Advice

If you’re single, chances are you’ve been given a lot of advice. The bigger question is – how much of it was actually helpful? Some people have good intentions, but if they haven't dated in twenty years, they could be giving outdated advice.

Instead of relying on the opinions of friends, family or even co-workers, it’s better to understand your own experiences and learn from them. Chances are, you’ve picked up a thing or two from the dates you’ve been on. The key question is – are you going to change your own behavior, or are you going to keep doing things the way you have been because those are the “rules” of dating?

Dating is changing all the time – thanks in large part to the accessibility of meeting other people through online dating services and apps. We no longer have to drag ourselves to a local bar to chat with someone – we can do it over our phones while binge-watching Real Housewives or standing in line at the grocery store. In fact, most dating-related conversations take place over the phone.

So what are some traditional dating “rules” you can kiss goodbye? Start here:

Letting the man ask you out.

It’s 2015, not 1952. Women and men compete for the same jobs and make decisions about what kind of life they want to lead. So why should dating be stuck back in the dark ages? Instead, ladies – it’s time to take some control and ask guys out. It’s incredibly easy to do with dating apps, and it’s no pressure.

Looking for romance over everything else.

I’m not saying romance is dead – in fact, it can be better than ever. But we need to recognize the difference between lust at first sight and real love. Attraction is great, but if someone sweeps you off your feet it doesn’t mean a lasting relationship – that is only built over time. So try to say yes to more second and third dates before you dismiss someone because of “lack of chemistry.” Chemistry grows stronger, too.

Letting the man take the lead.

Again, it’s 2015, so there’s no need to check yourself at the door and put your own needs on hold to wait for “cues” from your date about where the relationship will go. You have a say, too. Speak up. If you’re looking for long-term, don’t betray your own feelings by saying you’re fine with something more casual. You have an equal say in what you want, so make sure you take it.

Acting like you don’t care.

Playing the “cool girl” is not a path to success. Sooner or later your inner freak will come out, and that’s a good thing. Nobody is an emotionless void – we all have feelings and reactions, and it’s okay to show them. We’re not robots, and the more we embrace our feelings, the more intimate we can be in relationships.

Let’s face it – dating today is elusive. People are meeting new potential dates all the time with the popularity of dating apps like Tinder and Grindr. It’s no wonder that commitment is hard to come by – even for just one date.

Have you ever experienced the “fade” in dating – some call it ghosting – where the person you’ve been seeing suddenly disappears with no reason or explanation? You might have thought things were going great. Maybe you were looking forward to the concert you were going to invite him to, or perhaps you were fantasizing about a future relationship. After all, he was really into you, or so you thought – why not get excited?

But then, inexplicably, your texts and calls went unanswered. Maybe you only went out a few times, but you were starting to get emotionally invested. It’s only natural to want an explanation – to understand why this person you thought was so interested didn’t choose you.

But think about it – you’ve probably been on the other side of this relationship, too. Maybe you started dating someone and it was fun for a while, but you decided as time went on that you really weren’t into that person. Or maybe you decided you didn’t want a relationship that quickly – that you’d rather keep dating. Or maybe you weren’t over your ex and your date had become a nice distraction. Unfortunately, you weren’t as into him as he was into you.

Did you pull the fade on him?

If you’ve only been out a few times, or you never really established what your relationship is, then it’s difficult to know what to do when that person disappears. After all, you weren’t “together” – at least not in any committed sense. So what’s the problem, and why are you so upset over a relationship that wasn’t “real”?

The problem with this thinking is that it’s misguided. Even if you haven’t had “the talk” with someone you have dated, if you have developed feelings, then it can be just as devastating as a real break-up. This is why it’s important to not pull the fade.

Instead, honor and respect the person you’ve been dating by letting her know you aren’t interested in a relationship. It might hurt to be blunt, but it will help the other person move on more quickly and easily. After all, wouldn’t you want to know?

It’s important to be clear in this age of elusiveness in dating. It will create more open and honest relationships in your life. Don’t pretend to be friends or continue to hook up with someone you aren’t interested in. Make a clean break. Allow him to move on, too.

