Advice

Let’s say you’ve been a member of an online dating site for awhile, and you’ve scoured the available singles in your area, to no avail. One night, you decide to type in everything you can imagine in a dream match, and set the search radius to worldwide.

And you find your dream person. Or at least, you think you have. What next?

Online dating comes with certain stereotypes, and one of the most common is the couple who meet from halfway around the world and fall in love. It’s become such a cliche that some people resist looking outside the confines of their own hometown. While I would certainly begin by looking closer to home, it saddens me to think that someone might miss out on love because they don’t want to be “that person.”

Assuming you’re willing to take the plunge on long-distance love, how do you get started?

First, be upfront in your email that you’re not from the area, but that you’d be interested in starting a pen-pal sort of friendship. Try not to come on too strong; remember, a first-contact email is essentially a way of saying hello, not a marriage proposal. If your potential match is interested, take it slow; get to know each other as much as possible through email, or even a video chat. The more you get to know each other now, the less chances there are for unfortunate surprises when you meet in person.

If you do progress to the point where you’re ready and able to have a first date, remember to follow basic dating safety rules. Meet in a public place, preferably with someone you know nearby. Have your own transportation. Make sure someone you know has all the information you have about your date. Above all, remember to trust your gut instincts, and remove yourself from the situation if you feel uneasy.

The fact is, people who connect online, whether it be for friendship or romance, travel vast distances to meet in person all the time. Sure, there’s a certain amount of danger inherent in meeting any stranger, but common sense and caution can minimize these possibilities. When you’re communicating via the Internet, it doesn’t really matter if the person is across the state or on the next street. So next time you’re perusing profiles, think about broadening your search range. Who knows what you might find?

What's the craziest thing you've ever done for love? The most extreme? The wildest? The weirdest?

In preparation for Valentine's day, Laura T. Coffey, a TODAYshow.com contributor, took a look at some of the most insane and extraordinary things done in the name of romance.

It should come as no surprise that the Internet played a role in several of the crazy stories she uncovered. When an Englishwoman named Kelly Summers discovered in April of 2010 that the man she loved already had a longterm girlfriend, she turned to YouTube to air her grievances...and there were a lot of grievances to air. 62 sobbing, heartbroken videos later, Summers had developed a dedicated audience of 11,000 followers who listened faithfully to her stories about devastation and her efforts to recover. One listener - her ex - was particularly touched: "I'd never seen such raw emotion," Keith Tallis said, "and it made me realize how much I loved her."

In some ways, writing an online dating profile is like being in a creative profession, such as acting or composition: you have to learn the art of self-promotion quickly, or risk getting lost in the shuffle. After all, dating is a competitive field, just like acting, and if you don’t promote yourself, no one else will.

Many people get stuck when it comes to promoting themselves. “I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging!” they might say. Worse yet, thinking about how to promote themselves might suddenly trigger a self-esteem downward spiral, and they’ll say things like “I have nothing to brag about! I haven’t done anything! I’m not special, I’m just a regular person!”

More often than not, they become stuck because they forget what the ultimate goal is: to find a compatible person with whom they can form a solid relationship. They aren’t applying for a job, so professional achievements are nice, but not necessary. They aren’t entering a beauty pageant, so attractiveness counts, but it’s not the whole enchilada. In the world of dating, you’re looking at an entire package. Suddenly, all those nebulous qualities that made you a good friend but didn’t really get you a promotion actually count. Charity counts. Having a sense of humor counts. Being a good person counts.

When you’re looking at dating profiles, who would you rather meet: the high-powered businessperson who’s risen to the top of their firm in five years, or the person who takes time out every month to visit their family? Neither of these are bad choices, but one might be a better fit for you - which is why it’s important, not only to consider the whole package of the people you’re interested in, but to make sure you’re fully representing yourself.

So as you sit down to compose your online dating profile, don’t just think of it as a resume. Instead, consider the qualities that your friends and family appreciate - and be specific. Instead of simply saying that you have a “big heart,” explain that you are the sort of person who can’t resist buying cookies when kids make the sales pitch. Instead of saying you’re “a hard worker,” talk about that restaurant you want to open. When you reveal the person that lives beyond the resume, you might find the right fit for you.

You're probably heard a million times that one of the great things about online dating is that the Internet is the perfect place to find love if you suffer from anxiety in social situations. Initiating contact with someone you're interested in is always a little nerve-wracking, but the fear of rejection, and the discomfort of having to turn someone down as nicely as possible, is significantly less paralyzing when you don't have to speak to someone face-to-face.

Turning down an unwanted online advance is as simple as not responding to a message or not returning a wink, right?

Wrong. If you've ever gotten a message like this one, or these, or these, I know that it's tempting to handle the situation by pressing "Delete" and moving on to the next suitor. All online daters, as far as I'm concerned, are forgiven for taking the easy way out every once in a while, particularly when a message is spam or a completely incoherent mash-up of random words, but the anonymity of the Internet can sometimes make it hard to remember that there is almost always an actual person on the other side of the profile text and silly username. You don't have to write a rejection essay that uses a bullet-pointed list to detail every reason you're not interested in someone, but taking the time to send a quick note that says "Thanks, but no thanks" goes a long way towards preserving the humanity of the World Wide Web.

