Advice

So you’ve constructed a new profile for an online dating site. You’ve got a good picture, and you’ve made sure the text is limited to a few paragraphs. You have an eye-catching headline. You’re good to go, right?

Well, maybe, but don’t put away that editing pen just yet. Sometimes, we get so caught up in the mechanics of good profiles that we forget one major point: someone is going to read this. Someone should want to meet you, or at least learn more about you, based on reading these few paragraphs. So ask yourself two major questions: Does it sound like you? And, more importantly, is it interesting?

Think of a profile as less like a resume and more like the beginning of your first meeting. Thus, the tone of the profile should far less professional, and far more conversational. Keeping this conversational aspect in mind when you’re writing it can actually lead to a more structurally sound profile, as well: after all, in an informal meeting, you wouldn’t give an endless laundry list of your accomplishments and skills, would you? Nor should you in your profile. Thus, pretending you’re having a conversation leads to something more natural and readable.

When we spend too long editing and re-editing our profiles, we can sometimes eradicate every trace of our personality. This is doing a disservice to ourselves in two ways. First of all, if you sound too generic, your profile could be passed over altogether. Secondly, the profile should hopefully be a glimpse into your “voice.” If your emails are drastically different than your profile, your potential match may wonder who you really are. Now, most people understand that a quickly-written email is different from a carefully worded profile, especially when they have profiles of their own. Still, make sure you can find at least a glimmer of yourself in your profile.

‘Style’ can be an intimidating word in the world of writing, but in the realm of online dating profiles it simply means we want to hear your voice. Are you truly being heard?

One of the most common misconceptions about online dating is that it’s a “last resort” - somewhere you turn when more traditional methods of meeting people don’t work. While it’s true that online dating sites are a viable alternative if other methods aren’t working, to only consider them when all else has failed is doing online dating a massive disservice.

A friend of mine, “Ted,” recently created an online dating profile. Some of his other friends were surprised. “But you have no problem meeting women!” they said.

It’s true, Ted doesn’t have a hard time getting dates. However, he definitely hasn’t found the right person yet. And he’s come to realize that all the women he’s been meeting and dating have a certain “type.” In his words, “They’re the same person!”

Thus, Ted is utilizing an online dating site to find women outside his personal box, ones with different interests. Perhaps the new approach will work for him; I hope it will. Regardless, good for him for trying to change up his dating patterns. Online sites are a perfect way to do so.

There are other reasons to use online dating sites other than as a “last resort”: for example, getting a jump on meeting people as you’re getting ready to move to a new location. You can use them for finding other people in your vast community who share a specific, uncommon interest. And, of course, they’re particularly useful for those who have unusual or busy work schedules. In essence, online dating sites can be a one-stop-combo of classifieds, library bulletin boards, and singles bars.

Really, why wouldn’t you include an online dating site in your social repertoire? Of course, I’m preaching to the choir, but sometimes even those familiar with the benefits of online dating tend to perpetuate the stereotypes. Therefore, remember that we shouldn’t recommend online dating only to those who are having trouble; recommend it to those who are dating, period. Perhaps soon, the easiest, most logical option will also be the most popular!

You’ve probably heard time and time again that it’s good to smile in your online dating profile default pic - and for the most part, this is true. After all, when you smile, you typically avoid that “mugshot” face. You appear less intimidating and more approachable. And we subconsciously mirror the expressions we see, so if someone sees you smiling, they’ll smile back - and probably feel more warmly toward you as a result.

However, this only really applies when it comes to genuine smiles - and most people can tell the difference, consciously or not, between a genuine smile and a fake smile. Therefore, if you have a candid photo where you’re laughing or smiling naturally, it’s almost always good to include it, even if you think you look silly. Most of us don’t have a photographer on hand to make us laugh, however, and we wind up trying to take our own self-portrait. And when it comes to a genuine smile, that can be tricky.

One of the upsides to digital cameras is that you can take endless amounts of pictures and delete them if they’re bad. However, I’ve seen some people become too picky. They might have a great photo of their smile, but reject it because a piece of hair is out of place. Think about the profiles you’ve seen of other people: do you remember the details, or the general emotions they stirred?

By far the biggest problem in self portraits lies in the windows to the soul: the eyes. A tell-tale sign of a fake smile is the eyes. In most people, eyes crinkle up a bit at the corners when they’re genuinely happy. However, I know people who purposely widen their eyes when they take a photo - because they don’t want to look too “squinty.” Have you ever seen someone with a wide smile and equally wide eyes? Plainly put, it looks creepy.

If you’re looking to smile in your online profile photos, try to smile for legitimate reasons. Put on a funny movie in the background. Loosen up and take photos of silly faces to make the camera less intimidating. And remember, it’s far better to go for a real smile that might not be the most flattering ever, than a perfectly polished picture with a false, scary grin.

