Communication

Most guys assume they can upload a few photos to Tinder and they are ready for online dating. But in reality, after several messages go unanswered and matches disappear, they are often left wondering – what did I do wrong?

The truth is, online dating is a lot more complex than swiping left and right and hoping it leads to some real-life interaction. Think of it this way: when you approach an attractive woman in person, do you get results if you just tell her you think she’s pretty? Most of the time, a lot more effort is required. Women are told they are attractive by guys all the time – so you have to stand out from the crowd.

When you’re online dating, it’s the same. Women are inundated with matches and messages – much more so that the average guy. Most women like it when a man pursues and takes charge, rather than leaving her to do all the heavy lifting. So if you want to improve your online dating game, the first thing to do is put in a lot more effort. The following are 5 tips for online dating:

State what you are looking for.

Most women don’t want to date a guy who is vague or ambiguous about what he’s after. If you say “I’m up for anything” or “let’s see where things go” you’ve already lost her vote. Why should she reach out to you when you aren’t sure what you want? Women don’t want to be kept guessing, they want to know who you are and what you want – whether it’s a hook-up or a relationship - so tell them.

Share what makes you happy.

If you can describe what you love via a photo, then use it. People are visual creatures and you will capture more attention if you show what you love to do – surfing, playing guitar, whatever. Also, instead of saying you like movies, talk about the last movie you saw and what you liked about it. The details are important, so you don’t sound generic.

Watch your words.

When you message a woman, keep in mind that “ur hot” has been used before. A lot. Don’t speak in text, speak in sentences, and make it interesting. Talk about something you saw in her profile, or ask her what she did the day before to keep her engaged.

Make the plans.

There’s nothing hotter than a guy who takes charge and acts like a grown-up. Ask her out. Tell her where to meet you. Do a little research in advance, and show up on time.

Leave out the negatives.

She doesn’t want to hear about your ex girlfriend, the women you’ve dated who didn’t work out, or any other past romance. Keep it focused on the present, and on the possibility with someone new. The past is in the past – leave it there.

I have to admit, when I was single and dating, it was much less stressful to go on a bad date rather than have a good date with a guy who had potential. The reason? I didn’t trust myself enough to think that I knew what I was doing; that I could somehow convince him to like me enough to stay.

It sounds needy when I write about it, but when you have been on several dates with someone and really feel the relationship could be going somewhere, it’s terrifying. Should you just be yourself, and run the risk of scaring him off? Or do you consider everything he could possibily be thinking (and therefore drive yourself nuts trying to change)? Or should you play it cool, and avoid showing him you really care because you might not be on the same page (and that would just be too embarrassing)?

Here is the assumption: dating is a bit of a dance. In the beginning, we are always up for trying new things (Star Wars marathon, scuba diving, or playing baseball – sure why not??). We do feel more adventurous when we are sexually excited by our date. We want him to know we are fun, cool, exciting and mysterious – all those things The Rules taught us - lurking in the backs of our minds.

The truth is, your true selves will emerge sooner or later, so it’s time to get comfortable with the fact that no matter what, you will make mistakes. But here's the good part: you can’t really "mess things up." If he’s truly the one, you will know that he is interested. You won’t have to try so hard to get him to like you. There won’t be mixed messages. He will go out of his way to let you know he's interested - despite your embarrassing moments.

The thing about guys is – when they want a woman, they pursue her. Even the ones who claim to be commitment-phobes. If you are afraid you will come across as goofy, nerdy, not attractive enough, or somehow unlovable when your guy is really interested in you – stop. If he is the right one for you, he won’t care about that time you spilled ice cream down the front of his shirt, or drank a little too much, or kept going on and on about your work conference. He will be much more interested in you, not your quirks or mistakes. In fact, he probably finds them endearing.

Most importantly, you won’t be chasing him, or wondering what he thinks, or second-guessing yourself at every turn. So instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop, it’s time to just enjoy dating him.

Have you been on a date where you felt incredible chemistry and got excited about the relationship’s potential, and then after a few more dates, for some reason it just fizzled out? Maybe you were left disillusioned. You wondered what happened to that initial spark that fueled the first date? Does it just go away? Was it really there in the first place?

The problem with relying on chemistry to tell us whether or not we should pursue a relationship is that it leaves us feeling confused, heartbroken and often disappointed. Chemistry is a heady feeling, but it’s not indicative of anything but that particular moment. Chemistry can be fleeting, and it can be misguided. We’re often drawn to people who aren’t really right for us, but we pursue them because of chemistry, most of the time falling for them before we even get to know them.

But why can’t we trust chemistry? While you might want to feel that confirmation of attraction for someone else, the truth is – chemistry is dodgy. You don’t really know who the person is after one date, or even a few. You are really taking that feeling of chemistry and applying a fantasy to it – and to your date. This is a recipe for disaster if you don’t take your time and really get to know him.

But why wait? You didn’t imagine that the chemistry was there – you actually felt it. And he seemed to as well. Shouldn’t you just go along for the ride?

Chemistry is very attractive, and if you want to go for it, you can. But dive in with your eyes wide open. Chemistry doesn’t mean lasting relationship – and I think this is where women get their hearts broken, because they are already imagining a future.

How many times has a relationship that started with such chemistry fizzled? Probably more often than you want to consider. I’m not knocking chemistry. The truth is, the chemistry might have been there, but for any number of reasons, he’s just not interested in pursuing a relationship. It might have to do with his own issues, or a former girlfriend coming into the picture, or he might not feel the same connection that you do.

