Advice

If there’s one online dating profile tip I’d shout from the rooftops if I could, it would be, “Keep it short and sweet!” However, that doesn’t mean that a two-paragraph long laundry list does the trick. It’s useful to understand why you need a short and sweet profile, and what you need to make it work.

Most people’s profiles seem to fall into one of two categories. There’s the novel profile; these are often long and narrative. Sometimes you can almost see a stream of consciousness in the writing: “I’m someone who likes to have fun but doesn’t get too crazy. See, once I had a near-accident breaking into an abandoned apartment building while doing some urban exploration. I guess that explains why I don’t really like heights anymore, either...” While you can certainly get a feel for the novel profile author’s personality, you have to wade through a sea of text first. With today’s short attention span, many readers might stop halfway through, or skip it altogether. They might get so bogged down reading something inconsequential that they give up before they get to something that strikes a chord with them.

Then there’s a laundry list profile. This isn’t always a literal list, but more a series of disjointed throughts. It’s short, but bland: “Smart guy, likes to cook, has a dog. Will soon run marathon.” Sure, the interests aren’t bad, but is he as reticent in person? The lack of personality might dissuade someone from sending a contact email.

So what does a good dating profile need? Something that’s short, but narrative. Think of it as writing a letter or an email, rather than a text message - you want flow, something interesting to read. At the same time, you don’t want the profile to be bogged down with useless information, so try to focus on what you really want people to know, first.

In can be difficult, editing a profile down to something that’s compact but punchy and attention-grabbing. Your profile is not set in stone - you can always go back and edit later. After all, too much perfectionism can lead to writing paralysis. Just ask yourself: is this a profile you’d like to read? If you aren’t boring yourself, you’re off to a good start.

Let's continue the debate about monogamy with a little quiz:

Which relationship structure has been proven to be the most effective?

A) Monogamy: Agreeing to be exclusive with a single partner decreases health risks and honors the special relationship you share.

B) Nonmonogamy: It is unrealistic to expect fidelity to a single person for an entire lifetime, and monogamy places artificial and limiting restrictions on relationships that inhibit the expression of love and sexuality.

C) All of the above.

D) None of the above.

If you're looking for an answer, prepare to be disappointed: the answer is that there is no right answer. Compelling arguments have been made from both sides, and that doesn't even take into consideration the myriad other possible forms a relationship could take. I could probably spend the rest of my life posting about nothing but the pros and cons of the various relationship arrangements I have encountered, but for simplicity's sake let's focus on the two most common approaches: monogamy and nonmonogamy, in the most general senses of both terms.

Up first: the scientific arguments for monogamy.

1. Having multiple partners might serve our genes, but it doesn't serve us as emotional individuals. When humans become sexual with a new partner, the brain's dopamine reward system is kicked into overdrive. But after that intense high, the brain shifts into a low-dopamine stage and humans find themselves in an unhappy hangover-like state. When partners are constantly changing, this cycle continuously repeats and dissatisfaction increases. Remaining faithful to one partner, on the other hand, allows the brain to maintain a comfortable level of happiness without the ensuing crash. (Source: The Monogamy Challenge)
2. Monogamy is beneficial for childrearing. In the wild, children with two parents are more likely to survive and learn to socialize properly. Their chances of growing to adulthood and reproducing are therefore increased.
3. Studies show that having a steady, intimate partner might be good for your health. Multiple studies associate this kind of relationship with increased longevity, faster healing times, and lower rates of illness, depression, and alcoholism. AIDS patients with partners, for example, have a tendency to live longer and develop the condition at a slower rate. (Source: Marital Status and Health)
4. Research has found that monogamy is consistently valued across cultures, biological imperative or not. Noted anthropologist Helen Fisher points out that, even in polygamous cultures, less than 10% of men choose to have more than one wife at a time, and calls monogamy "pretty standard" for the human species. Author Tara Parker-Pope adds that "Almost without exception, men and women say they value monogamy in relationships. So while it isn't absolutely necessary from a biological standpoint, from a social, cultural and emotional standpoint, it's important to many people and that's why we try for it." (Source: The science of marital unhappiness)

Proponents of monogamy, then, seem to have science on their side. Can the nonmonogamy camp say the same thing? We'll find out next time!

At some point in our lives, most of learn that self-deprecation can be positive. A child might learn self-deprecating humor as a defense mechanism; hard to be picked on when you’re making jokes about yourself. Others might learn that self-deprecation is a good way to show humility; you don’t actually think you’re the best person for this job, but you continue to do the best you can.

However, in the world of online dating, where first impressions are text-based, self-deprecation falls into a category much like humor: it doesn’t translate well. Thus, many profiles simply aren’t at their best, because the author is attempting to use self-deprecation. And as for self-deprecating humor - well, it has two strikes against it.

The problem with both humor and self-deprecation is that we use other indicators besides just our words. We might be saying one thing - “Oh, my nose could replace the George Washington Bridge,” - but the twinkle in our eye, the quirk of our mouth, the tone of our voice, show that we aren’t taking ourselves seriously. However, if someone had only our words to rely upon, they couldn’t be certain that we weren’t seriously insecure about our nose.

Self-deprecation in online dating profiles shows up most commonly when we talk about our appearance. It’s not uncommon for physical characteristics, like weight, to be joked about - or attempted to be joked about, anyway. The problem is, whether you’re talking about your weight or downplaying your intelligence, you’re really saying “I don’t know why you’d want to date me anyway.” Even when you’re joking, it’s a statement that’s not very funny.

So how do you exude confidence without relying on self-deprecation to temper arrogance? Well, as they say in the writing business, “Show, don’t tell.” Facts are hard to argue with. Don’t say, “I’m the smartest person I know,” or “I’m not the top of my class or anything,” say, “I’m working on my doctorate.” Don’t say, “I know I’m overweight” or “You’re a moron if you look at numbers.” Instead, proudly display your confident, attractive default pictures that don’t hide your size.