It can be difficult to get advice about dating and love from friends and family members; often, the difficulty exists because of cultural differences. “Cultural differences” doesn’t just refer to customs from another country; it can be a generation gap, or even a regional one. After all, while your grandmother might not have had an arranged marriage, she might have met her husband at a chaperoned taffy pull. Not many of those around today.

Similarly, using an online dating site can cause a cultural disconnect. Sure, dating is just dating - two people meet, fall in love, live happily ever after. Still, for some the method obscures the motivation.

How do we cope with the cultural difference? Well, try coming up with something the audience can connect to. For example, for more old-fashioned friends and family members, try underscoring the similarities to traditional dating instead of the differences. Getting to know someone online through emails and profiles is, in some ways, more “traditional” than hooking up with someone at a bar. For those who feel online dating is too much of a commitment for “someone you haven’t met in person,” remind them that you’re just agreeing to a date or meetup, not a marriage, and in fact it’s quite similar to giving your phone number to someone you’ve just met.

However, the biggest cultural obstacle may be your own internal prejudices and pre-conceived notions. Online dating sites are still relatively new; not everyone who signs up with a profile truly believes they could meet someone compatible. Dating is, in some respects, a numbers game, and only when you truly commit to the process (sending out first-contact emails, updating your profile and pictures faithfully, encouraging conversations) can you maximize your chances of success. Don’t let doubt and skepticism hinder you.

As for everyone else, try to have a little patience when you get the occasional raised eyebrow at the phrase “online dating.” We all have our own cultural norms - and to you a chaperoned taffy pull might not sound like romance in the making!

When I was online dating, if I was matched with a single Dad I immediately hit the "delete" key. Single fathers came ready-made with baggage, and I wanted no part. Ironically, I ended up marrying one.

A recent article in news website the Star noted that nearly 70% of childless Canadian women on eHarmony refuse to be matched with men who have children. On the other hand, 63% of men won't be matched with single Moms.

"Children add an extra layer of challenge to dating," says Dr. Gian Gonzaga, senior director of research and development for eHarmony Labs. "The concern women have is that they can never be the only person in his life because there is a child who is going to take some of his attention."

While dating a single parent definitely presents additional complications, should it really be a deal-breaker? After all, roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce, and many divorcees have children. They make up a large portion of the single population, so should they be dismissed by those who don't have children?

I was open to the idea of dating my current husband despite my reservations, and as a result I've found a fulfilling relationship that I never expected. Part of the reason I fell in love with him was because I saw how he interacted with his children. I saw the caring, nurturing side, and not just the candidate for a boyfriend.

However, I will say that it takes some adjustments, and it's not for everyone. There are times when it can be difficult and emotional, and other times when it's very rewarding to spend time with someone else's children. It depends on your relationship with the person you're dating, and his relationship with his children.

According to the Star, Patti Henry, a psychotherapist and author of The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing tells her female clients to look for signs when they consider dating a single father. "If he's protective of his children by not wanting the woman to meet his kids for like six months, green flag. If he gets his emotional needs met by other adults . . . and not his children, green flag. If he is wise with his children when they screw up . . . green flag."

If you are a single parent looking to try online dating, check out our list of Single Parent Dating Sites. These niche dating services are tailored made for singles with children and singles who do not mind if their matches have children.

I know of a man who has a bit of an unusual prejudice when it comes to dating. It has to do with what he calls “baggage.” You see, he’s not that far from age forty, and he’s well aware that women his age might very well have been married before, or had children. And he’s okay with that; in fact, if a woman does not have “baggage,” he assumes there’s something wrong with her.

I could dismiss this as simply one man’s strange quirk, but the more I thought about it, I realized that it could stem partially from a societal double standard. Though we logically understand that adult women can have lives that don’t include marriage or children, many people still assume that it’s the primary goal for women aged eighteen and up. It’s sort of funny and unusual that this guy considers women without “baggage” damaged, but a woman thinking the same thing about a man might be looked at even more strangely, because it’s more acceptable for men to stay unmarried for a longer time and focus on their careers.

However, this also brings up another point about adults and the dating world that I’d like to address. When you’re dating and in your twenties, one might consider the whole process more simple - you haven’t lived much beyond college or the first few years of working. Now consider someone double that age, in their forties. They’ve literally lived an entire extra life, one spent entirely as an adult. Maybe they’ve achieved the dreams of their twenty-something self. Maybe life circumstances forced them in another direction. Maybe they’re just now realizing what they truly want in life.

The point is, you can’t always look at “baggage” (or a lack thereof) as any real sort of indicator about where a person is in life and what they want. Maybe they don’t want the same things they used to. Maybe their path was chosen for them. At any rate, are you exactly the same person you were twenty years ago?

As you look at online dating profiles, remember to try to look outside your box, whatever it may be. We never know what strange prejudices could keep us from missing out on a truly great match.