The main point is – look for the signs that he’s interested before you invest heart, mind, body and soul into this man. If you are having sex, he might keep calling you from time to time until he meets someone else, and if your feelings continue to grow, it can be devastating. Know your own emotional limits, and what you are willing to endure.

If you see that he only calls you from time to time, that maybe you date once a week or a few times a month, then know he’s not interested in taking the relationship to the next level. Instead of reading into his inconsistent romantic gestures, it’s better to look at your relationship and take it at face value. It isn’t going anywhere.

If you are okay with that, then go for it and have fun, but continue to date other people. If you are not fine with his non-committal and flaky behavior, then it’s time to get real about his intentions and walk away before you get too invested. Someone better for you is out there.

We all know the heady feeling of passion – how it makes us feel and how we crave it in our love lives. There is the rush of emotion when you get a text from the object of your affection, or see him standing in front of you. There is that warm feeling that comes over you when you kiss, when you have sex, when you are wrapped up in each other. Desire, passion, lust – these are extreme emotional highs that we crave.

Maybe you’ve been on a few dates with someone who fills you with that passion. You’re already planning trips together, dreaming about how perfect he seems for you. You look forward to the relationship progressing, to moving in together, to him being “the one.” You fantasize about your love, and how he brings out such emotion in you.

Then a few weeks later, the sex isn’t so hot. He isn’t so attractive. He has this annoying habit of interrupting you every time you start to say something. His house is a mess and you feel like his mother when you clean up after him. He is still in touch with his ex girlfriend. He starts calling you less and less often, and isn’t so excited to see you anymore.

Needless to say, the seeds of passion have not brought the bloom of long-term love that you were craving in the first place.

When it comes to long-term relationships, these passion-filled romances don’t typically stand the test of time. They are intense, but like every high, at some point, you must come down. And then comes the true test of the relationship.

Long-term relationships require a deeper connection than passion. They often take a long time to grow. Which is why it’s not the best idea to reject dates who don’t bring out that passion you crave right away.

Passion isn’t just about heady, immediate lust. While that is always tempting to follow, it’s important to consider what you truly want: a life filled with short-term, intense flings? Or a long-term companion where love grows deeper?

Seeking long-term love as opposed to chasing passion isn’t about settling. It’s about understanding what you really want. It’ thinking about more than heady feelings of lust – but rather, about mutual respect, kindness and about having a real and lasting connection with a partner. Passion wears off no matter what relationship you are in, so you have to ask yourself: what is left after that? Do I even like the person I’m with?

What is it that I’m really hoping to have?

Most of us crave deeper connections. We don’t want someone who is just around for the good times, and takes off when things get rough or boring. We want someone we can trust, who we like, who makes us laugh, who respects and cares for us, who is committed for the long haul. This isn’t the stuff of passion – it is the stuff of deep relationships. Be clear about what you want before you keep chasing passion.

I know a lot of women who are attracted to men who have exciting careers. They envision dating someone successful, since they have achieved their own independence and success and want someone who strives towards the same goals. However, the men who have the exciting careers that they envision – chef, musician, studio executive, or city councilman, for instance – tend to be beholden to those careers and don’t put enough time into their relationships.

The problem isn't that most men and women have different priorities as far as career ambitions - but that their timing is not always in sync.

Many women, especially if they are interested in starting a family or getting married, crave more connection and time together with a partner, especially when men are trying to build their careers. They want to spend time with a new love interest. Men in demanding careers might crave chemistry and connection as well, but might not have the same priorities of starting a family or being so committed to a relationship. Instead, work might come first – even at the expense of a relationship.

Dating can be difficult, there’s no doubt about it. One of the most difficult things about online dating is the mental game many of us play. Instead of looking and considering each potential match on its own, we compare and contrast our matches, swiping left and right based on a couple of photos or an Instagram feed. The faster we swipe to reject (or even accept), the faster we can meet someone with whom we have a connection. Someone “better” than the last match.

When we are judging others so swiftly and definitively, it’s hard not to do the same thing to ourselves. Do you wonder what others think of you – why they might be swiping left instead of right? Why another match might be “better” than you? Do you think that peoples’ reactions might change if you were just a little prettier, or more athletic, or taller? (Especially if you reject matches based on these same criteria?) This can ruin your confidence as well as your online dating experience. Sometimes, it’s better to take a step back and gain some much-needed perspective.

Online dating creates the illusion that we are not only sizing each other up, but competing with one another. Let’s take social media as an example – something that most of us check regularly. We are constantly looking at what other people are doing, and how our lives compare.

Have you ever come across the Facebook or Instagram feed of a friend who is always posting vacation photos from exotic locales, or your friend who is part of a happy couple who can’t stop sharing how much they adore each other or their new baby? Maybe you see your friends’ new promotions, new houses, and exciting moments and think your life falls short.

Social media can give us skewed perspectives, and so can endlessly swiping on dating apps. While we might think that other people have an easier time with online dating, or they are getting more dates, or are somehow meeting “better” people online, rest assured – all of us have the same insecurities and challenges.

Instead of looking at online dating as a competition or a numbers game, it’s time to approach it differently. Instead of mindlessly swiping and judging, try taking things slowly. (I know, it’s against the dating app mindset, but it’s necessary.) Try reading what each person says in his/her profile. Spend one minute looking at a profile before moving on to the next. Try looking through an Instagram feed and not judging or comparing your lives, just observing. Try saying yes to a match who doesn’t seem like your type, just to see what the date might be like.

The more you can distance yourself from the cycle of comparing yourself to others, judging others, and hating online dating as a result, the better. Instead, have a more curious approach. Try to get to know someone rather than making a judgment. Seek connection, not perfection.