The art of polite rejection isn't difficult to master - it's as simple as determining why you're not into a person and drafting a couple of personalized lines explaining that, while you appreciate their interest, you are unable to pursue a relationship for reasons x, y, and z.

For instance, if a suitor has children and you do not want kids, a "Thanks, but no thanks" response could be "Hi So-and-So! Thanks for your message, but I'm not really looking to date someone with children. My dogs are all the responsibility I can handle right now, and you and your family deserve someone who can devote more time, love, and resources to you. I hope you can understand, and I wish you all the best in your search for someone special."

If writing a polite rejection message still seems hard, think of it as following this straightforward formula:

1. A greeting.
2. A thank you for the sender's interest.
3. A brief and truthful explanation of why you are not suited to each other. Make sure that you are writing an objective statement of facts, and not hurtful attack on someone's character or lifestyle.
4. A closing, in which you end on a positive note and wish them luck.

Being turned down is never easy, but the closure that comes from receiving a thoughtful "Thanks, but no thanks" message can ease the ache substantially. And besides, it can't hurt to earn a few extra karma points for treating your fellow humans with kindness, respect, and consideration.

Picture this: you’re on a romantic date, having a great time. Your date leans in, and gently, lovingly whispers: “Tell me about the worst break-up you’ve ever had.”

Sound strange? Maybe inappropriate? I agree! However, similar moments happen on first dates all the time - dates of the blind or online variety, that is.

It’s an icebreaker I’ve seen used more than once. On a blind date, someone will ask, “So, do you have any blind date horror stories?” One member of a couple who met on an online dating site might say, “I was so nervous about meeting you. You see, this one time...”

It’s counter-intuitive, really. Why would we want to talk about something negative? Why bring up the worst experiences we can think of?

Well, there are a few possibilities. The most obvious one is insecurity. People who still have reservations about “unusual” dating methods might still feel self-conscious about it. By bringing up unfortunate dates in the past, they’re reassuring themselves that they, and their date, are not the stereotypical online dating material. Other people, the people in the horror stories, might fit the stereotype, but this time it’s “special.”

Another possibility is that the person who brings up unfortunate dates is actually trying to grow closer to their new match. By comparing battle scars, you’re sharing something in common, creating a sort of camaraderie, “us against the world.” Are there other, better things you could find in common? Sure, but people occasionally panic and blurt out sub-optimal topics of conversation on first dates.

Even if discussing bad dates comes from a good place, it’s best avoided, if at all possible. If you’re willing to discuss a bad date in the past - particularly if you’re animated, making it as funny as possible - your date might wonder if you’re on a date with them solely to gather fodder for your next humorous anecdote. Additionally, it’s never a good idea to discuss the negative, particularly on a first date. Moods are contagious; if you’re upbeat and positive, your date will feel more warm and fuzzy toward you in turn. Why take a risk with cynical and negative subject matter? Find positive ways to connect, and avoid an unnecessary gamble.

Making the transition from communication online to in-person can be awkward. No, scratch that - it simply is awkward, at least for the first few minutes. And that’s okay.

It’s easy for some to be witty or interesting in an email - they have plenty of time to compose their thoughts, and arrange them in the most efficient or humorous way. In person, on the other hand, when you’re both thinking at the same time, you get silences. And silence, while not a bad thing in itself, can cause panic, which is never good on a first date.

Enter small talk.

Small talk is much-maligned, and it shouldn’t be. It keeps the flow of conversation going! Small talk is, by definition, inoffensive topics of conversation to which most people find it easy to contribute. Who wouldn’t like having some of those on-hand?

For example, the weather. “Ah, the weather,” you might scoff. “The most boring topic of all.” Sure - maybe if you live in a part of the world where nothing interesting happens. But the past year, in particular, has had some pretty extreme weather. Maybe your town got snow for the first time in fifty years, and you went sledding on a garbage can. Maybe you had to kayak to a neighbor’s house. Maybe you built a snow igloo, and that igloo was covered the next week in more snow. Almost everyone has a story right now - you and your date can easily share, compare clothing tips, speculate on the future, or just talk about how nice it’ll be to move into a season that will theoretically be less exciting.

Another topic that shouldn’t be too messy is recent movies. There’s a large sampling to choose from, and chances are your date has seen at least one movie in the past six months. We’re in awards season right now, so you can even talk about whether or not you’ve seen any of the nominated films. The key here is to try to stay positive; even if you hate most commercial fare, no one wants to be around a downer. If you can’t talk about film today without going on a rant, skip it, unless you already know your date holds the same views.

The trick is simply to get started talking, and small talk can give you the jump-start you need. Most conversations segue naturally into other topics - and if they don’t, that’s okay too (don’t panic!). Also, don’t be afraid to move from one topic to another if you suddenly remember something more interesting. And finally, don’t be afraid of moments of silence - you have to have time to eat, take in the scenery if you’re on a walk, or just breathe. Remember: you’re on a date to get to know someone, not in a contest to fill every moment with sound.