Here’s the scenario: you’ve been dating an incredible guy – kind, funny, smart – and it seems the two of you have hit it off. You imagined your future relationship – taking vacations, moving in together. You’re smitten, and it seems he is, too. However, he told you that he broke up with his girlfriend a couple of weeks before you met. He claims he’s over her and wants to see where your new relationship is headed, but you have your doubts.

His confession has put a damper on your relationship, or at least how you feel about it. Maybe he’s telling the truth – that he has moved on – but you have a nagging sense that you might be a rebound for him.

How do you know for sure? Are there signs?

The development of any relationship can be tricky – there are no guarantees, which is why you have to take your chances from time to time if you feel the desire to be with someone, to see where the relationship goes no matter what. This could be one of those times to take the risk and put your heart out there – it is up to you to decide.

While it’s important to throw caution to the wind, it’s also good to pay attention to warning signs. Here’s how to tell that he might not be over his ex:

He pushes your relationship forward faster than you want. There’s nothing wrong with a man who is excited about you. But if he wants to charge ahead when you would rather take things a bit more slowly, he might be avoiding his own grieving process. Every broken relationship requires healing time – he might have done this while he was in the relationship, but maybe not. If he’s serious about you, he will respect your timeline without feeling the need to get serious so quickly.

He is hot and cold. Does he sweep you off your feet one day, and retreat into silence the next? If you have a hard time keeping track of his moods or when you can reach him, he’s obviously distracted. This likely means he’s still dealing with the pain of losing his old relationship, or that he is scared to move on to a new one with you – and possibly get hurt again.

He is set in his relationship ways. It might be difficult to notice right away, but pay attention to his habits when you are with him – for instance, does he communicate with you, or just tell you what he wants to happen? Does he criticize your taste in decorating or how you cook because it is different from what he’s “used to?” Does he assume you want to do the things he wants to do? If he is already carving out your place in the relationship, it’s a red flag that he is trying to recreate his past relationship. Start from a new place and compromise, or consider that he might not be ready for a relationship.

Do you have Tinder overload? You’re not alone. Dating apps have made meeting people easier than ever, but dating behavior can be pretty brutal. Messages go unanswered, and connections are forgotten in favor of swiping left and right. With all of the distractions and annoyances that come with dating today, it’s difficult to get to know someone special.

Maybe it's time to disconnect.

When you’re experiencing frustration and overwhelm, it’s a good time to take a break so you can recharge. A fantastic benefit of being single is learning how to take care of yourself without relying on someone else to come along and do it for you. Instead of dating aimlessly and without much enjoyment, focus on yourself and what makes you happy.

Following are some tips to nurture your heart and soul and get you back and ready to date again:

Get away. There’s nothing that lifts the spirit like a new setting. It’s easy to plan a getaway when you’re single – there’s nobody else’s schedule preventing you from making plans, so take advantage! Plan a weekend getaway with friends or jump in your car for an impromptu road trip, even if it’s just for a day. It will give you a much-needed break from routine.

Set a goal and work towards it. Have you ever dreamed of running a half marathon, or finishing college, or getting that certification for a new career? Now is the time to establish your personal priorities outside of a relationship. When you find someone special, you will still want to challenge yourself – why not start now?

Learn a new hobby or sport. This is the perfect time to explore. You learn about yourself when you try new things – sometimes a new activity can become a stress relief and source of life-long happiness, whether you're in a relationship or not. You never know unless you try. So sign up for Zumba, join a volleyball meet-up, or try out that pottery making class – whatever sounds interesting to you, give it a try.

Relax. Sometimes the stress of dating takes a physical toll on our bodies as well as our psyches. For me, hiking and running were great ways to get out of my own head and truly relax. For others, it’s booking a massage or meeting friends for dinner. Fill your schedule with activities that replenish your spirit, and you will find you have more energy, too.

Meditate or practice yoga. This might sound New-Agey, but yoga and meditation are truly helpful ways to let go of anxiety, and there’s a lot of it in dating. Practice taking deep breaths, sitting still for a period of time, and stretching your body on a regular basis. These techniques help you feel more comfortable in your own skin, and less worried about where you “should” be in life. This is most important when it comes to finding a truly fulfilling relationship – you realize that you are enough, no matter what.

