Advice

What's the best way to score a date online? Be someone worth dating.

Easier said than done, right? It feels unnatural and uncomfortable to write out all your most positive traits. If you have any insecurities (and who doesn't?) they're likely to come out in your profile. And once you've laid it all out there, you're intensely vulnerable.

Think about it another way. You're trying to date someone, which means you think there's a reason for someone to date you. You believe you have something valuable to offer a potential partner, so highlight it.

That doesn't mean bragging, but it does mean filling your profile with things that make you unique and interesting. Talk about what you like, what you love, and what you want. If you’re at a loss, here are some key areas to cover:

• Your hobbies. Your hobbies and interests are an easy place to start. What really sets you apart? “Spending time with friends” or “watching Netflix” isn't it. The fact that you build robots in your spare time, however, is. Not only does this give potential dates a clearer picture of who you are, it also offers them an easy way to start a conversation.
• What you're doing with your life. You don't want your profile to read like a resume, but it's ok to spend some time on your career and ambitions. Sharing where you're currently at in your life and where you plan to go – whether you want Hollywood superstardom or a quiet life on a dairy farm – helps attract partners who are actually compatible.
• Your personality. It sounds obvious, but it's important to include personality traits so potential dates have an idea of what they're working with. If you're the outdoorsy type and your date doesn't even like going to the park, it's better for both of you to keep looking. Get creative about how you express your personality. A list of attributes is boring. Show who you are instead of telling.
• What you're looking for. Most of your profile is about you, but some of it should be about the person you're hoping to meet. We're not talking about a 20-page list of deal breakers, but if you have certain requirements, it's a-ok to mention them. “Tall, dark, and handsome” doesn't count, but “I have kids and need a partner who's comfortable that” definitely does.

Remember, the most important thing is to put your best foot forward. Use positive language, avoid untruths, talk more about what you're like than what you want, and don't put yourself down – ever. Give your visitors something to get excited about.

A recent article in Marie Claire surveyed single men across the U.S. to ask them about the online dating profiles they come across, and what they felt women lied about most when writing their online dating profiles.

The number one thing guys think women lie about is their looks – whether it’s their weight, “athleticism,” height, or even whether or not they've posted an old picture from five years ago. Enough women have used tricks to make themselves look more “attractive” – from using old photos to Photoshopping their features to avoiding posting full-body pictures – so that men are automatically suspicious of how they portray themselves physically, and what they might be hiding. So ladies, no more cover-ups. Include recent photos, and a body shot as well as headshots. Since there are also studies on the wide range of taste men have, you should show off your “flaws” - likely, it means more dates.

Men also believe women lie about their age. Let’s face it – I think this happens for both genders, especially for men who want to date much younger women. There is an age bias in online dating, which contributes to this phenomenon, but perhaps we should all do a reality check. Do you really want to admit you lied about something so fundamental when you meet in person, especially if you really like the guy? It pays to come clean from the start, so trust won’t be an issue.

Men are also weary of women who post that they love their independence – and include lots of photos with their girlfriends as proof. If you describe yourself as "not clingy," the first thing a man will wonder is – how clingy will she be? Instead of saying this in your profile, talk about the trips you’ve taken or the things you like to do. There’s no need to prove your independence if you have it.

Perhaps thanks to the movie/ book “Gone Girl,” men also get suspicious of any woman who describes herself as “laid-back.” They immediately wonder if she’s very sensitive or highly reactive. Same thing with women who describe themselves as successful – if they have to say it, are they really? (Plus, men tend to lie about their own success.) Again, it’s best to avoid defending yourself to someone who has never met you.

The last and most important thing to note is that men don’t believe it when women say they want a “casual” relationship. When they take this statement at face value, often times, the women end up wanting more, so they avoid women who write this altogether. The important thing to remember is – be honest. If you want a relationship, you shouldn’t be afraid to admit it. In fact, it will help you weed out the ones who don’t – because you won’t succeed in changing them.

I hear a lot of feedback from people when I tell them I write about dating. It's a hot-button issue for many, and most of the time, they can’t wait to share with me all of their dating horror stories and the confusing messages they receive. In fact, this was the reason I wrote my book, Date Expectations.

