fact that online dating has only recently lost its stigma, and you'll find that using the World Wide Web to meet matches is a relatively new phenomenon for everyone, no matter how young and technologically in-tune they may be.

If you're worried that you cannot compete with the expertise of the tech-savvy youth, think again. You have a host of advantages that they do not, like:

• You are significantly more self-aware than people in their 20s and 30s. You have a clearer picture of your wants, needs, desires, values, and future plans, which will allow you to create a profile that reflects who you truly are and attracts the kind of people you are truly interested in.

• You understand exactly what you want and need in a partner. It takes a long time to figure out precisely what you require in order to feel happy and satisfied in a relationship. Just as age gives you a better understanding of yourself, maturing provides insight into the kind of person you want to spend your life with. While younger people are squandering their time in relationships that are doomed to failure, you can weed out defective dates quickly.

• You have developed strong people skills. You understand how to read people and are able to make judgments about whether or not they are compatible with you more easily, meaning that you will waste less time courting unsuitable matches and will be able to devote more of your time and energy to the people you really connect with.

If you're not already convinced that online dating is worth investigating, mull over the following facts:

• The number of people using online dating actually increases with age.

• Older singles focus on deep compatibility and important qualities like intelligence and personality, whereas many younger singles are more concerned with superficial things like physical appearance.

• Research has shown that older singles have more success finding partners via the Internet than younger singles do.

All evidence points to one compelling conclusion: online dating is definitely not just a young person's game. So what are you waiting for? Companionship could be just a click away!

“Steve” has been frustrated with his online dating experience lately. When he first began and constructed his profile late one night, he didn't get very many responses. In fact, he didn't really get any. Then he learned a few tips to make his profile better, and voila! He began to get responses to his emails; in fact, he even went on a few dates.

It seemed like he had a “hot streak” going for a couple of months, but now it's been a couple more months and he hasn't had very many responses. He feels like he's moving backwards. What could be going wrong?

There are several potential answers to Steve's problem; maybe he hasn't actually updated his profile in months and people get turned off when they read that he can't wait for the snow season to end when it's July. Maybe he's gotten a little lazy and has started sending copy and pasted emails, which are as obvious as a form rejection letter.

However, let's assume that Steve isn't doing anything wrong, that his profile is just as fresh and witty as the day he began to get all those responses. What's happened?

In short, nothing. There might simply be fewer women on the online dating site at the moment who response to Steve's type. He might have better success at a different website, or on the same website in one month. Or tomorrow.

That's what's frustrating about online dating and dating in general: you can't always guarantee that there's a compatible person out there in the dating pool right this second, looking for someone just like you. Maybe right now the dating pool you've chosen is full of incompatible people. Maybe tomorrow that will change – or not. It's difficult when you want instant validation for your hard work, but you also have to depend, in no small part, on chance.

So what should Steve do? Well, as I mentioned before, maybe a change of venue is in order. Maybe he could try a different site, or take a break from actively emailing if he's really frustrated. However, Steve's already got the hardest part down – he's got a profile that will hopefully serve him well should the right woman come along. She might not come along today or tomorrow – but in the event that she does, he's prepared. And when you're dealing with chance, really, that's all any of us can do.

When we break up with someone, we separate ourselves physically, emotionally and mentally. For some, it's harder to move on than others. Healing after a break-up is hard work, and though some of us prefer never to see our exes again, others continue to wonder if there might be another chance in the future to make things work.

So, what happens if you get a second chance with a former beau?

Before you jump in head first, anxious to rekindle that old flame, you should ask yourself a few questions:

• How have you changed? Break-ups generally force you to grow in ways you didn't expect. You have a better sense of who you are and what you want from life. Instead of reverting back to old romantic patterns, take a hard look at who you are now, and whether the new you would be compatible with your old flame.

• How has he changed? Maybe he wasn't the best communicator, or perhaps he was a bit selfish. Think about why you broke up with him the first time around, and see if he is still exhibiting the same patterns. If you don't see a change in behavior, chances are you'll end up having the same conflicts.

• Recognize your own behavior patterns. Even if you feel like a new woman in the presence of your ex, do you find yourself falling into old habits? Maybe you were hesitant to express what you needed from him, or maybe you had a tendency to get jealous. If you find yourself triggered by these emotions again and falling into old patterns, reconsider getting back together.

• Why did you break up in the first place? If you couldn't compromise on your religious viewpoints, or if you broke up because you noticed disrespectful behavior or something more serious, you shouldn't assume he has changed. There was a reason you broke up before. If these differences still exist, it's probably not a good idea to engage again in a relationship.

• Do you have a future together? Even if you have amazing chemistry with a man, it doesn't mean he's right for you. It's important to discuss your goals and future early on, to make sure you're on the same page.

We're back with the next 5 commandments of online dating! Online dating has resulted in millions of successful relationships, but oftentimes searching for love online can seem as difficult as trying to read a 900-page novel in a language you don't understand. I can't teach you how to read the collected works of Dostoyevsky in the original dialect, but I can offer a few common-sense tips and stress-reducing guidelines for finding and forming successful relationships online. Let's jump right back in...

Commandment #6: Thou Shalt Treat Everyone With Respect

The Golden Rule applies to life online as well as offline: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. It can be easy to forget that there are real people behind anonymous usernames and profile text, so make a conscious effort to treat everyone as kindly and respectfully as you would if you'd met in person. Handle rejection politely if someone is not interested in you, and do not simply cut off communication and fall off the face of the Earth if you're not interested in someone else. Be friendly, forthcoming, and honest about your wants, needs, and interests.

Commandment #7: Thou Shalt Show Sincere Appreciation For Others

One of the biggest mistakes online daters make is sending standard, one-size-fits-all messages to potential partners. You might think that your stock message says "Hey there! I saw your profile and I would love to know more about you," but what it really says is "I'm lazy and not actually very interested in getting to know you." Avoid falling into this trap by sending messages that reference specific, unique aspects of the recipient's profile, giving compliments that are not cheesy or clichéd, and asking questions that you are genuinely interested in hearing the answers to.

Commandment #8: Thou Shalt Maintain A Positive Attitude

There is absolutely nothing attractive about negativity. In fact, it's one of the biggest turn-offs out there! Don't write that you only joined a dating site because your friends harassed you. Don't write that your last girlfriend or boyfriend broke your heart and you're still depressed over the dissolution of the relationship. Don't write that you feel lonely and pathetic because you've been single for too long. Instead, attract the attention of other members by showing that you're upbeat, joyful, funny, and fun-loving.

Commandment #9: Thou Shalt Not Be Vulgar, Coarse, Or Offensive

This commandment is mostly for the men, but I know that ladies can sometimes be guilty of breaking it as well! Foul language and aggressive sexuality do not belong on online dating sites, unless the site is specifically intended for adult personals and finding no-strings-attached hookups. If you're seeking a serious, long-term relationship, sexually suggestive profiles and messages are almost always extremely ineffective.

Commandment #10: Thou Shalt Be Realistic

The world of online dating is not a mystical, magical, fairytale kingdom. Not every person you contact will be interested in you. Not every person you meet will be honest and trustworthy (and some won't even be real!). Not every communication will lead to an offline date. Not every relationship you begin will work out. Be rational and sensible and have realistic expectations, but be confident, optimistic, and open-minded, too. You just might find your "happily ever after" after all.