It might take a little more editing, but it’s entirely possible to produce a happy, confident profile that doesn’t rely on self-deprecation. After all, the more mixed signals you send, the more likely it is that your message will get muddled. Keeping your profile clear and simple will let the real you shine through.

The debate about monogamy has been long and fierce. Some believe that it is unnatural for humans to promise themselves to one person for their entire lives, and that we should instead embrace open relationships. Others believe that choosing monogamy honors, protects, and enhances a relationship with a partner who is extremely important, and that the jealousy that can arise from a nonmonogamous relationship isn't worth the potential benefits of sexual freedom.

Some people even disagree - with their own partners - about whether or not their relationship is monogamous. A recent study conducted at Oregon State University found that young, heterosexual couples frequently do not agree with their partners about whether or not their relationship is open. 434 couples between the ages of 18 and 25 were interviewed about the status of their relationship, and in a whopping 40% of couples only 1 partner reported that they had agreed to be sexually exclusive with their significant other. The other partner claimed that no such agreement had been made.

"Miscommunication and misunderstandings about sexual exclusivity appear to be common," says public health researcher Jocelyn Warren. Many young couples, it appears, are not communicating the terms of their relationships effectively - if, that is, they're discussing them at all - and event amongst couples who had explicitly agreed to be monogamous, nearly 30% had broken the agreement and sought out sex outside of the relationship.

"Couples have a hard time talking about these sorts of issues, and I would imagine for young people it's even more difficult," Marie Harvey, an expert in the field of sexual and reproductive health, posits. "Monogamy comes up quite a bit as a way to protect against sexually transmitted diseases. But you can see that agreement on whether one is monogamous or not is fraught with issues."

Difficult though the subject may be, it's clear that every couple must come to an unequivocal, precisely-expressed understanding regarding the status of their relationship. Lack of communication can lead to serious unintended risks, both physical and emotional, for partners who unknowingly disagree about the exclusivity of their relationship. What is less clear is which choice - if either - is the "right" one. Is monogamy or nonmonogamy a more effective relationship style? Can one scientifically be proven to be better, or more "natural," than the other? Or is it simply a matter of personal preference?

We'll take a look at the scientific support for each approach in more detail in the next posts.

Take a minute to think about the default picture you have on your online dating profile. Even assuming the picture is up-to-date and not digitally touched-up, would you say you look exactly like your photo? Or, perhaps, do lighting and the angle of your face present you at your very best?

Now think about the photo on your passport or driver’s license. Chances are, you look much better in person than the “mug shot” most have to live with. Or maybe you just look different - a new haircut, or weight lost or gained.

Rarely do pictures tell an absolutely accurate story, even when the person posting them is completely honest. Why, then, are we shocked when we meet someone in person and they don’t look exactly like their photo?

Perhaps it’s due to deep-seated reservations about dating. When you’re ready to enter the dating world, you’re theoretically ready to place yourself in an emotionally vulnerable state. There’s always an inherent bit of risk in meeting anyone new, no matter what the circumstances; add that to the fact that we’re expected to expose ourselves emotionally and maybe we start to look for signs of dishonesty. And since people rarely look exactly like their picture, the picture-person comparison is a prime way to feed into our fears.

When you next head out to meet someone for the first time, think about conventional wisdom and photography. Anyone who’s ever met a celebrity in person will tell you that they often look different than they expected, even though film can show them full-length, in motion, at almost any angle. The saying “the camera adds ten pounds” may not always be entirely accurate, but it reflects a truth: a 2-D representation just doesn’t tell the whole story. Just as the text of a profile reveals only a snapshot of the author’s personality, the picture reflects only one angle. So instead of looking for the slightest trace of dishonest photography, focus on what’s really important: whether or not you and your potential match share a spark.

We all get advice from friends and family when it comes to love. Especially if we are having a hard time finding it. While they might have good intentions, keep in mind that you are in control of your life, and what they advise may not be best for you.

Instead of getting confused by what you should or shouldn't be doing when it comes to dating, the best rule is to be honest and true to yourself. The right person will love you for who you are, not who you are trying to be in order to "get" a girlfriend or boyfriend. That said, you should always put your best foot forward.

Following are some tips to help you:

Don't assume things about your date. Many of us think we can sum up a date in about five minutes. We think we know them well enough to determine whether or not we're attracted. While there's something to be said for instant chemistry, don't make this the only reason you'll entertain whether or not someone is worth dating. Chemistry is an elusive thing, and if falling for the hot, rich guys or sexy girls (or people you consider to be your type), hasn't worked for you in the past, maybe you should try something different. If you like someone, go out with him or her again. It may lead to the match you never expected.

Don't think you can change someone else. Many women are guilty of this: we think that a great guy would be perfect...except for one thing. We try to get him to change and resent him when he doesn't, instead of accepting him for who he is. Nobody is perfect (including you), so don't expect this from your partner, either.

Don't judge. Many of us meet a date and wonder if our friends and family would approve. Maybe he's much older, or she's divorced with children, or he travels for work a lot. Even if circumstances make it seem like she's not a great candidate on paper, she may be the right person for you. Only you can decide, so don't let other people's judgments of what they think is good for you cloud your own.

Don't be afraid of being alone. Despite the fact that you always pictured yourself married by the time you were 35 and it still hasn't happened, don't jump to the conclusion that life is passing you by. Embrace this time you have to yourself and develop your interests, socialize, and put yourself out there. The less fearful and more independent you are, the more easily you'll attract the right guy to you.

For more information on this subject you could also try looking at some books on dating and relationships that we have reviewed.