But mostly, after the stories are told, they still want to know how to meet a great guy/ woman. Then, they want to know why it’s impossible to meet anyone decent on Tinder when practically everyone is on it. Then the last thing they want to know is: why should they even try online dating?

I admit, online dating is hard. Regular dating is hard. Thinking of the perfect message to send someone you’re interested in is daunting. So why even bother going up to a complete stranger and trying to start a conversation when it’s even more intimidating and stressful, and you can’t delete your line and start over again?

But I think most people have misconceptions about online dating. Looking for love is not like going to Amazon, reading the reviews, and ordering the jacket you want in just the right size or color. Dating is dealing with human beings – none of them perfect, all with some type of baggage or issues – but many people refuse to let go of their fantasies about the “perfect” partner, and think their made-to-order person is out there waiting to be found.

Before you protest and say you have an open mind, you've dated a lot of different people and none were right, let’s investigate. Think about the times you’ve scrolled through profiles on Tinder. What made you reject someone? Was he too short? Did she wear too much make-up? Did he have a job you didn’t like? Did she seem too fat? Typically, when we find something “wrong” with someone, we tend to ignore the other great qualities and dismiss without even some consideration. We think it’s because we don’t want to waste time. But really – when you date the people who have all the characteristics you like, chances are they still aren't quite "The One;" there are still flaws.

The truth is, romantic relationships require patience. Sure, you can have instant chemistry with someone (which helps the process along), but if you don’t have the same relationship goals, or you find out later you don't have much in common, or that he’s really a jerk, you are left angry and confused.

On the other hand, if you meet someone you like but aren’t sure about, chances are you move on to the next without letting the relationship unfold. We are in such a rush to get to the “end” – the relationship with the perfect partner – that we could totally miss someone who could be that, because we are derailed by what we think we want – good job, height, etc. – and not by what we actually want – someone who listens and understands who we are.

This takes time. This takes effort. I encourage all of you to date at a slower pace, and get to know each person. Love unfolds in front of you, sometimes when you least expect it - and more often, with the person you never would have expected.

Before you start looking for the perfect lighting situation for your online dating photo shoot, or try a lot of make-up before you snap the picture, you might want to reconsider. A new study found that while your photo may appear more attractive when it’s “enhanced,” if you’re a woman, you likely won’t be trusted.

Researchers at the University of Connecticut conducted an experiment to determine how people judged each other based on their online dating profile photos. They asked 153 straight men and 152 straight women, ages 17 to 36, to look at one of four pictures – each looked at both enhanced and unenhanced pictures of the same person.

Both men and women thought the enhanced photos made the dater considerably more attractive. But men tended to assume that the enhanced female photos were hiding something, and that they couldn’t be trusted. The women on the other hand felt the guys who were enhanced were more likeable and trustworthy – creating a “halo effect” if you will.

While the new study looked at online dating specifically, it seems to corroborate what happens in the real world when people are checking each other out in person.

According to Today.com, the new research provides more evidence of how makeup can change people's perceptions of a woman's character. Alex Jones, a postdoctoral research associate at Gettysburg College who was not involved in the study, told the morning show website: "Attractive people are not always seen in a positive light. Attractive women seem particularly vulnerable to these judgments and cosmetics use is one area where harsher judgments are given to women."

Interestingly, the study also pointed to a lack of concern among men: “males found the beautified profile as more attractive and had a higher desire to date the person in the picture despite the lower degree of trustworthiness they reported," the authors noted. So even though the men didn’t trust the women who enhanced their photos, they did have a desire to date them anyway.

On the flip side, women seemed to trust men more when they had enhanced their photos, assuming that personality traits would match their looks.

Why did women find the guys with beautiful photos more appealing and trustworthy? It seems that this mirrors real life – women tend to fantasize about what they desire, assuming that a man who presents well is also going to be great boyfriend material. Unfortunately, in real life, you can’t know if someone is trustworthy until you get to know them – therefore, it’s fantasy to assume someone might be great based on an enhanced photo.

