Advice

The other day I was checking out profiles with a friend, and I saw a profile name that almost caused my iced tea to spray across the screen. The name? Tool Bag (or something similar; slightly changed to protect identity). Now, maybe the guy was a master carpenter, but his name conjured up many more images, none of them good.

It got me thinking about profile names and how they really say a lot about our personalities – maybe even more than you intend. You might have chosen your profile name based on your favorite athletic team, but it says quite a bit more: that you're a sporty type, maybe what college you went to, possibly the sorts of activities you like.

Sometimes a profile name can reveal parts of your personality. Something with the name “Princess” in it might conjure up someone high-maintenance. Words like “drama” or “witch” or “wild” might get your bold personality across, but they might also bring up a host of negative connotations – best to leave those alone.

In men more than women, I tend to see self-deprecating profile names: ones that have words like “nerd” or “dork.” They're also more likely to be more straightforward and self-deprecating about their appearance, using words like “skinny” or “teddy bear.” These sorts of names are a bit of a gamble; depending on the rest of the profile, they either send a message that you're easy-going with a sense of humor, or that you simply have low self-esteem.

So, how to choose a good profile name? Well, instead of focusing on your appearance or your personality, try some simple hobby or fact that reflects you. If you love cooking, try using “chef.” If you like a particular book or TV show, try using a reference from those. In using an interest or hobby, your user name might actually make you stand out to someone with a common interest, “grabbing” them from the get-go. Don't worry about getting your personality across in your user name; that's what the rest of the profile is for.

If you decide your user name is completely inappropriate, most online dating sites have ways you can easily change it. If you think your name needs a change, don't waste time in doing so! Just as a user name can grab the reader, so too can it instantly turn them off. Is your user name sending the right message?

In winter it can be tempting to hibernate. To shut down life completely and come out in the spring, when the unforgiving iciness of the world is thawing, and everything looks more promising.

Pretty imagery aside, winter is a good four-plus months when life certainly does go on. People meet, dates are scheduled. Still, winter comes with its own set of unique challenges when it comes to finally meeting in person.

I'm talking about the flu and cold season.

That undoubtedly elicited a few scoffs from the audience. What am I, some kind of germaphobe? Far from it – but every winter I hear from friends about a first date that was either canceled outright due to illness, made miserable because someone was coming down with something, or tainted because an illness was transferred that night.

Just as we plan for inclement weather through the various seasons, so too should we accept that sometimes a “cold and flu season” is called that because the incidences of illness are far more common, and plan accordingly.

First and foremost, if you suspect you're coming down with something, don't risk it and go out anyway. Best case scenario, your body fights it off and you don't ultimately become sick, but you'll probably be distracted or weak that night anyway. Worst case scenario, you become ill during the date and pass on your illness for good measure. And let's not forget, going on a first date when you're potentially sick could actually provide extra stress, and tip you into chicken-soup territory.

If you have to cancel a date because of illness, don't feel guilty about it – it happens to everyone, and your date would much rather you both stay happy and healthy. However, if you're not too sick to do so, try shooting an extra email or a funny text message before your rescheduled date – keep that connection going so your date doesn't worry that it's just an excuse.

It's great when you find someone you can be vulnerable around – but preferably we're talking about your emotions, not your immune system. It's not killing romance to remember that going on a first date means meeting someone with a totally different system than you. Take precautions, wash your hands, and don't forget to enjoy yourself.

You might have heard before that headlines can make or break a profile. Indeed, just as a profile is a first impression, a headline can be an instant snap judgment. Today, I'd like to focus on the most common headline problems.

By far, the headline issue I see the most is length – specifically, a headline that is way too long. Some sites have character limits in their headlines; often, the writer won't even notice. They copy and paste their long quote or blurb and don't even double-check it. Sometimes they even get confused and try to post their self-summary in the headline section, so you'll see the first few lines duplicated. Even when the headline isn't cut off in the middle, it can still be too long. The reader might be confused – is that a section designed to grab your attention, or is it just a random thought?

The second most prevalent headline problem belongs to those who I shall call “summarizers.” They've got a profile that details exactly who they are and what they're looking for; then, when it comes to the headline, they try to say the same thing all over again. This time, it might be in the form of a string of adjectives, or, worse, a bunch of abbreviations like a discount classified personals ad. If you see someone with a headline like, “Loyal, caring, fun, adventurous guy looking for compassionate, cute girl!” you've found a summarizer.

Occasionally – and this takes either talent or bad luck – a headline manages to be offensive or overly aggressive. The most classic example of this is the girl who “isn't looking for drama” and hopes to turn jerks away from the get-go. Unfortunately, she's probably turning away a lot more than the jerks. In trying to be assertive and strong, she manages to either scare prospective people off or come across as a total grouch. Women are not the only ones guilty of this, either – I've seen men trying to be macho who do the same thing. Regardless of gender, it's a common misapplication of strength.

When constructing a headline for your profile, stick with something short, sweet and catchy. Remember: you're just trying to get the reader to check out the rest of your profile. Thus, you don't need to give long explanations or justifications; just get them to continue reading, even if it's because your headline says something ridiculous like “Free BBQ Sauce (Pig Included If You Can Catch It).” Let the headline bring in readers; the profile keeps them reading.

When you're in love, it's easy for everything to seem "predestined." "Meant to be." You know how tough the dating world can be, so when you actually find someone compatible, someone you really get along with, well, it can seem magical.

Thus, when a couple tells their get-together story, it can evolve into a fairy tale over time. “If I hadn't missed the bus that day...” “If I hadn't gone to that website on a dare...” “I wished on a star as a child for a guy who...” “Magic.” “Fate.”