Most of us know Gandhi’s famous quote: “Be the change you want to see in the world” – but how many of us practice these words of wisdom, especially when it comes to dating? More often than not, instead of seeing what we can change in ourselves, we are looking at our dates – judging and criticizing and wanting them to change.

Let’s face it – dating is rough. It requires patience, persistence, and a positive outlook. Again and again. And while you might feel more patient than Mother Theresa, it’s the part about persistence and keeping a positive attitude that’s hard to maintain. When we complain about how we’re not meeting any “good” men or women, or that people behave badly, or that online dating doesn’t result in a long-term relationship because it’s all about hooking up, we are perpetuating the stereotypes.

Dating doesn’t have to be fraught with bad behavior. It doesn’t have to be so hard. We just need to shift perspective a bit. You can’t control other people, but you can control yourself – your attitude, your outlook, your emotional reactions.

That said, you can start by looking at your own habits and where you can change. While you might think you’re the perfect date, chances are there’s room for improvement. If you’re not enjoying yourself, then why not see where you can change? Following are some small shifts to make to help change your perspective on dating from negative to positive:

• Be courteous to all your dates. Emma Watson was recently interviewed about her dating habits, and she thinks men and women should hold doors open for each other and both sexes should offer to pick up the tab. If we all are treating each other with respect and kindness, it makes the experience of dating a little better for everyone.
• Really listen. There’s nothing worse than trying to have a conversation while competing with someone’s phone. Social media and work emails can wait. Leave the phone off the table for an hour. Pay more attention to details. See what you can learn from the person sitting across from you, instead of obsessing over what else might be going on that you’re missing.
• Be curious. Everyone has a story. Even if you don’t see a romantic future in front of you after the first five minutes of meeting, ask questions and engage. People can be fascinating and multi-layered. What you see on the first date is only the tip of the iceberg. You never truly get to know someone if you don’t maintain a sense of wonder and curiosity about getting to know them.
• Cultivate your own sense of self. Being single is a magical time – you have the freedom to pursue whatever you want - to pursue your passions no matter how impractical, like learning Italian or kite surfing. Work towards a career goal. Travel. The more experiences you have, the more you get to know yourself, and the more you have to share with a future partner. This time is all about you – so enjoy it while you can!

Here's a post-Valentine's Day reality check: happy couples may not be happy at all, just really good at deluding themselves.

Publications like Cosmo would have you believe that the secret to romantic success is seeing your partner as they truly are. And it does sound nice, but psychological research suggests it's the wrong approach. Instead, the key to a happy relationship is seeing your partner as you wish they were.

Just think about it for a second and suddenly it seems obvious: of course someone who believes their partner lives up to everything they've ever wanted is more satisfied with their relationship. How could they not be? Sure, they may be deceiving themselves, but can we say it's wrong if it works?

A study on the subject was published a few years back in the journal Psychological Science. A research team from the University at Buffalo and the University of British Columbia gathered together 200 couples who came to a courthouse in Buffalo, NY, to get marriage licenses. Then, twice a year for the next three years, the researchers questioned each person individually about themselves, their partners, and their visions of an ideal partner.

Afterwards, the answers were analyzed for certain patterns. The researchers sought out people who idealized their partners – those whose descriptions of their partner's traits matched their descriptions of their fictional perfect match (even if their partner did not self-report seeing those traits in him- or herself).

"If I see a pattern of traits that are more positive than what my partner says about themselves, that's what we mean by idealization," explains Dale Griffin, one of the study's co-authors. "That is, there is a correlation between my ideal set of traits and what I see in my partner that she does not see in herself."

Each time the researchers checked in with the couples, they also gave them a survey designed to measure relationship satisfaction. All couples reported a decline in happiness over time, but those who held positive illusions about their partners experienced significantly less of a decline.

The Psychological Science paper reports that “People in satisfying marital relationships see their own relationship as superior to other people's relationships” and that they also “see virtues in their partners that are not obvious to anyone else.” In fact, it gets even more extreme: “People in stable relationships even redefine what qualities they want in an ideal partner to match the qualities they perceive in their own partner.”

In other words, it's ok – and maybe even better – that love is a little blind.