The researchers will present their findings at the conference of the International Communication Association in San Juan, Puerto Rico from May 21-25.

Creativity is hard. I get it.

I stare at blank pages every day and have to turn them into useful, compelling content. It's always intimidating, but the fact that it's a daily routine makes it increasingly less stressful all the time.

Then there's your online dating profile. It also requires creativity and compelling use of language, but it's not a skill you're practicing every day. You do it once, with occasional revamps when something isn't working, and that's it.

So, yeah, there's pressure. And sometimes the easiest way to avoid feeling that pressure is to stick with what you already know, and apply formulas you think have already been proven. The problem with using that approach to your online dating profile is that, pretty soon, every profile you scroll through will look like all the others. They become one big blur of trendy, but ultimately dull, buzzwords.

You've probably already noticed certain words and phrases keep popping up in your matches. Everyone is “spontaneous” and “laidback” and “up for an adventure.” We love to travel. We couldn't do without our friends and family. All those things might be true, but this is also true: they're drop dead boring. They're essentially the modern equivalent of saying you like long walks on the beach.

You think you're describing your personality, when what you're actually doing is saying “I have no idea how to describe myself” (or maybe even “I don't know myself”). The buzzwords are making you less nuanced and unique than you actually are, because their ubiquity means they've lost their meaning.

Here's what you need instead. Researchers from Barts and the London School of Medicine and the University of North Texas found that the most successful dating messages directly address someone's personality, so you need to make sure your profile is full of that personality. It's your job to pack it with conversation starters so potential dates can send you interesting, thoughtful messages. If you don't, your inbox will be a sea of “Hey” and “Hi there.”

Remember that your profile is meant to represent a living, breathing, complex human being. Provide context and get specific. If you say you're up for an adventure, mention a wild exploit you're hoping to cross off your bucket list some day. If you're into travel, mention your favorite destination and explain why. If you want to go for drinks, say you're a sucker for gritty dive bars with metal music.

At the end of the day, no one is dating your profile. They're dating you – so share the stories that make the person behind the screen come alive.

Ask those who have tried online dating and most will agree: it does expand your social circles. Through the swipe of a screen or click of a button, you have plenty of new people to meet that you wouldn’t encounter if you only relied on friends and family members to set you up on dates. But sometimes despite all these opportunities, online dating is an overwhelming, confusing and even disappointing experience.

A recent article in Mic.com looked deeper into this phenomenon, asking psychologists what they make of online dating, and citing studies that maintain it’s not necessarily productive in terms of finding a long-term relationship.

There have been studies about how too many choices can overwhelm us to the point of paralysis. In a 2010 study by Psychological Science, researchers found that when we have too many choices in dating we often don’t make good decisions. They likened it to shopping: when consumers are faced with too many brands of product, whether it’s laundry detergents or chocolate, our brains become overwhelmed, which leads us to make poorer choices. In other words, we buy the detergent based on the pretty packaging, not the quality of ingredients or how effectively it cleans clothes.

The study focused on 84 different speed dating events of different sized groups. Those who met 24 or more potential dates in one night tended to feel overwhelmed, and they made decisions about who to date based solely on physical characteristics like height and weight. However at the smaller events, people felt less overwhelm, and made decisions about who to date based on non-physical characteristics, such as sense of humor, education, and career.

As one of the researchers said, “There are constraints on what our brains can do – they’re quite powerful, but they can’t pay attention to everything at once.”

And online dating has only gotten more confusing and overwhelming since dating apps like Tinder have taken over the market. People swipe left and right with little inner guidance about their choices – almost as if they are dating on auto-pilot.

The good news is, we have more choice when it comes to meeting people – we can go outside of our own circles. But we also have to understand that while there seems to be an endless supply of potential dates – and therefore it seems there’s always someone “better” to meet – we are also limiting our love lives. Taking a shopping mentality to dating prevents us from living in the present, and from enjoying the company of someone we’re getting to know. Not everyone is going to be a romantic match, but usually it takes more than one or two dates to get to know someone.

Take your time. There’s no rush. It’s time to enjoy online dating – one person at a time.