It's understandable. Humans have been finding supernatural meaning in the events of their lives for thousands of years. And sometimes the sheer luck of finding the right person, contemplating what might have changed if this or that were different – well, the numbers can be chilling. It's far more comfortable to assume that even if you hadn't missed the bus that day, you would still be “meant to be.”

But here's the problem with that kind of thinking: it encourages those who haven't met the right person, or accomplished their dreams in general, to sit around and wait for it to happen to them. If you and your true love are “meant to be,” then surely it doesn't matter if you're emailing people on a dating site or sitting right here on the couch, right? Maybe your true love will be the pizza delivery person.

Well, maybe it will. But the more you limit your human interaction – whether in person or online – the less chances you have of meeting someone right for you.

Sure, it can be hard work. It can be uncomfortable emailing a stranger, or approaching one. It's rough when things don't work out. But just like any goal or dream, the hard work is worth it when you succeed. And if you're the sort of person who likes to think that everything is “fated,” think of it this way: when you finally meet your true love, all the previous work will have gone into giving you the perception and social skills to recognize and woo the object of your desire.

Making wishes is great, and who knows? Maybe it actually works. However, are you willing to throw away potential happiness while you wait on a star? Or are you willing to work to make your dreams come true?

1967: The dawning of the Age of Aquarius.

2010: The dawning of the Age of the Pragmatic.

Who is the Pragmatic, you ask?

According to the LoveGeist Report, the pragmatic romantic is a new kind of dater, aged 25-40, who has "suffered at the hands of the economic downturn" and has "become, by necessity, much more practical in their approach to love, adopting a...more pragmatic attitude to the search for a relationship."

In my last review of the 2010 LoveGeist Report, we talked about the effects the recession has had on modern dating, effects that have had the greatest impact on the 25-40 consumer age group. And it's not only their relationships that have suffered:

• 45% of the 25-34 year old consumers say that the state of the housing market has a direct impact on their personal financial security.
• Over 30% of UK consumers expect that they will have to help their children get on the property ladder.
• Only a third of 25-34 year olds feel satisfied with their homes (a fraction that is much lower than any other lifestage, according to the survey executed by the Future Foundation).
• More than 25% of 25-34 year olds have borrowed money to pay for everyday items, and 20% have had to borrow money for a big event like a wedding.
• 70% of people in this age group believe that they will have to decrease their spending in all areas (a number that, once again, is higher than the number for any other age group).

In addition to financial pressure, 25-40 year old consumers are feeling the strain of constantly being pressed for time. Balancing career, social life, family, hobbies, etc, is tricky at the best of times, but now:

• Over 70% of 25-34 year olds report that the stresses of modern life mean that people are less happy now than they used to be.
• 67% of the 25-44 year old bracket say that they are under time pressure every day.
• 54% of the 25-40 year olds polled by the LoveGeist Report say that they do not dedicate enough time to finding love.

Out of this struggle, the Pragmatic was born.

Pragmatic daters scored lower than any other age group in the LoveGeist Report when it came to romance, in addition to being less likely to personally consider themselves romantic (28% called themselves romantic, while 36% of daters age 41 and over labeled themselves romantic). Other factors that influenced the birth of the Pragmatic dater are "the modern mindset of control, and female empowerment in particular." Daters in their 20s and 30s, according to relationship expert Kate Taylor, expect to be in control of every aspect of their lives - career, home, finances - which is "putting pressure on the more traditional signs of love and romance." Consider chivalry, Taylor suggests: "Men would be chivalrous...but [many] have been burned by bad experiences. Every man can tell a story about the time he opened a door for a girl and she said, 'I can open it myself, thank you!' Nowadays they don't know what to do for the best.'"

Fortunately, LoveGeist research shows, the practical perspective of the Pragmatics has not eradicated the modern dater's need for love, and the warmth, stability, and emotional security that go with it. The vast majority of contemporary daters (96%) are searching for a long-term partner who makes them feel secure, and many are willing to alter the amount of time they spend at work (43%), reprioritize their career (33%), or relocate (47%) to find The One.

For more information on this dating service you can read our Match.com UK review.

As I write this, I'm sitting in a coffee shop. It's the lunch hour; people of all ages are crammed in. After about twenty minutes of writing I realize I've tuned out the din altogether – it's still just as busy, but I'm lost in my own little world.

Looking around the coffee shop, I see more of the same. The girl in her early 20s, listening to whatever music is pouring out of her earbuds, The 30-something guy, checking his email or texting on his phone. Even the elderly man, hunched behind his newspaper. The coffee shop is chock-full of people who are completely isolated.

It's just the way the world is now, I suppose – we're so linked on the internet that we seek our privacy wherever we can find it. But what effect is this having on our love lives? Do we really need to turn to online dating sites to find love, or should we just peek out from behind the computer screen?

Well, perhaps I shouldn't be too hasty. After all, just because the coffee shop is full of people does not mean that it's full of eligible or compatible people. Sometimes the internet really is the only way to find people with compatible interests, or even eligible people in the desired age bracket.

Still, I wonder how different things would be if we had a no-electronics policy in public places. Would we interact more? Start up conversations out of sheer boredom? Would we avoid such places altogether, scuttling through as quickly as possible to get to our destination?

There's an old cliché about finding love in the grocery store, asking a stranger how to identify ripe melons. Nowadays, all one has to do is whip out their smart phone.

Obviously, the world has changed, and not even necessarily for the worst. However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't give up on the tried and true when it comes to love – human interaction. Next time you're at the coffee shop, try striking up a conversation with a random person – it doesn't even have to be a romantic interest. If we develop the habit of actually talking to one another, who knows where it might lead?